r/antiwork • u/AshBasil • Oct 07 '24
Rant š”š¢ Welp, I'm pissed
I work in a group home for disabled clients. At a house meeting a few months ago, my boss said something transphobic so a coworker and I (both trans) walked out of the meeting.
After walking-out, I texted her and politely let her know that it wasn't appropriate, which she was very coy about. Instead of growing as a person and doing better, she talked shit about me to (at least one) coworker, who proceeded to make a fake Facebook account and attack me online.
Because of this, I reported her to admin and HR, who promised they handled the issue. That's whatever, but this coworker is being such a dick that it's making work a very toxic environment.
Then tonight comes around (I work graveyards) and my shift partner called out for the evening for a medical emergency. Boss did not even try to find me relief and when I called her thismorning to ask if I would get any help with the hardest part of my shift, she caught herself in a lie and lied further. She said she didn't think that she could find anyone that late and then said that she couldn't get anyone that late. Multiple coworkers have let me know they were never contacted and that they totally would have helped me.
I'm so done with her bullshit.
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u/StashedandPainless Oct 07 '24
I work in a group home for disabled clients
My advice to you is to get the ever living fuck out of this field while you still can. Trust me. Even if you think you make a good wage, even if you enjoy the work, run. run very fast. trust me. I made the mistake of "working my way up" in this field. I'm a director now and I hate everything about my job, but I can't do anything else because this is where all my experience is.
The unprofessionalism that you described exists in some form in just about every residential care company. I'm not excusing your managers transphobia, but they are likely also overworked and underpaid and forced to deal with all kinds of toxic BS. Being on call 24/7 destroys you. Taking sick calls in the middle of the night and needing to beg someone else to come in and work destroys you. Dealing with the unrealistic expectations of regulators, families, corporate bosses, and other staff destroys you. Always needing to be questioned and prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you're doing things the right way destroys you. Working in residential destroys people. Thats what this kind of job does, destroys you.
The entire human services system is based on blame. Everything is about making sure there is someone to blame if something goes wrong. The way we do that is by placing unrealistic expectations on every level of the totem pole.
Trust me, working in this system is hell. Get out while you can
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u/MarsupialPristine677 Oct 07 '24
This is wise advice. Speaking as a disabled person. The whole system is fucked and Iāve seen it damage pretty much everyone who stays in contact with it for too long. Iām sorry youāre trapped in the field.
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Oct 08 '24
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u/StashedandPainless Oct 08 '24
Yep. I was a director of a company that took care of these same kinds of people. I wasn't even the one getting hit, but I was still sending underpaid staff (I worked for a national company) into the fire. I took those calls from staff, families, and neighbors everyday. I too turned to alcohol and thought about other methods of escape.
Residential burns you.
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u/AshBasil Oct 09 '24
My place of employment is a non-profit organization, and I am in a union, so at least that is something. But I understand the depression. From transphobic employees, violent residents, graveyard shifts for the past year... I also want to disappear.
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Oct 09 '24
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u/neallwest Oct 09 '24
People aren't entitled to beliefs like other kinds of people shouldn't exist or that they're inferior. Those beliefs are evil and shouldn't be tolerated in a civilized society.
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u/SarahTeechz Oct 13 '24
Sadly, in America, they absolutely are entitled to those beliefs...and they are constitutionally protected, evil or not. It's why we still see the idiot clan marching happily along.
Saying they shouldn't be tolerated actually puts us in the very same boat they are in, and we are better than that.
One of the greatest and scariest aspects of America is our belief in freedom of thought and speech. It protects us from being controlled, much like the citizens were controlled in Germany during WW2. But in having that freedom, it also means we have to recognize that some people will believe and say ridiculous things.
We don't have to react. We don't have to even feel anything when they say them. We can shake our heads, roll our eyes, and move on with the business of reality.
That.. is how we win.
