I was having a really bad urges but I kinda forgot I set an alarm to take my meds. My alarm is a really cursed mouthwashing fan song "a captain's curse" and it blasted on full freaking volume so I just sat here ready to cut on one second and dying laughing on the next. I was laughing so hard it actually made me stop, just take my meds and go to sleep😭🙏🏻

Also I'm two weeks clean thanks to this freaky ahh song yay

I don’t want to get better I want to get so much worse and I know I shouldn’t but I want to get so bad that someone finds out and I have to go to hospital and I don’t have to explain anything because it’s past that point and I just want it to get so bad but I know it’s wrong

TWW: FRESH CVT AND BLADE MENTIONS

So a minute ago i was cutting and feeling invalid because i wasn't going "deep enough" when i was going down to styros, but then i remembered two weeks ago when those stupid new blades hadn't come and the most i could do was epidermis. Do not go deeper trust me its so horribly addictive i cannot bear going a day without cutting to styros its so bad

They saw them by accident and it was the deepest I've ever cut because I was using a different tool. They looked really upset and they kept checking in on me to see if I was ok. I tried doing it a little bit afterwards but I felt too bad thinking about them that I couldn't really do it. I want to now. Life has been stressful and I guess this is a way to show that I haven't been doing so great. This is basically the first time I've been sober like this. It feels weird but I'm trying and I think that's something somewhat.

So about a week and a half ago I (24f) relapsed after 6+ years of being clean (im going through a lot of shit right now). I told my girlfriend after my initial relapse and said I wouldn't do it again. I lied. Ive been cutting daily since. Nothing too deep, but they're all some variation of "styro" and theres a lot of them. I live with her and have been wearing long sleeves and hoodies strictly, so she hadn't seen the new cuts until last night.

She forced me to give her all my tools and she threatened to send me to a hospital if I did it again. I know its from a good place but the way she went about handling it all made me feel worse than I already do. I understand she is angry that I broke her trust but I really wish she would have been more gentle about everything.

I have nobody to talk to about this who understands and doesn't think I'm fucking crazy. I feel so alone.

Idk. I have so many shitty feelings going on and feel like a failure and a disappointment. I thought I had kicked this stupid habit for good but I guess not. I should never have picked up that stupid razor again. I hate this and I hate myself. Its all I can think about right now. The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was cutting. Its like an obsession for me. I'm scared I'm gonna go buy more shit and do it again. I'm scared I'm going to ruin my relationship over this. I'm a shitty person and an even shittier girlfriend.

I guess this is for my own good. I was hoping I could have stopped on my own terms through therapy and stuff again but the wait lists are so long right now for any therapist that seems like a good fit. Idk. Sorry for the scatter brain thoughts.

guys, i was out w a family member and he caught them and asked me what they were, i mean, i just said it's nothing and he asked in a more serious tone, it was obvious it was sh, but i just ignored it and then i literally just left, i mean i had to go to work but is straight up left, i don't live with him, but what should i do, this the first time someone saw them, the next time i see him it's going to be so awkward, advice or help? I started to cut more on other areas and less on my arms, but just so happen he saw those on my arms ugh, i feel like any second imma have a text which goes like " we need to have a talk" i fuckint hate it gosh

edit: i think the main feeling is disappointment, like i let someone down big time and that they are going to be mad at me forever,,,

edit 2: i feel like throwing up omg,,

So as the title says, yesterday I couldn't bare it anymore and broke my 2 years streak of not sh. Now I realise that my family invited me and my husband to a vacation on the beach, so naturally we're gonna go into the sea and the pool. One of the cuts was kind of deep (you could see like white and it looked open, I have a patch on it rn) and I'm worried it will get infected or something. I don't worry about my family seeing, my mother and brother know, and I will be wearing swimming trunks anyways, all that I worry about is that the pool or the sea will give me an infection. Or do you guys think it would be closed by then and have nothing to worry about?

I am healed and I only have scars now.

Honestly, it gets easier. I got better at handling urges and my emotions. I can handle my triggers now. I am also no longer ashamed of my scars. That's all. Thank you.

