I deleted the "Parenting Time Calendar" last week. Custody is officially OVER. We made it! No more pickups! No more facilitating BM's and SD's relationship!

BM has been panicking about this for months. She relied heavily on my SO to keep her informed, even though she has the same access to the same information as we do. She would demand SO and SD tell her everything about everything, and when they didn't want to she would accuse them of hiding something. She will actually have to read her emails now. Crazy!

BM is also afraid that SD is not going to want to visit her anymore because they have a chaotic relationship. BM has relied on SO to mediate her relationship with SD and facilitate visits. She has asked him what the "new plan" will be, because she is hoping for his continued efforts in facilitating visitations. There is no plan. Duh. BM will have to actually try and work on her own relationship with SD, and that means forcing SD to visit won't go over well anymore. If SD doesn't want to to go then our front door is locked. Not sorry!

It has been 14 years. This new chapter is weird and exciting. Let's goo!

Well, I officially ended our engagement a week ago. I finally admitted to myself that no matter how much I tried, I wasn’t going to be okay not having a child of our own or at least try to. My ex gave me an ultimatum: figure out if I can live without a child of my own and not have regret or resentment or move on. Just as she tried to “want to want a child” with me, I wanted to not want with her. I told her I honestly don’t know if I could accept it. As of now, I could not. She worries that her kids have been getting close to me and the effect on them if I stayed too long and then left.

A couple that we often double date with and are the same age as us, are expecting a child even though one already has a child from a previous marriage. A friend of mine just announced they are expecting a second child. At our age, now is the last opportunity for couples to have a child safely. I know it will bother me and I’ll continue to feel sad about not having a child of our own.

What makes this even tougher is I do love her kids. We’ve been growing close. They are still young and this is a great opportunity for a step-parent. Also, if we have a child, all three kids would be fairly close in age. That time frame is slipping away.

The relationship was 90% great. But the child thing is just something I can’t accept. It hurts too much to be a “parent” and not get to also experience the joy of watching my own biological child grow up. Every time she celebrated something about her kids that was a biological trait passed down from her, it stung me. I can’t expect someone not to recognize those things about their children. And at the end of the day, they are her children. They have a dad who is active in their lives. To expect me to feel the same fulfillment that she and her ex get, just isn’t realistic. 

I realized I was having an identity crisis. I’ve been single most of my life and lived a life full of hobbies and other things. That changed with this relationship. That wasn’t a bad thing. I found myself in “parent” mode a lot and I couldn’t just switch it off. My life revolved around the relationship and the kids. I was fine with it and enjoyed it, but I want to do it while also having a child of our own. I tried to reengage with my old self as a way to counteract the hole in my heart regarding a child. I realized I can’t live a dual life though.

During the breakup, she said she wanted to hold off on telling the kids our engagement was over in case things changed. She said something about having time to think and process. I believe she was talking about herself. That being said, she made it clear that she was never going to have another child. So I don’t know what can honestly change. We agreed to talk to the kids together. She saw the kids for the first time in almost a week yesterday. Last night she messaged me to say she already talked to the kids. They had a lot of questions since all my stuff was gone. Her son (7) asked if we were still getting married and she said we are not sure. She told me her son was mad at her. I asked if I could come by and talk to the kids and let them know I love them and that this is no one’s fault. We agreed on Monday.

Part of me wants nothing more than for things to go back to normal, but I think it is too late. How do we ever rebuild? One of us must change our position and I don’t see that happening. Feelings come in waves. One moment or day I am sad and want her and the kids back. The next I am upset and wish I could find someone tomorrow. In some way, we feel like the other gave up on us. I feel hurt that she can’t have a child out of love with me, but had one out of a desire for a child at a certain time with her abusive ex. She feels like I am (in her words) giving up on her and the kids “for something that doesn’t and will NEVER exist.”

Anyway, I am just venting at this point. I wish I could take time off of work to unpack and get my apartment in order. I have so little time at home.

hi everyone, so i made a post on here around a week or so ago regarding an ultimatum my boyfriend gave me (can check my post history if you want more info). i ended up getting a lot of feedback from you all and most of it telling me to leave and others asking for updates regarding the situation. so i just left a few hours ago! he ended up passing out and i went through his phone and old phone and ended up finding out he has been cheating on me pretty much our entire relationship. i quietly packed some of my stuff and was able to have my mother pick me up. me and him have been staying with his parents and i’ve been having to pay his bills while being there. he has court in a few hours so im gonna be going there while he is gone to get the rest of my stuff. thank you to everyone that gave me advice and shared input regarding my situation, it was and still is very appreciated!

