r/Assistance • u/DrFredz • Mar 26 '23
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT I am so sad
I am just so sad. In short, I saved up all my life and sacrificed everything I could until the age of 38 and opened a restaurant right before COVID hit. Long story short, restaurant is sold at a major loss, life savings gone and I just put up my family home for sale to pay off my debts, will be renting because my credit is shot. Will have to take my autistic son out of his private school and put him in a crappy public school. Marriage took a major hit and I’m not sure if we’ll come out of it ok. I’m out of a job and feel like I can’t work anymore, yet I cannot afford even a week without any income.
I’ve been crying all day and I can’t stop. I’m so sad my heart physically aches. I can’t sleep and cannot hold back my tears and sadness. I know everyone will say stuff like “stay strong” and “it’ll get better” or “there are others that have it worse”, but for me, since the age of 16, I have dedicated every second of every day, made so many sacrifices and suffered so much to get somewhere where I could lead a good life and leave something good for my kids when I’m gone, only to end up with such an outcome. I am destroyed and hurting so much.
I lost hope. I was always positive even when times were hard. I always believed hard work and sacrifices will eventually pay off. I always believed that if I do good I will eventually reap the benefits. I have always tried to be kind, generous, helpful and compassionate with everyone I encountered, no matter who they were. I was religious and believed I will be rewarded for my efforts. I was wrong all along and it really really really hurts to hit the wall and find out all of it was in vain.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting this but I hope to feel even a little better after putting it out there. Thanks for reading me and good luck to everyone out there, life is unfair and cruel.
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u/DagnyTheSpencer Mar 26 '23
Have you considered bankruptcy? Don't be too proud to throw up your hands and abandon the debt. Talk to a financial advisor before you do anything.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Bankruptcy will not be necessary because selling my house will allow me to pay it off and clear all my debt, leaving me and my family broke and homeless. I will try to rent a small place to get buy and will have to start from zero again. I’m not entirely sure I have the strength and will to do that though, I’m just so broken, words cannot describe.
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u/DagnyTheSpencer Mar 26 '23
Bankruptcy is neccessary to take care of your family and keep your home. Put them in front of your pride.
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u/Equal_Meet1673 Mar 27 '23
Talk to a financial adviser ASAP please. If you declare bankruptcy you may be able to keep your home and a roof over your heads.
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u/Penny_Sane Mar 27 '23
If you need help with branding/rebranding or marketing support to make the most of out the next 1.5 months, please message me and I will see what I can do, free of charge. xx
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u/Fun_Tie_6821 Mar 26 '23
Be prepared mentally to start from 0 always , there's nothing wrong about it , try to be at peace. I'm here if you want to talk
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u/LuckystPets REGISTERED Mar 26 '23
I will echo someone here. Consider bankruptcy. It should allow you to keep your house and may even allow you to keep your son in a private school.
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u/kmm198700 Mar 26 '23
Let yourself grieve the loss of your dream. In some ways, it can be equated to the loss of a loved one, unexpectedly. The pandemic ruined your plans and it’s ok to be devastated about it. Cry as much as you need to. I’m sure you must feel overwhelmed but you’re not alone. This isn’t your fault. I believe that there will be something better to come out of all of this. I’m praying for you
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u/indiajeweljax Mar 26 '23
I’m sorry for your situation.
Can you open a dark kitchen and sell delivery-only food on Uber Eats, Deliveroo, etc…?
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
I am considering this but for now I don’t have enough money to proceed. I can probably pull it off once the house is sold but I’m also scared not being able to generate enough revenue to pay the bills…I have a wife and 3 kids to take care of and already put them through so much…
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u/MlleHelianthe Mar 26 '23
I just wanna say, you couldn't predict a worldwide pandemic. As you said, you played by the book and did your best. I don't think it's fair for you to say you put them through so much as if it was entirely your fault. You're going through it together but it's not your fault.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
I understand what you mean and I agree. However the way I see it is I put these kids on this earth and it’s my responsibility to make sure I provide them the best chance in life to make sure they become the best version of themselves and valuable members and contributors in our society. I realize I might be a little to harsh on myself but my mindset is that no matter the excuses or circumstances, if I can’t accomplish this for them, I failed them. But I do understand your reasoning and I guess on a logical standpoint I agreez
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u/MlleHelianthe Mar 26 '23
Well, I get it, but what I can say to that is while you might not feel like it right now, you're a good parent. Take it from someone with a shitty dad. And I think that when your kids are grown up, they'll agree with me. Because a parent that tries their damn best makes all the difference.
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u/yurrm0mm Mar 26 '23
Reach out to your local community action network, they’re extremely helpful with guiding thru hardships and assistance. I never had much after incurring a LARGE amount of student loan debt, but it took me way to long to just talk to social services and they were extremely helpful very quickly. There are a lot of programs out there to explore. Good luck!
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u/BlameTheMeepits REGISTERED Mar 26 '23
Maybe you could do this option via SBA or PPP Loans? You have so much to offer the world OP. Never give up. It's a bad situation not a bad life. 💖
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Maybe. But at this point even the remote idea of incurring more debt is scary and hard to imagine…Thank you so much for your comments and encouragements though.