I’m just rlly ofnfused n hope it isn’t like cancer or something 😭😭

I can’t even be fucking bothered with this shit anymore. I just turned seventeen and I have BPD and I literally hurt myself all the time. I’ve hurt myself since I was like 8 and started cutting a couple years ago but I just cannot stop no matter what I do. I also have crazy bad body issues. I starve myself all the time then I try and get better, gain the weight back, then start purging and starving again. My metabolism is fucked. Today I saw my body and ordered a ton of weight loss pills and then just cut myself a ton and now I can’t stop bleeding and all the bloods all over my favourite jacket :( and I have a date later which I’m probably going to cancel because of this. I’m just fucking fed up. This is going to kill me eventually and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. When I tell you I’ve done EVERYTHING I can do get better I mean it, my body’s the main issue and I have no support. I was emotionally abused for years and I’ve been sexually abused in the past, still the hardest thing is eating. If I liked my body I honestly think I’d ne able to stop hurting myself. I tried to recover now I’m just going back to starving and purging because it’s the only thing I have. I won’t pass my exams because of it, it zaps all of the life out of me. If I don’t starve to death one day I’ll kill myseld and everyone will pretend they didn’t see it coming when I begged for help for years and they all fucking ditched me at my lowest and act like they’re there for me then fuck off and leave me to die. I’m here for everybody all the time and I just fucking hate myself so much I don’t deserve to exist like this I’m a waste of fucking space I have no talents or skills or redeemable qualities I just want to fucking end it and I’m going to cut myself up and never be able to stop. It’s so pathetic I literally cut myself watch it bleed then instantly scramble to stop the bleeding it’s so pathetic im so mad at myself

I don't see the point in trying to stay clean right now. I've done all of my usual coping skills but nothing is helping. I don't see a reason in fighting this

Edit: Sorry if there are grammatical errors or if it doesn’t make sense, I’m tired to bits

I cannot fucking believe myself. It’s my birthday, and I get the best gift: to see my friends who live 4+ hours away. I should be happy, so why the fuck did I bring a blade with me? Why am I so desperate to hurt myself that I bring blades everywhere with me? School, vacations, even on little walks around the neighbourhood.

I’m scared because I can feel the urge to cut myself in my friend’s bathroom. Just to hide and go deeper in my skin, and I don’t know what to do. I’m six days clean, almost a week, and I really don’t even feel anything anymore. The only thing I can feel is the blood pumping through the veins in my wrists. The scratches/scabs from the last time I cut are still there, but fainter. I feel a need to make them deep enough that they scar.

I feel stupidly selfish, especially since I (platonically) love my friends. I’m specifically at my friend, let’s call them Syrup (NB) (because they like syrup). My skin is so fucking itchy, it feels like there’s maggots underneath and I need to tear them out. I just don’t feel anything, not on this medication. I feel numb and dull. I cannot appreciate my friends enough, and it makes me feel like a horrible friend to them all.

I’m just sitting here, watching them play a game on their computer with our mutual they called on discord. I can’t do much else, I’ve counted the amount of plushies in their room. I feel so dumb and bad, because they’re really amazing. They know I struggle with SH and horrible depression, and I really don’t want them to worry. I’m scared and don’t know what to do.

Why am I so selfish? I don’t fucking know anymore

I have already been struggling on this trip to my cousins house. We went to Burger King and I ended up cutting in the bathroom. I cut in the fucking Burger King bathroom what is wrong with me

So I (16f) have a friend (15f). One day at school lunch break we were outside sitting down on a grassy area and she pushed me down and began to dry hump me. I told her to stop and tried getting up but she wouldn’t. She got after about 40 seconds. Once I told some of my other friends about it they just laughed and found it funny in which I don’t at all. A week or so later I said “remember when you dry humped me i didn’t like it.” and she said “yeah and I’d do it again.” She’ll also grab my add and boobs without me wanting her too. I’m not sure if that’s sexual assault especially because we’re both girls but I just want other peoples opinion.

I’ve felt suicidal and sh for the past 4 years and ever since that happened I’ve just felt so much more worse I feel like I’m overthinking and overreacting about it but I’m not sure. She knows I sh but she thinks I’ve stopped and she’ll occasionally make jokes about it and it just always make me feel so uncomfortable. I don’t wanna tell her how I feel in case she makes a huge deal out of it and stops being my friend then I’ll have no one. Ever since then I’ve just felt so much worse and can’t stop cutting.

I’m really stressed right now. How do I make sure I don’t do it again?

..my mom found out about my s.h
and i think its only made me feel worse.
the day she found out, she kind of freaked out and then hugged me. i thought she understood, but barely thirty minutes after, she went to go thru my phone.

the day after, she took me to the shore to talk. when i was hesitant to talk about it (i hide most things, down to my basic interests, for as long as i can remember. ive always been the 'happy, silly' kid, i dont open up) she threatened to go thru all my things and keep me from going to my dads house & theater, some of the only places i find peace

she told people after promising not to, like my dad and my doctor, to my knowledge atleast but im scared she told other people besides that, she has a habit. she also showed my therapist my cuts without my permission.

