TWW: FRESH CVT AND BLADE MENTIONS

So a minute ago i was cutting and feeling invalid because i wasn't going "deep enough" when i was going down to styros, but then i remembered two weeks ago when those stupid new blades hadn't come and the most i could do was epidermis. Do not go deeper trust me its so horribly addictive i cannot bear going a day without cutting to styros its so bad

They saw them by accident and it was the deepest I've ever cut because I was using a different tool. They looked really upset and they kept checking in on me to see if I was ok. I tried doing it a little bit afterwards but I felt too bad thinking about them that I couldn't really do it. I want to now. Life has been stressful and I guess this is a way to show that I haven't been doing so great. This is basically the first time I've been sober like this. It feels weird but I'm trying and I think that's something somewhat.

I am healed and I only have scars now.

Honestly, it gets easier. I got better at handling urges and my emotions. I can handle my triggers now. I am also no longer ashamed of my scars. That's all. Thank you.

I was having a really bad urges but I kinda forgot I set an alarm to take my meds. My alarm is a really cursed mouthwashing fan song "a captain's curse" and it blasted on full freaking volume so I just sat here ready to cut on one second and dying laughing on the next. I was laughing so hard it actually made me stop, just take my meds and go to sleep😭🙏🏻

Also I'm two weeks clean thanks to this freaky ahh song yay

guys, i was out w a family member and he caught them and asked me what they were, i mean, i just said it's nothing and he asked in a more serious tone, it was obvious it was sh, but i just ignored it and then i literally just left, i mean i had to go to work but is straight up left, i don't live with him, but what should i do, this the first time someone saw them, the next time i see him it's going to be so awkward, advice or help? I started to cut more on other areas and less on my arms, but just so happen he saw those on my arms ugh, i feel like any second imma have a text which goes like " we need to have a talk" i fuckint hate it gosh

edit: i think the main feeling is disappointment, like i let someone down big time and that they are going to be mad at me forever,,,

edit 2: i feel like throwing up omg,,

I mean I have a condition and I have pills for it but for the past few days I don't take enough and I've stopped taking them so I am in pain and I'm not sure if the condition can kill me, it might do though, but I'm intentionally not taking the pills and I'm happy about it

..my mom found out about my s.h
and i think its only made me feel worse.
the day she found out, she kind of freaked out and then hugged me. i thought she understood, but barely thirty minutes after, she went to go thru my phone.

the day after, she took me to the shore to talk. when i was hesitant to talk about it (i hide most things, down to my basic interests, for as long as i can remember. ive always been the 'happy, silly' kid, i dont open up) she threatened to go thru all my things and keep me from going to my dads house & theater, some of the only places i find peace

she told people after promising not to, like my dad and my doctor, to my knowledge atleast but im scared she told other people besides that, she has a habit. she also showed my therapist my cuts without my permission.

and soon, she did body checks, usually while i was in the shower. so, showering no longer became peaceful for me, a place to wash off the toils of the day, but now a time where im laid bare and proded at, an examination on if im acting like a 'normal' person or not. and she makes comments. when i cover my boobs in the shower during these body checks, she says "dont do that, ive seen that body of urs b4, i made it, dont be shy" and when i look uncomfortable she goes "dont act like that. im not the one who did this little joke. i try to take short showers nowadays, or none at all when i cant find a time shes busy.

and a few times, she called my self harm me 'lashing out' or being a bad kid. im not a bad kid, honest. i try my best to be good and funny and nice and im sorru im suffering and all i nneed is a bit of understanding and i know its wrong and that your my mom and i should value your feelings too but this 'recovery' feels more liek its about this poor mom with a stupid kid who cuts themselves then about the kid who cuts themselves

i know adults know better. i know i cant get mad. i know im supposed to follow what they say. i know even if i tried to get upset, i would be shot down and never taken seriously. i know its wrong of me to not trust her. i know its bad i trust my friend more.

sorry for the long rant

I don’t want to get better I want to get so much worse and I know I shouldn’t but I want to get so bad that someone finds out and I have to go to hospital and I don’t have to explain anything because it’s past that point and I just want it to get so bad but I know it’s wrong

Yeah a relapse not so long ago after 3 fucking years clean and now it's worse than before lmao

Just sat down in some corner in the train station where people rarely pass by. Been just sitting here for hours. It's a Sunday so I can't go to any bathroom anywhere to make myself throw up or to cut myself. I only do it when nobody is around. Nothing makes me happy anymore except this kinda stuff. Idk what to do. My therapist and I don't see each other super frequently because we're together mostly for my eating disorder and apparently there's a huge demand for therapy in that domain so yeah.

It feels so demotivating to have stopped and been clean for so long and then to do it in such a grotesque way. I'm ashamed.

I had a dream tonight about me cutting myself. It was exactly how I’d normally do the process as well. Is this normal? Or is it a sign I’m losing it?

So as the title says, yesterday I couldn't bare it anymore and broke my 2 years streak of not sh. Now I realise that my family invited me and my husband to a vacation on the beach, so naturally we're gonna go into the sea and the pool. One of the cuts was kind of deep (you could see like white and it looked open, I have a patch on it rn) and I'm worried it will get infected or something. I don't worry about my family seeing, my mother and brother know, and I will be wearing swimming trunks anyways, all that I worry about is that the pool or the sea will give me an infection. Or do you guys think it would be closed by then and have nothing to worry about?

