r/stopdrinking • u/stupre1972 467 days • 1d ago
Sobriety - a cautionary tale
460 odd days ago, I stopped drinking.
460 odd days ago, my wife lost her drinking partner.
Directly or indirectly, so did her parents, my sister, brother in law and a number of friends.
Today, we have had a get together of 10 of us and what would have been a very boozy get together (historically double figure bottles of wine plus various other) has been a very gentle affair where the grand total is 2 bottles of wine and a half dozen bottles of beer.
All of that because I stopped and others followed....
So a word of caution - your (and my) sobriety can have positive effects way beyond your own little world.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the sub, I raise a glass (of hot chocolate in my case) and salute you all - Be you on day 1 or day 1000 - and say once more IWNDWYT
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u/full_bl33d 1817 days 1d ago
I’ve heard sobriety can be contagious. That was the case for me as well. Sobriety worked better as a program of attraction rather than promotion. There wasn’t much anyone could tell me when I was drinking but I saw what it looked like on a couple sober friends. It put a bug in my ear and eventually I wanted what they had so I started doing what they did. Staying active and involved in my own recovery helped get my wife started to work on some things as well. After some time in sobriety myself, I started to see some books on her side of the bed. She’s a mind boggling normal drinker but she still wanted to do some work and I’m eternally grateful she got involved with alanon. It helps with everything, not just the booze stuff with me. I know she doesn’t take that step if I don’t do my own work so I keep chipping away.
Ive had some conversations with neighborhood dads and some family members about their own struggles with alcohol, mostly to listen. I like being there. I never expected I would be the one to talk to about this shit but I like it. But I also know there ain’t much I can say. The best way for me to help someone who is struggling or thinking about their own relationship with alcohol is to work on my own sobriety. Countless people have helped me that I’ve never spoken a word to. I saw them walk the walk and that’s saying more than enough. Keep it up and good work
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u/Enough_Spirit6208 362 days 1d ago
I wish :) I mean, I can see the gears turning for a few people, but not those closest to me. My very smart college aged daughter is right beside me and that has been awesome. But I don’t think it would ever occur to my partner to slow down. I’m jealous but also so happy for you.
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u/VariousPop 662 days 21h ago
Same. It's actually causing some issues because my husband has no plans to stop and I really don't like to be around him when he's drinking now.
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u/Enough_Spirit6208 362 days 18h ago
Ah i just peeked at a few of your posts. I think we’d have a lot in common. I saw one where you said you need some hobbies and I swear I wrote something identical. So two years and no luck? Are you doing ok?
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u/VariousPop 662 days 18h ago
Well, somewhat. But I'm also dealing with some other mental health issues, so it's not always easy to find motivation. Plus I'm something of a homebody in general, and I am usually too tired in the evenings to do much of anything. I'll have to peek through your posts now too. :)
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u/JL_Adv 260 days 17h ago
My daughter and I are going to learn to crochet this year. Apparently there are online crochet groups! If I find a good one and you want to join, let me know!
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u/VariousPop 662 days 17h ago
Thank you! I actually just signed up for a class. It's one of the things I've wanted to learn for awhile.
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u/D3LICI0U5 3088 days 1d ago
My best friend and his wife stopped about 6 months after I did. I wouldn’t hang if drinking was involved so I like to think they missed me 😂
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u/on_my_way_back 114 days 1d ago
I am not even drinking and I still was worrying about the amount of alcohol we have in the house for Christmas. It turned out that we had more than enough alcohol as everyone drank way less than they did in the past because I was not pushing it on everyone or making it the center of attention. The alcohol free lifestyle is spreading.
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u/SauerkrautHedonists 77 days 1d ago
This! I also worry about there being enough alcohol for everyone, and empty glasses, even though I am not drinking. Crazy. And I definitely was the one keeping glasses full and encouraging others to partake when I was drinking. This Christmas it was weird to not be mixing drinks or filling peoples glasses. A lot of awkward standing around for me feeling weird in my own skin.