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u/neallwest Oct 14 '24
I defer to Karl Popper, who I feel said it best: "Less well known [than other paradoxes] is the paradox of tolerance: Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them. In this formulation, I do not imply, for instance, that we should always suppress the utterance of intolerant philosophies; as long as we can counter them by rational argument and keep them in check by public opinion, suppression would certainly be most unwise. But we should claim the right to suppress them if necessary even by force; for it may easily turn out that they are not prepared to meet us on the level of rational argument, but begin by denouncing all argument; they may forbid their followers to listen to rational argument, because it is deceptive, and teach them to answer arguments by the use of their fists or pistols. We should therefore claim, in the name of tolerance, the right not to tolerate the intolerant. We should claim that any movement preaching intolerance places itself outside the law and we should consider incitement to intolerance and persecution as criminal, in the same way as we should consider incitement to murder, or to kidnapping, or to the revival of the slave trade, as criminal."
Ā https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox_of_tolerance (Proposed solutions)
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u/SarahTeechz Oct 14 '24
This seems like philosophical word scrabble soup to me...I apologize. My most recent encephalopathy renders my mind less able to wrap itself around such things.
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u/neallwest Oct 15 '24
He's basically saying that there should be a limit as to how far ideas and calls to action should be allowed because if there isn't, then anything goes (racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, bigotry, religious-based discrimination, etc.).
He went on to say that if they (intolerant people - racists/bigots/fascist/etc.) don't respond to rational debate, actual physical force might be necessary to stop them from taking the next step and acting on their anti-civil ideas.
The reason that the Nazis, a relatively small group, were able to seize control of Germany, is because there was not enough organized opposition to them. They took advantage of the kind-hearted tolerance of the rest of German society and coerced andĀ eventuallyĀ forced people to commit evil acts that were previously considered to be unthinkable.
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u/SarahTeechz Oct 15 '24
There was more to it in Germany. Any opposition had to be in secret, as there was no allowable place for dissenting opinion. In the case of the Nazis, dissenting opinion would be what I consider the voice of reason. However, that's my opinion.
The problem with
Don't respond to rational debate, actual physical force might be necessary to stop them from taking the next step and acting on their anti-civil ideas.
It takes a leap to determine when a person's lack of response poses a true threat to actual action. We can't just assume that every bigot plans to act on their stupidity. This is why our legal system has protections in place for people so that they can not be charged prior to their committing any actual crime. Thought isn't a crime. Opinion isn't a crime. Stupidity isn't a crime. Bigotry isn't a crime. Racism isn't a crime. The actions that can follow such things can be crimes. But we can not assume someone is going to commit an action prior to their doing so.
It is also interesting that he is basically saying there should be a limit to how much tolerance should be afforded that which we perceive as intolerant.
He's basically saying that there should be a limit as to how far ideas and calls to action should be allowed because if there isn't, then anything goes (racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, bigotry, religious-based discrimination, etc.).
Ie, how much it should be...tolerated. I find that curious.
I find it absurd that we should become anticivil out of fear that someone else might become anticivil due to their ideas.
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u/neallwest Oct 15 '24
When racism is allowed without sufficient opposition, things like the Black Wall Street Massacre in Tulsa, OK, will happen. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulsa_race_massacre
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u/SarahTeechz Oct 15 '24
There is disdain for racism by absolutely most people. We are no where near the times of The Tulsa issue, though that public response does actually remind me of Germany.
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u/SarahTeechz Oct 15 '24
If it is your current view that our race relations are in any way similar to that, I fear we have no rational point of discussion.
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u/CharmyLah Oct 08 '24
This is 100% true.
I managed a group home years ago, and the toxic environment of nonprofit management destroyed my physical and mental health.
I loved the residents, but human services as a field of work is so fucked.
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u/StashedandPainless Oct 08 '24
Yeah...I came from an incredibly large toxic company that destroyed my mental health. I'm working for a much smaller and more ethical company now but the burnout is still creeping in.
