9% of people aged 21 to 34 in the UK spend the holidays alone. At 31 and recently divorced, I’ve joined that statistic this year—and it’s been tough. But instead of letting the season pass in sadness, I decided to build something small to remind myself that not everything is gloomy.

I created Reflectify a mini self-reflection tool where you can answer a few meaningful questions, select your mood, and generate a personalized ‘Year in Review’ graphic to celebrate your journey through 2024. It’s free to use, and if it helps bring a little light to your day, you can ‘buy me a coffee’ to support this side project.

It’s my way of turning a lonely holiday into something meaningful—and I hope it can do the same for you.

I had a thought recently…

For those that are stuck or for those that have an inkling that they want to change but haven’t taken action, when you hear someone give you advice to “just start” or “just take action”, is that helpful?

Or do you need more to get started?

As in, do you need a roadmap of what to expect? Do you need a day by day view of the next x days so that you’re more mentally prepared?

Rather than the “just start” advice, what would actually be helpful?

My social skills arent great, i dont know how to have engaging or fun conversations with others while getting to know them. Its always one way interest from me, always one sided, always me chasing

Im tired of this, tired of using porn or addictions as a way to escape from my problems

Maybe focusing only their approval validation attention and getting them to like me is preventing me from getting to know them or lead them to know me, just self sabotaging myself

The "idea" of "having friends or a gf" has become my sole goal in life and it's preventing me from being who i am or figure out who i am.

Its like i use people to fill a void, using them as a vehicle for self esteem, to boost confidence, boost ego, to prove that im good enough

Trying to use their reactions as evidence for "im interesting, good enough, likeable, lovable" and when they give a little effort reaction or no reaction i feel like the worlds gonna end. And my flight or fight mode gets triggered, so i become rude to them or throw hurtful jokes at them, or i "reject them before they reject me" or i avoid all interactions to avoid feelings of rejection or abandonment or loneliness again, and i try to fill this void with porn or eating a ton of food or mindlessly watching shows and wasting time, or procastination, only to do this again after a few days. I know its insanity trying the same things/techniques over and over again and expecting different results.

What i want is two way friendships or conversations, because im tired of always being the one giving, and tbh im not sure if what im giving is even good enough, or interesting to others or what they want, most of the times when i reflect on my conversations i was rude sometimes sometimes nice, sometimes gave too much, sometimes gave nothing

Just to get their approval validation attention being recognized or seen, i act like a clown, put them on a pedestal, try to entertain them, or be on performance mode, like a dog trying to get a treat, i hate that i lower myself so much just to get a connection, i hate the disrespect i show to myself.

But if i dont chase, people please, no one cares, thats fine, those people werent meant for me anyways, but the problem is i dont know how to create connections any other way.

I want to give without expecting anything in return. I want to be assertive, positive, and make a positive impact on anyone or anything.

I know i dont have to be perfect to make friends or be in a relationship, but honestly I wouldnt even date me right now.

There is a lot i dont like about myself.

What do i need to do? I wanna take actions, im tired of chasing endless knowledge and no changes being made

Yeah, I used to struggle with focusing when I read. I’d catch myself skimming, just jumping to the interesting bits, or even thinking, “Ugh, I wish someone would just tell me what happens next!” It was hard to sit and really take it all in.

So, I started trying small things. Like, I’d just focus on getting through one page without rushing. At first, I had to remind myself to slow down. Sometimes, I’d take a deep breath before starting, just to clear my head. And honestly, it worked. I actually started getting into the book and enjoying the little details instead of rushing to the end. It’s still a work in progress, but the more I practiced, the easier it got. Now, I can get through a whole chapter without feeling like I need to skip ahead.

It’s definitely been a shift, and using a Pomodoro timer has helped too. Breaking things up into smaller chunks really makes it easier to stay focused. And honestly, the more I stuck with it, the more I started to enjoy the process. It makes me realize that reading isn’t just about finishing the book, but truly enjoying it.

So many people talk about how people should be grateful for what they have. The problem is that this information is shoved down people’s throats as if it’s a pill that can end your suffering right now.

Sometimes it is; sometimes we have the capacity to be grateful. But when someone is drowning in pain, gratitude can only go so far.

The problem isn’t recommending gratitude, it’s the fact we supplement it as a pill over true compassion.

Let’s go back to the drowning metaphor. “Be grateful for what you have” is like throwing a flutter board to someone drowning. Some can hold on, but if you’re too exhausted from staying afloat, even that won’t help. (Some have done this for years of their life.) What helps is a hand, a loving hand.

Let’s stop shoving self improvement as THE pill to our friends and people in need. Love first, then help them recover so they can take care of themselves.

You deserve compassion. You deserve to be heard, loved, and helped. Then maybe, in the future you’ll be grateful for the friends you had, and reflect upon the good things in your life.