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u/Careless-Shopping-40 43 days 23h ago
Love this. We always host big family events at our house. I always stocked up and most everyone drank. This holiday season we hosted three big parties and didn’t have alcohol. Not a single person asked about it or drank. I guess I was the problem all along 🙉
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u/LadyTreeRoot 5 days 1d ago
My husband is trying for sobriety, and I had to admit I was having more trouble to be supportive than I would have thought. I took a couple of tests, which confirmed I have a problem as well. I'm on my 6th day, IWNDWYT
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u/SauerkrautHedonists 77 days 1d ago
You can take a test? What kind of test?
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u/BlackPlasticShoes 691 days 1d ago
This is a good one: https://auditscreen.org/check-your-drinking
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u/GWBBQ_ 16h ago
You know what's really telling? When you laugh and don't even click the link because you know your answer to every question is going to indicate the most severe problem. The only way to stop getting the high score is to stop playing.
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u/sodabuttons 2465 days 13h ago
I opened it to fill out my past drinking habits and just exited out after 3 questions. My alcoholism culminated in hospital detox, I think I just like taking online quizzes.
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u/EssayCautious 201 days 21h ago
It says I was/am alcohol dependent. Feels good to confirm thaylt I didn't make that all up in my head. 😂
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u/SOBHOP 2839 days 1d ago
Same- I never asked anyone to adjust their drinking. My husband barely drinks at all now. He never drank like me, but he was starting to drink pretty heavy on the weekends . He said he just feels better without it. I think the truth is, I was the pusher drinker getting everyone to drink along with me. My daughter stopped as well. I think people could see I was happy without it. I always worried about being a bad influence. It makes me happy that now maybe I’m an influence for good!
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u/EssayCautious 201 days 21h ago
Yes! Being a good influence feels amazing. Who would have thought? Us? Good influences HA!
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u/vagina-lettucetomato 1088 days 7h ago
I was thinking about this today after the holidays. The people closest to me barely drink anymore. Not one person even had a drink on Xmas at my family’s home or my partners family’s home. I guess I was quite the alcohol pusher. Very happy to not be that person anymore ☺️
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u/Tough_Got_Going 362 days 1d ago
Love this! I posted a while back that my dear husband's birthday dinner was majority non-drinkers. And this is a table of folks who could tell some drinking tales! (His bestie quit 2 years ago, bestie's wife 6 months, me 1 year (almost!) and my bestie is sober curious. Just my husband and his other buddy drank at all. Sobriety is indeed contagious -especially for the AARP crowd :-)
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u/Crabapplejuices 512 days 1d ago
Well that’s awesome to hear! I just lost ALL my friends and my family has mostly ostracized me for calling out my parents alcoholism-fueled abuse and negligence… but I’m glad there are better outcomes out there. That’s how it should be! Congrats on setting the trend!
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u/GroutTeeth 1742 days 1d ago edited 23h ago
This is the positive side of sobriety impact on family dynamics. Unfortunately for me, my family has yet to accept the new me and is always asking me why I am no longer energetic (drunk), excited to come over (and drink for free), or seeking out time with them (to get drunk).
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u/kylew1985 1d ago
I'm blown away sometimes when I will have former drinking buddies completely surprise me with a call or a text to chat about my road to getting sober. It's the best feeling. I struggled for so long thinking that breaking up with booze meant breaking up with most of my friends but its amazing how much support and opportunity to help that's come from this experience.
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u/PageNo4866 9557 days 1d ago
our sobriety can be a huge influence on friends and family...just the realization that there is a choice not to drink. Family behaviors can be so automatic. Proud of you friend. Lead on...
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u/shananigans1978 542 days 1d ago
I love this for you (and me 😊). Several of my closest family members all chose sobriety around the same time I did, including my husband. We celebrated Christmas with said family yesterday and we had an absolute blast - no booze required. I know not everyone is this lucky and I am grateful for it every day. I am still in disbelief most days that I am living a sober life and I am happy and thriving. I never thought it possible, tbh. Glad you have a solid circle OP - thanks for sharing ❤️
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u/CraftBeerFomo 1d ago
It's only since I've been on this journey to sobriety over the last 12 months has a good friend who is also a very heavy, problem, drinker has started to see his drinking is also a problem and slow down and make changes and talk about stopping something he never has before.