It felt like a punch to the gut, but I wasn’t surprised. Today’s court ruling just confirmed what I already knew—his ex will continue to control the schedule, leaving me with barely any of his time and attention.

For two years, I was reassured that when court came, things would get more balanced. But it’s only gotten worse.

He's been "playing nice" with his ex, hoping she'd be reasonable, but she blindsided him in court today, slandering him. I told him long ago to stop bending over backward for her, but he didn’t listen.

The resentment between us has grown as he continued to sacrifice for her, even though she’s with the man she cheated on him with. This week alone, he’s accommodated her by taking the kids extra days—despite it not being his time, the day before court—just to keep the peace.

Her lawyer is pushing for two years of back child support, which means he’ll be working more to pay, leaving even less time for us. The schedule she dictated remains the same: he gets the kids Tuesday overnight and Friday to Sunday every week, with only one “weekend” off a month as per her demands—just one day, not even a full weekend. She takes them from Saturday 7 pm to Sunday evening, but he still has them weekly Friday overnight to Saturday at 7pm.

It’s clear there’s no room for our relationship to grow. His ex dominates every aspect of his life, and I’m left to fit into whatever crumbs are left.

At this point, it feels beyond repair. I frequently feel neglected, overlooked, and un-prioritized.

If I could give one piece of advice when it comes to dating a man with children, it would be: Avoid it at all costs. You’ll lose a lot. End of story. 💔

I’m moving out next week.

I’m childfree. Every second I get closer to freedom from this life is making me so giddy I can’t even contain my excitement.

It’s going to be weird, and different, and lonely at times.. but I’ve become a shell of my true self being a stepmom. There are truly zero upsides to living with a man who has young kids.

And I’m so proud of myself for making the difficult decision to leave and get my TRUE self back again.

♥️♥️♥️

Here is the previous thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/meB4ytOJsP

First of all, I want to sincerely thank the people of this subreddit for pulling my head out of the sand and making me face reality as it is currently. You have made this decision so much easier to make and bear for me, so for that I thank you.

We ended up talking about it one final time. And I noticed a few things I reaaaally did not like.

I ended up finding BM on facebook. Family members were asking her up to 6-7 weeks ago how the child was doing, when it will be due. Even the gender was known. So either he has been lying out his ass to me and was aware, or she has kept it a secret from him and only informed him when it was too late.

I tell him straight up that no, i'm 22, I'm finishing my masters' degree soon and I cannot and will not give up my life in my home country to accomodate to someone else's mistake. This is where he kind of switches from the rational person he was before and starts bargaining with me, says that this doesn't mean we can't have a family and we will be able to experience things like this in the future when we have our own. I simply cannot get over the fact that he has a newborn on the way and those take SO much work.

I felt like he didn't quite understand the gravity of the situation that comes with having to co-parent a newborn with an ex who he claims "he can't have a relationship with anymore because his heart isn't in it anymore and he wants me". I don't think he understands that his time, his resources, will never be solely his again. He's geographically bound to her. And don't get me wrong, he's doing exactly what he should be doing which is stepping up for that child he had part in bringing in this world, but expecting me to give everything up to be with him just isn't fair or just towards me. I will never fault him for choosing to be a present father, I admire him for it, but that also means he can't have the future he wanted with me.

He keeps saying it isn't fair, why would I be back in his life after so long just to be taken away, that he will always be waiting for me, that he loves me etc. I kept my reasoning straight, that I could not be a stepmom at this time in my life, not when on top of that I would need to leave my parents, my friends, my support system behind to only have him when I make the international move

So when I repeat my statement again, that i CANNOT ruin my own life for a choice he made, he says something I found to be quite manipulative "so i'll just need to accept I won't ever find anyone again?". “So i’ll just be alone forever then?”

I hate it that he's played on my emotions so much. I've surrounded myself with my best girl-friends and family for support, I will be throwing myself into my studies and my future, because I truly believe it will be bright. I will be okay.

Sooooo…. Update.