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u/indiajeweljax Mar 27 '23
It’s solutions time, my Internet friend.
Think about the simplest, easiest way to get back on track and work towards that. Stay on the food track. It’ll all work out.
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u/Cherrygodmother REGISTERED Mar 26 '23
I was always positive even when times were hard. I always believed hard work and sacrifices will eventually pay off. I always believed that if I do good I will eventually reap the benefits. I have always tried to be kind, generous, helpful and compassionate with everyone I encountered, no matter who they were.
Ugh. I feel this so deeply. I’ve built my life doing the same, and I got screwed over by the pandemic too (though in different ways.)
I just wanted to say: don’t give up.
Take it one day at a time. One hour, one MINUTE at a time if you have to. You can survive this. You CAN and you MUST. Because of what I quoted above. We NEED good people like you in this world. Don’t let this harden you, or force your hand to giving up.
I’m not saying “be strong” because honestly? Fuck that. You don’t have to be “strong.” Cry, weep, ask for help, rest, do as many “soft” things as you possibly can. But just keep going. Please.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not fair. You deserve to hear that. It. Is. Not. Fair.
I’m not married so I’m not really in a position to give marriage advice, but I did want to ask you if you feel like you can lean into that partnership at this time and see if maybe there’s a way you both can hold each other close and work together to get through this? I would hate for you to lose your family on top of all this.
I’m also not a financial planner, but I did want to ask: is bankruptcy an option? We looked into it for my parents, and (while my father’s ego couldn’t handle it) from the research that I’ve done, it’s not as damning as I was always under the impression it was. You CAN recover.
I’m so angry at the selfish jerks who are rich and in power who threw us to the wolves and are bailing out banks instead of feeding and housing and saving us citizens. It’s infuriating. And it is not fair.
But you DO still have some power. That power lies within your very own existence. You can choose to hang on to that little light inside of you, though it may have grown dim in these last few years. Don’t let it go out. Please. Don’t give up hope.
We need good humans like you to stick around. You have a strength within you that MANY MANY people do not. Many people do not understand the skills and strength that come with being kind, generous, helpful and compassionate. Those are the skills this world needs more than anything else. Those are the things that keep the world from becoming even more cruel.
I wish I had monetary assistance I could provide. At the end of the day, it all boils down to that. And I hate it. And I wish I had it because I would absolutely share that with you.
But I hope that maybe these comments have given you a little bit of energy. Just enough of a pick-me-up to keep going.
Keep going for your family, for your kiddo (autism is a REAL hurdle… I can only imagine the work you’ve put in to help your kid have a good life with it.) Keep going for yourself. Keep going for the future you, who you may not be able to see yet, but you CAN find them. You have a future. Just don’t give up on it.
Sending you so much love. And again, I am so so sorry this happened to you.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
My friend I want to start by sending you my deepest thanks for your kind reply and elaborate response. Although I’m still sitting here crying for the last few days your message put a little balm on.
Regarding my marriage, I’m not sure what’s going to happen. My wife was never the kind to take any sort of decision or initiative and I was always the one to support and shoulder most of the weight. Don’t get me wrong I’m not blaming or complaining about her, I decided to get married to her and made my choice and am assuming the consequences of my decisions till the end, weather good or bad, easy or hard. I’m not sure if she’ll stick around though and I’m prepared for either conclusion. I lost everything and this is the last straw. I feel I can’t be much worst off than I am now, sadly.
With regards to the bankruptcy, it fortunately won’t be necessary. The sale of my home will pay off most of my debts. It’s just a really hard pill to swallow to see all your hard work, sacrifices and hard work vanish into thin air. I’m basically, on a financial level, restarting my life from scratch, only this time I have over 50k in debts and a family to support.
Again I thank you so very much for your message and sending you much love. God bless you
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u/net357 Mar 26 '23
Not sure if you believe in God, but it may be a good time to start. Have some faith. I’ll be praying for you. It’s powerful.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
I am (admittedly not practicing as much as I should) Christian, but above all I always believed in a higher power, regardless of all the little differences and beliefs. However, to be honest, I’m the last months I’ve started giving up hope on this concept. Things have been going so wrong and I have been hurting so so so much that I’m losing all faith and hope.
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u/net357 Mar 27 '23
I understand. It is so hard to be faithful when you feel like everything is crashing around you. I get it. I’m praying for you and I have faith that you will pull through. God bless.
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u/Chuhaimaster Mar 27 '23
It’s not your fault. Even the hardest working and strongest people can be overcome by random events outside of their control. And you’re still young enough to rebuild your life.
In tough times we need to reach out for help. Don’t be ashamed to receive it. Try and find out all the options for government assistance that are available to you. That’s what they are there for. Remember, we’re all in this together.
Another poster suggested journaling as a way of coping with stress. I think this is sound advice you can implement right away. Whenever you are feeling overcome, take out a notebook and just write what you are feeling. This will help to distance yourself a bit from the situation and process your emotions.