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u/WanderingSoul-7632 1d ago
IWNDWYT and haven’t for over 8 years. I love this story and pray I’ll keep it going for at least today. But for the grace of God…
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u/Shanster70 63 days 1d ago
I love this post and courage. I think people struggling really need to read this a few times. There is hope. I will not be drinking with you today.
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u/nedrocks 362 days 1d ago
Xmas used to be a heavy drinking day for us as a family as well. Yesterday, the total alcoholic beverage count for the 8 of us: 0. Such an amazing change and difference. IWNDWYT
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u/mapsrocknjam 208 days 1d ago
I'm so grateful to also have support in the best places. This was my first sober Christmas. The fam is generally responsible and considerate when they drink, except one guy. I made it clear to him recently that his behavior is extremely hard for my sobriety. Because I applied boundaries, he didn't want to join us this year. Best Christmas I've had in a long time.
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u/Wax_Lyrical_ 1d ago
5 days to get to 1 year ☺️ feels good!
Iwndwyt
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u/4U4EA 20h ago
Me too! My First ‘dry-January’ challenge ever taken & made it a full year! 👍Glad to be done with drinking and am truly grateful for the folks on this Sub!
IWNDWYT
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u/ImpossiblePlace4570 1d ago
I lost some friends but others found me eventually when they were ready. I am here for them.
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u/private_butt_thunder 89 days 23h ago
I’ve noticed that I was a catalyst for bad behavior in many of my friends. When I stopped making a fool of myself many of them did too.
I’m not going to be an excuse for people to get bombed anymore.
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u/ElPendejosisimo 139 days 1d ago
One of my best friends started this domino effect when he got sober about two years ago and it spread to me. I'm about 4 months sober since my last streak, but I turn to him whenever I feel weak. He's my official unofficial sponsor.
I wish I could say that I was the "inspiration" for others drinking, but upon assessing and reflecting, it was I who would drink 21 beers while 3 others were nursing their first. To me that's a harder pill to swallow because nobody was joining me in self-destruction, and nobody else was binging the way I was despite me believing the opposite.
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u/Guy0naBUFFA10 1298 days 23h ago
My poor mother in law insisted that I try a champagne cordial. She doesn't drink but she loves her boozey cordials. I told her "thank you but I can't." She insisted again and my very supportive wife said, "MOM HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC, HE REALLY CAN'T!" And that was that. I don't know that we've told them before but at least the bandaid was ripped off and no one cared.
Edit: forgot IWNDWYT.
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u/ribsforbreakfast 468 days 17h ago
My husband was a very heavy drinker, and the catalyst to us both going sober. His sobriety has inspired a few friends to look inwards and significantly cut back on their own drinking. It’s also lost us a few “friends” who turns out we’re just drinking buddies.
Cheers to another year sober in 2025!
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u/SteaksAndScalpels 437 days 1d ago
I've noticed too that family gatherings have become far less boozy. As an eternal pessimist I mostly assume it's because people feel awkward drinking or don't want to out of respect for me.
But this is an interesting point. Maybe I was just more of the catalyst than I realized and I've just been more of a positive impact with it all.
Who knows, but I certainly enjoy sober holidays more. Plus I felt great for work today and had a nice productive day!
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u/innerconflict120 23h ago edited 23h ago
This same thing happened in my life. I stopped drinking 1 year and 1 month ago today, when I got a DUI. This year, Christmas had exactly zero bottles open at it. My whole family, for their own reasons, have stopped drinking. Some drank a lot like me and others only on special occasions. But this I'd definitely a Christmas for the history books, as the first without alcohol. Congratulations to you and your crew. IWNDWYT
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u/CleverFeather 283 days 15h ago
Spent my first sober Christmas at my parents this year as well. Usually the Tito’s is flowing this time of year. But I noticed they had none in the usual spots. And there were no beers in the fridge either.
