I hear many people say that "people with autism tend to excel at stuff like math" when I literally don't have that bruh. Hearing these honestly makes me feel awful about myself because I always feel like I'm supposed to have at least 1 exceptional skill when I literally don't have it.

I practice Buddhist-inspired meditation. In that context I have read a lot of "spirituality". But the spirituality has never made sense to me.

I can follow meditation instructions, and I can see that my practice has given some concrete benefits (better emotion handling, less negativity, less boredom).

But I think of my practice as psychological self-improvement. I do not think of it as something "spiritual", because spirituality is nonsense to me. It is a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.

I know many people "resonate" with spiritual blabla and find meaning in it, but to me it is a bunch of non-statements.

Is this a common autistic thing?

Let me just start by saying that I absolutely am not doing that.

I have a good family that I've always enjoyed spending the holidays with. Our various holiday traditions are beginning to change as family size and locations have been changing over time and it's left me feeling rather sentimental. As a result, I contacted several family members to tell them how much their efforts over years of holidays have meant to me. Apparently this is too sappy and out of character for me and is the kind of thing someone often does before committing suicide. I now have several people asking if I'm "doing okay" and telling my father that they're "concerned" about my behavior.

I guess I'm glad people care about me, but it looks like there's another subject I need to study about NT society.

I've got a problem, a big problem. I cannot let things be. Whenever someone responds to my texts on Reddit or anywhere, I feel compelled to respond, even if it's an insult or an ad hominem message I cannot let it go until I've said something in response. And if and when they reply, I find myself spiraling deeper and deeper into that rabbit hole.

Sometimes I get myself out, but often times I just end up blocking them. It's exhausting and frustrating and I want to change.

What are some things that can help? One thing that I feel is behind this is I feel personally attacked, like someone punched me in the nuts or clubbed me over the head, and I feel like I need to fight back. What does that say about me? And how can I end this?

My sister has really bad ADHD, is possibly bipolar. She has had bad experiences with ritalin and refuses alternatives, so goes untreated. Her loud, rapid, frankly inane speaking patterns puts me into fight or flight mode. She also has a tendency to monopolize the conversation. We're both visiting my parents for the holidays. It's hard to get in a word edgewise in group settings with normal people. With her poor impulse control, its even more difficult. I'm not sure how to tell her to accommodate me.

It's doubly challenging because she makes false equivalences. I'm like "When you talk fast, loud, and interrupt people, I don't feel like talking at all." She responds, "well, I hate the sounds your mouth makes when you eat."

Fair enough that we both make sounds that annoy each other. But do I have to put up with it all day for something she has to put up with for maybe 20 minutes?

I think it also selfish of her. She lives a half hour away. I live 8 hours away. She gets 1 on one time with our parents any time she wants. Me, not so much.

I thought I'd made these points before, but it doesn't really get through to her. My mom seems to think this can be rectified by us sitting down with each other and having a talk. I have trouble seeing how this can be productive. I'm not going to get more tolerant of her and she's not going to stop her erratic yammering.

I'm losing my desire to speak. While I've experienced situations before where overstimulation has affected my ability to communicate, this feels different. The constant weight of not understanding "basic" social concepts and facing others' frustration has become overwhelming.

Simple interactions have become minefields. Recently:

"What should I do with your lemonade?" someone asked me. "It's not mine," I replied. My response frustrated them, though I'd simply stated the truth. It never occurred to me they were actually asking for guidance about what to do with the drink.

Another time, after repeatedly asking someone to avoid using metaphors: "That is not really the main potatoes is it?" they said. "What does potatoes have to do with this conversation?" I asked. Once again, my literal interpretation caused annoyance.

What's even more exhausting is being accused of "needing to be right" or "being argumentative" when I'm simply sharing relevant facts. When someone complains about vaccine side effects lasting months, and I explain the scientific research showing how vaccines clear from the system within weeks, I'm not trying to dismiss their experience – I'm sharing information I think is helpful to the conversation. I don't immediately recognize that they're seeking emotional support rather than facts. By the time I realize they wanted validation, not information, the damage is already done.

The pattern is relentless: I answer questions honestly and directly, only to discover people expected me to understand hidden implications or meanings I didn't grasp. People tell me I'm "not getting the implications" of conversations, but these implications are never explicitly stated. When I try to explain that my words mean exactly what I said – nothing more, nothing less – it only seems to increase their frustration.

While I've grown accustomed to people occasionally laughing at things I say, it's the constant frustration I cause in others that weighs heavily on me. I've tried to learn the social rules, studied the patterns, memorized the expected responses, but I keep missing what everyone calls "nuance." In a world where most people seem to instinctively understand these unwritten rules of communication, I feel like I'm constantly translating from a language no one taught me. I wish I could understand what seems so natural to everyone else.

