r/stepparents • u/bookyface That bitch who is at fault for it all • 1d ago

Vent I’m still angry

Posted here a couple of days ago about how DH invited SD and SS over to our house (separately, because these kids hate each other other) for half of my break from work without asking me and deleted it, because I thought I should just get over it. SD is leaving the house today to go back to her Mom’s, and I figured SS was supposed to come over this evening/tomorrow. Come to find out that SS is due to come over tomorrow and the day after, leaving me three whole days of no kids. On a 12 day break from work.

DH seems to think that everything is fine, I’ve been playing well with SD and I told him that he’s welcome to bring SS as he’s already invited him (and just ignored me) so it would be rude to SS to take that back.

I’m a door mat. Spent this whole time with SD cleaning up after them both and fuck me, I guess I should have said no to SS but then I’m the bad guy. Again.

John and Julie Gottman talk about resentment being one of the four horsemen heralding divorce. Wonder how many years I’ll be putting up with DH just making plans with his bratty kids before it gets too much.

49 Upvotes

83% Upvoted

55 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

1

u/LiveGarbage5758 1d ago

So to be happy in her relationship she has to be alone? That’s not good

6

u/Arethekidsallright 1d ago

I think the ability to be comfortable with being alone for periods of time is extremely important. Especially in situations like OP's. So many people in this sub don't get out when they should because they are afraid of being alone. It can be empowering. It helps solidify identity.

As for the relationship, perhaps periods of time when OP is gone will inspire a newfound appreciation of her in her SO. Or, it will provide much-needed clarity about whether they should be together.

3

u/LiveGarbage5758 1d ago

You literally get married to have a partner - to not be alone. If someone has to leave you alone to appease their child they shouldn’t Be remarrying

4

u/Arethekidsallright 1d ago

Perhaps we're not talking about the same magnitude. I don't mean consistently spending time apart where you reconnect every once in a while. But an evening here, a day there, perhaps a weekend, is healthy. Needing to be constantly in the other's near orbit isn't a healthy relationship. It's codependency.

•

u/LiveGarbage5758 12h ago

Not always. My partner and I love being together. It’s our favorite thing. And when we’re not at work we’re rarely apart. We’re in love

•

u/Nicodemus1thru10 9h ago

Most partners love spending time together. They wouldn't be together if not. But it's healthy to have hobbies both together and apart. And it's healthy to have other relationships with family and friends both together and apart.

SK has more "entitlement" to their parent than anyone else. That's not to say that they get to demand 100% of it, because again, it's healthy to have relationships outside of the parent and child one.

Of course anyone has the right to the type of relationship they want. They also have the right to be prioritised some of the time too. But if a parents duty to their child is too much for their partner then the partner is better off finding a different love.

•

u/LiveGarbage5758 5h ago

I don’t believe SK has more entitlement to their parent. I really don’t

•

u/Nicodemus1thru10 4h ago

For our family we say "everyone's needs before anyones wants".

Kids need more from their parents because they're literal dependants. But adult partners have needs for love, attention and affection too.

So we should all take priority when the need arises for it. The kids may want to hog dads attention all the time but if I have a need (like today, I needed comforting because the felted wool portrait of my recently passed cat arrived), I'll take priority. Obviously I treat my partner the same way in regards to my bio.

As parents we have a duty and responsibility to be there for our children, who have more physical, mental and emotional needs than us. As adults we should have a much greater capacity for autonomy and independence.

Of course, as the kids grow in to adults, they too should be being equipped, by their parents, with the tools needed to have a greater capacity for autonomy and independence.

But for a while there, of course they have a greater entitlement to their parents, they're dependant on them in a way an adult partner isn't. However, that doesn't mean that the adult partner should have their needs completely neglected or never prioritised.

•

u/LiveGarbage5758 3h ago

I think that the same level of entitlement you’d have as a first wife and parent should be the entitlement you have as a second wife and second parent. You do what you want in your house. In mine - spouse comes first. Kids needs are met unquestioningly - food , shelter, academics, safety. But a spouse will never be left behind or have a cup less full bc a child refuses to entertain themselves when needed or have behavioral discipline. A marriage bed will not be encroached on. Etc. If we are secure and able to give each other max affection and communication, the kids are given over and beyond. By filling each others cup first, our cups overflow onto the kids.

•

u/LiveGarbage5758 3h ago

A spouse should never think they are entitled to less affection or time bc you happened to have a kid before they met you. It absolutely doesn’t work that way, unless the bioparent is codependent or Disney parenting. And in that case they shouldn’t be dating as they aren’t ready

•

u/Nicodemus1thru10 2h ago edited 1h ago

That's the thing though, once kids are brought in to the family the first spouse and parent does get less affection and attention naturally. Because it's divided between them and the child, and children have more needs than adults. I'm in agreement that the second spouse and stepparent should get the same as the first spouse and parent.

Just that it naturally decreases with children in the family.

There does need to be balance though, which is often neglected even in nuclear families. That's why we hear so often that one parent is having an affair because they feel neglected by the other parent who is putting everything in to raising the child, leaving nothing over for their partner. Relationships need these to survive, so of course that has to be prioritised. But dependants will always have more needs.

Where people go wrong is when they completely neglect the needs of their adult partner.

Edit: I also think that part of raising well-adjusted adults is modelling a healthy and loving relationship between you and your partner, whether that's a bio or step parent. It's the blueprint for their future relationships. So I consider that to be a need that comes before a child's wants.