r/confidence • u/Akashh23_pop • 4d ago
How do you fix your low-self esteem?
I think part of reason I seem to lack confidence is because I have low self esteem and I think this problem has occurred because I've never really challenged myself and accepted defeat easily. I also didn't go outside comfort zone. I seem to put off tasks and worry all day instead of doing something about it.
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u/educated_farts 4d ago
Discover your passion, make your goal in life to work with that passion. Become an expert at something.
Don't be a dick to others or burn bridges while you're on your journey.
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u/EetinAintCheetin 4d ago
Self esteem is something you choose to give yourself. It’s not something you earn or something that is given to you.
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u/plivjelski 4d ago
Thats not helpful at all..
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u/EetinAintCheetin 4d ago
Well, essentially it is exactly what needs to be done. The problem is that our society brainwashes us into making self esteem and self love conditional. It is very ingrained in most cultures at this point and parents especially use this to motivate their kids to succeed in school and in their careers, of course, at the expense of their self esteem and often romantic lives.
How may times have you been told that you need to earn a specific grade so mommy and daddy can be happy with you (conditional acceptance)? How many times have you been told that you need to be a star athlete, have a high paying career or be extremely good looking to be considered valuable in the eyes of society? All these are conditions.
Let’s say someone feels down about themselves. What do they often hear from people trying to cheer them up?
“Oh, don’t feel bad about yourself, you are so good at singing or playing basketball”.
This is all good, but it is conditional self esteem. You need to be good at something in order to feel good about yourself. What happens if you lose your voice or you get old or injured and can’t play sports anymore?
A lot of men tie their self worth to their careers. If they are successful in their career and earn a lot of money, they feel good. But what if they lose their job? Are they suddenly worthless?
It is a belief system you have bought into that makes self love conditional. Find your specific belief system. Do you tie your self esteem to accomplishments or physical attributes or to having love and being loved? Then do a cost benefit analysis of having this belief.
It will become clear to you what the disadvantages of buying into these belief systems are.
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u/Ecliptic_Sun000 3d ago
I find this interesting you went a totally different way with this than I did. I basically took that as no one in society cares unless it benefits them to care. It gave me very strong motivation to succeed because i wanted someone to love me and therefore had to do something for it. Sounds kinda fucked up but I’ve pulled off some crazy stuff
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u/EetinAintCheetin 3d ago
I’ve never met anyone who was loved for their accomplishments or what they could provide financially. That’s not love, that’s just someone using you.
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u/Ecliptic_Sun000 2d ago
I get there love in return because I give them something of value. A lot of it’s biology survival of the fittest people want what’s best for there kids. It’s sad yeah but it’s the society we live in there’s no escaping it
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u/lnxkwab 2d ago
This is probably the best best write-up I’ve ever seen about self-esteem, which appears to be such an elusive concept to the surface zeitgeist.
I’d like to challenge you though, a bit, just to see your thoughts on it. There are two issues I see with self-esteem:
- Developing Self-Esteem is a complex thing, and a bit of an uphill battle, because the world inherently treats you based on your apparent or observable capability. Ie, I can think myself capable of a particular job, but that has nothing to do with if I’m hired upon applying. One can think themself a romantic catch, but another person can deem them undesirable.
Outside of theory, we are bombarded with external valuations on ourself as soon as we walk in the door(and sometimes even at home). And so while we can tell ourselves we are worthy, it isn’t uncommon to have voices, signals, and/or outcomes that assert the opposite.
- Self Esteem as a departure from reality. Our ability to correctly navigate the world and our lives requires that we can accurately identify what we want, how to get it, and what we are doing right or incorrectly. I do believe that there is a realm within self-esteem which can blind us to maladaptive or, otherwise, unsophisticated behaviors or thought patterns.
To be clear- I also don’t think it’s exclusive to any “extreme” of self-esteem. A regular person with regular self-esteem is probably vulnerable to a bit of delusion due to their self esteem, which makes them at least a small bit unaligned with reality or where they stand in the world.
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u/EetinAintCheetin 2d ago
Got it! The old “if I feel good about myself, I must be a delusional psychopath” trope!
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u/Magician1994 4d ago
Sounds like you need to step outside your comfort zone. Take baby steps, but try to do something new regularly.
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u/ExtraRawPotato 4d ago
Find a skill you really enjoy doing and work hard and get really good at it. It can be literally anything ex. Knitting, bowling, rock climbing, chess
It will help build your self esteem and confidence.
