Today my SO, me and his 4 teenage kids went to the park right by our home. While we were there one of the kids asked if we could go to the store to get a soda after we leave. My SO said no because he didn’t bring his wallet. Three of the kids said they had their cards on them (they get an allowance from my SO). My SO was like well what about everyone else. They then started figuring it out and says one of the kids will pay for the kid that didn’t have their card and another kid would pay for their dad, my SO. Then my SO says what about Lilly (me). Nobody says anything and then the subject changes. When we leave the park my SO takes the kids to the store. While they were in there I was trying to express to him how it hursts my feelings I’m never included. He says that’s just how kids are and they were not going to get him a drink either. Well the 4 of them come out of the store and all have drinks and have a drink for their dad. He immediately tries to say “look babe they got us a drink”. I say “ no they got you a drink. That’s what you drink and they have never seen me drink that”. So then my SO ask them why I didn’t get one. They were silent. He then said when she went to McDonald’s yesterday did she just get herself something or did she offer something for everyone. Once again they are silent. Then he said “next time you will not leave her out okay?” They all under their breaths said “okay”. It just makes you feel like not a person. I am riding home in a truck with 5 other people enjoying a soda while I sit there with nothing. It’s not about the soda. I can get in my car and go get one it’s just the fact I have lived with these kids for 2 years, never got something and not offered them one but here I sit left out by every one of them. It’s been 3 hours ago and my feelings are still hurt.

We had SDs (9 and 6) last weekend; I was stressed because I have many deadlines as I must submit my PhD thesis soon. I still made an effort and went out with DH and SKs on Sunday. SD(6) was acting like a baby and throwing tantrums which was exhausting.

I let my DH manage her and in the evening, he started telling me about how those tantrums show her persistence and that she will most likely grow up to be very strong woman. To which I responded that she’s just like any other kid and there was no interpretation to be made. He got very defensive and started saying that she’s not like other kids and that he didn’t want to hear that. He gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening…

I don’t have kids so I do not understand this stupid belief where parents think their kid is special. Was I insensitive?

Let me guess…

He’s quite a bit older than you. 5, 10+ years older?

You either don’t want kids or do and he promises he’ll have more with you.

But something has always felt off.

I’m the beginning, life was great. He’s a good enough dad which you actually found endearing. He treated you amazingly and you could genuinely picture your future together. Sure, he has kids. But he’s worth it, right? Besides, everyone has some baggage once you’re in your 30s…

After the honeymoon phase wears off, things start to change and the rose colored glasses slowly come off.

You moved in together and start to question whether or not you rushed things

Suddenly the peace in your home is replaced by chaos

The Friday nights you looked forward to all week are now replaced with dread in anticipation of someone else’s kids invading your space

The freedom and spontaneity you loved with your partner feels all but gone and now somehow now even your life revolves around another woman’s schedule

You accepted that your partner had kids but the reality of living with someone else’s children has become increasingly daunting

All the sacrifices start to feel pretty unequal

You bring up concerns about home life, house rules, or general flow but are met with opposition

You don’t feel like you can be honest because “you’re not a parent and wouldn’t understand”

Quiet nights at home and date nights out are replaced with screaming children and annoying kid’s tv shows

He feels guilty about the separation from his ex so he Disney parents and you can see his kids being raised to be entitled, codependent brats (but again, you can’t say anything)

You try to “nacho” but you physically feel sick and anxious whenever his kids are around

Child support payments are colossal and you find yourself feeling bitter that so much of the life you could’ve built together is going to another family

You realize that you are, in fact, paying for him and his kids

You look at friends and family who aren’t in a step parent situation and are envious of how easy their life looks

The resentment builds more and more every day

And worst of all, you feel that you are starting to completely lose yourself in this relationship. You’re a shell of the young, confident, beautiful woman you used to be. And have now given up years of your life to be on the periphery of someone else’s.

You are living your partner’s life. Not yours. Life is too short.

I am 42f child free and my SO has 4 teenage children. Last night we were working out the schedule for this weekend since all 4 kids play sports and will have a game. I was suggesting it work a certain way not even realizing it would inconvenience one of the kids. Once my SO explained how it would I understood what I was suggestion wasn’t the best idea. What got me and even though he was right was he said, “I am not going to make my child uncomfortable just to make you happy” it was like a realization moment where once again what you want will not be priority because there are 4 kids that have to be worked into the plan also. My SO will never be able to understand how I feel because his wants or needs will never be put behind kids of mine because I don’t have any. The balance and compromise in the relationship is just so uneven and there is really nothing you can do about it but suck it up or leave. I was able to get a little jab in however. Last night he was in the kitchen and notice food spilled on one of the cabinets. I am the one who cleans the house and he looked at me and said, “you need to be wiping these cabinets down”. I let him know I do all the time but with four kids it was a constant battle and if he needed it done more than I’m already doing it then I would need him or the kids to help out with it. He then said “well it’s your responsibility to clean the kitchen”. I told him, “I don’t have any kids so I am not going to clean up food off cabinets they put on there anymore than I already do just to make you happy”. He dropped it after that.