This course on YouTube may also help you to cope with the current situation:
How to Process Your Emotions | Therapy in a Nutshell
I wish you good luck on your journey. You’ve already started on the path by having the courage to write this post. My best wishes to you and your family in these trying times.
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Thank you so very much for your suggestions and your help my friend, I will undoubtedly look into it. Right now though, I’m struggling to just stay alive and not cry my heart out. God bless you
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u/sm12121919 Mar 27 '23
would love to send your son some fun toys meant for kids with autism! PM me if interested!
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Hello, thank you so much for your offer to send my son some toys, you are a wonderful person to even just think about it and I am so very thankful for the proposal. My son is 13 years old and honestly doesn’t have too many interests aside for Legos and technology so it’s very hard to please him with toys. Again, thank you so much for your offer and God bless
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u/sm12121919 Mar 27 '23
does he want more legos?
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Thank you so very much for your kind and generous offer, he already has lots and I’m sure other can benefit more from your generosity
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u/matty30008227 Mar 27 '23 edited Mar 27 '23
At 35 I was strung out on heroin . Nothing going for me . My best friend died of an overdose . I got clean . Went into sober living and all I owned was a few clothes and a blanket . I scratched and clawed and stayed clean . Got back into restaurant work and became a dependable employee . I met a girl and we eventually got an apartment . She left me .. twice . I had finally got a pretty decent restaurant job though and made ok money . One day I’m running sautee and expo lol on a Friday night I believe . Totally slammed . Anyway I slip on the greasy floor ( because of lazy employees not mopping properly ) dislocate my knee . Tear a ligament … hit my head ect . That was almost two years ago . Workers comp has stopped coming because my job claims they are offering me hours at a job I can do … they aren’t . I don’t know if I will ever be able to cook like I did before again … and it’s my passion .
My girl… same girl .. is back with her kids here . I’m just so broken though . I do everything right and get kicked down back into the pits of hell . Like what is even the point . Almost 6 years clean and I’d be homeless if it weren’t for my parents . I go to food banks and try to do the best I can but only because people depend on me . I might would even be dead if I didn’t have a child . I posted here once looking for any kind of help because I was desperate and I think people were thrown off because of subs I’ve been on that have to do with substances .
That was a long part of my life so I still relate to it in ways and even help some people trying to straighten up . I really am clean though .
I think my point of typing all of that is I can relate to your story . You seem like a solid person and the world needs solid people . If nothing else you aren’t alone . Maybe one day things will look up for both of us or maybe they won’t . Who knows ..
I have some part of me that still believes it you don’t give up things will get better . I sure hope they do for you . I’m sending all the good vibes I have left . ✌️
Edit : forgot a word lol
Edit again too add : I realize our situations are different and some of my problems I brought on myself .
I just relate too that broken feeling . The hopelessness even though we are both trying so hard .
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
My friend I’m so sorry for your situation and I thank you for sharing here. Sending you good vibes and lots of luck.
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u/matty30008227 Mar 27 '23
Thank you man . Today has been a tough one . Maybe tomorrow will be better for both of us
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u/CountessElysia Mar 26 '23
I’ve started from nothing twice in my life, single mom with two boys and one has special needs. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. Have faith that you and your family will come out stronger from this. I’m sorry that your dream didn’t work out for you, but perhaps that wasn’t the life best suited for you to begin with. Take this time to reassess the important things in life. While it’s tough with the emotional ride that you have been through, there is always a silver lining, you just need to find it. Most importantly, always be grateful for what you have, not what you want. What you have is what makes you “rich,” your wife and children. A home is just shelter. Family makes your home. I will keep you in my thoughts. Best wishes going forward! You can get through this! Sending positivity your way ❤️
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so very much for your advice and well wishes, and best of luck to you as well
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Mar 26 '23
Oh my gosh. I felt like I was reading my own life. Built a food truck on my own no loans. Sold the food truck and build a restaurant on my own no loans. This included building the entire septic system and getting it inspected. I lost absolutely everything. I lost my home, I lost my business, and because the restaurant revitalization fund was held up by lawsuits by white men claiming discrimination, I lost a $30,000 grant I was approved for that would’ve saved my life.
You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone.
I haven’t been able to work in a year, I caught Covid and long haul made it hard to walk for nearly 8 months. We are going to make it out of this.
We can’t go back to the life we had, but we can create an entirely different life. We have to let go of the people that we were. We have to forgive ourselves for circumstances we could’ve never foreseen. If I had the money, I’d give it to you. I feel like you are me. For the last three years, it seems nothing at all has gone right. The roller coaster has to go back up right? We can only stay in the valley for so long.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing this today. I feel like I have no one to turn to and no one understands. I forget there are thousands of us. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps. I worked hard. I did everything they say you should do. It wasn’t enough. That’s not our fault. We are learning that our nation does not have our best interests at heart. We are learning that small business doesn’t matter to America. What I’m also learning, is that there’s thousands of people like you and me and that we are not alone.
