r/stepparents • u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all • 21h ago
Vent I’m still angry
Posted here a couple of days ago about how DH invited SD and SS over to our house (separately, because these kids hate each other other) for half of my break from work without asking me and deleted it, because I thought I should just get over it. SD is leaving the house today to go back to her Mom’s, and I figured SS was supposed to come over this evening/tomorrow. Come to find out that SS is due to come over tomorrow and the day after, leaving me three whole days of no kids. On a 12 day break from work.
DH seems to think that everything is fine, I’ve been playing well with SD and I told him that he’s welcome to bring SS as he’s already invited him (and just ignored me) so it would be rude to SS to take that back.
I’m a door mat. Spent this whole time with SD cleaning up after them both and fuck me, I guess I should have said no to SS but then I’m the bad guy. Again.
John and Julie Gottman talk about resentment being one of the four horsemen heralding divorce. Wonder how many years I’ll be putting up with DH just making plans with his bratty kids before it gets too much.
•
u/katmcflame 21h ago
Reformed doormat here. Nothing changes until you change yourself. So, step back. Do your own thing. Make arrangements to travel/ be busy elsewhere. Leave your SO to handle his kids & their mess.
•
u/regretinlife 21h ago
I get that It'sa good solution, but what is the point of a relationship like this? When my SO has his son and we can't do anything together I wonder, what do I get from this? I'm not trying to be rude, I just want to know your point of view. Thank you
•
u/seethembreak 18h ago
Everyone has responsibilities that get in the way of their relationships, social time, and hobbies. I look at my SK the same as my husband’s job. It’s something he has to take care of and then we’ll have our family/couple time. Of course, that family/couple time is also something that my husband prioritizes.
•
u/katmcflame 15h ago
IMO, it serves multiple purposes. OP gets to work on herself a bit, focusing on building up her life as an individual, while creating space for her SO to fully be responsible for his kids & hopefully miss her. This worked for me, & we're still married. My H got to be uncomfortable - worn out from parenting his kids & cleaning up after them, watching me out having fun while he was alone. Even if OP eventually decides to end things, she'll have already invested in herself & likely improved her self-esteem.
So many step relationships are out of balance, with the SP doing too much & their partner doing too little. Recalibration means stepping back into our lane, knowing it's for the greater good. And if our partners don't step up, well that's on them & we can move on with a clear conscience.
•
u/poisonivy-29 20h ago
Just a question for you, not trying to be rude, why does one HAVE to do things with the SKs to define a relationship worthwhile? I don't. Happily married, living apart together over here. I'm a former SK myself and would've given ANYTHING to have my BP to myself when I visited.
•
u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all 17h ago
That kind of gives me hope. I’ve always been afraid of being the “evil, selfish stepmom” (BM loves to portray me as much) but if there’s a possibility SKs would prefer just time with Dad, maybe I wouldn’t be as bad of a person as I’m afraid of.
•
u/seethembreak 15h ago
No offense to you, but why wouldn’t they prefer that?
•
u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all 15h ago
No offense taken! I honestly don’t have a good answer. DH always made it seem like they valued having me around, loved me, etc. I guess I believed him. Now… 🤷♀️
•
u/katmcflame 13h ago
The simple truth is, everyone in steplife has their own agenda. Our partners, their exes, the kids - they all want things to be a certain way that benefits them. This is why we can’t blindly rely on our partners’ perceptions. Believe in YOURSELF, OP. Trust your gut & put yourself first - because nobody else will.
•
u/LiveGarbage5758 17h ago
Difference is a spouse has the right to have their spouse to themselves sometimes. I don’t think kids really have that right. The kids are the ones that are supposed to learn to act independently and have their own life and their own motivations for succeeding
•
u/niki2184 15h ago
Kids do have a right to have their parents to themselves sometimes what???? Even bio parents who are together spend one on one time with their kids.