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u/plivjelski 4d ago
What if you lack self esteem and confidence because you are terrible at everything no matter how hard you work at it... ?
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u/ExtraRawPotato 4d ago
Eh I'm gonna risk coming off a bit snobbish here and say I don't really believe that's possible. If you really put time and effort into something you're going to get better.
Ex. If someone spends an hour and a half a few days a week practicing playing the piano after a few months they are going to get better and after a few years they are going to get good. It would be really hard to do that consistently and make zero progress or improvements.
I will acknowledge however that its possible someone who feels that way just hasn't found what they enjoy spending their time doing yet and so feels that way about everything which is fine, just need to experiment. As a kid I cycled through tennis, soccer, basketball, and swimming before I realized sports isn't for me and now I play chess.
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u/plivjelski 4d ago
If you really put time and effort into something you're going to get better.
As a kid I cycled through tennis, soccer, basketball, and swimming before I realized sports isn't for me
These are contradictory statements.
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u/ExtraRawPotato 4d ago
No.
I definitely did get better at all 4 of those sports the more I did them. Again it's very very VERY difficult to dedicate yourself to something and consistently practice it and never improve in the slightest.
However,
I also simultaneously realized I didn't enjoy doing them and wasn't passionate enough about them to stay consistent about an improvement plan, so I quit.
If I continued doing them would I have continued improving? Yes. Would it also make me miserable and hate life? Yes
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u/LocksmithComplete501 4d ago
I can hear your inner critic talking here. Doing inner critic work was massively beneficial to me. That negative voice inside can be silenced with a mixture of therapy, letting go of false beliefs, affirmations and mindfulness (on the original sense of being mindful of your own moods and thoughts in a detached observant way whereby you are not controlled with them
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u/ArticleFearless6334 4d ago
This. I noticed how much my mind was telling me “I can’t do this” or “I don’t deserve this” and made sure that every time I noticed myself thinking them things I did whatever the task was. Im trying to replace them with positive affirmations.
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u/Clebii 4d ago
I found a video recently exploring this issue. The concept was that you build trust in yourself just as you would in an other person. Like how you talk with yourself, how good you do with your basic needs, and if you break your promises. For me the last one helped a lot. Now i make much smaller goals that I'll be able to complete, and everything else is extra, which seems much less overwhelming after I kept my original promise to myself. Like I only commit to take a shower, and if I can also wash my hair, that's an extra, which feels great to do. For me it seems to work so far.
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u/DJ_Jonga 4d ago
Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to be face to face with things that make you uncomfortable. Sometimes there is so much fear that it hurts to look at the source. I encourage you to keep going towards what you're afraid of--explore what it is by Journaling, meditating, relationships, therapy, reading. Also recommend this book if you want a starting point: The Courage to be Disliked.
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u/Anon-Working-Grunt 4d ago
I think you should try a spiritual checklist.
A checklist where you sit down and ask yourself what exactly you’ve got and your shortcomings. Your skills and attributes and your struggles. Ask yourself about who has hurt you in the past but also who you have hurt. Ask what your desires are, your current goals, current aspirations, and how you can align those goals / aspirations to those desires? All these questions and more just ask yourself in the mirror and write / type your answer out to look at and remember.
Obviously you should be honest when answering these questions because at the end of the day you yourself are asking / answering these, the only one impacted is you and lying means jackshit.
It’s something you should probably write off a weekend for, if I’m being honest. It’s an emotionally draining experience that will exhaust the crap out of you, but it might enlighten you specifically on where your low self esteem originated from, what’s adding to it, and the path you might need to follow to correct it. Is this perfect? No, but it did give me a lot of crucial steps to fix some of my negative views and negative self worth.
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u/JellyCat997 4d ago
I started having hobbies and doing more things I enjoyed. I’m still working on it, but I’ve become a more interesting person and I like myself a bit more than when I had nothing going on.