Don’t give up.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I've been seeing a lot of discussion about accountability groups, and I was wondering what people's thoughts on them are? I'm part of a few groups right now, and some of them have really helped but others seem to get less active over time.

For anybody who has hosted or joined an accountability group, what has your experience been like? And what has been effective or ineffective? I'd love to know so I can join the right accountability groups and maybe even make one myself :)

I think the reason I'm behind in life because mainly because I have weak mindset always overthinking, worrying all day instead of taking actions. Choosing to live in victimization and feeling non deserving. Looks like people who are genuinely happy and confident and successful are hard working people who would struggle and embrace pain because they know good things will come in life. They chose sacrifice over comfort. And it's like one side of my brain knows this but other side of brain is always feeling resistant in doing. And I'm so sick of battling back and forth.

what motivates you to be adventurous?

For some background this all occured very recently about a few months back right before I was about to fly overseas to complete my education. I was raised by a narcissistic and what I would call an inhuman mother along with a father who loved me very much but was passive.

Growing up although I did indeed receive plenty of luxuries such as expensive food and vacations the reality is that I was given such luxury by my mother because of her own selfishness of needing more people for her own personal interests. Such as the extra kilos for shopping and being able to order more dishes just so she could taste more. Little did I know did my friends and as a little kid that eventually I would have to go through such a terrible disaster.

For some history, I was abused severely as a child most of the time for doing nothing virtually wrong or things that did not deserve the level of severity. I was beaten to a pulp as an 8 year old by my mother for simply not doing well on a math test and in back when I was in kindergarten. I was once robbed of lunch and was beaten past my bed time. My dad had one incident of beating me but only due to him having gone insane because of my mother. She had cheated on my father in later years and came back claiming she did nothing wrong. Eventually physical abuse would reduce to near nothing and would purely become sheer belittlement. For example, I was belittled for my language abilities as in me not "knowing" my mother tongue when it was actually my family's fault for my lack of fluency along with how I would never be successful in the future. I had also failed my whole life in school up until my last exam.

For some reason, randomly as a teenager I suddenly felt the urge to train intensively in martial arts. Why did I do so? It felt empowering and it served as a deterrence to my mother from further abuse. Why? Because the next time I would ever be touched or hit, I would strike back ten times harder. To date I am trained in Wing Chun , Judo and MMA.

The tipping point

Before I state what had occurred I would like to give a fair warning as I feel it is very graphic or morbid for anyone to hear.

One day a month before I was about to leave for my studies, I suddenly got severe gastrisis and was going in and out of the A and E for a total of three times. I was in severe pain and the doctors could not figure out why I was in such pain as it was abnormal. Was given morphine and a high amount of painkillers and was informed that this level of pain in a gastrisis patient was unseen. Keep in mind I was in severe pain for 9 days straight often not being able to sleep the whole time

Eventually on my last A and E visit, it was discovered that my gastrisis was actually stress induced and that they will not admit me anymore. Was sent to the psychiatrist the next day and given Xanax and Amitriptyline. Afterwards, was referred to a personal reccomended psychologist by my psychiatrist. It was basically an established fact more or less that the root cause of my severe stress issues was because of my mother who had inflicted severe lasting damage.

After I was discharged, she had made fun of my pain in the hospital by talking about how the nurses were laughing at the fact that my vitals were fine obviously a lie. She had also mentioned to my sister that if I wanted to kill myself that I could go ahead and do so and that she would respect it.

After more sessions with the psychologist, I started to become even more aggressive towards my mother understandably so. Few days before my flight I sat my father down and told him "So what are you going to do? Are you going to remain passive and let this woman who harmed your own son bully you to the ground? Or are you going to man up and do something about it. Why are you showing chances and allowance to someone who doesn't deserve it?" He did inform me that he would evict my mom slowly after I had left the country.

The day right before my flight my mom had to tried to punish my cat for scratching furniture by locking her outside the house. That moment I decided to myself that I would not sit back and let it happen. In my mind, to me the cat getting unjustly punished felt like me as a child but this time someone(me) would intervene. I fought with her about it and as "revenge" she cancelled my flight for my education. To me even had I known it would have happened, I would have still have stood up for my cat because I love my cat so much.

My dad was pushed to the limit and rushed back home to immediately evict her. While he was looking for new flights for me it was obvious to everyone (my partner and friends were informed) that I was destroyed. I managed to get a flight and made it overseas but it never stopped there.

I also ended up physically threatening her for what she had done because for these sorts of people I realized there is no "peaceful" method. In the past she had financially threatened me although now that's an impossiblility because everything is now underneath my father

I had suicidal thoughts and had to call the suicide helpline multiple times along with having to have gone for therapy. Fortunately, I never made any real plans to kill myself or had any complications after my hospital trip.