Working in this field, you go to work everyday knowing that you will fail. Its impossible to cure the residents of what ails them. Its impossible to assuage the anxiety and guilt that the families feel for not having their child live with them. Its impossible to solve every problem that the often very underpaid staff have. Every single thing you are supposed to do is supposedly super important, and if you don't do it its considered neglect which is really bad. But the entire system is based on blame and passing fault. So nobody can ever tell you that you're doing everything you're supposed to do correctly. Because if they do and theres a problem down the line, they could be blamed. So instead all you ever get is negative corrective feedback from everyone. You go to work everyday knowing you're going to be "comitting neglect" everyday because if you arent committing neglect, than someone other than you could be blamed for a potential future problem, and we just can't have that.
You know that every single thing you do will be analyzed, questioned, and second guessed by people who are supposedly experts but have 0 clue about what you do everyday and more importantly, 0 investment in the case. You will deal with staff, families, case workers, government entitites, neighbors, corporate bosses, so on so forth. Each and every one of them will have the same mindset: "I know you're busy, but I don't care. my priority is more important than theres, and I will make your life hell if you dont drop what you're doing and focus on my problem first".
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u/OptimusPrimeval Oct 08 '24
I feel like this is kind of in every industry, though. Bring it deeper, to its roots. Capitalism will destroy you.
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u/chegitz_guevara Oct 07 '24
That fucking sucks. Can you get a lawyer? Cuz this seems like clear gender harassment and creating a toxic work environment.
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u/AshBasil Oct 07 '24
I probably could, but I'm also worried about loss of financial stability if I rock the boat too much.
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u/-GrnDZer0- Oct 07 '24
Unless there's more than one bigot in the company higher-ups, if they tried to fire you you could sue for discrimination (assuming US). Boss could continue to make life unpleasant for you for awhile, until they slip up and do something else more documentable and reportable.
If multiple admin bigots are covering for each other bigots' misdeeds, you want to find a new place of employment anyway cause you're already on a chopping block list just by being you.
Forcing you to work solo was 100% intentional thorn in your side. And that's juuuust the beginning.
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u/AshBasil Oct 07 '24
That's what I don't get. Admin is a gay man, and is pro-everything LGBT. My boss is a gay woman. Apparently he talked to her sternly about the transphobia, but didn't touch on the other part - the fact that her talking shit has had negative repercussions in the group home.
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u/-GrnDZer0- Oct 07 '24
My son is trans, and it amazes me how many people in the LGB don't care about/for the T.
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u/Standard-Reception90 Oct 07 '24
This is proof that the christofascist propaganda actually works. It's the same reason so many MAGAts vote against their own interests. They're really good and persistent with their propaganda while we sit back and say, "no one will fall for this crap without real proof". Yet, when the proof of priest pedophilia is shown to them they deflect and yell louder about the LGBT community.
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Oct 08 '24
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u/antiwork-ModTeam Oct 09 '24
Discriminatory language towards others is prohibited. This includes racist, sexist, transphobic, and other such language.
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u/Chance_Comment_4888 Oct 08 '24
Just wanna say this lez cares about trans. Tbh, I would probably identify as pan, but I literally have zero use/interest in straight men. š¤· I am very fortunate in that my new job is very lgbt friendly and has a zero tolerance policy for any type of harrassment from the top down.
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u/AshBasil Oct 07 '24
It's astonishing. Apparently said boss outed my coworker (the other trans one) to everyone who works in the group home before he started working here.
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u/Can-Chas3r43 Oct 07 '24
No, they don't. And to me as a bi woman...I just say out of all of it now because I don't get it.
It's really sad, TBH.
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u/shoulda-known-better Oct 07 '24
I mean it would suck short term but them retaliateing against you would just up the claim against them.... Plus make sure you find a lawyer who will sue for their court costs also so your not stuck paying for a lawyer you should have never needed!!! My hubby is a lawyer so trust me there out there
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u/Sharp-Introduction75 Oct 08 '24
What state does he practice in? Most people never find an attorney to represent them, much less what they can afford.
