r/breastfeeding • u/Forsaken_Willow22 • 1d ago

Christmas ruined over breastfeeding

Just a rant - I’ve had some supply issues in the beginning. Baby was full term but just tiny and while she had a good latch it just took her a while to get strong enough to empty the breast.

While waiting for her to get strong enough on her own (which she is now yay!!!) I’ve cried many times, had to supplement, and even paid $$$$ to see a lactation consultant. So it’s been a journey.

We are finally to a place where she ebf except getting one bottle a day around 5pm because baby daddy wants to have that bond with her. I rarely pump because I hate it so I just do my own thing.

Cue yesterday - we get up and he immediately wants to give her a bottle… I had just fed her!! She wasn’t hungry. She wasn’t fussy. She was fine. So I tell him she’s fine and doesn’t need one. He lost it and said I’m just controlling. I swear I don’t understand why there’s gotta be so much drama with breastfeeding. I’m sure if she was exclusively bottle fed there would still be drama. It’s so stupid. Thanks for listening lol

131 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

35 comments sorted by

162

u/teacherlady4846 1d ago

Hugs.

I got nap trapped until 11 am and had already fed my 3 month old 3 times that morning by the time I was able to go downstairs in my parents' house. I was FAMISHED. Like truly out of my mind hungry, but I knew if I didn't let my little one nap on me he'd be really cranky. So I'm finally able to get a snack and my mom yelled at me I had to wait: "we waited all morning for you, it's super rude that you would just take something before we're ready for breakfast" and I just started crying because they truly don't understand, like it was actually painful how hungry I was.

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u/Forsaken_Willow22 1d ago

This too!! We’re almost 5 months in and she FINALLY goes 2-3 hours between feeds but by time she got up from her first nap I was ravenous! Hadn’t eaten anything. Like I don’t get why they don’t understand.. especially moms. I guess they don’t remember what it was like to have a baby??

At least it’s over now!

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u/teacherlady4846 1d ago

My mom formula fed and I know she can be a bit sensitive about it so it took everything in me to not make a bitchy comment that she wouldn't understand what breastfeeding hunger is like. Mostly I can't stand being yelled at, I got yelled at a lot as a kid and now that I'm 30 it infuriates me to be treated like a child

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u/Forsaken_Willow22 1d ago edited 1d ago

Thankfully, my own mother doesn’t do that. But his mom does. she breast-fed for two months and then switched to formula. she loves to tell me “ that’s not normal” about anything breast-feeding related. And I’m like you have no idea what’s normal and what’s not.

Edited to fix typos.

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u/teacherlady4846 1d ago

Damn, I'm sorry. My MIL BF all four of her kids, the last one until she was 3 years old, so she's very understanding

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u/loligo_pealeii 1d ago

If you need it, here's your permission to refuse to stay with your mom of she can't handle not yelling at you. Because that is seriously not ok. 

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u/teacherlady4846 1d ago

Planning on doing Christmas next year with the in-laws and then after that at my own house. Both sets of grandparents will get a baby Christmas and once he's a little toddler I want to make my own Christmas traditions with my little family

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u/loligo_pealeii 1d ago

Seriously, it's ok to insist on only spending time with people who can treat you with respect. Don't worry about trying to be fair with people who can't be fair to you. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. They don't need to see that type of behavior modeled for them.

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u/Open-Mousse8072 22h ago

My husband doesn't understand the appetite that comes with breastfeeding. When my son was a newborn I was ravenous. He kept expressing concern at the amount I was eating. Keep in mind it was things like avocado toast, veggies, protein bars or smaller servings of meals we had made not chips, candy and junk. If it was I could understand. I told him I'm losing weight with how much I'm producing for him to eat if I don't eat enough nutrients the quality of my milk will suffer. Not to mention how offended I was that he had said anything to begin with on something he doesn't understand.

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u/teacherlady4846 19h ago

Yeah I'm a slim person with a normally big appetite, so my appetite now just seems outrageous. Like easily 3000-4000 calories a day. I'm also nearly 6 feet tall whereas my mom is 5'3"

I've literally got back in my pre-pregnancy clothes about a week postpartum but my mom is always like "you're hungry again??" YES.

1

u/Crafty_Damage1187 16h ago

Wow I would have told her off!!! I told my husband off a thousand times when I was starving from breastfeeding. They really don't get that type of hunger and are so insensitive!

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u/Patcheslove55 12h ago

Thankfully my own my was understanding and no one on my side of the family said anything. My MIL was another story and legit said “you are still doing that nursing thing?” I repeated back to her “yes I am doing that nursing thing he is only 4 months”. Then she tells me “ I want to feed him for Christmas”. I stood my ground and said no. I don’t have a pump. I didn’t bring my bottles. Plus he won’t take a bottle if I am around anyways. She offered to take me home and thankfully hubby said “why would we load up and go back home when she can just feed him?”. She dropped it but only cause hubby said something cause if it were just me she would still be pushing it… 🤦🏼‍♀️

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u/lazybb_ck 1d ago

There are so many other ways that dad can bond with the baby other than feeding a bottle.

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u/TheBandIsOnTheField 1d ago

Right? Lol. It is like some men cannot handle that a mom could do something they couldn’t.

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u/Ill-Cicada6224 1d ago

so true! my husband is always so amazed and thankful that i breastfeed. i don’t understand men that are like offended by it, so weird

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u/frogsgoribbit737 1d ago

While I agree, many people here emphasize the bond they feel while breastfeeding so if you feel that way I do think its messed up to not allow the father of the baby to feel some of that too.