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u/StationaryTraveller9 4d ago
Seems like you already know what to do in order to improve (most of people know it). Going out of the comfort zone and taking action is hard, but doing nothing is even harder
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u/Kitchen_Set8948 4d ago
Go to gym often lift weights in evening Cardio at night U study or work on ur craft U eat mostly Whole Foods
If ur hurting - u hit the gym harder
I’ve been skinny I’ve been chubby I’ve been poor and I’ve been ( hood ) rich
But the man feels the most confident when he’s walking around super fit
So that’s how u combat it
Just like laziness - gotta combat it when u don’t wanna do something
That’s why I run in the morning ( just 25 - 30 mins ) cause is the one way u fight it
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u/mymymy58 4d ago
Being comfortable with failure that comes with challenges actually helps our confidence in ourselves. Accepting defeat and actually failing/making mistakes at things you attempt are two different things. With the latter, you allow yourself to learn, grow and recognize your strengths and failures (if you approach it that way).
It truly depends on your inner monologue. Do you beat yourself up, focus on negatives, things you don’t like and a negative perspective or do you coach yourself through those moments, remind yourself it’s okay, focus on being optimistic and realistic at the same time, that you’ll work at it and maybe even a little “I’m proud of myself for trying”?
Working with a therapist can really help your inner dialogue.
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u/MathematicianSlow183 3d ago
For me it was the realization that the vast majority of people are just thinking about themselves. Which I was guilty of as well. All I needed was to realize this and then I could argue away the anxiety.
Basically realized no one is thinking about me but me. No one is laughing at me except for me. No one remembers the stupid shot I've done but me. So it's just me that is holding me back. My low self esteem is because of how I think about myself.
So fuck that. I am allowed to think whatever the fuck i want about myself. If I want to hype myself up I can. If I want to say hi, how's your day to that hot barista just to be nice then I can. If I want to smile at a stranger as I pass by on the sidewalk then I can. If I want to try something I have never tried then why the hell not? Cause I might fail? As I have realized I am the only one that would care i failed. No one else. And that is something I want to care less about. So I go for it.
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u/PienerCleaner 3d ago
you basically know the answer already.
for me, self-esteem comes from knowing what's important and taking care of it. if you know what's important and you take care of it, you and anyone else can trust you (because almost every situation involves knowing what's important and taking care of it).
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u/Ouki- 3d ago
Self esteem is not like muscle where there is a one size fits all way to get it Each individual have his own specials way to enhance or destroy his own self esteem.
This is also imo a lot more a matter of what to remove than what to add. For ex my porn addiction swallowed my esteem for years before i woke up and dealth with it.
Therapy that is well suited for you is priceless too, if you requires it. Some mainlines that works for most people is socialize therapy, exercise and feel useful in either a job/charity work/studies. It’s a basis then introspect
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u/Temporary_Maximum_76 3d ago
I'll never forget with someone telling me this when I was struggling the same thing: if you want self esteem, do esteemable things.
Sounds dumb but that clicked for me. I never really had confidence until I earned it with my actions.
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u/No_Turn_5997 3d ago
You’d be surprised how effective exercising daily can be in boosting your confidence levels. Try it for 2 weeks and see how you go.
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u/Dr-F-author 3d ago
The amount of your achievements is directly correlated to your self-esteem. Win more often. Small achievements grow into larger ones.
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u/SwiftSharapova 2d ago
Literally just understand fundamentally that you were created and are here for a reason. You are of very high value to God… you aren’t here for no reason. Start loving and believing in yourself because before you know it you’ll be a loser when you’re older. The things that your low self esteem stopped you from will be huge regrets. When you’re older and more developed and have a better sense of self you’ll feel like life passed you by. You are of such importance. You have value. Keep going and keep your head up. And work hard until that self esteem catches up to where it needs to be
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u/HealifyApp 2d ago
Start by making a deal with yourself to tackle one thing today - JUST ONE. It can be as small as making your bed or doing 10 push-ups. It sounds basic, but small successes are like little sparks for your self-esteem. Keep lighting them up.
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u/lordbrooklyn56 2d ago
Figure out why exactly you beating yourself up about. If you can fix or improve it, work at it. If it’s something out of your control, make peace with it.
And give yourself a fucking break.
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u/Delicious_Fan1456 2d ago
Do somethin productive with an end goal, dont overhink, practise looking in front of you, dont look at the floor, if bullied go train some martal art, the people there are always nice an open minded to somebody wanting to do beter in life, they where once in same possition as you.... easy just work work work.
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u/cherryblossomparadis 1d ago
Exposure therapy, repeat mantras every day, speak kindly to yourself, yoga, meditate
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u/edweeeen 4d ago
Sounds like you know what you need to work on already, so now the hard part is to do it. Build trust in yourself through experiences, eventually you will know deep down that you’ll be okay.