r/Assistance • u/JKSBBLP • 19d ago
ADVICE My life combusted. Help please.
I live in the US. A few days ago I discovered my husband (common law, recognized in my State) has been cheating on me. It's been going on for at least 2 months, mostly sexting and dating sites (something he did before but promised to stop, I know im stupid), and one women i know for sure he's had physical contact with. He doesn't know that I know. I don't know what to do. I don't blame him, I fell down the depression and anxiety hole pretty hard in 2018, got really physically sick and almost died in 2023, and its been a long, slow, really slow, process in trying to drag myself out of the pit, which is now complicated by physical ailments and lack of mobility. The house is his, the only car he put my name on is 20+ years old but due to the standard that is German over-engineering I'd have to take out loans just to replace a windshield wiper (he does all of his own car maintenance and repairs). I have no savings or money saved, or valuables. He controls the finances, and keeps my SS disability card since he does all the grocery shopping and bills. I don't go anywhere. I haven't left the house for anything other than doctor appointments since April of 2023. I'm not cleared to drive myself, and between the big oxygen tanks and either my rolator or wheelchair I need assistance walking. I really don't blame him. I'd leave me too. But I have no where to go. The one sister who lives in my state has no room. The other lives several states away and also has a house full. And I can't leave my cats. I've lost so much already, I can't leave them. I've asked him to add me to the deed, in case something happens to him, at least I won't have to scramble to try and secure the home. He said he would, but I dont know if he's just saying that or he actually wants to do that. I have a life insurance policy and small 401k that has him listed as the beneficiary, and I just want to be cremated and tossed somewhere, so most of those funds will go to him, but if he keeps driving 4 hpurs through 2 bad cities to see his affair partner every 2 weeks, my anxiety is through the roof that he's either going to die on the highway or eventually he will just blindside me and kick me out. I don't care if he keeps seeing other women, I can't satisfy him now, I've tried, but I also can't be homeless. I dont know what to do. I feel so lost and alone and heartbroken and sad. Just so bone achingly sad I can't think. I'm looking for advice, please? A direction. A Google search. An organization to call. Anything. Please.
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u/PurseSuitofHappiness 19d ago
The saddest line I read in all that is "I would leave me, too." You are essentially all you've got. Please fight hard to prioritize you.
I have no advice regarding your difficult situation but wish you courage, strength, health, wellness, and a belief in yourself that you can and will get through this. I also hope you can find your way in the darkness.
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u/Fun_Situation7214 18d ago
So I was here a few months ago. I lost my leg to a medical misdiagnosis and while he didn't cheat he did start doing hard drugs while having schizophrenia. Nobody deserves this.
Go to social services and a lot of places will give you an apartment if you're on disability or find some subsidized housing.
I had to get a restraining order and was left by myself with nothing and without the ability to even get out of my apartment. I'm still here.
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u/doctoralstudent1 19d ago
Hi OP. Do you feel that you are living with domestic violence (mental, emotional, physical or financial abuse)? I know a few people here have eluded to that, but it also seems that you are unable to drive, you can’t or don’t want to leave the house, and are generally in very poor health. If your partner has your SS card because he does all the shopping, then that is reasonable since you cannot shop for yourself. If you are not working and draw SSDI, you cannot have more than $2000, so that explains why you don’t have any assets. I just wanted to clarify whether you were in a DV situation or not because of the resources that may be available you.
I am not defending your partner’s cheating, but he is likely very lonely. If I were you, I would confront him with the issues that concern you like getting kicked out and being homeless. If you have not signed anything, he likely has not added you to the deed unless he has your general power of attorney and has acted on your behalf.
Keeping everything bottled up inside is not doing you any good. Calmly talk to your partner and find out where things stand. Good luck.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
Hes not physically violent but he gets angry a lot and complains constantly. He can be overbearing for sure. I'm sure he's lonely now, my condition is hard enough for me to endure, much less him but this isn't the first time he's been inappropriate with women. The first time was back after we first moved in together, and I was very active, and we did almost everything together. I discovered he was still in contact with his affair partner that he got busted with when he was living with his last girlfriend. Like I said in my OP, I was stupid and believed he changed and would do better. Thank you for your reply.
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u/doctoralstudent1 17d ago
You deserve respect and love OP. I am so very sorry that your partner has decided to cheat. I know that is so very painful. Also, living with the fear of being homeless (or kicked out of your house) is probably just agonizing. Talk to him and figure out where you stand. Not knowing just makes things worse. Good luck OP. I will be praying for you.