My SD (20) lives with us full time. It’s been hard on me. It didn’t start out full time and had I known I most likely would have opted out of moving in. I am an extremely private & quiet person who NEEDS alone time to recover. I’m childless as well. The last 5 years have been filled with anxiety and depression while trying my best to be the best stepmom I can be…..I’m not totally sure why I got involved with a man with a child…with that said:

I told my husband she needs to be moved out by 22 years old and that’s being extremely generous of me. That’ll give her a decent savings. She pays 230$ a month for rent. She makes 25$ an hour. My husband insists on paying her cell phone bill, still….

Last night she asked him when he would like her to move out…he replied:YOU HAVE UNTIL 26 years old to move out….26??????? Are you kidding meee??? I sat there in silence. Ofccc she will wait until 26 I mean her bills are paid she comes home to a warm meal every night….

Then right after I told her that I’m adopting a parrot next week (I’m a huge animal lover). She told ME that’s not going to fly with her. I literally laughed…sweetie we pay the bills, sorry.

I feel betrayed by my husband.

I'm just taking a poll just to see how any people are in the same vote as me. Tell me how you really feel about your step kids. I'm a stranger, I can't tell them what you say and I'm not here to judge you. I just wanna hear some honest reviews of real life step parenting! Our rode over here sure hasn't been easy!! Do you really love yours as your own?? Would you allow them to ever move in your home as a stepmom?? Do you feel guilty for not always including them???

I want to schedule newborn photos for my first baby. Is it horrible to not include SS in these photos? In my mind, this photoshoot isn’t about him and is to announce the birth of my first son but I feel like the photographer may include me and my husband in a few. Idk what to do because working around SS’s schedule would complicate when we could get these photos done and as horrible as it sounds, I don’t want a kid who looks exactly like his mom clouding my sons birth announcement. I just wanted ONE thing my newborn can have for himself only. Am I being unreasonable?

For me it's "I don't love your child, really doubt that I ever will, and I don't care or feel bad about it", but I feel like saying this out loud would cause issues because my husband seems to think I should love his child as he does.

So this is something my mother found out recently and I am just curious to hear from other step parents on their thoughts. I am also a step parent, but obviously, I am biased, as my mom is the step kid in this situation.

My grandmother passed away about 8 years ago and she did work for part of her life; however, all of her belongings passed to my step grandfather. Now this man raised my mom and aunt from around 10 years old until adulthood and had two biological children with my grandmother.

My mom and aunt received nothing when my grandmother passed, but I don’t think either of them were expecting to, as my step father is still living. Of course he would keep all assets etc. However, he communicated to one of the siblings that when he passes, my mom and aunt (his step kids) will both get nothing and his two bio kids will get everything.

My mom hasn’t complained about any of it but I could tell she was a bit hurt when she found out, as she’s always considered him a father. Also she never received anything from her mother passing and I guess it’s just hard for me to see how this is fair. If my grandmother at one point owned half of everything and would have split it up evenly for all her children, how is this fair?? Is she somehow could see that her husband was going to make sure that two of her children get nothing, I know she would have been livid. It seems wrong to me. Am I way off base here? I get some scenarios Where the stepkid would not receive the inheritance, but in this one, it seems truly odd to me. Thoughts?

My family (parents and siblings) are my safe space, while step life is the bane of my existance, so I guess I find it uncomfortable when those worlds converge.

My family are always warm and hospitable when we visit with SD11. She has an intense and challenging personality that can make other kids uncomfortable, but my neices and nephew still make an effort with her.

She is a perpetual victim and negative about everyone (a trait DH has finally acknowledged and is trying to correct), so will find something to complain about after every gathering, which I find infuriating. I guess I feel protective over my family.

We have an ours baby now and I want him to have a healthy, positive relationship with his extended family, which I don’t want SD to negatively influence, so I’m starting to prioritise visits alone with my son.

Most SPs seem like they are trying to cultivate a close relationship between their SKs and family of origin - am I alone in gritting my teeth when they’re together, and wanting to keep things as separate as possible while still remaining somewhat functional?