I broke up with my partner yesterday. I had some time away (was on a trip abroad for over a month) and finally worked up the courage to let him know that I don’t want to do this anymore. I want a child of my own, and he doesn’t want to provide that (after everything, I don’t even want to have a kid with him) and I can’t just be a step parent to his kids if we are not having our own- I just don’t get any satisfaction out of it I’m sorry. I have put my entire life on hold for over 2 years. Life felt so small and like I had no choice in anything. Living where he has to live due to divorce agreement, having the kids 100% of the time, dealing with his exs constant BS, feeling last on his list of priorities… it truly made me lose myself. But anyways, I move out next week and while I am feeling emotional, I am excited. I already have a place to live lined up and a job (both out of state, made arrangements before I told him). For those going through something similar, when you’re ready you’ll know. Listen to your heart. You are strong enough to make the changes you need to be happy. Sending everyone love 🩵 and probably need a little support here as well.

Today my husband signed and incredible contract in our home town starting in November.

5 years I've lived in this place I don't know a soul. 5 years I have lived in the debris of this failed family dictating the happiness of an intact family.

I have spent my pregnancy and 1st year of motherhood living in this debris, but no more.

It's finally becoming real. He's signed on the dot, house is going on the market and finally he has stopped putting his nuclear family chronically on the back burner.

I've never felt more hopeful x

Edit: Sorry for the confusion caused by using the term nuclear family. I simply mean the intact family that exists within our stepfamily. It's hell always putting having an equal 50/50 ahead of the happiness of the other 3 members of our family of 4.

We lose 40 nights a year until high school and that sacrifice on my husands and SS behalf isn't lost on me at all.

I love my SS a lot and we great relationship 99% of the time.

Hello all, a little update for you. As most of y’all have probably read my previous posts or comments, I recently left a relationship with a man with 2 kids and an “ours baby”. Lots of problems in the relationship mainly due to his unrealistic expectations of “loving” children than aren’t your own, who don’t particularly want anything to do with you & who you’ve not known for very long. Additionally, the lack of space and respect for a newly postpartum mother, the division of labour piece, shared finances etc all are issues as well. He kept pushing for couples counselling so we finally attended an appointment together. After he aired all his grievances and me mine, the counsellor proceeded to tell him ~ “you have 3 kids, she has 1. Do your kids have an active mother present in their lives?” To which he responded yes. “Well, they have a mother. She is not your children’s mother. She has a baby, one child that she is the mother to, it’s very different for her, there’s a biological bond with her baby that cannot be replicated” etc etc etc. Finally, someone talking sense into this man! As I’ve mentioned before, usually for single dad’s, respecting/caring about their children is NOT ENOUGH as it doesn’t serve their purpose to not have an involved “stepmom” figure who “loves” them. I’m not sure about y’all but being forced to love someone usually doesn’t work like that. If a bond is not pushed onto us, it MAY come eventually or it may not. After all, we didn’t birth those kids. I’ve always treated his children with respect and kindness but I’m sorry if that doesn’t equate to wanting to spend all my free time together 🤷🏻‍♀️ anyways just wanted to share that with yall! It’s about time I’ve felt validated other than on here!

*final words

Hi all,

For anyone that followed my saga. The short of it is my ex fiancée has two kids from an abusive marriage. Told me she was open to kids until a week after I gave up my apartment. The conversation finally ended today with.

“You can be an amazing stepdad to two kids who f”(£ing love you. Instead you're throwing something real and breathing away for a longing”

“There is not a compromise. So we just need to move on”

With a grand finale of “If at some point being a biological dad is no longer a priority for you, you have my number”

It took every ounce of restraint I had not to reply to that. She was not only dismissive of my feelings but I felt as though she was mocking me for wanting a biological child when she already has two that I can be a step dad to. Mind you, their father has 50% custody and is actively in their lives.

I’ve never been more hurt and felt so belittled in my life.

I definitely didn’t expect to do it on Christmas Day, but he wanted answers for my distance and I had put it off long enough. I think he is taking it okay, but it has been emotional. We are figuring out plans and doing things quickly to not drag it out. The kids are still with us, though we had most of today alone while they went to their mom’s. Neither of us have any idea how to tell them and that’s my biggest worry right now. It looks like I’ll be moving “home” until September which really sucks. I would appreciate any positive words or advice. I know we’re making the right decision, but it’s scary.

so i joined this group as i was dating a man with kids and wanted to get some insight on being a stepparent. it didn’t take long for problems to arise with his ex (not the mother of his kids, just recent ex he let get too close to his kids/says they’re hers)

she’s been nothing but disrespectful and out of line since we started seeing each other, and he always let her do and say whatever she wanted, getting defensive of her when id say i was uncomfortable with that. he also is always using his kids as an excuse for everything.