Be kind to yourself. You did the darn thing. You did not fail.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
My fried I am so sorry to hear about your situation and believe me I know how you feel. I wish I could tell you to hang in there and that things will get better but I’m not even sure I believe that myself. I’m really not in a good place right now as my whole world just crumbled down on me. That said, I wish you well and hope you get out of it and make it big. God bless my friend
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u/hellomushisushi Mar 27 '23
I am so sorry for what both of you have gone through. While I have not personally experienced what you are going through, please know that I look up to both of you. You each were willing to take risks and make the most of opportunities to create better lives for your families and yourselves. There is credit there you both deserve.
Tacking on to what someone else said, please research about filing bankruptcy in your area. My father is currently struggling with his business, and this is the safest way to not lose your home. It is a tactic used by the rich to cop out of taxes, avoid significant losses, etc. This is just business - they don’t let it destroy their livelihood, just by doing this. The rich stay wealthy because they understand the system and work it to their advantage. Learn the system of your area, talk to lawyers with free consults, webinars by small business associations, even your local library may have resources.
Prayers for both of you in these times 🤲
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will look into it further but the advice I got so far goes against the bankruptcy given my situation. There is also the fact that I’m in Canada, I’m not sure if the rules are the same everywhere.
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u/Disney_Princess137 Mar 26 '23
Unfortunately the pandemic hurt a lot of people. I want you to understand you are unfortunately lumped into that category. It wasn’t your fault 🙏
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u/SunBusiness8291 Mar 26 '23
You have taken a hard hit, for sure, but you have to know that you are young enough to begin again and meet all your success goals. It doesn't feel like it right now, but many, many, many, many have begun and achieved their goals after 50. Hang in there. You're gonna be ok.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement my friend, all the best to you as well
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u/BVO120 Mar 26 '23
Therapy, my friend. Therapy!!
Like you, I went through some deep, DEEP shit through COVID.
I'm not trying to brag, and according to my therapist, this is objectively true: I am one mentally sound person. I am pretty damn good at coping.
But when I had to have MAJOR surgery (during COVID), I lost my job almost immediately thereafter, my mom (states away) was diagnosed with lung cancer, AND my husband's and my hopes of starting a family were dashed due to my job loss all in the span of 3.5 months, I started having panic attacks.
Therapy helped me survive the most stressful, lowest time of my life. Then it helped me process all that awfulness so that with time, I could regain hope.
This time right now SUCKS. It's AWFUL. Reach out for some help getting through it. You don't have to carry it all alone.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so much for your suggestion and your comments. I am really sorry you had to go through such a bad experience and I really hope your struggle will end soon. Unfortunately right now I cannot afford any type of therapy, my first financial priority is housing my family and feeding them.
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u/BVO120 Mar 26 '23
I absolutely understand the need to prioritize survival needs.
Just remember, eventually mental health is a survival need. Hopefully soon you can find some affordable therapy. And while debt is never good, if it means the difference between you surviving and not, I'm sure your loved ones would pay anything to see you well and thriving again.
In the meantime, you might google "how to survive mental health crisis until I can afford therapy."
Journaling how you're feeling on a given day can definitely help. Just letting all the burdens spill out on the page is a great outlet. If you qualify for Medicaid, it should cover some mental health services.
Hang on, friend. Hang on.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you very much for the precious suggestions my friend, definitely worth a look. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help I really appreciate it
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u/Mikehemi529 Mar 27 '23 edited Mar 27 '23
It's a learning experience my friend. Look into not selling your home. It might be worthwhile to look into bankruptcy to protect your home and your family. I'm not sure if you've looked into this already but this is exactly what this protection is there for. The only way this wouldn't be worth it is if your house is so huge and expensive to maintain that it will cost you more than rent will each month. You can also rent out rooms in your house and build a shed and rent that out to bring in some cash flow. I know you want emotional support but I want to make sure you're looking at all your options friend. I know it's tough, I wish I could just make the whole covid thing go away so you could have had a fair chance at it. Please take care of yourself friend.
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Thank you so much for your advice and kind words my friend. It helps more than you think.
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u/Mikehemi529 Mar 27 '23
Absolutely, I want the best for you. Many extremely successful people have gone through bankruptcy and come out more successful than before. The key is not giving up and just trying to do better than you did yesterday. Give got this!
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u/Kishasara REGISTERED Mar 27 '23
This happened to my Fiancé’s friend. Opened up his restaurant and then in 10 months, Covid hit hard. He lost his restaurant, his marriage feel apart in the aftermath. He ended up selling and moving to a new state to start over.
Honestly, a food truck would have been a wiser choice for him. I can’t really offer advice as I have not walked even a step in your shoes, but I do hope that you find some semblance of peace and learn to forgive yourself. Ground zero sucks, but the good news is that you have the ability to start over. It’s gonna be hard, but the potential is there.
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u/doctoralstudent1 Mar 27 '23 edited Mar 27 '23
Hi OP,
I am so very sorry that you have fallen on hard times. I grew up poor and joined the military (ROTC) to pay for my bachelor's degree. I worked hard and completed my MBA and eventually my doctorate in business administration. I don't ever want to go back to being poor, but if I do, I know I can make it out again. Do not let fear overwhelm you. Be confident that you achieved success once and can do so again.