•
u/LiveGarbage5758 13h ago
They’re not entitled to it at the expense of the spouse is what I’m Saying
•
u/darlingbaby88 20h ago
Yall both make good points. Both individuals would need to reform themselves and then work on the relationship reformation together. Otherwise, it will continue to be one sided. OP would go from being angry to being sad and lonely. Neither are good.
•
u/bbbstep 17h ago
I agree- I made that choice and I wish someone told me to not have to be “the good wife” when I am being treated like the “ glorified nanny”. I look back on the 17 years and ask myself why I CHOSE to lose myself.
•
u/authorarchangelwood 17h ago
I’m glad I stopped this at four years into my blended relationship. I have lost enough of myself at this point to continue to over-give any longer.
•
u/LiveGarbage5758 17h ago
So to be happy in her relationship she has to be alone? That’s not good
•
u/katmcflame 15h ago
She doesn't have to be alone. OP can fill her spare time up with new hobbies, friends, classes - whatever SHE enjoys. She can enjoy life instead of suffering for other people's mistakes. This is what I did. I let the marriage drift for a bit & prioritized myself for a change. Without me around always smoothing things along, my H got to experience the full effect of his greedy kids & the space to miss me. He had to find his own rock bottom, & I needed to get out of the way for that to happen.
•
•
u/Arethekidsallright 14h ago
I think the ability to be comfortable with being alone for periods of time is extremely important. Especially in situations like OP's. So many people in this sub don't get out when they should because they are afraid of being alone. It can be empowering. It helps solidify identity.
As for the relationship, perhaps periods of time when OP is gone will inspire a newfound appreciation of her in her SO. Or, it will provide much-needed clarity about whether they should be together.
•
u/LiveGarbage5758 13h ago
You literally get married to have a partner - to not be alone. If someone has to leave you alone to appease their child they shouldn’t Be remarrying
•
u/Arethekidsallright 13h ago
Perhaps we're not talking about the same magnitude. I don't mean consistently spending time apart where you reconnect every once in a while. But an evening here, a day there, perhaps a weekend, is healthy. Needing to be constantly in the other's near orbit isn't a healthy relationship. It's codependency.
•
u/all_out_of_usernames 8h ago
That doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. If that were the case, introverts would never get married! 😃
•
u/notsohappydaze 20h ago
He's entitled to spend time with whomever he wishes. He's not entitled to foist whomever on to you.
Don't clean up after them, cook for them, shop for them, or entertain them!
Go to the cinema, the theatre, the museum, surfing, the beach (can you tell I live somewhere hot?), the library.
Go out for morning tea. Meet someone for lunch. Have fun ✨️
•
u/T-nightgirl 21h ago
So why do it? I mean really, why? Go hang out with friends or visit family - shop - get a pedi, whatever - you don't need to sit around and clean up after them. So many times as women we jump into that role instinctively and maybe it's up to us to help change that mentality. Let them fend for themselves. You are not his maid.
•
u/Key_Charity9484 21h ago
It sounds like it’s already too much. There’s no incentive for him to change if you are always going to be his safety net. Stop being that, but tell him first so that he UNDERSTANDS what you are doing and why! If you just stop and the kids “suffer “ in some way, you could guilt yourself backwards! If he knows then the responsibility is on him and you don’t have to feel guilt, only pity for a man that can’t take care of his own kids.
•
u/No_Intention_3565 18h ago
You cleaning up after your SKs or SD was a choice.
Also, you are off. Enjoy that time. Stay home and do your own thing.
Go out and enjoy life.
Just because his kids are there....doesn't mean your schedule should change. Sleep in. Eat brunch out. Late lunches. Enjoy your life.
•
u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all 18h ago
1000%. And this morning, I decided to choose not to. The house is a wreck and I’m going to leave it that way.
You’re absolutely right.
•
•
u/CicadaJazzlike8856 21h ago
Can you just leave and do your own thing while they’re there?