long story short we took a break because some things need to change (don’t want to post too many details as it’s oddly specific lol) and things have only gotten worse. this girl is borderline harassing me now over a man im not with, talking shit about me in front of our (mine and now-ex) mutual friends while he just sits there and lets her. it’s so clear to me i’m not respected and quite frankly, i deserve WAY better than that. here’s to letting go!🥂

anyways, i understand if im expected to leave the group but i do still like to read the posts and comments, i’ve gotten a lot of great advice from this sub

i wish you all a happy holiday and to anyone that’s going through something i hope things start to get better and align for you❤️

I made the difficult decision to leave my relationship. My ex SO? Love of my life and fantastic partner when it’s just he and I. Add literally anyone else to the mix? Disaster strikes. Thank you to this sub for opening my eyes and for all of the advice and support the people on here provide - you are all treasures.

If you’re feeling iffy and debating leaving, I’m going to repost something I read here awhile ago (and wish I would’ve acted upon sooner):

If you do not have a partner who is fully committed to the relationship, including your happiness, and does not prioritize you: leave. If you have clearly communicated your wants and needs and they only offer words without actions or improvement: go now.

For 9 months I made compromise after compromise, tried my best to help him see the error of his guilty/permissive parenting ways, tried to get him to set boundaries with his BM so that she would stop taking advantage of him all to no avail. He kept saying the mostly right things and I kept hoping change was around the corner. But remember: the best apology is changed behavior. Change has to be consistent and lasting (not saying there can’t be mistakes because we’re all human).

My final straw was that the narcissistic remarried HCBM who I knew would be an issue once I moved back insisted that she was going to meet me whether I wanted to or not (I had no desire to meet her, parenting is to be done between the two BPs which does not involve me, she’s manipulative and I especially did not want to after she kept demanding it) which would consist of her barging in uninvited and trespassing in the house. I told my now ex-SO that I would call the cops if that were to happen as I have no intention of meeting her and no intention of feeling unsafe without consequences. Who trespasses just to say hi? I don’t trust her for a second. Met with silence. Later that evening, I told him it would make me feel safe if he would set the boundary with her that she is not welcome in his house and that if she tried to trespass, he would be notifying the police. That I didn’t have to meet her if I didn’t want to (which he had agreed was true to my face). He didn’t feel comfortable doing that because of how she’d take it and the kids being there so I didn’t feel comfortable staying there any longer. Last again.

Steps - be with someone who puts you first. All this “the kids come first” nonsense is utter bullshit. That’s the main reason this sub exists. Bios not knowing how to do that or even wanting to and then jumping into a relationship or marriage or God forbid having another child with unsuspecting, good hearted people who they treat like second class citizens in their own relationship/home. Second, third, fourth, or just dead last to anyone else in the dynamic. If it feels off, if you’re not getting your needs met, if you are constantly being put on the back burner and only being respected and appreciated when it’s convenient to the BP?

Save yourself. Love yourself. Choose yourself. We all deserve true happiness and equal partnership. To be treated like the kings and queens we are for all of the love, effort, time, money, and devotion we lavish on these families. Because we’re worth it.

To those who can make it work and are happy? God bless y’all! It’s a really beautiful thing when actual blending happens.

Much love ❤️

Have been active in this group for a while and very appreciative of your comments and advice, thank you very much. We have decided to go our separate ways. Today I gathered up as many things as I could fit into the taxi and have gone back to my mums for now, until I get my own place. Will need to pop back here and there to collect the rest of my things, and agree divorce settlement as we both own the home. It’s all a bit of a shock but overall I feel like I’ve done the right thing, my family says as much. I’m 29 and hopefully have many happier years ahead of me, years I won’t need to spend being snapped at, feeling unappreciated and like an outsider. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to write out all the issues we had been having in this post, but it’s all there in my previous posts in case any of you care to see.

Very excited to have some freedom, look out for myself, focus on my career and who knows, maybe even meet someone nice to have a nuclear family with one day. Overall I just want a happy and peaceful life.

Wish me luck and thanks again for everyone’s support 🌈

I posted the other day about my feeling that nacho had backfired. I received some great feedback and kept my mouth shut and just kept leaving things lie - dirty dishes, crumbs, etc.