I’m at a loss for what to do. The COVID lockdown and years of working from home have brought me so much comfort that I’ve lost my coping skills. Now that I’m back in the office and interacting with people more frequently, I’m constantly making mistakes.

Its just here you are autistic and that doesnt help me with anything. still I feel non functional . still I doubt everything. still I feel different. still I'm anxious. Still I feel tense. Still I feel not like myself . still is there a huge wall to life that I dont want do anything because whats the point. no interessts . I dont know man the hardest part is you cant tell anything because of it. And you cant differentiate unneccesseary thing from necesseary things

Mixed feelings. I resent some of those around me for not giving a shit and acting sadistic when they see me struggle. But. Also, I kind of forgive them because why would you hate the blind man for his blindness?

When in the future I get more of a hold on masking I’m thinking it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to try to date an average ignorant and maybe even slightly dismissive to an extent, neurotypical.

It’s like being a liberal in a very red county in a very red city in a very red state. You gotta lower your expectations to an extent.

A person here who likes you a lot might not even mock you, but if you don’t respond at least moderately like an NT would, they’re going to be disappointed and think “well that was a shame” and either be naturally turned off or continue their crush from afar and in a hopeful way wait for you to become a little more normal. So, yeah.

So many of the websites and information I hear everywhere always describe "special interests", hinting that it means being really engaged with a particular topic like it were a unique personality trait, and it's often framed as some sort of positive diversity and creative experience.

Compared with the DSM-5 and ICD-11, I find this so ambiguous and utterly meaningless. Interests and activities are considered restricted or preservative when the engagement of them is exclusive to almost anything else and significantly impairs functioning or causes distress. It really isn't just really liking a topic, as it's often portrayed. It is continuing to engage despite clear negative effects and distress.

My restricted interests to me never feel truly enjoyable or comforting once I have engaged with it to the point of there being little else of significance to learn or do. It just becomes something I have to do or become anxious and unable to be interested in something else, almost feels like a drug addiction, like something I need to maintain. As a whole, they certainly feel very unrewarding. And its highly frequent and preservative because it takes up the vast majority of my free time even when I want to or should do other things, I can't switch or stop.

I really want to engage in other, genuinely more interesting things which I otherwise find much more enjoyable but I can't, as it inevitably goes back to my restricted interest. The interesting things I have truly enjoyed in my life have never been my so called special interests. Then it cause social issues as well when it's something I divert discussions to constantly when I find the slightest opportunity that hints at its relevance, or when trying to become interested in something else, it just leads back into it.

This is why I find the diagnostic criteria descriptions resonate with me. They actually describe what I'm going through rather than through vague, apparently socially acceptable language, nor do they frame it in any positive sense.

It is a symptom I wish could be reduced, not merely accommodated by society as it impairs my functioning in many ways that have absolutely nothing to do with society.

So I got diagnosed early this year and since then I really try to understand myself, my life and also how I could make my life enjoyable.

As always, I read all the books I found about the topic. Especially I try to add routines I didn't have before to make my life a bit more easy. Unmasking is also a big topic I struggle with currently. In general, going to all of this is currently not easy. Instead of my life is getting more easy, I'm even more aware of myself which makes it sometimes even harder than before.

Now, it's not logical to assume people would respect your characteristics when you don't tell anyone. Therefore, I'm thinking all the time of telling people around me my condition. But I'm afraid of the situation itself. People expect an explanation of how I feel, how they can react to it or sometimes unfortunately even the "everyone is a bit autistic" nonsense. But I don't have an elevator pitch. It's just too much. It's like everything that happens in my life. Once, I started with "I have problems with handeling emotions" to old friends. But this is just one thing and not the whole story. Of course they can not understand me with this explanation, and the whole possible conversation with all it's possible outcomes now is everyday in my head since then. And it's driving me even more crazy.

Long text so far but I hope you can understand or relate to my situation. How do you handle this? It makes sense to tell other people but it feels so hard and nowadays I try to avoid it.

Thank you for reading this text.

I'm autistic but this last year I got a job. I work as a security guard in Texas. I dont get paid much but I still work regularly and I could get promoted next year. Two of my online friends are autistic and they're both unemployed. I know how hard it is for us to find jobs. I was thinking recently how I'd like to make enough money to rent some place and give them rooms. But also I see so many people here alone and desperate. I wish I could help all of you out. I'll probably never be that wealthy but if I had the money I would.

It is making me so angry and I find it very dismissive of what I experience every day. I tried to explain to them that many people with bowel cancer experience constipation, but that does not mean everyone with constipation “is a little bit cancerous” !!