I didn’t make a scene or even ask about it. I know they either put it away or stopped because of me. It was a good feeling.
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u/Schmicarus 2263 days 1d ago
mate, you are awesome, what an amazing thing to inspire so many people and such close family too!!!
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u/LickEmTomorrow 716 days 1d ago
After I stopped nearly two years ago, my wife, who already wasn’t a heavy drinker, my dad and more recently in the last half a year all followed suit. It’s amazing how contagious it can be.
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u/chitown_jk 752 days 21h ago
That's a great post.
The same thing happened with me. I stopped, then my wife stopped, then her mom stopped, then her dad, then my sister... When people see it can be done, they follow.
IWNDWYT!
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u/alwaysoffby0ne 439 days 14h ago
My Mom, who was a pretty serious alcoholic, stopped drinking shortly after I announced my sobriety and she is coming up on a year sober next week. My mind is completely blown because I would’ve guessed that she’d die an alcoholic after decades of drinking too much. But, she has totally proved me wrong. She read Allen Carrs Easy Way which helped her on her journey, just as I did. I’m truly astonished at her transformation and it’s shown me that anybody with enough determination can do the same thing.
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u/ObligationPleasant45 1d ago
What a brilliant way to phrase it all. 🥰
As I watched everyone have a glass to ease their anxiety …
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u/Purple-Bell-218 119 days 1d ago
I absolutely love this ! Keep up the amazing work! 🥛and I cheers my milk to your hot coco !
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u/songofsuccubus 1d ago
Had me in the first half, not gonna lie!!! But I love this so much. I’ll be drinking hot chocolate with you tonight too, friend :)
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u/Agreeable_Extent4997 1d ago
Yes! My brother-in-law has been sober a couple months now and everything in his life is improving. My spouse is slowly becoming more spiritually minded!
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u/likemelikemenot4ever 483 days 23h ago
That’s awesome! I have a family full of alcoholics so the last 8-9 years we’ve had only sober get-togethers.
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u/No-Katerpillar-28 180 days 20h ago
I've noticed that everyone else drinks less... not so much to keep me company, but because I was the instigator!
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u/Comfortable_Bottle23 707 days 18h ago
OP, I love this. Not to take anything away from your post because it’s beautiful in its own right and I fully support the message…
But did anyone else read this, who also read Laura McKowen’s book, think of the chapter where she discussed a very similar story but a totally different outcome, where she left her mom’s house after a party to realize she had forgotten her keys back inside and when she re-entered to grab them, she saw her mom (who had been abstaining in her presence) pouring a glass of wine? Laura went into how she reflected on her mother just counting down the minutes until Laura left so her mom could finally drink the way she wanted to…
Anyway, this is what I feel like happens with my family. I wish it was more like OP’s but I still feel like the burden despite their “healthier appearing” habits. If you’re in similar shoes, just saying, you’re not alone either.
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u/xCeeTee- 2303 days 17h ago
I wish it worked for my brother. He gets depressed and has a beer, weeks later he's drinking on every day off. However, he has just broken up with his girlfriend who was a heavy drinker. And she was abusive when drinking, physically and verbally. He's committed to put down the bottle after the new year but I fear it's just a matter of time again.
He just self destructs when he's drunk. But hey, at least he's stopped doing drugs so that's something.
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u/Zzzaxx 16h ago
I moved out of state and still kept up with my friend group. I had some chats with my very close friend about our mutual tendency to overdo it. We talked on and off about trying to cut back. Then some stressor in his life had him moving into daily usage of other substances to cope. We got together when I was in town and he told me he needed to stop. We set up a daily call and checking in. No judgement no shame, just bros helping eachother with daily struggles.
Fast forward a couple months and he's off the nose candy, but still drinking. I start to face my demons head on and quit cold turkey. We'd fallen out of.our call habit and I didn't want to have to let him down if I couldn't keep it together.