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u/shoulda-known-better Oct 08 '24
He is licensed to practice in New England all but VT.... He mostly does mass, conn, and RI but has the ability to practice in Maine and NH also....
I am not sure if he actually can't or just doesn't do VT.... He has also helped out in courts up and down the east coast because his sister lawfirm has a wider practice...
I dont really understand your statement though? What do you mean cant find a lawyer?? Yes I know it can get expensive especially if your looking for experience but a ton of defensive lawyers especially those who take on personal injury cases will work up front on the basis that they know or assume they will win.... If no one is taking the case then it's probably because the case isn't that solid sadly
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u/SarahTeechz Oct 13 '24
This is frustrating to me. People can't get help from lawyers because they are essentially gambling the outcome. Without adamned near 100% outcome in their favor, they turn their backs on people who need help, who are equally, if not moreso injured. Jeez, it's like the lawyers become an injuring party to the tune of 30%.
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u/Sharp-Introduction75 Oct 09 '24
Oh, I thought you were talking about employment attorneys. There's no problems with finding an injury attorney, especially on contingency.Ā
OP posted about a coworker who called out for a medical emergency. It doesn't sound like OP was injured.
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u/duane11583 Oct 07 '24
You went to HR - goto HR again, and simply state: You did not solve the problem. I consider this "constructive dismissal" and I consider this a "hostile work place" - and "you (HR) are doing nothing about out"
Find a Laywer and make them pay.
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u/warhammerfrpgm Oct 07 '24
To protect yourself. Document every tiny bit of this. That is step 1. Before all the other advice do that. From there HR, health board, and a lawyer are all good advice. Just never forget to protect yourself with documentation.
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u/battlecripple Oct 07 '24
Screenshots of the Facebook harassment with time stamps too, in case they delete it
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u/tfcocs Oct 07 '24
The most immediate concern is the welfare of the patients. By failing to find coverage to help you out on your shift, your facility most likely failed to meet standard of care staffing ratio requirements. Piggybacking on what others have said, (US based) options include: contacting Adult Protective Services, the Department of Health, and State based licensing boards. You should also contact OSHA as soon as possible because you were placed in an unsafe working environment.
As for the other issues, ie the Facebook issue and the manager's behavior, that is definitely an issue for HR. If you are in the US, your state may have a Human Relations Commission that tackles these very issues. You might also consider looking for legal advice from law projects (not for profit firms that specialize in advocating for social policy initiatives).
Good luck!
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u/m_c_d_a_n_g_e_r Oct 07 '24
I feel for you. This job is so toxic and it's usually the management before it's the individuals. I want to say quit and never look back. And one day I will too
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u/Honky_Stonk_Man Oct 07 '24
Sounds like another complaint to put on her record. Remember, HR has a responsibility to the company first. Any complaint you make has to be in the mindset of it creating liability for the company or revenue lost. HR will usually side with a manager unless it creates potential loss for the company.
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u/Predator04 Oct 07 '24
Just remember HR isn't there for you they are there for the company. This sucks. But ya he is the last resort. They will end up firing you if it makes sense to get rid of you vs them
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u/CringeCityBB Oct 07 '24
I'm confused. How do you know that the coworker who is attacking you got the info from the manager? Like do you have proof the manager talked shit to the co-worker and was involved in some way in making this account to harass you?
If there's some kind of proof, might be worth going to a lawyer. If it's just conjecture, is it possible the manager is just an idiot who doesn't want to admit to micro aggressions?
Might just be worth finding a new place at this point cuz these people sound crazy.
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u/AshBasil Oct 07 '24
That's an issue. I brought the situation up to the boss directly and then was threatened about it online via a fake account. It was either 1 - the boss, or 2 - the coworker who began actively hating me and making work a toxic environment after that moment. It's easy to infer that it's one of them.