I cannot explain how it feels to have my routine disrupted as they say “no one likes to have their plans change”.

Is it time to start limiting my interactions with them??

no real friends. depression. nobody likes or gives a shit about me like oh my god when will it fucking end.

why was i not made to enjoy life like everybody else?????

i get so bored quickly whenever i just scroll on social media. switching different apps back and forth all day long with no real friends watching strangers on the internet be happy and have fun while i’m just depressed and lonely

sorry for the rant i just need someone to hear me.

Hello fellow ND brains,

I'm sure you've seen some of my troubled posts the past few months. Things have been super challenging to say the least between divorce and the house we lived in getting flooded. For context I'm a 39yo straight white male. Just got divorced from a 3yr marriage / 10yr relationship.

Everything was finalized at the beginning of November, but honestly it has been the past week or two that I've noticed a bit of a change. I've been really, REALLY depressed. The past week has given me a renewed sense of optimism.

I don't drink, but there is a bar nearby that has a vibe I feel comfortable in and I've been hanging out later in the evenings trying to become a regular. I am definitely trying to talk to women, but also really happy to have found a reasonable third place within walking distance of where I live.

I have been extremely lonely and honestly the sexual desire has been a huge obstacle to happiness and contentment. It's hard to be level headed when you are horny and have no outlets.

The biggest change has been through therapy, specifically with developing some self compassion. Without going too much into it I just want to stress that if you cannot have compassion for yourself you will struggle to have it for others too. Loving yourself isn't about going easy or being soft... its about acceptance. Once you get over that awful peak of self doubt... the confidence it gives you is like wind at your back.

Anyway, I've been extremely lonely and now living on my own for three months now. At first I hated it, and to some degree I still do a little but I am becoming more at peace with my solitude. I like having my apartment however I want, I like being able to come and go whenever I please. Slowly but surely I am starting to regain some confidence and actually, legitimately enjoy my living situation.

So back to the bar regular thing, I've been having increasing success but I wanted to make this post to help people who may struggle like me understand the progression.

First it was just a matter of developing some report and familariaty with the bartenders. I didn't do anything special, in fact all I did really was go up to the bar and order a diet coke. Then I'd sit at the bar and fuck with my phone, watch the TV and generally observe what's going on in the bar.

A wild thing would happen. After the initial moment of me sitting there by myself feeling awkward... the crowd just kind of... forgets you are there? Soon other people are coming up to the bar to order drinks, and wait while the bartenders work. Some of these people will chat, some won't. Some will be men, some women.

It's a fantastic opportunity to be curious. Just talk to people, that's my REAL goal right now. I certainly have some loftier goals about getting dates or something more than that... but ultimately, and for the first time in a really long time I feel like I am doing SOMETHING that is moving the social needle in a way that it's been frozen for years.

Over the past week I've had positive interactions with several very attractive women. When these opportunities are rare and scarce it absolutely puts you in a mindset that sets you up for failure. You have to approach everything with less expectations. Just accept what comes and don't stress what doesn't.

Anyway, this week I have talked to or interacted with a few women that absolutely rung my bell. For the first time in a REALLY long time, I actually kind of have a feeling if not an understanding of what genuine interest looks like.

To be clear, I don't have any dates yet. I've achieved success through a combination of changing what my definition of success is and forcing myself to do some things that make me feel awkward / push me out of my comfort zone.

After a few days of hanging out at the bar, I'd made some more acquaintances and some of the bartenders will even bring me a diet coke without even asking! So cool. On the way home one night, I walked past another bar that was having karaoke. It was 1am... I could have walked home but I went up and hung out for a bit there.

I didn't intend on doing karaoke, but I talked myself into doing a song I knew well as a compromise for not attempting to talk to a girl the previous night at a dance club (remember forcing self out of comfort zone?)

Something pretty wild happened. Even though I struggled a little bit, I did fine and made it through my first song. And then I went up and did another and really enjoyed the experience. A few people at the bar even complimented me and we chatted about the half a beat delay that makes it challenging at this particular bar.

Now I see some of those people from the other bar at the place I go more regularly. People I've met at the place I enjoy have recognized me and chatted me up, someone was even suggesting we go to a different place this weekend.

The most exciting thing though? I could always be wrong but I think I actually got genuine, legit female interest.

Since I have been sitting at the bar more regularly, people felt comfortable around me. A girl I've never talked to sat at the other side of the bar, I noticed her but didn't really pay much attention. All of the sudden I notice her come up and sit next to me and order a glass of wine. I had about ten seconds of gripping terror before I forced myself to do the "next" challenge on my list which is trying to talk up not just people but beautiful women.