Got a month or two in when we went to visit again. I told him about quitting, and he was supportive, but was a little surprised i was pulling it off.
A month after that, we're at our kids birthday and I see his wife is off her game. She's not her usual.bubbly self and I chat with her. Turns out she is in outpatient rehab and 2 days into sobriety. My wife and I spent more time with them that trip and I poured my heart out, really pumped her up and kept in close communication over the next couple weeks and she's doing really well. She's out of the fog and her husband is sticking it out with her too.
It's wild how we all came to the same conclusion that we were not doing ourselves any favors to ourselves or our loved ones by continuing our self harm. I'm hoping we all keep it going, because honestly we're better without it. I love them all and I know.im on my path, but it's really reassuring to have your close support system on the ride with you.
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u/Certain-Chemist-585 11h ago
You are a great friend and both of your families will benefit from the support.
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u/Zzzaxx 6h ago
I don't always feel like it, but the recognition that my friend didn't feel comfortable opening up about his struggle to anyone else in his extensive friend group except me really clarified that he values me as much as I value him.
They're really good people going through a tough year, and I want to give them as much support and encouragement as I can.
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u/surprisemotherfer 468 days 13h ago
My dad stopped drinking. And several friends. Not claiming it’s a direct result of me getting sober, but I think seeing people thrive through sobriety and fight tooth and nail to keep it that way is inspiring
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u/CoachAngBlxGrl 13h ago
I was at a friends tonight and he was asking why I chose sobriety so I was sharing my experience and he said “it’s odd because I see myself in this story. Maybe I should take a break.” You truly never know what impact you’ll have. We do know, however, the impact not not drinking will have.
I’m glad others followed you and you didn’t have to make harder decisions.
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u/throwaway20200618-01 2078 days 1d ago
I have been struggling because I stopped but my family have not. either way: this journey is an individual one. I am glad you have support and that you have been able to influence those around you.
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u/popdrinking 55 days 22h ago
So true. A friend of mine with bipolar stopped on my example. Other friends have reduced their usage. It’s a lovely thing to know you’ve made a different unintentionally.
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u/AdLow2430 928 days 22h ago
This is awesome. We got an ‘are you still doing the no drinking thing then?’
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u/Firebouy 21h ago
My partner and I were massive drinkers, so much that it was part of our identity. They gave up with the help of a GP and the excellent pill Naltrexone. As a result I now drink 90% less! And loving it!
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u/PeacefulLife49 19h ago
I was thinking about my purpose today and how I can imprint on other humans around me. I don’t think we realize how much we imprint and on
I’m hopeful this will happen in my life. I really want my hubs to follow.
Congrats on all the positive changes you have created with your change!
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u/thepeasantlife 176 days 17h ago
Same! My husband stopped drinking, although he caved with his sister a couple of weeks ago--but now she's trying to stop. Their mother stopped, too. So we had fizzy water and ginger ale at Christmas dinner, and had lots of very pleasant conversation.
Edit to add: I didn't ask anyone to do quit. It's kind of like it was just in the air, and someone needed to get the ball rolling.
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u/bendnado970 1131 days 15h ago
My older brother (15 years older) told me he was inspired by sobriety. That people can really turn their lives around. He still drinks here or there, but not nearly to the extent that he used to. He said drinking was an escape, and it made him feel like he had to escape. Not anymore. I think being sober inspires people, but also scares some too. Just be true to yourself and your journey. The right people will follow your light, and the others will run from it.
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u/Midgetrails 169 days 13h ago
IWNDWYT My brother has stopped drinking alcohol at our holidays as well
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u/N3WDay 12h ago
I wonder if everyone is drinking less or I was incorrectly assuming everyone was drinking as much as I was.
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u/mrgndelvecchio 361 days 6h ago
This is part of it too. Although there are still people in my life who drink like I did, I now see that most do not. For example, my mother and MIL split a single bottle of wine over the course of like 3 days over Thanksgiving when we were all together. Absolutely bone-chilling lol.