I have spent many years in finance, so I would like to offer the following advice:
- Your home is a valuable asset, so protect it. Look into filing for bankruptcy and either have your remaining debt discharged or restructured to affordable payments. Bankruptcy does not last forever on your credit report.
- Pick up a side hustle. You sound like an educated, driven person, so think about the jobs you ( and your wife/spouse/partner) can do in the evening and on weekends. I have found some PT teaching jobs (adult learning and adjunct professor) that have supplemented my income for many years.
- You stated that your son is autistic. I know you are disappointed that you have to put him into public school, however, you can request tutoring for him from his school. Also, look for tutors outside of his school or even a charter school, if you can. Here is a tutoring service that I am affiliated with: wyzant.com. Also, school will be ending soon and there are a lot of college kids looking for jobs. Find one to be your son's PT tutor.
- You stated that you bought a restaurant. Are you a cook or chef? Look to open a dark kitchen and sell food, cakes, etc. through your neighborhood forum as your side hustle. There are several people who sell food using Nextdoor.com.
- Sell what you don't need, cut your expenses down to the absolute bare necessities, and use food pantries. These actions can be emotional, but remember, your goal is to get back on your feet financially. You will have to eliminate things like Netflix, eating out, unnecessary food items like alcohol, etc.
- Look for free things to do for hobbies: Hiking, library books, museums, etc.
- Explain the financial situation to your children so that they understand the severity. This discussion will be humbling, but everyone in the family must be on the same page.
- Call 211 to see what other resources are available in your area.
- Join subreddit forums like r/Frugal for money saving ideas.
- Join meetup.com and attend free online or in-person group meetings on financial literacy. Just type "financial" in the search box.
- Stop shopping retail. Shop at local thrift stores for clothing and household needs. Also take a look at hip2save.com and freestufffinder.com
- Come back to this subreddit for emotional support.
Good luck OP! You can do this. DO NOT LET FEAR OVERWHELM YOU. If you have any questions please DM me and I will try and assist you.
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Hello friend, thank you so much for your elaborate and helpful response, it is greatly appreciated. I will definitely look into most of your suggestions as they seem extremely relevant, however certain things don’t really apply to my situation given my location. Thanks again so very much for taking the time, I really really appreciate it. God bless
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Mar 27 '23
My heart aches. I can say things will get better. Don't give up hope. I will ask you this though What are you doing right now? Are you working in a restaurant? Can you do side work? Example can you do a food cart or cook in someone's home? I do not know where you live and I do not know the laws. I am just trying to feel out ways that you might be able to bounce back.
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Right now I’m still operating the restaurant but it will be closing in about 1.5 months. After that, I have no idea what I will be doing. At this moment I feel completely paralyzed and just going through the motions. I am so sad and so out of strength I can barely think.
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u/MountainHighOnLife Mar 27 '23
Covid really screwed a lot of restaurants. It's such a high risk business as is with very thin profit margins even under the best of circumstances. I am sorry that happened to you.
I'd suggest (if you haven't yet) considering what a pivot would look like for you. Could you rent commercial kitchen space and sell weekly meal prepping? Is a food truck an option? How about catering or private chef work?
My sister is a chef and lost her job during covid. She has built a really successful business doing "on demand" type cooking. Basically she puts out a weekly menu and people place their order. Some people will buy a week's worth of meals and others will buy 1-2 meals but she stays very busy. She rents a commercial kitchen space for something like $20 or $30 /hr and cooks once during the weekend and once mid-week Then has a pick up spot where people can grab their orders. It works really well for her with very little overhead.
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
Thank you so very much for your input and suggestion. I will definitely be looking into something like this, just need to get out of my ‘’shock’’ phase right now but that’s definitely a great possibility. Thanks again so much
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u/MountainHighOnLife Mar 27 '23
You are absolutely entitled (and should!) grieve your dream and the resources lost. It sucks. It really, really sucks! I'm sorry it happened. Take your time to mourn and when you're ready, know that you might have some options to keep your dream in action. It just might look differently than you anticipated.
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u/LittleBirdBun Mar 27 '23
I was coming to say something similar! You could market meals for brand new parents so friends and family can buy a freezer meal from you for them. Holiday meals?
I'm so sorry this happened to you and I truly hope you're able to find something that works. Have you tried doing a TikTok video maybe and ask what people would be interested in? Might help to get extra ideas.
All the best!!
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Mar 27 '23
Can you do banquets or cook in people's homes for special occasions? Something that will still generate income? I get it. I understand. I am just trying to give you ideas.
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
It actually is a possibility that I will eventually explore. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and help me, I appreciate it more than words can say.
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u/Kooky-Day-1690 Mar 27 '23
Hey, uhm reading broke me. reality can be harsh. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, all I can say is I’m praying for you and your family.
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u/stormy-seas-91 Mar 26 '23
I’m sorry! I would definitely grieve it and talk to someone about all this.