This morning DH and I had to do some yardwork. He'd been letting 16SD use the shed (his domain) to hang out in. I knew this was would blow up in his face, but I just kept my mouth shut. Anyway, hahaha, it was glorious! He was angry and I asked why... He said she turned his shed into her bedroom. She is currently doing dishes, taking trash out, doing laundry, and going to help do yardwork this afternoon. This hasn't happened in YEARS. lol I'm so happy she's making her DO SOMETHING.

After he calmed down he told me that he told her he's no longer going to rewash her dishes or pick up after her. He is going to make her do it. He actually stopped me from wiping down the counter and asked if he needed to have her clean up a mess. I said, no, I'm just cleaning up some water around the sink. No big deal.

I'm sure the results won't be instantaneous, but it's progress and that's all I had ever asked for. Just progress! It's happening!

Hello all, thank you so much for your support on my last post regarding the counselling win! I’m so happy to update you all on the latest session that we had where there were more wins for me which essentially means for stepparents around the world lol I wish you all could have a counsellor this amazing. She totally gets it, validates how I feel and checks my baby’s father every time he says something out of pocket which is honestly… often. As mentioned in my previous post, I’m really dubious as to whether this relationship can be saved. I’ve committed to therapy but sometimes I just think there are too many issues to count and sort through. Also it seems to be his views (and a lot of the other bio parents that I hear about on here!) that are the issue. How do you change someone’s perspective???? That is the question. Anyways here’s some other major wins from the latest session.

• baby’s father (BF): “Ever since she had the baby, she doesn’t put enough effort in with my children, especially the youngest. I was essentially hoodwinked by someone pretending to put energy in with my kids. I was lied to”. Counsellor (C): “Pretending?? Maybe ask yourself what has changed between the person she ‘was’ compared to the person she is now” BF: “She had a baby… but….” C: “Exactly. She had a baby. The biggest change she’ll ever go through in this lifetime. Maybe it’s time that you do more with your children so she can focus on bonding with her baby and also taking care of herself” Me: 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

• BF: “Every time we have a disagreement regarding caring for our baby and my other kids, she’ll bring up something from my past, especially regarding my ex. It’s so annoying, she’s like obsessed”. C: “Well, it’s a good thing that she’s coming to therapy to sort out any issues but remember, it’s a lot for someone to be with someone else when they’ve got an ex-partner still present within their relationship, still needing to see them, talking daily, raising children etc. How would you feel if her ex was around daily?” Me: 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

• Me: “I really struggle with being told that my love for my own baby makes him feel uncomfortable for his own children. It’s unfair to me and also my baby. It’s not up to me to offer the same love and affection to others who already received that affection when they were babies. It feels very different”. C: “Absolutely. You adore your baby! That’s normal! Motherhood is so special and it sounds like your bond is strong. BP, how is your bond with your baby together? [and later], what do you do to ensure your children feel loved as you’re the father of all 3?” Me: 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

• BF: “I’ve not felt connected to her since she had our baby and basically hasn’t put energy in with my kids anymore. If she put energy in with my kids, I would show her more affection and love” Me: “But I need love and affection to feel more connected to you.. maybe then it would help to put more effort into your kids because I’d see the worth in our relationship”. C: “That’s exactly right. [BF].. a relationship NEEDS love and affection to be a positive relationship. Putting in time and effort with your kids is not a baseline requirement within a relationship” Me: 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

So yep, would love to hear your thoughts on the above. And if you’re wondering what his perception of it all is.. he looks shellshocked in sessions like as in his worldview is totally being rocked right now. Who knows what that will mean for us but anyways happy to keep sharing if you want to hear it!

Please see my post history for the story, but here's the short story: I (30f) dated my bf (40m) for 3 years and have been thinking about ending it for the past couple months. He has kids, 10m and 7f, and I am child free. He was expecting me to care for the kids, but to have no say in their care. At first, that sounded reasonable, they're his kids after all. But then I realized that I didn't just have no say, I wasn't allowed to voice any opinions about their care, even safety concerns. He didn't make the effort, and he let our home become a disgusting pit filled with anger and screaming.