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u/Livid-Rutabaga 19d ago
OP, I don't know where you are, so this may not help you, can you contace adult protection services? If you do, be very careful how you contact them, this man sounds very controlling and he may be tracking your computer or cell phone activity. Make sure you delete searches and calls afterwards.
Cheating is his choice, he has no excuse no matter how sick you've been. Are you under medical treatment? How do you get there? The reason I ask is when I go to medical appointments they usually ask me if I feel safe at home, if I have a support system, etc. maybe a physician can get you some help.
I am sorry about the situation, I hope you can get the help you need.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
I think he thinks I wouldnt find out about these women. He's kinda arrogant like that. It was my sister who would take me to appointments, she lives an hour away so she would drive down, take me to my appointment then drive home, cause we wanted him to focus on work and not being to stressed. That what really hurts, even at my worst I prioritized his comfort and needs, and then he does his. It's never enough.
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u/IILWMC3 REGISTERED 19d ago
You didn’t blame him for cheating because you were sick? Honey, no. Cheating is a choice. You have zero responsibility for his actions. He chose to cheat and that’s unacceptable. Sick or not, nearly dying or not, he chose to do that. He keeps your SSDI card, that is a sign of control. This guy is bad news from what your post says.
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u/Royal_Tough_9927 REGISTERED 19d ago
The moment you leave ,you must call Social Security and have them shut down your card so that he can no longer use it. They can replace it. Sit and think about what the most important items you need to take with you. I made a list in my head and thought about it often. When I left ,i grabbed a box of trash bags. I went through each room methodically shoving my stuff in a bag. I put each bag in a bedroom by the window. I drove next to house. Parked his truck. Went back in house and tossed stuff out window into truck. I moved fast and quick. He never knew I had moved out. Start looking into places you can go to.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
I dont have many valuables. Some jewelry that's not really valuable but sentimental. My personal documents are in a portable binder. Medical equiment. My cats. Some clothes. I'm hoping I can move on my own timeline. I need reliable housing for my medical needs, and cats and mental wellbeing. I can't keep dealing with this stress. Thank you for replying.
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u/Open-Boot-6824 18d ago
First off HELLO, you're not alone and ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.. IN SICKNESS & HEALTH You becoming ill did not give him a free pass. You don't have to go anywhere bottom line I get the feeling of not wanting to be somewhere where you feel you're unwanted unloved I get it you do not have to Upper yourself you are not the one that stepped out of that marriage regardless if it's common law or not it's still a marriage. He became unfaithful, he stepped out, HE GO AWAY ON WEEKENDS.... TELL HIM TO STAY. OF COURSE YOU WANT TO GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW YOU WANT TO GET THE SUPPORT YOU CAN BEHIND YOU YOU WANT TO GET HOW YOU'RE GOING TO MANAGE TO WRITE IT DOWN AND A NOTEBOOK SOMEWHERE HAVE A PLAN DON'T OVERWHELM YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT ALONE YOU ARE NOT ALONE Ñ DESERVE TO LIVE A HAPPY LOVEFILLED LIFE. GOOD LUCK GOD BLESS
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u/Open-Boot-6824 18d ago
It's gonna be HARD HARDER THAN HE77 BUT YOU CAN DO IT. I TO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION NOT A SEVER BUT MIND CRIPPLING I DO WHAT I HAVE TO TO SURVIVE. My BF of 13 years (common law not here ) cheated on me with my own flesh and blood ... my mother's daughter (she is no longer my sister YOU DONT DO THAT TO ANYONE) Him and I kept her little girl when she couldn't have her where she was laying her head (who does that) He was sleeping with her while I had her child at Disney world on my dime( that I would do again she loved it) I took her every vacation while the two of them played house. Putting him out was the hardest thing I did. Best things I ever did.. I lost EVERYTHING EVERYTHING there after. Damn near drank myself too the grave. Got sick 9 day hospital stay emergency surgery but I m hear to tell you I would go threw losing everything again to gain myself back. We love the wrong people trusted the wrong ones. Sure it HURTS HURTS LIKE HELL in the beginning because you love strong... Look in that mirror and love her know you ARE ENOUGH. Once you love the person looking back at you ONCE YOU START BEING OK AND HAPPY WITH HER... THE PAIN WILL STOP. IT WILL LESSEN TEAR WILL STILL FALL BUT THEY BECOME LESSER AS WELL. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. LOVE YOU ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. YOU ARE GINNA BE OKAY
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
Thank you for replying, the emotional support means a lot to me. I'm calling social security this week to get info on any programs for housing I may qualify for. Even if he puts me on the deed, I need to have options. I am realizing I don't have anyone in my life who I can lean on if things get bad, and I guess that's the scariest part of all.