I don’t know if it makes sense to sell your home to pay debt. Maybe talk to a financial advisor.
Sometimes in these situations, all you can do is try to surrender and trust. I know things can get better. Sorry all of this happened!
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Mar 26 '23
I know how u feel.. I haven't been doing ok and recently even thinking about taking my own life just bcos of how desperate I am for help and most people just say things will get better or it will be ok.. they don't know how hard it is. I truly hope you'll find a way..
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you for your comment. I actually thought about taking my own life for a long time and even started putting a plan together, but for some reason I am incapable of going through with it.
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Mar 26 '23
The only reason I haven't done that is bcos I have a nephew and niece, they lost their parents last year and I've been raising them. Being in debt with no way to pay it off after losing job is tough, and the fact that I can't get help bcos they think I'm still young and have lots of potential is even more frustrating..but I can't do it bcos I'm the only family the twins have left. so yeah.. I understand how frustrating and stressful it is, I'm at the point where I hate hearing things will get better bcos it's the other way around.
I can relate with the religious part too.. I do good and do what I'm supposed to. So to hit rock bottom and hear other believers say things like god only tests those he loves makes me feel even more awful
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u/vert1s Mar 26 '23
I get how people telling you it'll get better is frustrating. It doesn't feel like it ever will and in truth it's not guaranteed to. I think a more accurate sentiment is "this too shall pass". The problems of today are not the same as those of tomorrow.
There will always be problems of one form or another. Some seem surmountable and some seem insurmountable.
It reminds me a lot of Paris Syndrome. People from Japan dream of holidaying in Paris, saving up for a post card holiday. Then they go there and Paris in the real world doesn't match the postcard/movie Paris. It's a dirty smelly city (more so at the moment because the French are protesting pension reform by not picking up the garbage).
They go home disallusioned. But Paris is still cool and has a lot to offer, despite all the 'real world' flaws. Life is a little like this. We expect a christmas movie version of how things should be, and it just isn't.
Also the "God only tests those he loves" is not biblical it's meaningless drivel (I'm not religious but a grew up a Pastors Kid)
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u/Princess-She-ra Mar 26 '23
I'm so sorry. This sounds awful and I'm sending you lots of love and hugs. I know that can't fix anything, but you are not alone.
Please reach out for support. If your medical insurance doesn't cover emotional/psychological support, then please reach out to community resources (in the US contact 211 to see what's available).
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Mar 26 '23
We all live in a sad world right now and it shows little sign of being better anytime soon. You seem to have the right mindset, you know that others may have it worse and you know you have to keep it going for the family. You may be in a low point in life right now but I can tell you have the right attitude to get through tough times and you have gotten through them before. I myself have been homeless to working a good paying job and a decent place to live back to almost homeless again now with zero help and now no friends to help, been scraping from instacart to either be able to put gas in car or eat something for the day. Even made some posts on here trying to "beg" for a full tank of gas so I can just make enough to stock up on things and not have this day to day rat race thats impossible to win.
You my friend are going to get through this. Why? Because I can tell you are not the type to give up and you have a family you care about and that alone will keep your nose to the grindstone. Take it day by day and just push through, something will give and life will improve. After all if you give up, everything just stops and then gets much worse. Get up everyday and do what you gotta do. For your kids, for you and to prove anyone doubting you right now that they were wrong.
Everyday is a chance that things could get better so keep living through the days no matter what happens. And best wishes and luck to you!
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so very much for your kinds words and encouragements. God bless your soul and help you through your tough times. Sending you much love
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Mar 26 '23
Thank you! And best wishes back to you. Never lose that will to keep pushing and you will always make it though tough times.
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u/niiiitii Mar 26 '23
I’m so sorry OP, I understand that feeling of overwhelming, major sadness.
I’m wishing the best for you and am sending some love. At the very least, try not to be so tough on yourself. Nothing is your fault, I mean that sincerely. ❤️
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so much for your lovely comment. To be honest, I don’t blame myself really because like I wrote before, I literally gave it everything I had without any reserve. I’m just so sad and defeated and scared of what’s coming next.
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u/SJWCombatant Mar 26 '23
OP I know a thing or two about suffering and depression, and long term investments that didn't pan out leaving me destitute. And while my problems are different enough from yours that it doesn't compare please realize we both suffer/have suffered/will continue to suffer in life. All people who are not fundamentally devoid of emotion share that with us.
Realize you aren't alone in suffering, and you have many who have sympathy for you in this tumultuous time. I know one thing that you forgot to include in your description though. You have shown remarkable confidence, bravery a solid work ethic, and don't back down from a challenge. And thats a great thing because you will need these strengths for now, and whats ahead.
Financial upheaval is at the worlds door step, and will affect all but the ones lucky enough to have insider information and money and/or resources beyond measure. You got to the point those people will be at a bit earlier than most others, and while things are changing it means that there is room for opportunity where new things can come into focus. Others will heed your wisdom when they arrive at similar trials and you will have a one up on them, and keys to the kingdom of opportunity that they will just be stepping foot into.