Joining this sub was a lightbulb moment for me. Digging through the posts and seeing story after story of childfree younger women being taken advantage of and thinking, "That couldn't be me! My boyfriend has been telling me for years that he's such a feminist and a good guy" Oh, but it was. He doesn't even see it still. He thinks that I just couldn't hack it or something. How delusional! No woman wants to put up with a couch that your son has been peeing on that's never been cleaned. No woman would be okay with their entire life being interrupted and turned upside down because he doesn't plan in advance and constantly has to make last minute plan changes due to this. No woman will be okay with toothpaste dried onto the cabinets, and your kids fighting like feral animals day in and day out, until they're given video games and an iPad to shut them up of course!

Thank you all so much, truly. I think it would have taken me another 6 months or longer to leave if it wasn't for reading all the stories and understanding how wrong the situation was. I really got to speedrun the breakup lol.

Also, if anyone has any horror stories about their worst "men being terrible partners and parents," please share! I would like to feel like I'm not an idiot for letting my relationship and my home get so disgusting before leaving.

Okay guys, I took the advice I received on my last post and time is not standing still for bio kids while we're waiting for step kids. We have 50/50 custody of SKs but between now and Christmas there is not a weekend they are with us that we aren't busy with prior obligations so, my husband and I are taking our children to get pictures with Santa without SKs. I do feel a little bad not including SKs but we'll get plenty of pictures with them when we have them for Christmas. I usually reserve all the big family stuff for when we have SKs and I'm inclusive to a fault but it was breeding resentment so I've decided that I won't kill myself or make my bio kids wait an unreasonable amount of time to do the fun family stuff. If it works out that we have everyone, great! But if it doesn't, it is not the end of the world.

I have not been able to see FDH in person yet to discuss our issues. We live about an hour apart. My new question is about the adult child. Having no children of my own, I am only guessing at what this feels like for FDH and for possible future step-son. FDH doesn't say no to time with his son, and I honestly am fine with that 99%of the time. I can understand time with your child. Where it becomes murky is if I am invited, (sometimes I actually am)because FDH and BM are such good friends, time with the son is usually with both parents. My only problem is that FDH actually said that he wants me to "be friends/part of this (meaning BMs new husband's) family.". FDH thinks I ought to jump right in as if all of this is awesome. I find the whole thing creepy and a little unhealthy (thanks to many of you for your help and comments about that issue).

What is appropriate for adult children? I don't want to drive a wedge, or be part of a weird dynamic. I am just declining invites to the weirdness. Can't the son and dad just make their own time together? Does it always need to be coordinated by the BM? What in the actual hell is going on here?

FDH told me that if I could not accept BM, then that's the breaking point. I decided that he doesn't know what 'accept' means. I have always accepted BM. That doesn't mean we have to be pals and it doesn't mean we have to hang out. The child is an adult. There's no real reason for this. They can be friends if they want, but I don't have to.

I don't know if this will work out, but I feel much less stressed about now that I know I am not wrong, and I don't have to be besties with the weird other family. Thanks everyone for that!

Why is that so hard for FDH to understand?

Original post:

I am a 53F engaged to a 54M and he is best friends with his ex-wife. They share a son who is in his late twenties and married earlier this year. I have never before had much issue with FDH spending time with his child or ex, or her extended family. It has started to become an issue after becoming engaged. I know these people are part of his life and respect that. What we argue about is the ex making plans and inviting FDH to all kinds of things and him not running it by me, or even mentioning it until it's set in stone that he's doing "x" with them so then he and I cannot do something together. I understand there's a relationship between him and his child and that family. All I have asked is to be kept in the loop about what is going on, and be included in decision making. . Anything the ex plans feels prioritized and anything I want or need is marginalized. He doesn't understand why that's not ok. I don't know how to properly communicate without making it sound like I'm jealous, (I don't feel jealous) or trying to control what he does. I honestly am not doing that. I am having trouble communicating. Any advice is appreciated and thanks!

I just wanted to give you all an update. I made stepson leave tonight, and husband will be following after. I don’t care where they go, I’m glad I won’t have to deal with them 24/7. I also called CPS and made a report. Husband called me scum among other hurtful things for not being “loyal” to him. He said I was at fault for his son molesting his daughter, which is completely absurd. He said BM believed in him more than me, and that she trusts him more than me, that at least she didn’t threaten to turn in him. I’m done with all of them, husband and the two stepkids. My husband is blocked, and at this point, we will only be communicating through a lawyer. Since I have him on recording admitting what his son has done, I hope this will allow his child not to be around my children. I’m also looking into filing a restraining order on my children’s behalf. I feel so free tonight. It’s going to be a long road, but this was the first step to happiness.