Hello everyone...I started harming myself when I was bullied in my schl I usually used to harm where my people around me cant see it but once I was soo stressed I jus scratched my wrist with safety pin a lots of time in one place..that was really bad and I think it has left a permanent mark..n after that also something happened n I still have those marks...but after that I stopped hurting myself with help of someone they really helped me a lot and after that whenever I felt like hurting myself I Suck my arm or something really hard but sometimes the urge gets too high and i feel like i wanna renew the marks on my body..I have been through somethings which aren't leaving my mind and sometimes when they get triggered...The urge really gets uncontrollable..I don't know what to do. Can u guys pls suggest me something?

mine has always been my left forearm, it's absolutely covered in scars, not even half an inch without one. many overlapping to the point you probably cant make out where i don't have a scar, it even wraps all the way around. it just sucks because i love to wear t-shirts and tank tops since i cant handle heat at all. normally i wouldn't care what people think because i wear bandages when i relapse on my arm but idk if my mom will send me back to the hospital if i keep on openly relapsing. last time i tried on my thighs, still covered but not all the way around and as much as my arm, i ended up doing 5 cat scratches and just giving up (and last time i did my arm i made multiple styros) so i was pretty upset about that. anyone have areas that they prefer? i have only done my arms, thighs, right side of my lower left leg, and a couple on my upper left arm but nothing has clicked like my arm does.

Okay so I'm fucking sick of my life and all i want is to fuck it up more than it already is. I have done lost everything this year and I'm planning to js kms on new years or jan so before I leave for good, i need someone to come into my life and mentally kill whatever's left inside of me..if ur interested in ruining my life then my dms are open. Make me attached and then vanish, atleast that's what they all did and my god i can't help but feel like I'm dying in despair so why not go through this feeling again? Lol

I hate the way I look. I get called ugly and fat on the daily by my family. Again and again I’m mistreated by my own people. I want to leave this world . I hurt myself multiple times throughout the day. I cut will I bleed. I scrape till I break skin and see red flesh. My right arm covered in scars and my thighs covered in fresh and old wounds.

i've been so anxious over everything, and my urges were getting stronger so i just gave in hoping it would get rid of my urges. i'm thinking about it all the time. i can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me nuts. i wish i never made that mistake. three and a half years down the drain. god i'm so disappointed in myself

Hi everyone unfortunately I've found myself SH worse then I ever have before and I realized I don't even do it when I'm sad I just do it when i can but it makes me happy and idk why, like I know realistically I shouldn't feel good about it but I do and I'm not really sure what to do, is this normal? Don't people usually SH because they are sad not because it makes them happy?

I don't see the point in trying to stay clean right now. I've done all of my usual coping skills but nothing is helping. I don't see a reason in fighting this

Edit: Sorry if there are grammatical errors or if it doesn’t make sense, I’m tired to bits

I cannot fucking believe myself. It’s my birthday, and I get the best gift: to see my friends who live 4+ hours away. I should be happy, so why the fuck did I bring a blade with me? Why am I so desperate to hurt myself that I bring blades everywhere with me? School, vacations, even on little walks around the neighbourhood.

I’m scared because I can feel the urge to cut myself in my friend’s bathroom. Just to hide and go deeper in my skin, and I don’t know what to do. I’m six days clean, almost a week, and I really don’t even feel anything anymore. The only thing I can feel is the blood pumping through the veins in my wrists. The scratches/scabs from the last time I cut are still there, but fainter. I feel a need to make them deep enough that they scar.

I feel stupidly selfish, especially since I (platonically) love my friends. I’m specifically at my friend, let’s call them Syrup (NB) (because they like syrup). My skin is so fucking itchy, it feels like there’s maggots underneath and I need to tear them out. I just don’t feel anything, not on this medication. I feel numb and dull. I cannot appreciate my friends enough, and it makes me feel like a horrible friend to them all.

I’m just sitting here, watching them play a game on their computer with our mutual they called on discord. I can’t do much else, I’ve counted the amount of plushies in their room. I feel so dumb and bad, because they’re really amazing. They know I struggle with SH and horrible depression, and I really don’t want them to worry. I’m scared and don’t know what to do.

Why am I so selfish? I don’t fucking know anymore

Does anyone else start shaking visibly and uncontrollably when thinking about self harming? Is there any reason for this because it's really annoying

I'm going on a trip with family and am gonna be in a car for 2-3 hours, and really want to sh. I'm already covered in cuts, so maybe picking scabs? But there is no way I am able to sit in a car without anything but my phone.

i'm scared of being honest with therapists because i'm really awkward and i hate talking. but i think i need help. i'm think i'm losing pain reception? so i'm cutting deeper than ever before and it barely even hurts. i don't want to die, i'm just trying to cope but i'm scared it might get infected or i lose too much blood.

Recently I got a bit emotional again by overthinking about life and past situations I ended up cut myself on a really visible part of my body, my forearms. I haven’t covered them up too much because it will be suspicious as it’s summer where I am so I just try to angle my arm away from view but I can tell it’s still very visible to people. It has been five days now since I did it but not once did someone point them out they didn’t even seem to notice or atleast care. This makes me feel worse about myself because this proves that either people don’t care about me and barely notice me or that they don’t care enough about me to ask or point it out, they considered replaceable. Thinking that is probably going to make me cut myself more and I hate it.