•
u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all 21h ago
Because I did last year and it “really hurt” to have me gone during Christmas. 🙄
He says having family over is important to him, and that I told him years ago that I’d never ask him to choose me or the kids. Dramatic much? Basic fucking consideration of my time isn’t asking him to “choose”, it’s asking him to acknowledge me as his partner.
Guess who’s booking a vacation for this week next year solo?
•
u/Coollogin 18h ago
Because I did last year and it “really hurt” to have me gone during Christmas. 🙄
Tell him, "It really hurt when you robbed me of my precious break time. Now that I know I cannot trust you with my feelings, I am taking matters into my own hands."
•
u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all 18h ago
I’m waiting for SD to leave and a conversation is going to happen. Honestly something I’d rather not be doing but here we are.
•
u/CicadaJazzlike8856 21h ago
Good for you!! I love that idea! My partner has also tried to pull the emotional strings. It has been up to me to learn to keep my boundaries strong and learn to communicate and take the risk of upsetting him/them in order to create peace in my life.
•
u/CicadaJazzlike8856 21h ago
Yes, sure it really hurt them, well it really upsets your peace and hurts your mental sanity and well-being to do things that you don’t wanna do!!
•
u/stuckinnowhereville 21h ago
Let him be hurt. Is he 5? He’s the one with the “broken” home. Get tougher. Glad you are going on vacation next year.
•
•
u/ancient_fruit_wino 21h ago
Why throw good years after bad?? He clearly doesn’t think about you when he makes decisions that affect you. He doesn’t have the decency to clean up after his kids, so you’re the maid. He may have good moments but this shows he’s not a good partner. You’re the one in control here. You don’t have to be there.
•
u/Massive-Noise3997 15h ago
Unfortunately being with a man or woman with kids means sacrificing all your free time or time alone with them. You’re supposed to be ok with not having time to yourself or time with your spouse because you knew what you were getting into but you must be a money maker, housekeeper, cook, bedroom fun and basically just smile through it. It sucks but as far as resentment goes you’re going to building it more and more because he’s not going to care when it comes to his kids.
My advice don’t do anything for them anymore. Let him cook, let him clean, let him entertain them? He wants you to babysit sorry you can you’re busy. Until he can start respecting your time to yourselves or time together if just hide in the bedroom or go rent a hotel room for a few nights. His kids are his responsibility
•
u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all 15h ago
That’s legit. It’s that he didn’t ask me before scheduling what precious free time I have (I still would have said yes, but there wasn’t even a question or consideration).
•
u/Massive-Noise3997 13h ago
I’m not surprised he did that because in his mind he thinks you’re just as in love with his kids and he is. It’s pretty delusional way of thinking and if you’re married to him and working to help support him and his children’s lifestyle then he should talk to you about it but that don’t. Because it’s his kids… and bla bla bla. It’s just a bunch of bull shit and I really hope more childless women avoid this kind of life.
If you’re on vacation I’d take that vacation somewhere else. Or tell him not to bother you.
•
•
u/Sillypotatoes3 19h ago
I always say- there is two weeks. You get one with child but one needs to be child free for me. Consecutively! I’m not going back to work tired and overworked anymore.
•
u/niki2184 15h ago
You don’t have to keep putting up with it. You can change this! YOU can change your life. You don’t have to live like this!
•
u/all_out_of_usernames 8h ago
I find it interesting that he's invited his kids over at separate times, because they don't get along. Which is fine, it shows that he's making life easier for his kids.
However, he hasn't considered you at all. That maybe YOU want some one on one time with him over your time off. Which is not great - he's able to think of what's best for his kids, but not what's best for you.
Either you've been doing an outstanding job of hiding your feelings, or he doesn't care.
It's time to stop being too nice. You need to speak up. And definitely book that holiday for next year!
•
u/AutoModerator 21h ago
Welcome to r/stepparents! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment receiving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.
Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting.
About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | FAQ | Resources | Rules | Saferbot - Autoban Information
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.