Yesterday my counselor helped me realize that I consider an emotional relationship with another women cheating. I told her, I know he's a good man and he would never do anything like cheat on me. Her response was let's talk about what you consider cheating. Sure he isn't having a physical relationship with her but is what he is doing cheating. After thinking about the constant contact, the way plans are made between the two of them and then I am informed what's going to happen TO ME, the way my life comes last and they make plans that supercedes any plans we have already made, the endless texts about the kids and NOT about the kids. The way he makes excuses for her to call his phone every single morning when we are in bed together, when he texts her when we are bed together, yes, to me this is a betrayal and I now consider it cheating. We are done. I deserve so much more than this. I 100% believe that if he can ever pull himself away from her he will see how bad he messed it up with me but I have to understand that he isn't capable of that right now and in the meantime he is taking me down with him. I've been experiencing depression and anxiety. I've stopped taking classes that I was completed toward finishing my degree and I've been called out for messing up at work over the past few months. I'm better than this. Ughh.

Hi again! I'm aware this probably isn't the best sub for this, but since I posted my original post here (https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/l3yqj6/boyfriend_is_having_a_baby_with_his_ex_but_wants/) I thought I'd also post the update here.

First of all, thanks to everyone who commented and tons of people, who gave me a reality check. Looking back at it, I can't believe how naive I was. I really thought it could all somehow work out.

After I posted here, I met with him about a week later and I did something I'm not proud of - I went through his phone when he was sleeping. I just... I had a feeling that he wasn't telling me something.

As you can guess, I was right. It turned out he invited her to spend Christmas with him and his family, his parents and sister even got her presents. He told me he was staying on his own, because he was getting sick.

From the texts I'd say he was coming over to her about two or three times a week - I knew nothing.

I just kept reading and I was so unbelievably mad that I ever trusted a word he said and then it hit me. She didn't know. She didn't know we were still together, because he completely avoided the topic. There was even a point where he said something like "I'm so tired, I'm not even gonna shower" and she said "That's gross, but if there's no one that would mind, it's your problem" and he said "you know there isn't anyone".

I confronted him about it. He was reasonably mad at me for going through his texts, but didn't have any explanation for the rest. He "didn't want to brag about us to her when she's pregnant and emotional". He invited her for Christmas "because his parents told him to". He didn't tell me he was meeting with her regularly (and more often than with me) because "he knew I would get mad about it". I just... I felt stupid. I still do.

She's giving birth in May. I blocked both of them on every fucking platform I could think of because I just can't. I really don't care if they get back together or not, I don't want to ever hear their names again.

So, most of you were right - leaving was the only option. After reading your stories and struggles, all I can say is - you're all fucking heroes. I applaud each and every one of you, because dealing with a relationship is sometimes hard enough - add other adults and children, it's just... a nightmare (not always, I presume?).

Sorry if you didn't care about this update, but I just really wanted to get this off my chest, close this chapter and move on.

​

Edit: You all are so lovely. Thank you, for saving a random internet stranger from all of this drama lol. I wish all of you the absolute best!

Quick backstory: Fiancé and I finally got officially engaged in November after living together for 8 years. Long distance sds (18, 16 and 16) lost it and begged him not to and said my fiancé was knowingly ruining their mothers life and destroying her if he married me (they broke up literally 15 years ago). SdS refused to come for Christmas if we wouldn’t agree to break off the engagement. We didn’t. They didn’t come.

So the latest:

Sds called my fiancé and insisted on talking to him where I could hear but demanded I keep my mouth shut and just listen and not say a word. My husband tried to shut that down immediately and called them out for being disrespectful but I asked him to just let it go and I wouldn’t say anything at least til they finished and not at all if he handled it which I knew he would so we let it happen.

SD18 did the talking and started in on this long spiel about how they liked me ok and didn’t have a direct problem with me exactly but that I was not “forever” material. I was a fun companion and someone to be friends with but I am not their mother and can never be even a “mother figure” because I don’t feel like a “real adult”. I laugh to much too loud, make too many jokes, swear too much, dress too “young” etc. My fiancé cut her off and said he wasn’t listening to her bash me and if that’s all she wanted he would let her go so she changed her tactics.