We started chatting, and she didn't walk away! I think one of the things I had in my favor is she was waiting for some friends to arrive. I asked her some questions about her passions, we had some shared interests. I relayed the karaoke story to her, she was talking about feeling the same embarrassment. I took this as an opportunity to tell her she should do it, and she seemed to enjoy my encouragement around singing.

The thing that I cannot stop thinking about... it's not a big deal. In fact I have to make sure I don't make it too big a deal because it will take me out of the positive and confident mindset that got her attention in the first place.

She reached out and touched me while we were talking. She had been giving good eye contact, we were facing towards each other. There was a LOT of nonverbal communication going and and I'm not sure if I did things well by accident or on purpose but compared to the other interactions I've had in the past, I feel incredibly positive and uplifted by this.

Eventually her friends arrived, she introduced them to me (!!!) and then she said nice chatting and they went off to hang in the other side of the bar.

The hardest part of this is just staying calm and cool. Don't chase, don't get freaked out that the positive interaction is ending. It's ok! You are laying the groundwork for future success. Even if it's not with her, you have no ideas what doors will open for you.

Tonight's rejection therapy is asking her out on a date, or at least asking for her phone number. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Nothing is for sure but I am excited a the opportunity to get turned down. Worst case she says no, best case I buy her a drink and we get to chat again. Worst worst case she just isn't there and this is where "don't get yourself too excited" becomes so, so SO important. It helps you be present and enjoyable for the people who ARE physically there with you in the moment.

I am the same person who was emotionally destroyed a few months ago... the difference is how I am framing my challenges and success conditions. Time helped a lot... I still randomly get emotionally overwhelmed and tear up thinking about my ex. We had a good life together, or at least I think we did. Eventually the tears of pain turn to tears of joy and appreciation for the special things we shared.

hi! i'm 26F but i was diagnosed last year. since then, i've been finding out that i have lots of uncommon demeanors and one of them is food selectivity. i dislike most of fruits and veggies, specially the red and purple ones that tend to fade it's just freakin disgusting for me! same happens with ice cream lol anyone here with the same feature?

Unless playing around with friends in the past counts, I have not officially joined a team, varsity, or sports club. Most notably regretting to not officially play soccer(I would have a very hard time getting over that now). I did almost initially join as a kid, but ended up being abnormally impatient with training and left, and made no subsequent. I also did only spent like one season with a karate class around 6th grade. I didn’t know much about Asperger’s back then or realized much potential in sports. It’s a lot to cope with now, but I gotta keep moving forward. How have you guys been around sports?

Ever since COVID hit, I feel like I’ve slowly lost the ability to mask. Before the pandemic, I was doing really well socially..... going out with friends to bars, doing karaoke, and even starting college at 24. I used to be able to observe people for a bit, figure out the vibe of the room, and then match the energy. It wasn’t always easy, but it was manageable.

Now, it’s like I don’t even have the energy to try. When I’m around people, all I can do is sit there in this sort of monotone state. It’s hard enough with family, but it’s even worse when strangers are involved. I feel like I’ve lost something I worked so hard to develop.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Hello there! I am happy to announce, that after more than ten years of self-doubt, suspicion and inability to get a proper assessment, I've decided to finally let go and accept myself as an autistic individual.

A bit of history

My first exposure to autism (or rather Asperger's syndrome) happened when I was 14, through a game called To the Moon. One of the characters in the game, River, is mentioned to have some kind of diagnosis at one point (through outside sources it was confirmed to be Asperger's syndrome), and playing the game, I couldn't help relating to her far more than to any other character. I'd say far more than to any other character in general, despite me being a guy and it probably being weird that I relate to an autistic lady.

I quickly found online questionnaire to self-diagnose Asperger's Syndrome, and got high score. I felt like it all just clicked, it seemed to explain many of my struggles, the feeling of being an alien and all that.

Then the doubts started. As I learned more about autism, as well as I could in that age (should probably mention, that I might also have dyslexia, or at least struggle to read, so I didn't research scientific materials properly), it started to appear that I do not fit 100%, despite generally feeling like I do. The thoughts that perhaps it's just me wanting some kind of attention started to consume me. In order to put all these doubts to rest, I started seeking a way to get a proper diagnosis.

I knew there was a department of psychology in our local university. So, on open doors day I went there and asked if they could assess me. The woman gave me a surprised glance and said "come in a couple of days". So I did, anxiously anticipating the moment of truth the whole time. When I came there next time, another woman came to me, and immediately said the following "No, I don't think you have Asperger's. It is a common experience to see conditions you read about in yourself, it happens a lot to medical students". It was a bit of a letdown, but I didn't argue. Now, years later, I realize that there were quite a few things wrong with her assessment:

1. She was a psychologist in a university of foreign languages, not psychiatrist, and not even in a med school (that one was probably on me, since back then I didn't know the difference between psychology and psychiatry);
2. She concluded that I don't have Asperger's from the first glance, she didn't ask me a single question;
3. It might be just me, but isn't it kind of a telling sign that a 14 year old kid researches topics like Asperger's syndrome? I know something similar often happens to med students, but I never was a med student.