Perhaps a youtube or tiktok series documenting your struggles while maintaining anonymity could be profitable for you? Or even just a blog where you could develop a passive income from ad revenue. Maybe you could comment on what works and what doesn't work when opening a restaurant? Or perhaps you could study financial counseling, and aid others while you help to right your ship.
My point is that one door closing often doesn't mean you are trapped in a room with nowhere to go, it can mean having the freedom to forge new paths.
The situation with your husband and son are expectedly closer to your heart, and that pain knows no bounds, and I think no words can make that better. The feeling of inadequacy with family can make you feel irredeemably worthless, and I am guilty of that feeling as well in my past, and what I found helpful was this: Change what you have control over, stand by your convictions, and everything else will fall into place.
Btw: Some schools offer scholarships for students that are the children of employees, and you have restaraunt management skills. Seems there might be a good opportunity like that if you look for it.
OP I wish you the best of luck!
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so very much for your advise and input, it is greatly appreciated. I will take the time to re-read your post when the dust settles a little, there seems to be some solid stuff in it. Right now all I can think of is the magnitude of my loss and how much I am set back and I feel paralyzed. Thanks again for your help friend.
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u/Seversevens Mar 26 '23
I don’t know why you think renting is going to be better than just paying your mortgage?
Really reconsider this part
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u/rezzychic Mar 26 '23
I think they are wanting to sell their house so they have a large lump sum to pay off debts, and then would have to rent because poor credit won’t currently allow financing a new home.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Exactly
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Mar 27 '23
[deleted]
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
I will look into it further although it goes against the advice I’ve gotten so far but I’m not closing any doors.
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u/EnoughAd4721 Mar 26 '23
I'm so sorry man. I wish I could say the right thing to ease ur heart. If I had anything I would share it. I promise that. If by some miracle I come into some money I promise you won't be forgotten.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so much for your kind words and your good vibes my friend. I wish you much wellness and fortune.
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Mar 26 '23
That sounds so hard OP, I’m so sorry you have to go through it. You’re right - life IS unfair and cruel at times and no amount of positive thinking will make it not so. Things are going to be shit for a while, but you know what? You’ve proven you have the smarts and the strength to build something amazing. You can do it again, when the grief subsides. This does not define you. Cry as much as you need to, and dust yourself off when you’re ready. Hugs x
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so much for your kinds words. Right now I don’t feel like I can do anything. I am frozen and have no energy, will or strength to do anything at all. I feel paralyzed and helpless.
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u/FattierBrisket Mar 26 '23
It's okay and normal to need some time to grieve over the loss of the life you had before getting on with the next thing. It's a big transition.
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u/jacobite22 Mar 26 '23
This is heartbreaking. It is rough just now and you're really going through it. But please don't lose hope entirely. Eventually you'll look back on this and you'll see how you made it out. Right now it seems hopeless but the only way out is through. I really wish you all the best!
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u/EuphoricSupernova Mar 27 '23
Some things are meant to fall apart so better things can fall together. Maybe we can’t see what’s falling into place yet for you, but it’s there and you’ll see in due time why everything worked out the way it did and how it shaped your path in life to make you stronger and wiser. Life has peaks and valleys, progress isn’t linear, and we can’t be positive all the time. It’s okay to mourn what could’ve been but also remember to reflect on what you’ve learned and be thankful for what you’ve kept and what you’ve gained. It seems like you’ve found yourself in a valley right now and the only way to go is up - and you’re only going to come out stronger by climbing this hill. Everything you need to transcend adversity is inside of you already.
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u/Loki1191 Mar 27 '23
I get the feeling. My bird died and I was just done. My bird was my best bud and my only reason to keep going. When he died my whole world fell to pieces because all my life plans revolved around him. I went to the mental facility and came back. I got a dog that I'm training for a service dog and he's the sweetest thing. Just keep going. I know it's hard and it seems like it wont ever get better right now, but when some doors close, others open. It hurts still, but I never would have got my sweet dog if I still had my bird. Look for the opportunities and once you find it, cling to it everytime you feeling low and use it to keep going. Get therapy, get job help, maybe get on some depression meds, and maybe see if you can work on some skills that you can make money on. I've been working on proofreading to get a proofreading business going.
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u/shellstains Mar 26 '23
Sharing is one of the best things you can do. I am an alcoholic in recovery and in peoples hardest times, sharing in a meeting is what saved them. I know you do not have a drug addiction but “pain shared is pain lessened”. Also I work in a public school in an autism specific class and the aides/teachers are great
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u/West_Broccoli7881 Mar 26 '23
As someone who closed their business due to several reasons, one being COVID, I get it. It sucks.
This crappy thing does not define your worth. ❤️
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u/Ill-Income-2567 Mar 26 '23
You were delt a crappy hand. There is nothing you can do other than play it. Take it day by day. One step at a time.
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u/ndirangul REGISTERED Mar 26 '23
I'm sorry OP for all that you're going through, and I'm praying that things work out for you. I somehow can relate with most parts of your post -- I'm 34. But I've pretty much struggled my whole life, ever since I can remember. I thought by now I'd at least have a lot things in life together. But here I am, still struggling, wallowing in debt, no kids and current relationship of 6 years is complicated. And Lately, I'm struggling to pay my bills.