What I learnt and why I am posting this

Why am I making this post? I know that a lot of you have probably gone through some horrible things and I wanted to give some people hope that no matter how horrible life may have been to you that there is always a way to bounce back.

Luckily, I am currently doing extremely well in university and my future prospects appear to seem very bright. I have also taken measures to fix issues such as my language problem along with my mental health almost being fully fixed.

What did I learn? After going through this incident, I learnt a few lessons that I would keep at heart

1. To never sit back and let life bulldoze you but to be proactive and never allow it to dictate your future
2. Anyone who seeks to harm you be it your parent like mind deserves no mercy
3. Money and strength is extremely important
4. But most of all if life shows you no mercy then you show no mercy

I came from money and had all the means for much much better opportunities but had it all robbed away from me due to my mother's evilness and my dad's passivity. That level of anger stays with me till now and I refuse to let another human being harm me ever again. A person who harms you is the enemy and an enemy deserves no mercy or any sort of allowance.

I don't know about what's other's people's mentality towards such a situation but this is what I came up with and what I felt kept me going till now. I was never an aggressive individual who would ever threaten to harm another human being. But I've come to learn that sometimes you have no choice but to do so. I was furious and refused to allow such things to ever happen to me again. I felt what made the difference for me was the mental choice that I made to have zero tolerance towards this sort of treatment.

The hospital trip and the flight cancellation taught me the consequences of not taking an aggressive, no nonsense approach along with not being prepared for the worse. After that had occured I told myself " If a person wishes to harm you, stomp you to the ground and beat you till a pulp. What are you going to do about it? ". The following day after my flight cancellation I approached her in my home and scolded her till she backed into a chair making it clear I would no longer tolerate such treatment.

Just felt like sharing what had happened to me. I hope this post gives you hope that you will be able to overcome whatever problems you are currently facing in life. If there are any issues you are currently facing do not feel afraid to reach out for help. Hope you all have a great Christmas this year.

NOTE - I do not support or ADVOCATE for violence. It is not the right answer. What I do believe in is standing up for oneself and establishing deterrence.

Letting go is never easy, especially when you’re unsure if it will lead to growth or leave you empty. The unknown can be terrifying, but sometimes burning a bridge is the only way to move forward. If you’re questioning whether to let go, it might be because the situation you’re in is already holding you back. This video explores the fear of the unknown and the courage it takes to create something new from the ashes.

Don't be afraid to let go and do what you have to do! If you have any more tips please don't hesitate to comment all is welcome :)

I always get motivated at night (depending how late I stay up (9-11pm). Is there any tips to get more motivation during the day? I'm also on break and I think that's depleting my motivation, or if I do have motivation it doesn't last long.

i’ve been struggling to stay motivated throughout the day. i usually start off strong, but by the time the afternoon hits, my energy is completely gone. coffee doesn’t work for me anymore, and energy drinks give me those awful jitters. i heard there are patches that deliver energy through your skin to avoid crashes and jitters. has anyone tried something like this? are they actually helpful, or is it just another gimmick?

I am a big fan of using outside influences to influence your mental state, whether its exercise to regulate emotions, changing your style to make you look and feel the part, or even something like "stories" that help show the power of resilience and life's ups and downs.

I am going to elaborate on : Changing your style to make you look and feel the part. I read this blog post and also have known many people in my workplace (S&P 100) that have gotten consultancy on creating their own personal brand (which includes their style) to reach senior positions.

The key message is : Look the part and have your personal style reflect what you want to be perceived as/goals you want to reach. It will change how you feel and act. It will change the way people perceive you and respond to you.

Studies show that first impressions are formed in just 33 to 100 milliseconds, making professional attire crucial in the workplace. The revelation that Steve Jobs had, that despite being one of the richest men, he wore the same outfit everyday. A black turtleneck, jeans and New Balance sneakers.

There is a concept called “Enclothed Cognition’ which says that the wearing certain clothes has a tangible affect on the wearer’'s psycology and performance. E.g. a study from Northwestern university shows that wearing a lab coat can improve performance vs not wearing one.

Depending on which industry you work in, you want to be conscious on how you are percieved and keep elevating your “look“ to match your desired role/career within your industry.

For example, let’s take a general corporate environment :

If you working in e.g. media, marketing, communications or even business development, it can be helpful to be perceived as approachable by usin a softer color palette, with flowing lines.

If you are working in a corporate environment that is primarily make dominated and extremely formal, you may want to incorporate bold colors/statement dresses into whatever your style is. Blending in completely may not be the best option here as it stops you from creating your personal brand in a place where this is already difficult.

The key here is to create a personal brand people start to associate with you and keep evolving it in subtle ways!

This is why you need to plan and shop your wardrobe rather than buying one-off pieces or worse, not putting in any effort at all.

Hope this helps someone! DM me if you have more questions.