She started telling him how they had always known that I was temporary and that he would eventually realize how perfect her mother and he are for each other and how her mom has been waiting patiently for 15 years for him to “get me out of his system “ and “grow up” and put their family back together. That she has never wanted them to say anything because she didn’t want to be the crazy ex and that it would happen naturally but now it was almost too late and he was about to ruin it by marrying me.

So now they have to take drastic measures. If he makes this mistake and goes through with this he can kiss his relationship with all of them good bye. They will never speak to him ever again and he will not be invited to graduations or weddings and will not be a grandfather to their children.

He told them he doesn’t take kindly to ultimatums, does not love their mother anymore and never truly did, will not ever be with her again and will be marrying me whether they like it or not.

So that is where we currently stand. My head hurts from the absolute insanity. I am so thankful they are long distance.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and Reddit has really helped me see things as they are. I have been pretty disconnected from my friends and family because he says that he and his kids should be what I acclimate to when I decided to date a man with kids.

I’m pregnant and has really pushed for me to get an abortion. I went to the clinic alone because he doesn’t want to be away from his kids on his time. But once I got the ultrasound I couldn’t do it.

He says that I “only wanted him for one thing and I want the baby more than i want him/us.” But I asked him “Do you want your kids more than you want me/us?”

His reply: “Do I want my kids more than you? Yes. “

My reply: “How is me choosing our child over you any different?”

He says it’s “not the same”

The idea of caring about my own child is selfish because I won’t get an abortion for him and his kids. He says that he will kill himself if I have this baby.

Unfortunately, that’s out of my hands. I will no longer be a maid and submissive younger woman for him to play with for to he and his family.

Thank you for all of your honest advice and care.

I’m going to be a great mom!

https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/18p6lfa/just_a_vent_i_guess/

I bailed for real. I messaged some friends and told them what's been going on. I sent novel-length texts over and over and not only did they read everything I sent, they offered support and a reality check that this is in fact Not Normal.

I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post but his ex immediately hit him up the second she heard about our initially-trial separation to "offer support, I'm here for you man" (she is well known for swooping in on damaged or failed relationships with a "shoulder to cry on;" it's her main MO) and he didn't tell her it was inappropriate or even think it was that big a deal. He also had me wrap Christmas presents and told me he was taking them over to her house, including the ones I'd bought, so he could watch SS open them with her, which has never in four years been a thing; he said he wanted to do it because we were both stuck home sick (which, why bring your germs over there anyway) and didn't get to see his son for Christmas at all (sorry, that's how it works in 99% of coparenting situations, especially HC ones, and has literally always worked in ours.) I asked, very carefully, if he saw why that might be uncomfortable, and he proceeded to lose his shit and tell me I was a monster who'd ruined Christmas and I was selfish and putting myself before everyone else, including a child, again. Just like at the school function, I hadn't told him not to do it, I hadn't tried to stop him, there was just some exhausted, hurt part of me that wanted to see if he was even capable of getting it. I know my last post pretty much had me convinced but that tipped me completely over the edge and I realized he was not going to see the issue with his behavior or hers and not going to prioritize me or us over HCBM, ever. In all situations he was SS's Dad over being WeakUnderstanding's Husband and they were SS's Parents above us as A Married Couple. Playing "happy family" with her mattered more than being an actual happy family with me.

I'm devastated, obviously, because when I got married I thought it was capital-F Forever. I thought I'd never come home to an empty house again and I thought I knew what was in my future and it was always him. But I am looking forward to being able to do so many of the things I've always wanted to without dealing with his insecurities and jealousy, or defeatist attitude, or irresponsibility and refusal to pull his own weight, or childcare. My weekends are no longer sacrificed to sit in an empty house with a sleeping child. No more being woken up in the middle of my prime sleeping time to calls from the school about heinous shit my SS has done (either STBX doesn't answer them of they've decided over at the school that the woman deals with kid stuff, I dunno.) I'm free from the no-win situation of playing mommy to someone whose parents don't parent but don't like how I try to parent and then get angry that I'm not parenting enough. No more "you became his parent when you married his dad", no more "kids come first!" and no more "you knew what you were getting into!"

I still cry a bit but I'm done wallowing; it seems fast but I think I've been mourning this for a long time. I changed my FB cover/profile photos to me & my best friend. I'm going to get a corkboard soon and put all the things I want to do on it. I might move out of state with nary a thought of custody or court orders or the weight of paying for a whole additional bedroom. It's going to be okay.

Thanks for your harsh but much-needed reality checks. They were the first step toward fixing my future.