and soon, she did body checks, usually while i was in the shower. so, showering no longer became peaceful for me, a place to wash off the toils of the day, but now a time where im laid bare and proded at, an examination on if im acting like a 'normal' person or not. and she makes comments. when i cover my boobs in the shower during these body checks, she says "dont do that, ive seen that body of urs b4, i made it, dont be shy" and when i look uncomfortable she goes "dont act like that. im not the one who did this little joke. i try to take short showers nowadays, or none at all when i cant find a time shes busy.

and a few times, she called my self harm me 'lashing out' or being a bad kid. im not a bad kid, honest. i try my best to be good and funny and nice and im sorru im suffering and all i nneed is a bit of understanding and i know its wrong and that your my mom and i should value your feelings too but this 'recovery' feels more liek its about this poor mom with a stupid kid who cuts themselves then about the kid who cuts themselves

i know adults know better. i know i cant get mad. i know im supposed to follow what they say. i know even if i tried to get upset, i would be shot down and never taken seriously. i know its wrong of me to not trust her. i know its bad i trust my friend more.

sorry for the long rant

My sister found out about my sh early on and asked me about it like once after that and recently she lies about having to go to the toilet or peaks into the little keyhole to stop me or just look at what I‘m doing and it gives me the creeps like I get why she‘d be concerned but it feels like I barely have privacy anymore.

Just now she confronted me about it and wanted me to roll up my sleeves and asked me if I did it again and just kept on asking why or that she doesn’t just want to stand on the sidelines and see me do this to myself. I thought I‘d kind of like the attention given to me but I just froze up and wanted to cry.

She said she just wanted to know why and that she wouldn’t tell my parents. She also asked why I don’t reach out for help, if I’d told anyone else and in the end she just said that everyone will find out eventually. Why couldn’t she just leave me alone? She kept on asking the same thing and standing there for 30min even though I didn’t want to answer and I had to push back that feeling of almost crying and I felt my saliva in my mouth (I hate that feeling when I‘m aware of everything my body does).

It feels like I‘m drifting away from my family and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t even know if I want to do anything about it. In the end this made me feel bad and I guess that’s just what I deserve.

What are some products that help with scar healing? I've been applying Vaseline on them for a few weeks now cuz it's all I have currently. They're not very deep but they drew some blood and I don't want people finding out about them so I want them gone ASAP.

TW maybe

For the past 3 days I’ve been waking up and immediately cutting myself no matter my mood, I don’t even know why my head just feels blocked and numb like I can’t express anything fully so I Cut to feel emotion, and after a while, when I cut in the morning, I just start crying for a little bit then I get out of bed do a bunch of random shit and hobby’s and throughout the day I randomly cut myself even when nothing is happening. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore, i have dumb fucking thoughts like wanting to fucking tear my own skin off and rip my heart out of my chest. I think A LOT and even though I want to feel emotion I feel like I’m also cutting to suppress my thoughts so I don’t have to think of terrible things. This is like a whole fucking loop I’ve lead my stupid dumb ass self into and I can’t get out. I really imagine myself cutting for the rest of my life or at least what’s left of it until eventually it probably kills me. I also can’t even go deep and I’m such a fucking loser for that, my feelings don’t fucking matter. My life isn’t even hard I’ve just made it that way cause I’m a stupid terrible fucking person.

So I am gonna HAVE to get better for vacation to Mexico march 2025, like get better early Feb or late January. How am I supposed to go from csnt hols back from sh for 12 hours to clean????

I’ve SHed for as long as I can remember and my therapist is asking me to write a thank you/ goodbye letter to sh. When she first asked me to do it a few weeks ago I said there was no way but now I’m coming to terms with it but have no idea how to start or what to say. For context I have just relapsed after being 6 months clean and had been saying for months that I needed to do it just one more time to get closure. I was wrong! since doing it my urge have been stronger than ever and I still want to do it just one more time. My therapist thinks writing this letter might give the closure I’m looking for because I’m finding the idea that I’ll never do it again really hard because I guess I just believe I’ll always slip up at some point. Has anyone else had to write a letter to sh. How did you do it and know what to say? I’m really struggling to find the words to say what I need to say and need some advice

My best friend has struggled with self harm for a very long time like I have. When I saw him yesterday I saw healing stuff on one of his hands. Made me really really want to relapse.

We live in different states so it's hard for me to feel close to him. And I feel like me being clean makes me feel farther away from him.

The main reason I haven't relapsed is because my work as a dishwasher and kinda need my hands and arms.

I mean I have a condition and I have pills for it but for the past few days I don't take enough and I've stopped taking them so I am in pain and I'm not sure if the condition can kill me, it might do though, but I'm intentionally not taking the pills and I'm happy about it