Nevertheless, that short interaction convinced me that I am probably fooling myself. Things that lead me to believe I was autistic in the first place didn't disappear, however, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it's just my introversion, social awkwardness, and internal ableism that at times lead to self-loathing.

A few years later, out of curiosity, I've passed the autism test once again, and to my surprise, I still scored high. That started a loop of convincing myself that I was autistic, then brushing it off due to not being autistic enough, and some time later, passing another test. Usually my periods of "convincing myself" were me obsessively researching the topic, hardly thinking of anything else for extended periods of time.

I am in my late 20s now, and have passed countless tests over the years. I believe I might've passed every single test there is (I should probably mention that I did struggle understanding the questions, not because English isn't my first language, but because it's confusing. Only recently have I discovered that jumping over things probably doesn't mean literally jumping over things, like a rock or something. A year ago, still in doubts, I've decided to stop trying to understand questionable parts on my own and ask ChatGPT for clarifications, to make the test as accurate as possible, the results were the same though). Having a real life experience of moving away from my parents and working on quite a few jobs, retroactively opened my eyes on a log of my issues that I always brushed off as me being lazy or something. I realized, that I'm not actually lazy, and actually quite a hard worker. The problems with communication and mental distress that relations with my colleagues cause, are a huge problem that makes it nearly impossible for me to keep a job more than about 8 months, even if I actually like the job itself and my boss asking me to stay every time I announce my resignation. I've switched 8 jobs in a span of 2 years or so due to stress that would build up slowly over time with no way of relief. If anything, days off and vacations only made it worse due to the constant acknowledgment that I'll have to go back soon.

I've been unemployed due to a variety of outside and inside factors that I won't explain here. What's important, is that it allowed me to really look into myself and analyze my life more than ever before. I've spent a lot of time in this sub and in some other autistic communities, which allowed me to really see what autism really looks like, not in media, but in real life. And though there were a few points of disconnect that raise my doubts even now, I feel relatable to so many posts here, it's really ridiculous.

The only thing that kept me from proudly claiming that I am self-diagnosed and not just suspicious is the stigma both in society and in my mind against being self-diagnosed. But lovely people in this community, on YouTube and on Tumblr, along with some real research, have convinced me that self-diagnosis is nowhere near as invalid as it is claimed to be, especially in a case similar to mine, when you spend years boiling with the idea and still come back to it despite everything.

Sadly, my closed ones, including close friend, girlfriend and parents don't believe I'm actually autistic and claim I'm probably just too self-conscious or something. It stings a little, but I hope I can live with it. I must admit though, quite a few of my other friends, who known me for years and have at least some understanding of ASD (either because they know someone diagnosed or were curious themselves and dove into the topic) said that I am most certainly autistic.

This is where I stand now. I do want to get an official diagnosis, but due to reasons outside of my control, it is impossible at the moment and won't be possible for quite some time. Other than tests, I've discussed this topic with ChatGPT, giving it a comprehensive amount of data on me, even asked it to be critical, and it still said that there's strong possibility of me having ASD. I've also made my own chatbot on roleplay platform, that was supposed to assess me, and to my surprise, it actually did. That last one was more of a silly fun thing to do than anything else though.

Hope my life's journey in relation of autism wasn't too long and boring to read. Bellow I plan to add a categorized list of things and behaviors that were deemed weird by others, that either make me think I have autism or could be explained by me having autism. Feel free to skip this part, as I'm adding it more for the self-reference than anything else, and plan to update it in the future in case I notice something new.