I don't personally feel that breastfeeding is more bonding than bottlefeeding (ive done both) though so I do think the whole argument is pretty sillt.

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u/derelictthot 1d ago

Ive done both too and in my opinion breastfeeding is totally unique, not greater but absolutely different, a hormonal, physical and psychological connection. He gives baby a bottle so he can bond that way every day, obviously it's important for dad to bond with the baby too but comparing the two bonds is apples and oranges, that's why people say there's other ways for dads to bond with the baby, so forcing a feed when there is no need for one and then getting aggressive with his wife over it is literally pointless and not okay.

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u/Less_Environment7243 1d ago

Only the mother can breastfeed - it's messed up to not allow her to do her thing and try to prioritise the feelings of someone who cannot breastfeed

3

u/BatheMyDog 18h ago

A mother should never have to sacrifice nourishing her baby to smooth over anyone’s fragile ego. 

The non breastfeeding parent can create their own unique bonding thing.  Reading books, going for walks, playing, or a million other things. It is not hard. 

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u/DearPiccolo 1d ago

I’m so sorry there was such a big fight over this. Giving a baby a bottle after they’ve already been fed seems like such a waste of time and milk. She probably wouldn’t take much from the bottle, right? Such a petty thing to be mad about!

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u/Forsaken_Willow22 1d ago

Well, that’s what I was trying to get him to understand. That she just ate like five minutes before. But instead, he let it ruin the entire day. It’s so petty but here we are fighting about it the next day as well.

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u/TheBandIsOnTheField 1d ago

Breastfeeding did not ruin the day. And immature and ego-driven dad did.

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u/Larissanne 1d ago

That’s stupid. My husband accidentally gave her a bottle the other day while I specifically stated that I didn’t want to pump anymore (our 9m old gets a bottle on certain times and gets breast fed at certain times). I cried and overreacted a little bit, said sorry for that. We changed the feeding schedule that day so I could feed her a while later in the place of something else so I wouldn’t have to pump. If I don’t feed her on the times we scheduled my breasts would feel like exploding. It’s not that bad right now but when baby was younger and I had more feeds that was hella uncomfortable AND you are in danger of mastitis. I told husband multiple of times and a few times angrily told him to read up on it himself.

I’m not siding with your husband on this one, but what helped us is to take a pause and try to open the conversation again very calmly. Is your husband scared he can’t bond with the baby? My husband tends to focus on other stuff that isn’t really the problem if he is anxious about something.

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u/Forsaken_Willow22 22h ago

I don’t think he’s scared of there not being a bond. He did ask that he give her a bottle a day for the bond and we have our schedule set to give her one at night when he gets home. I think for him it’s a bit of a crutch as well as anxiety. Like sometimes he wants to take her and spend hours with her but he knows in 2-3 hours she’s going to be hungry and wants to take a contact nap. So maybe he thinks it’s cutting into time he should have with her? When I ask him about it he’ll usually say it’s because he knows she’s not getting enough and I’m too prideful to admit it. Which isn’t the case. I am a prideful person but the facts are the facts and her growth is phenomenal. I just think he doesn’t know how to express how he really feels or may even not even be self aware of why it’s so upsetting to him.

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u/Sareya 1d ago

IF your baby’s father is not normally a hard headed asshole, give him some grace. He’s probably stressed and sleep deprived too. If this is a common occurrence then you may need to muscle up some strength to tell him off.

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u/Forsaken_Willow22 1d ago

He’s only hard headed about this. Otherwise he’s an amazing dad. I truly think he just loves her so much and has anxiety constantly. So he’s just worried she’s not eating enough but can’t rationalize that she CAN and DOES communicate when she’s hungry.

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u/angrylilmomster 1d ago

There are so many ways to bond with the baby that don’t involve milk. He could do so many other things with her if he’s looking to build that bond.

You on the other hand are the only one she can get breastmilk from so he needs to just mind his business and let you two do your thing.

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u/semisemi 1d ago

Christmas ruined over by baby daddy's behaviour, not ruined over breastfeeding!

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u/cottonballz4829 1d ago

Baby is a human not a plaything. Just because he feels like feeding, doesn’t mean the baby wants to eat. Wtf.

What’s up with fathers who have to feed the baby? It’s the one thing women have a built in function and they can’t handle it? Tell him to go for a walk with or play with the baby.

I bet he doesn’t even do the dishes when u pump. Would fit the bill.

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u/AdditionalAge9891 1d ago

Right! They're not entitled to intrude on ONE THING that doesn't involve them whatsoever. Burp the baby, rock the baby, sing a song or read a book, there's no need to deprive a sweet baby of their most comforting activity. Makes me mad.

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u/purrinsky 23h ago

Just general solidarity and chiming in on why the hell do most dads always see moms advocating for babies (who can't talk) and upholding their rights as being controlling. It's ridiculous. We aren't trying to dictate anything, we're literally just describing the state of the baby "they're full". Like ..don't feed a full baby is just common sense. The moment a woman tells a man he can't have his way it's controlling.

I'm sorry this happened to you on Christmas

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u/Forsaken_Willow22 22h ago

Thank you! You worded it better than I could have! I will now use this “I’m just advocating for our child who can’t talk”

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u/Mother_of_Kiddens 1d ago

I’m sure if she was exclusively bottle fed there would still be drama.

Exactly. You have a husband problem not a breastfeeding problem. The appropriate response to informing him she doesn’t need a bottle is “oh, cool. What else can I do? Have you eaten or had a drink?” (Or some variation thereof.)