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u/walkingsuns 604 days 2h ago
I noticed something similar here! My husband cut down to a 6-pack two nights a week and my in laws no longer drink as much during cookouts/gatherings. Most of the time, no one is drinking at all. My in laws stocked their fridge with NA drinks and now everyone is hooked on HOPWTRs lol
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u/FatTabby 1085 days 23h ago
I love that other people have followed your example - that must be such a great feeling!
IWNDWYT
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u/butterflyfrenchfry 1846 days 16h ago
Since I got sober, 2 of my uncles have also gotten sober. My bro, bro-in-law, and others have quit here and there but ended up drinking again. Most of them are more mellow when drinking around me… I don’t feel like my sobriety has made much of an impact on family other than they no longer have to deal with my bullshit lol.
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u/Intelligent-Bug-531 52 days 14h ago
I love this! My partner stopped drinking 1.5 years ago and I (finally) joined him—something he never once asked me to do. It’s a whole lot easier following someone’s lead though. So happy for you and your crew.
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u/Craig_of_the_jungle 73 days 14h ago
My dad LOVES cocktails with me and my sister. He's not a problem drinker but he loves to tie one on when we're around and I instigate the shit out of it and I always feel bad seeing my dad hungover because I feel like I caused it (I know, he's a grown man and can make his own choices but still). I don't think I saw the man have more than 4 drinks in a night, at most, while I was home. My sister and brother in law had maybe 3 glasses of wine. 100% chance we would've been taking shots and drunk by Christmas dinner had I been boozing. I felt really happy about that. Day at a time baby. I don't feel like drinking today, maybe I won't feel like drinking tomorrow, but today, IWNDWYT
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u/Kitchen_Criticism_82 14h ago
I’m the youngest in my family and the first to decide to quit, and I’ve noticed the same thing. Except my dad, who had a triple bypass three months ago and is on dialysis for the rest of his life until he can get a new kidney, yet we’ve still caught him sneaking out to the bars a couple times this month. I do not want to succumb to that level of self-loathing, I don’t care how boring it is
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u/CourageKitchen2853 439 days 9h ago
I'll be getting together with a group of college buddies tonight. We're in our early 40s. We've been having this get together on the last Friday of the year for probably 15 years or so and it was an afternoon/night of completely debauchery in the past.
One of the guys quit drinking just before COVID. I quit 14+ months ago now. Last year was a much more calm event. This year we're actually planning the day around having a good meal together and not just eating at some dive bar or Chinese food place once we are hammered enough.
Turns out, I was one of the biggest drivers of the debauchery. Kind of an eye opener when you realize your own drinking is influencing the drinking of other people around you.
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u/gothtortiecat 880 days 8h ago
I’ve started to use online AA meetings for the first time ever recently. I’ve realized sharing our stories is part of our acts of service because look at the positive effect it can have on others around us. Bravo on being the change you want to see! IWNDWYT!
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u/SnooPeanuts8021 1888 days 7h ago
I think the total tally of booze at our dinner last night was 5 beers for the 6 adults there, only 3 of which were drinking. So a peak of 2 drinks per drinking person, perfectly appropriate for many on a 5 hour gathering. We had mocktails or water mostly. It was perfect.
My sobriety caused my sister to cut back, my mom to drink less at our gatherings, and my husband to cut his consumption in half (as someone who already didn't drink much). It's given my stepfather and I something to connect over, as a person who enjoys non-alcoholic options even as a person who enjoys the occasional wine or beer.
And my kids are growing up with much healthier family gatherings than I ever did. May their memories be richer and healthier than mine.
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u/coledoubtside3 6h ago
IWNDWYY and now I must acquire this hot chocolate! “Bronconious ready my steed”
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u/wediealone 1d ago
My parents have been drinking sparkling water with me at dinner instead of the usual glasses of wine because, in my moms words: they want to help me and if taking it away helps me then they’ll be right there with me. My parents are awesome. Here’s to a sober Boxing Day and near year!