Category A: Persistent Deficits in Social Communication and Interaction

1. Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

• Difficulty engaging in conversations and connecting with people. I can communicate with one person, even though it's usually draining, but communicating with more than one person at a time, even if we are all good friends, usually turns into me becoming passive listener that tags along, due to inability to follow up and get into the conversation (often even if I try to get into the conversation, I am unheard due to my naturally quiet voice. Sometimes I almost scream to get into it, but it makes me feel awkward, so I generally don't do it).
• I struggle to understand jokes and sarcasm. Here are an example: a mother of my girlfriend was talking to her husband, who's only home on weekends. It was on Monday, she he just left. She asked him where's the beer that was in the fridge (there was a lot of beer), and he told her that it got spoiled, so he threw it away. My eyes were wide with shock, I didn't know beer can spoil. Out of all people there (my girlfriend, her mother and I), I was the only one who didn't understand it was a joke. My sincere shock caused a lot of laughter too.
• Long pauses during speech, due to me struggling to consistently come up with what to say next, even if I have a general outline in my head.
• History of relying on online interactions to connect socially but finding this increasingly impossible. Due to finding it hard to have a verbal conversation, I prefer text chatting, which if often much easier and so much more enjoyable.
• Awareness of being socially awkward and possibly avoiding social interactions due to fear or difficulty. During my teens I was a lonely kid and rarely experienced good social interactions. I did crave them, but concluded I probably need better friends for it to feel good (my school friends weren't the best ones to say the list and often contributed to me feeling lonely and isolated). I later realized that I am actually much more comfortable on my own, even if people around me supportive and all that. Any meaningful interaction is draining and though I don't mind it occasionally, I am okay with it much less often than my friends would like to.

2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors

• I am often perceived as emotionless, especially in childhood. Parents told me I usually had a neutral face expression and having me smile or laugh was a rare occasion.
• When I was a kid, people often told me that I speak in monotone voice, which added to that perception of me being emotionless.
• I believe I am better at it now, but one of my few IRL friends often jokingly calls me a bioroobt, I suspect for that exact reason.

3. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships

• This one mostly concerns my jobs. I could never find friendship, or even good relationship in any of the jobs I had. I could never really fit in into any group, be it school, university, or work environment, always being that weird kid with no friends. It was especially noticable in the university, where I only talked to a guy who was considered even more of an outsider than I am (I believe he had some significant issues, which made him look weird or even dangerous, but we got along alright actually). I don't think I was considered weird, but when this guy wasn't present, I was usually sitting alone, not talking to anyone, and didn't make a single friend during my time there.

Category B: Restricted, Repetitive Patterns of Behavior, Interests, or Activities

1. Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech

• Sometimes, especially when I research something obsessively, I jerk my leg, without even noticing it. I've started noticing it in humorous situations lately, when I read about autism and it talks about stimming, only to realize I've been stimming in that exact moment.
• Sometimes, I feel the need to rub and pinch my eyelids and eyebrows. I used to do it a lot in school, some other kids even called me names for that. I don't know why I do that, it isn't pleasant, but if I stop in those moments I feel restless and even distressed a little.
• When I'm tired, I often close my left eye and look at the screen with only my right eye. It somehow makes it easier to focus.
• I've heard scripting might also fit here. When I worked in retail, I used to say "Thank you, come again please" to our customers when they bought something. But I also accidentally said that when I bought something in other places, instead of just "thank you". Other than that, I often feel an urge to quote different movies, memes and so on, even if it's probably not very appropriate (I taught my girlfriend on what Gachimuchi is, for her to better understand my references). Not sure if it's really a good point, but I'll leave it here for now.
• I only enjoy reading on Nintendo DS and from tiny books. I have a collection Shakespeare works in form of tiny books, roughly the size of PSP Go, or half the size of Nintendo DS. Not sure if it could be considered a stim, but I've decided to put it here just in case.
• Occasionally I like to hum a couple of notes, especially if I'm busy with something. It's not even close to a melody, it's just a couple of notes (if you played Demon Souls on PS3, you might remember in Prison of Hope, one of the prisoners was singing two notes over and over, my humming is similar to that, though I started doing it long before I ever had a chance to play Demon Souls)

2. Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns

• This one isn't exactly clear to me yet, but now that I have a lot of free time, I realized that I can't do anything without a schedule. In the morning I practice Japanese, and if I miss my morning practice, I will struggle to do it during the whole day and won't get anything else done, feeling terrible about myself. It happens every time.
• When I'm absorbed in something (like now), it's hard to stop even for just a moment to go to the restroom. Not sure how severe it is, but I know that feeling when you're really on the brink and have to run, because you were putting it up for later for far too long.
• I generally like following the same pattern everyday and sameness doesn't really bother me all that much, unless I am forced to do something that causes me distress (like work or spend significant time interacting with people).
• I have a unique approach in engaging with stuff. For instance, music (which will be explained bellow), games, movies, books and so on. If I am interested in a new piece of media as part of a long-running franchise, I will always engage with earlier works first and build my way up title by title in chronological order. In school I got interested in Doctor Who, I watched the teaser trailer for the Day of the Doctor, which is 50 year anniversary special and thought it was the coolest thing ever. Despite being interested primarily in the modern Doctor Who (just for reference, the series was cancelled in the 80s and soft-rebooted in 2005), I've forbidden myself from watching it before I'm finished with classic series that was being released from early 60 in black and white, which I now realize a very weird thing to do for a 15 year old. Similarly, when I got interested in the Legend of Zelda, I didn't go straight to Ocarina of Time or Wind Waker, but started with the original, its sequel and Gameboy games. Same thing with Mario, Resident Evil, Silent Hill and so on. Similarly, I prefer watching original classical movies, before watching the remakes. For instance, I watched original Ocean's 11 when I was 12.
• Similarly to what I've described above, I prefer taking apart dishes and eating it separately. For instance, I have a drumstick, mushed potatoes and some salad on my plate: I will first eat mushed potatoes, then salad and then drumstick. I only noticed it and realized it might not be considered normal, when my girlfriend pointed it out to me.

3. Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus

This one was hard for me to figure out, as I never viewed my interests as "special interests", but with some help from ChatGPT, I think I found a few. These aren't just my hobbies, but things that I persistently enjoy doing over long periods of time, that I can talk about for hours and that generally give me positive emotions, even if they take away too much time that gets in a way of routines (like now with me skipping my Japanese to write this text (I've been writing it for 2 hours now)).

• Autism. As evident from this post, both from my life journey and the fact I wrote it at all in the way I wrote it. I find joy in discussing it, in researching it and all that.
• Gaming. I wasn't sure this qualifies as a special interest until I recalled my early childhood experience. I wasn't a very talkative kid, but if you wanted to talk to me about games, I could talk for hours, feeling deep joy. I still enjoy it and have a private collection of articles I wrote when I had something to say about games I've recently finished.
• Music. I always had an opinion that no one like music the way I like it. Almost all of the people I ever knew viewed music as a more of a pleasant background noise. Meanwhile I often find myself listening to music alone, without getting distracted. I can sometimes go into a YouTube rabbit hole of listening to old but great songs, which can often get in a way of my sleep. I also have a varied taste in music. Whenever I like a song or two from one author, I download their whole discography and listen to all of their albums one by one in order of release. I believe it's the only right way of experiencing music. More than a half of my hard drive is filled with music.
• Handhelds. I've decided to put it into a separate category from games, because it's not so much about games as about the devices itself. Lately I rarely play my Nintendo DS, but I use it to read books and find it amazing on its own, even without games. Different handhelds from the past fascinate me, be it Wonderswan, classic GameBoy, PSP, PS Vita, 3DS, or even not a gaming device at all, but a portable computer, both old and new (like GPD Pocket - my dream machine). I have a small collection of handheld devices and at one point had a real rarity in our parts: a LG enV2. The phone didn't work in our parts, but it was such a cool curiosity, I still used it as a tiny typewriter for short notes.
• ChatGPT also suggested strong engagement in specific communities like this one. I believe it should reinforce the idea of it being a special interest, though I'm not sure.
• I have some unusual sexual kinks and can talk about them for hours, even when removed from sexual context. I didn't think of adding it initially, but not too long ago, when discussing the possibility of me being an extrovert as opposed to introvert (I am and always was an introvert), she mentioned that I can talk for hours about topics that interest me, including this kink. So I realized it might be a special interest for me, actually. I enjoy discussing it both form kinky perspective, as well as philosophical and practical, and I'm not sure which I like most.

4. Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment

• Discomfort at certain sounds. It's not something severe, I don't think I've ever been overstimulated to the point of significant distress. But I don't like high-pitched noises. When my dogs are playing with whistling toys, I can't focus on studies. I never use whistle on kettle, and manually judge when it's boiling. I turn of microwave oven a second before it goes off. I can't focus on much of anything (aside from special interests mentioned above) if there's popular music playing in other room, or my girlfriend watches TikToks (loud enough for me to hear) or hums along to a song in her headphones (or even listens to a song loud enough for me to hear despite her wearing headphones) next to me. Though good headphones help with that.
• I either can't or feel deeply uncomfortable eating certain foods. My body rejects salt-cured pork fat (a common dish in Ukraine) in the most intolerant way, though everyone else seems to enjoy it. I can't tolerate zucchini or eggplants in any form, be it pickled, fried, boiled or any other way. Whenever I even try to put it in my mouth, it causes me to spit it out due to vomit convulsions. I am slightly more tolerant towards onions, but I still find them deeply uncomfortable and pick them out whenever I can. When I have a meal with lots of fried onions, I usually leave like half or a third of it, due to the amount of onions left there makes it impossible to take them out. When I was young, I would often get stuck with different dishes, sometimes poking it for an hour at least with a fork, forcing it into me, before gathering the courage to ask parents to not eat it.
• Temperature sensitivity. I am much worse at tolerating heat than anyone I know and it also makes it hard for me to sleep in summer.
• Smell sensitivity: certain food, chemical and even perfume smells make me deeply uncomfortable, close to making me vomit, causing me to hold my breath until I can get out of the smell cloud.
• I cannot tolerate anything on my skin. No creams, lipsticks, or anything else that you're supposed to hold for a long time, it makes me uncomfortable enough to endure dry skin and lips (which often causes small tears on my lips to appear) in winter.
• I cannot read anything, if there's a significant movement in the periphery of my vision. If there's a non-stop playing gif under a post, I either have to cover it with my hand or scroll it out of the screen, before I can read the post. Similarly, I stop mid-word when reading a book and there's some movement on the background.
• Certain types of fabric irritate my skin without causing rashes or anything like that, though it's rare and I'd say probably not all that significant, so I'm not sure if it's really related.
• I am hypersensitive to caffeine. If I drink a cup of coffee later than 3PM, I won't be able to sleep in next 12 hours at least.
• I don't like being drunk and generally don't understand the appeal of being drunk.