Either way you look at it, however, the boss fucked up big time. The two of them are very close and she either attacked me or he did after she told him about it. Nobody else who works in the group home is that stupid.
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u/CringeCityBB Oct 07 '24
But wouldn't the co-worker know about it because you got up and walked out after something was said? Like, I don't have any idea what was said, but I would think it's obvious that whatever was said was a trans issue when the two trans people get up and leave after it was said in front of everyone.
I dunno, you know it still might be worth talking to a lawyer because you never know what stupid things someone will say when being questioned by an attorney. But they usually want things to be pretty unquestionable. It's hard to get a manager in trouble for what another person does. But hr refusing to do anything is pretty significant.
Might also be that the manager just confided in this person that you confronted them and the manager wanted some kind of "oh, you didn't say anything bad" but the co-worker took it to the next level for political belief reasons.
Either way, no one should be harassed at their job. Sorry this is going on. I know how stressful it is and how shitty it makes your life from personal experience!
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u/Maj0rsquishy Oct 07 '24
Contact HR about the dereliction of her duties and how it endangered the clients. Especially since it also is targeting you.
Start looking for a new position if you can and you may want to also talk with a lawyer about your title IX lawsuit if you're in the US.
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u/No_Consideration3145 Oct 07 '24
Ugh, I hate transphobes at work. During the pandemic I had a job where we were all still telecommuting, but we would all have a brief staff meeting on Zoom to divide up the work every morning. Well, ignorant mid-level manager gets going on transphobic bullshit with ignorant low-level manager, and they go back and forth for a good few minutes because some policies are changing to be more trans-friendly.
Now I would be mad about this regardless, but it also happens that my oldest child is transgender. I was too gob-smacked to say anything at the moment, and we weren't on camera so they didn't realize I was upset. But I made sure to confront them both the next day. They were both all "wow, I don't remember what was said, but I am sorry." Which thanks - but we shouldn't be in this situation where you would HAVE to apologize. Also, they may not remember what was said but I could give it to you line by line to this very day.
Ignorant low-level manager used to make fun of one coworker's accent, too - she was from South America. Mid-level manager, high-level manager, and HR were all aware of that. They did nothing.
It was very satisfying to leave that place behind. My current workplace is very queer-friendly, and I spent the next June wearing rainbow every single day for Pride Month.
I also later heard from another coworker that ignorant low-level manager was bitching about me later, saying I was on their "shit list." 1) You are on MY shit list, to the point that 2) I have spoken to HR and the union about you, 3) you are saying that to a brand new employee you are actively training, WTF is wrong with you?
You know, just, fuck that boss of yours. I know what people get paid to work in those residences, and it isn't enough for the basic level of work that is asked of you. You CERTAINLY aren't getting paid enough to also put up with her bullshit (because numbers don't go that high).
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u/honeynuthimbo Oct 07 '24
I work in the same industry (just in a day program) , and we have several trans people (myself included) on the staff team. We've had a few problems with transphobic coworkers. It took until the 3rd incident and a new director to get one of them fired. I'm in California, so being transphobic in the workplace is illegal. Once HR heard about it, they were here and let her go within 3 hours. I'm not sure how it is in other states (or outside the US), but I would see what protections you have and then go above HR if you have to.
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u/battlecripple Oct 07 '24
When it comes to a manager having action taken against them, I have no faith. I put up with some incredibly bold ableism from a manager continually for a decade and the retaliation over reporting got so bad and nothing ever improved. Your situation unfortunately carries a far higher risk of violence and my heart goes out to you. I truly hope you're able to easily switch to a new job at a place that recognizes your value if you aren't able to remedy this problem.
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u/Background_Stick6687 Oct 07 '24
š¤ this is a tough one. I think you have two choices. 1. Realize that this boss is not on your side and doesnāt like youā¦ which is life cause not everyone at my work likes me either. And deal with this reality without caring, like I do 2. Find another Job that is more accepting of otherās differences and that are more open minded.