I’m reaching out to see if anyone has felt this way.

We were out with my partner and met some people at a bar, ended up joining tables and had a lovely chat - up until the point the conversation went from arts, politics, and travel to our personal lives. My partner was telling them about his divorce and having children and I felt embarrassment creeping up on me. I didn’t want those random strangers to think of me in a different way because of being with a man with children.

I was basically ashamed. Ashamed I had chosen a life with all that drama. Ashamed I now had children to consider in my life that I didn’t make. They didn’t say anything but it still felt like I went from being a smart, funny, cool person to hang out with to “just a (step)mom” - if that makes sense.

It did come up in couples therapy that I was struggling to make being a SM part of my personality. I got really good education, I have an awesome job, I have a huge social circle and it feels like giving up my time and attention to SKs is wasting my life. When I read the stories here, I never think of people like that but it hits different when it’s about me.

Hi Y'all...

Would you let your SK ride in the front seat every single time you all go somewhere with your spouse ? Would it make you feel some type of way riding in the back seat while spouse and the kid ride in the front ?

I saw someone do this on Instagram and TikTok. It’s a play on the new trend, but for stepparents.

I’ll start…

I’m a stepparent, of course I am told that I signed up for something that I, in fact, did not sign up for.

Your turn!

Oh this grinds my gears.

BM sent me a really fucking patronising message that she doesnt appreciate her children being left out of family time.

We discussed because heres what's I thought happened: at some point during my DH's week with the kids, I had excluded them from something like a family dinner while including my own child.

I was heart broken. I make real efforts not to do that.

I asked BM for specific details, planned to talk to SKs and apologise etc.

Here's what actually happened: My father, who took me to hospital in labour, who was the second person to hold my child, who has been there for me and my child through everything, took me and my child out for lunch during BMs week with the kids. He also bought my child while we were out some toys. My child, being a toddler, told SD who told BM. Sd asked "where did you get that new toy?" Daughter: "granda" etc. There have apparently been other instances: daughter going to grandads house.

I have no idea how to deal with this. When BMs parent come to town, my daughter is not invited, which is reasonable I think. We try and wait to go to the movies together, but BM often takes SKs during her week. My dad works really hard not to exclude SKs. He does take all three kids out if they are all home. He buys them all presents.

When arranging visits to see the new baby, I made sure DH's parents came when SKs were here, so they could see all their grandkids.

How can I explain that despite our best intentions, my father and I do spend time with my daughter without the SKs. I don't think that's unreasonable?

No one on BMs side of the family wait for my daughter. They have days out all the time. BM told me her kids are "having a difficult time with divorce and new baby". I can understand that, but also my daughter shouldnt spend half her year on hold for SKs to come (DH has 50/50 custody).

To be clear, DH is on my side but he always says "dont take her shit onboard". Im really trying but it astounds me someone can be so stupid? I get SD being a bit put out (BMs parents live at the other end of the country while my dad lives around the corner) but why is BM putting this this on me?

(I can’t post a poll, but) I’m curious to hear from you guys. Do you love your step kids as your own children? Indicate if you have children of your own with your SO and/or your own kids from a past relationship.

In my situation, I have 2 SS (12, 10) and a son (3). I love my SSs but never understood what “as your own” meant until I had my son (with my wife). As much as I love my SSs, I do not love them as my own. I made the grave mistake of admitting this to my wife when I wanted to skip one of their football games for a personal interest. Their biodad is in the picture so I always felt that the kids are “covered” in the love and support sector. I’ve always had to sacrifice personal interest for them and have never missed a game or school function. It’s been 7 years and I am now finding it a little more difficult to have to sacrifice for them all the time (I’ve sacrificed my own family’s unions at times). Is it because I have a son of my own now? I understand they are the center of my wife’s universe, but do they have to be at the center of mine as well? I can’t force myself to love them more. She is heavily considering divorce What do I do?

After only a 5 months marriage I finally filed for divorce from my wife. The last year has been the most stressful time of my life, dealing with a toddler, baby daddy, being told constantly how I'm not a good enough stepdad or not trying hard enough. Fora whole year I was nothing but an ATM for someone else's child, while the biological father didn't even have to pay child support. The worst part of all of it was that my wife didn't even want to give me my own biological children. I feel like I've aged 10 years, I feel so used and abused and now I have to worry that this woman is going to come after me for more. I'm so mad that ignored everyone's warnings about marrying a mother. But it's a huge relief. I don't see myself browsing here anymore as I plan to find a childless woman now. But even if I don't find anyone else being single Is far better than the hell I've endured

So while I’m trying to survive another weekend with SS being here, I though about this and thought I’d love to know other SPs icks with their SO that revolves around their stepchildren, this might just be me, but I thought it might be a laugh to see if there are others.