I thought of adding some tendencies that I find unique and might be explained by autism, but couldn't think in which category to put it, but decided to not, as there's a high chance of my quirks being irrelevant to ASD. It's probably important to note a few points that always made me think I probably don't have ASD though. Here they are:

• I never experienced a meltdown. At least I think I haven't. I was considered a crybaby in my early childhood, and parents later told me that even a stern look at me could easily make me cry. But when I've read of experiences of other autistic adults with meltdowns, it seems so much more severe than anything I've ever experienced. I think, the only time I've experienced something similar is when overwhelmed by emotions: a death of loved one (caused me to cry most of the day for a month or two), a breakup (when I tried to breakup with my girlfriend, it caused me to cry to the point where it was hard to talk) and so on. It's hard to tell if that's it, since I don't fully understand what meltdown actually means (English is not my first language and though I am really good at it, I might be not good enough for that), and definitions don't help either. Somehow, when discussing meltdowns everyone here, in autistic community, seems to just understand what it means.
• Similarly, I don't think I've ever experienced shutdowns. I understand shutdowns as periods of muteness, inability to do much of anything and so on. I'm not sure if it's actually it. The closest thing I've felt is low energy periods. I could still talk, could still do the chores, but struggled to follow my routine even, and wanted to not think of anything hard. When I notice such period, I would usually play games or something, feeling bad for not following my usual routine of learning.
• I don't recall struggling with eye contact. When I'm conscious about it, I can look the person I'm talking to in the eyes. But only when they are talking, for some reason when I'm talking, I can't focus on looking them in the eye, instead looking elsewhere. I vividly remember my parents asking me to look them in the eye and me, not understanding how to look at both eyes simultaneously (I now can do it, by the way), looked between the eyes instead. When I worked in a small phone shop, I noted quite a few instances, when a person would come to the store, I saw them in the corner of my eyes, we started talking, discussed something, and only then I looked at their faces, realizing it took me so long to do it. So I might have some problems with I contact, but I don't think it qualifies.

If you've come this far, thank you for your time! If you have any thoughts, any at all, please leave a comment. Do you think some things I've described are irrelevant? Have thoughts on meltdowns, shutdowns and eye-contact? Please, share them!

does any one have a free ebook of this?

I've had that time in my life... unfortunately my family revealed itself to be universally awful in the kinds of ways that cut all ties. But before that happened I knew the struggle. And it's that time of year where you want to see people, want to let them know you love them and care, but also spend a week dreading the entire event and knowing it will take you a month just to return your energy stores to normal.

So cheers to all of you who did that this year. It's not easy. And nobody understands at all.

I found this article which perfectly described my experience with drugs. It's so on point.

I actually feel very understood by it instead of conflicted. I thought I would share it here and that some of you who struggle with drug use might find it a good read.

My behavioural picture painted with crazy accuracy.

Autism --> Mental issues --> Drug use --> Drugs special interest etc.

Please read it, it's not long and am looking forward to your discussions.

Also, do I have to classify this as NSFW?

https://www.attwoodandgarnettevents.com/blogs/news/autism-and-substance-addiction

Every once in a while I suddenly get thoughts that jump from one topic to another in my head. It goes so fast that I can't even comprehend what I just thought. It gets to the point my head feels like it will explode, and I need to scream in a pillow. This only started with in the last year. I can't figure out if it's autistim or ADHD. I asked my therapist but she looked like I have no idea what you're talking about. She never gave me a real answer. Does anyone deal with something similar to this? If you do, do you know how to control it or deal with it?

I've heard this is a suspected cause for a lot of conditions like ADD and autism. So I was just wondering how many people know for a fact they do or don't have that in their pre-birth to toddler years.