I'm not one to compare myself with others, but I sometimes feel as if so many people out here aren't trying as hard and yet they seem to be fairing alright. They seem to have it together... I don't know, I could be wrong.
Sorry for talking about myself. Just want you to feel like you're not alone. The dark cloud shall pass --- and you'll get through this.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
Thank you so much for your comment, I wish I could tell you it will get better but right now I don’t even believe it myself. At your age I was in a similar situation but kept going with the goal of starting my own business. By the age of 38 I made it happen and for the first time of my life I felt I turned a corner and was finally on the (beginning of a) road to success. I worked VERY hard these last 3 years (80-90 hours/week 7 days/week, no vacation, no family events, christ I even lost friends and family because of the time I put in the business to try and make it work). And in the last 2 years, things have been going downhill slowly slowly. I am at the point now where I lost everything. Literally.
I’m sorry for going on about my situation too and like I said I wish I could tell you to hang in there but I don’t even believe it myself.
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u/Old-Act3456 Mar 26 '23
Where do you live? It sounds like the US but I’m not sure. If it is the US, the answer is leave. The country is the most oppressive atmosphere and economy I have ever seen or experienced.
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u/Affectionate_Salt351 Mar 26 '23
I’m not OP, but also feeling desperate and curious: where would you suggest making the destination?
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
I’m in Canada
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u/Old-Act3456 Mar 26 '23
I know very little about Canada, never visited before. The answer may still be an exit.
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u/DrFredz Mar 26 '23
That’s a little easier said than done, with a wife and 3 kids it would be quite the challenge and I definitely don’t have the strength to go through something like that now.
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u/SuperiorT Mar 27 '23
lmao what country should all Americans move to then?
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u/Old-Act3456 Mar 27 '23
Nobody said “all Americans” except you. We’re talking about defeated and depressed Americans.
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u/SuperiorT Mar 27 '23
Yea exactly, that's everyone in the US... 🙄 so where do we all move to bud?
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u/Old-Act3456 Mar 28 '23
Personally, I've chosen and found a lot of happiness in Mexico. I lived there for a year and I'm returning now that my most recent travels are over. For you, I can't say but there's a lot of good info in r/AmerExit and r/IWantOut. Sincerely, good luck.
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u/Soon2BProf Mar 27 '23
Your first problem was saving up and blowing the money on opening a restaurant. A restaurant has the biggest failure rate than any other business. If you love cooking then cook for family and friends and let them tell you how amazing ur food is. Don’t waste time cooking for strangers. Had you invested that money wisely, you would have came out ahead. That said ur not even 40 yet. Create a 5 & 10 year plan and follow through with it step by step. Find a career you live doing that will pay well and focus on getting it. Maybe consider applying for jobs in rural communities once ur figure out what career you want. And then start applying. Your income will increase drastically if u pick the right field of work and decide to live in the middle of no where. I went back to school for a second career and moved up near Alaska. In 3 years I went from making $40,000 to $105,000; as soon as I graduated I started apply for jobs up north and got one a lot faster than any urban area.
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u/DrFredz Mar 27 '23
All due respect my friend, I know many people that opened restaurants and are quite successful. I have many examples of this first hand so I don’t think it’s very fair to state such things. Regardless, thank you for your advice and I’m glad things are working out for you.
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u/Soon2BProf Mar 27 '23
Just because people you know beat the odds doesn’t change the fact that the majority fail. ( https://www.cbc.ca/dragonsden/m_blog/four-businesses-most-likely-to-fail) that still means you are taking a greater risk than a person who chooses to go into construction, or plumber, or become a doctor, or nurse, or paramedic, or IT technician, etc. (More stable jobs with chances of greater return on your investment in education or training/trade). It’s like seeing all your friends throw their life savings into lottery tickets and winning the lottery, doesn’t mean you doing the same would result in you winning the lottery. It’s not just about working hard, it’s also about logic. Those who plan strategically and work hard, have greater odds of succeeding in life. Those that think practically. Do research and see wha jobs are hiring the most in your area and see if you like any of them, then focus on a second career. For example, nurses in my area get a $10,000 bonus for starting in my area after a 6 month commitment and $5,000 retention bonus for the first 3 years. If nursing was something I was interested in, then that’s what I would have choose. It’s not too late to succeed. Student loans aren’t the worst thing in the world. And with an autistic kid you would get more government funding. Maybe look at company’s in ur area that will help pay for private school for your kid (depending which country ur in). And then look at what jobs are in that company, see if any catch your eye. Never throw all your eggs in one basket, always have 2-3 fall back plans. My husband had his own business at one point from 2012-2018 that barely kept its head above water. I eventually made him sell it because it was a dream not worth fighting for once we had a family. Dreams change, he was devastated but realized it was for the best. Now he has a new dream to get into fish and wildlife preservation, which is something he wanted to do as a kid but couldn’t afford to go to school to study it. He is now starting school in September for it.
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