If you choose the latter, please find a new job first so you can manage your finances and wonāt suffer financially. Best of luck š¤
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u/ElectricGarza Oct 08 '24
Thank you for sharing. Iām so sorry you are going through this. I truly wish the absolute best future for you and to find a workplace that treats you with humanity and respect. The work I imagine you are doing is not easy and takes a special skill set. I get a sense from the comments that people believe there is some safety net or proper āpolicingā when it comes to care environments. Depending on what state you are in, (Iām fully assuming you are in the states), dictates the response of APS, DHHS, Ombudsman. Iāve worked in various human services and have seen horrible things. When I got past the fear of reporting I found out just how much energy is put into blame or inability to actually do something. Also, the transphobia that exists in communities that some would not assume is a problem. Itās a problem.
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u/Kstram Oct 08 '24
This actually sounds somewhat criminally negligent to the group residents. If something happens that should come down on her neck. Document everything.Ā
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u/rvb_gobq Oct 09 '24
document & send it all to hr... & to whatever state agency monitors disability/group homes
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Oct 08 '24
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u/antiwork-ModTeam Oct 09 '24
Discriminatory language towards others is prohibited. This includes racist, sexist, transphobic, and other such language.
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u/MistressOfChaos98 Oct 09 '24
Nothing new in this industry. I called our āemergency beeperā number 5x in one night, nobody ever answered. I was sick and had projectile diarrhea. I finally got my supervisor to answer the phone. She told me to sit on a pad and wait for 5-6 hours until it was time for someone to relieve me. I was expected to pass meds and provide client care while covered in poo. I called āemergency beeperā again a few weeks later. A client had been vomiting constantly for several hours. I wanted to take him to the hospital and get him checked out. I was told that beeper couldnāt find staff (beeper never tried), so I had to keep the client home and NOT get him checked out. He was taken to the hospital later the next day. Had a three day stay and multiple procedures. I also called beeper again a few weeks after that. I was having difficulty breathing and was on my way to the hospital. I was told I ācouldnāt go to the hospitalā because beeper ādidnāt think they could find staffā. Now beeper bitches that Iām being rude whenever I call. Rude? Really?
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u/AshBasil Oct 09 '24
Holy shit I'm sorry that you experienced that. My work is normally fairly good at finding coverage but not always. For instance, last Tuesday I had a dental procedure done and my boss couldn't find anyone to cover my shift. I actually think she tried that time lol.
I spent the shift with a bloody mouth, gauze picked into a hole, and all high on painkillers because of it. Not fun. Luckily on that day I wasn't alone.
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u/Alli-Glass321 Oct 13 '24
Call an employment attorney ASAP!
HR IS NOT THERE FOR YOU!!!
HR WORKS FOR THE COMPANY NOT YOU!
HR has a primary job to protect the company & limit the company's liability.
Get a consultation with at least 3 employment attorneys and find out what you can do. If your co-worker testifies with you then you have a stronger case.
Try to get texts and emails from your boss regarding everything that's happening. You need written proof to take her to court. If your co-worker has incriminating evidence in email & texts then you both have a strong case for a lawsuit.
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Oct 07 '24
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u/antiwork-ModTeam Oct 08 '24
Discriminatory language towards others is prohibited. This includes racist, sexist, transphobic, and other such language.
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u/204BooYouWhore Oct 07 '24
While I 100% sympathize with you, if you're going to call her out for transphobic remarks, maybe don't call her a dick. Many other options of words to use.
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Oct 07 '24
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u/AshBasil Oct 07 '24
Yeah, I'm not going to have this discussion with you. You've been too indoctrinated with Trump's bullshit to think critically. Do something productive other than troll online.
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u/antiwork-ModTeam Oct 08 '24
This user has been banned for making comments that breaks various rules.
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u/De_bitterbal Oct 07 '24
She is refusing to do the work she is paid for, and endangering the residents. Contact HR