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u/Open-Boot-6824 17d ago
You are very welcome. Its scary and sad not having anyone to lean on . However have faith in yourself cause we doubt ourselves to often and you be surprised at what you can do when you need to do it. I had one person the one person everyone told me to leave alone let go. Well he turned out to be my angel in street clothes. I have.learned the longest most powerful word since being left alone.. NO, NO IS AN ENTIRE SENTENCE. NO IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE SIMPLE SHORT AND RIGHT TO THE POINT. You need to pray have faith in yourself and we'll plan expect the worse pray for the best landing in between hey it's a true blessing. I think you are gonna be okay. Prayers huggs and well wishes sent your way.
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u/Short-Ad2054 REGISTERED 18d ago
I'm sorry you are going thru so much. You need to be in stable care, not in mercy care. Can you contact disability orgs in your area or at a fed level to see about housing?
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u/Quiet_Pain_1701 REGISTERED 18d ago
((((HUGS)))) to you and everyone else here! My heart is breaking. I want to help but I don't know what I can do.
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u/Timely_Lunch_6936 18d ago
I hope you srek help, support groups can offer lots of strength you didn't realize you have around you. Plan carefully he sounds dangerous. My advice would be to get the protection order while he is out with his girlfriend then when he comes back , he wont be able to kick you out he will have to leave.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
Hes never been physically violent. He complains a lot, get angry at stupid stuff but has never hit anyone or anything, but while I don't think he would ever hit me, I am not confident that he won't try to kick me out if he decides the grass is greener somewhere else. Thank you for replying.
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u/YourLifeCanBeGood 19d ago
Call your local Domestic Violence shelter to inquire about benefits and services you might be eligible for, and especially for a safe place to live while while you get your life sorted out.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
Thank you! I plan to call around this week and see what I can qualify for, and how to best sort out things. I appreciate your reply.
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u/YourLifeCanBeGood 17d ago
You are most welcome!
It may take a few "asking around" calls, but there definitely are folks who want to help.
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u/SweetNSalty REGISTERED 19d ago
Definitely get in to see a therapist. They can give you more info about what's offered in your area. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Long years ago, I left an abusive relationship and} had to find a place. I went online and applied for government housing and was approved. They base my rent and utilities on my income. You can also apply for food assistance each month.They also offer handicap apartments. You can do this! Good Luck! I wish you the best.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
Thank you! I have seen a therapist since 2017, once a week for a few years and now im down to every 2 weeks. I also see a psycharist once a month for medication management. It's a deep hole and my progress has been super slow, but one foot in front of the other. I just wish the universe would stop punching down lol! Thank you for replying.
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u/Dawnhollynyc 19d ago
There is the national DV hotline.org. look up your cities local government— the mayors office should have a disability program and a housing program You should consider call Adult Protective services so you can have a case worker. Look for nonprofits in the area that can help with housing or people with disabilities. Look for local online groups with individuals in the same situation. They exist. You may want to talk to someone at SS. Look up local faith based organizations. If common law marriage is accepted where you are look up legal aid in your area they can help you navigate the laws and what you are entitled too. Getting you and the cats to a safe place is a priority.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
Thank you! I am calling Social Security this week to check on programs I can qualify for. Hes not physically violent, just overbearing but I will call around and see what options I have, specially the mayor's office, I didnt think about that. Thank you so much for the reply!
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u/Dawnhollynyc 17d ago
You’re welcome. He may not be physically abusive but he is financially abusive and that’s bad as well. Good luck!
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u/purplgurl 19d ago
Try the purple.leash project. They help with people with pets find shelter. Can you go to a food bank? They can give you food at least. Also Uber can help set up an account just for you to get you around.... Just ideas. You gota get to a therapist too cuz they can help you find programs. Maybe go to like an adult day program and meet people? Oak Stret healt has classes mostly for that and they pick yoi up. You have to make oak stretch yoir primary catw but it can get to8 social and they have a social worker too. Go to oak Street health.
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u/Strange-Trust-9403 REGISTERED 18d ago
Just echoing that Oak Street Health will pick you up and drop you off back at home.
