I think I’m a secret alcoholic

[u/omxs]

I don't think I've ever said this to myself or anyone else before. But I need to try writing it down or sharing it with someone now. I’m so ashamed.

I think I’m a secret alcoholic.

Or maybe just an alcoholic. I’ve just gotten drunk again by quickly downing a six-pack of 3.5% beer. Again. I live in Sweden, and honestly, it’s a relief in some ways that I can’t constantly justify buying the latest IPA from Systembolaget’s special order catalog. I’m caught in a cycle of self-deception. I can’t seem to stop myself from drinking.

For the past months, maybe even years, I don’t know I’ve been secretly drinking around my family. I’ve drunk enough to feel tipsy, and I’m pretty sure they haven’t noticed. I make up excuses to run to the grocery store, preferably alone, so I can pick up some new IPA or another interesting beer to try. I have a deep interest in beer, which gives me a perfect excuse to always try something new.

God, I’m so tired of myself. I keep telling myself I’ll stop drinking, and then I keep finding excuses to drink more. On Christmas Eve, I made myself a promise, not to touch alcohol again. I actually stayed sober that day. But today, for example, my wife and I planned to pickle red onions. The ones we had turned out to be too old, so we decided to skip it. Yet, in my endless frustration with myself, I found an excuse to drive to the store to buy new onions, and, of course, a few low-alcohol beers. Can you even get drunk on 3.5% beer? Apparently, if you drink it fast enough. And now here I am, once again.

How did I let it come to this? How do I keep ending up here, time after time? This isn’t me.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say with all this. I’m lying in bed now next to my sleeping wife, who I don’t think has realized I’m a secret alcoholic. The anxiety is crushing me. I need to do something about this now.

Can someone handle this kind of thing alone, or do you need to ask others for help?

[u/SAPPER00]

Hey. Admitting you have a problem is a big step!

Hiiding your drinking is a common thing for many. There is some subconscious understanding that it's problematic when you hide it (my guess).

There's no need to go it alone. If you want to stop, you can talk to someone about it. I found that this sub reddit is extremely helpful in finding support and understanding folks.

[u/Wobs9]

Look, for me drinking was a weekend sport. Then a daily one. Wife didn't approve, seeing me getting drunker each week so i started to secretly drinking rum...daily...a lot. For everything.

Almost lost my marriage when i got caught. Its a mental disease, alcoholism.

I quit cold turkey, got a week of fever and shivers, alone. Then i rise and have been sober since July. Never felt better, never been better, will never come back.

Hope my little story helps and supports you on the right (and sober i hope) path.

Will not drink with you today. And note to yourself. Others always know when you drink. Want to know why i know? I can smell booze on someone's breath miles away today and its nasty.

[u/Enough_Spirit6208]

I wasn’t sure I could stop drinking wine but I did. Similar story. I listened to a lot of audio books about quitting. I joined an online support group, but I don’t attend anymore. Just this group. Hang on in there.

[u/freetofocus]

Firstly know it’s not you, it’s the substance that’s the problem.

Yes people can do it without help, but everything is easier with help. You have us here in this group. There’s a lot of helpful posts, insights encouragement and reminders.

You could try this first and see if you need more …

You can do it.

I will not drink with you today

[u/Fine-Branch-7122]

This is a great place to start figuring things out. Quitting was the best and hardest decision I ever tried to do. Check out all the online info on how toxic alcohol is. Make a plan and hang in there. You can do this.

[u/Automatic-Win-8953]

I’ve stopped for 2 months and I’m not going back… nearly lost everything. Tried a few times before but thought I could have one but it doesn’t work like that, got a ADHD diagnosis and on Venlafaxine and I feel much better in my self

[u/WrenSong24]

Greetings and welcome to this amazing and supportive community. I found quit lit like The Naked Mind to be super helpful, because I learned how much the alcohol was in control and what we are up against. You can do it, you can get your life back and you are worth it!!! 👏🏼👏🏼❤️

[u/[deleted]]

I'm right here with you. Even tho I might not be a secret alcoholic, I have the question if I even am one. No one around me thinks I have problem. I don't do crazy things or drink everyday. I just have a huge amount of guilt and shame after I do drink for whatever reason. And I do binge, never just one drink.

I would suggest talking with your wife. My husband has been a huge support and I couldn't imagine him going thru what I go thru and talking to me about it.

[u/ElCuarticoEsIgualito]

Hey friend.

People here are very helpful and can act as a support group. There are others, you can google. Even meetings. And books, good books!

You started the process of figuring it out. Ppl have different experiences. Mine has been personal, for me to figure out how to stay sober. But started with realizing I had a problem. It took me a longer time to figure out that stopping was the only solution.

As someone who drank in secret, I’ll share that for me there was something to examine there, the secrecy. What was I getting out of it and what I needed to do to get over it. The secrecy was itself an addiction.

I will not drink with you today (IWNDWYT) - the pledge you’ll find here.

Good luck to you. And I hope you stick around. :)

[u/Obvious-Musician-573]

To answer your question, there's a part of a quote that's always stuck with me: "You can't do this alone, but only you can do this."