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
We live semi rural so other than something like AA, there's not a lot of programs like that. I will check out both of those place but neither are names that spund famalier or popped up with previous searches for help. Even therapists are few and far between and my psycharist works over an hour away, but thankfully the 2 I see both do telehealth. Uber won't drive me because I need assistance with either a rolator or wheelchair, and oxygen tanks. Medi rides only take Medicade, I have Medicare. I'm calling Social Security this week to see what programs I can qualify for, and I have upcoming appointments with mental health and will disclose to them what's going on. Only reason I haven't yet is because I only got solid proof/pictures last week. Thank you for your reply.
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u/VaguelyArtistic REGISTERED 19d ago
He controls the finances, and keeps my SS disability card since he does all the grocery shopping and bills.
I'm not aware of SSDI benefits being attached to any kind of card, your benefits are usually direct deposited every month. There would be your Medicare card, but that's only used in medical situations.
Are you talking about your EBT card, which would have SNAP/food stamp benefits loaded? In any event, if someone is messing with any kind of benefits you receive you should immediately call the agency involved and report this as fraud. Good luck.
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u/atticuss_finchh REGISTERED 19d ago
in my state SSI/SSD they are distributed on a prepaid pay card if you don't choose direct deposit, as they have phased out paper checks.
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u/VaguelyArtistic REGISTERED 19d ago
Ohh, I didn't know they phased out the checks, thanks for the correction. Oh, right, like how the old food stamps were paper. Makes sense.
In any event, her benefits are being messed with at best and outright stolen at worst, so I hope she reports it. I hope OP can avail herself of other resources, from mental health to housing.
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u/JubileeSailr 19d ago
You don't say anywhere that he is violent or abusive. Don't get me wrong, cheating is terrible. If you have good communication otherwise, try talking to him to see if you can't work something out.
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18d ago
why would this be acceptable???? esp when OP said this has happened before. the bar is in hell
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u/JubileeSailr 18d ago
Because if he's not violent or abusive, then communication seems to be the next step. Not that she has to stay with him, but maybe they can work out something. Communication.
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17d ago
cheating is a deal breaker because cheating shows a lack of both respect and love. both are needed for a strong relationship… how do you communicate past that lol
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18d ago edited 18d ago
CALL 211 TO ACCESS A LIST OF EMERGENCY SHELTERS IN YOUR AREA.
now: 1. there is no reason to cheat. he did you incredibly dirty ESPECIALLY when you’re going through all of those things and i’m assuming believes you won’t leave him since he’s done it before anyway.
you didn’t deserve this, and it’s not your fault. he’s an asshole and is taking advantage of the fact that you rely on him financially to do whatever he wants. he doesn’t respect you and you don’t deserve a guy who thinks that way or behaves that way. that’s a boy. a child. not a man. you deserve a man.
you need to leave him. i know emotionally scarring situations like this make you feel vulnerable and insecure and helpless, but this is a turning point in your life. you need to decide if you’d rather stay miserable with a husband who doesn’t respect you or if you’re willing to scrap that for a chance of happiness with someone who actually deserves a chance to love you. you DESERVE better & i hope you can see it!!
get into therapy. i mean this nicely and with good intent. you deserve to have some way to find inner peace and cope with this situation, and if you’re not trying to heal, it’s gonna be hard to move forward from here
please call 211 like stated above so you can get into a shelter tonight!!! best of luck
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u/JKSBBLP 17d ago
I can not go to a shelter, I am monitored weekly by home health care nurses for blood draws. I'm on some strong meds and it's dangerous not to be monitored. As much as I would love to think about a better living situation, I have to be practical. I'm stuck, I know I'm stuck, all I can do right now is try to make my housing more secure, and giving myself more time for an exit plan. Thank you for replying, its uplifting to know that internet strangers are a caring and compassionate bunch. 💛
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u/lifeisunkind 17d ago
This is heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry you are going through this. What ever happen to the marriage vows “In sickness and in health”! I hope you get the advice and help needed. Sending hugs xxx
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u/canogiez 16d ago
Do you have a friend nearby? If not I would join a women’s facebook group that is local to your area. For friendship/networking. And just be honest, share some of your story like you’ve done here. Women will reach out, there are good people in your community if you’re willing to take some time and put yourself out there a little bit. I know the solution seems out of reach. I think you need some support. And to grow in confidence. Each time you share, you will grow in self awareness, people will share resources and knowledge and a solution will come.
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