I’ll start… my ick with my SO is when I come in and he’s on all 4s on the floor picking up bits of Lego while his royal highness sits on the sofa and doesn’t lift a finger…

*Was

The good, the bad and the ugly. What was shocking to you even if you had heard about it? For me it’s really tough handling the feeling that I don’t belong in this family unit. I feel like it’s him/his kid and me. Separate unities, separate islands, two vs one, it’s tough. I wasn’t prepared for it.

I can’t reply to everyone, but I wanted to say thank you so much for sharing all your stories, from the lovely experiences to the not-so-good ones, this allows a lot of us to feel seen.

My fiancé has a controlling and manipulative ex-wife. I had never met her during the five years we’ve been together. However, as we were planning our guest list, he told me he’d like to invite her for their 12-year-old son’s sake. I wasn’t too thrilled about it, but I understand they have an amicable co-parenting relationship that works for them. And I love my stepson, so whatever makes him happy.

Well, my fiancé set us up to meet during their child drop off/exchange which was at her house. She immediately ran down from the front porch and wrapped her arms around my fiancé. It was such an intimate hug that if I didn’t know any better and was a stranger off the street, I would expect them to kiss next. I was flabbergasted and immediately taken aback.

They spoke a little about their son’s activities and then we turned away to leave. Before my fiancé could turn all the way around, she wrapped her arms around him again. I was once again flabbergasted and a bit angry.

When we got home, I asked him, “Does she always hug you?”

He did a sarcastic laugh and said, “No.”

I told him my intuition felt as though she was being territorial and possessive by hugging him. So, I told him that I do not want her at our wedding. However, he was adamant that she has to be there for the sake of their son.

Then he actually said this to me, “If she can’t come, I’ll have to let her know that you’re reason why she can’t come. Then she’s gonna tell our son.”

I said, “I spend more time with her son than she does. Don’t you think that’ll create friction between us?”

He shrugged and said, “I don’t know.”

This immature man would rather throw me under the bus to appease his ex-wife, although she’s the one making the situation difficult by exerting power plays (hugging, territorial, etc).

I threw my ring at him and called off the wedding. I haven’t heard from him, but I also want our relationship to be done.

Did I do the right thing?.. I’m questioning myself.

A few who have seen my posts already know I deal with my SO's INSANE childs mother.. I mean I know guys will call ex's crazy but she's crazy. Anywhooo, she thinks she has some sort of say on what we do here. We are adults, we do adult things many times a week. We don't make it known to the kids. We try for before everyone gets up or after everyone's asleep. We're in OUR ROOM with OUR DOOR LOCKED. I've never had any issues with my kids, but HCBM texted him and said "SS said that he sneaks by your door sometimes and listens and hears you and her saying weird things, whatever is going on there doesn't need to go on when he's there." Like I think that's insane, does anyone else? This is my house. Were in OUR ROOM. I can't believe it lol 😂 to add to this.. kids are young. Way too young to understand any of it.

My man and his ex wife are planning a family vacation with my stepkid, since they really want to go to this specific location. With the parents.

It's not like I don't want my stepkid to have their vacation, it's more so that I feel hurt that my partner doesn't seem to consider me fully as a family member.

Anyone else experienced this, and what did you do? Should I, as the stepmom, just take the punch in the gut and live like this doesn't bother me? Do I really have a say in this?

I’m (28F) relatively new to this life (been dating my partner for 9 months and haven’t met his 2 children yet) and I feel like I’ve been so naive until now about how sidelined step parents and their feelings are.

My boyfriend is particularly close to his BM and there is very little separation between them which I’ve posted about before, such as doing joint vacations, Christmas, birthdays, living 5 minutes away from each other, doing every school/child event together like school Christmas fairs etc.

When I’ve told my friends and family about the situation and how it can make me feel uncomfortable, like they’re almost not even separated and whether I should continue with the relationship, I always get met with a ‘but that must be nice for the kids’ type response. I feel like it’s at the point where I could say they go up to bed together on an evening and people would say that must be lovely for the kids to see their parents getting on like old times.

It’s like my feelings and expectations of having a relationship with my partner on things like vacations and Christmas are totally irrelevant and I have to remind even my close family and friends that I’m asking what’s best for me and whether this is something I should tolerate or leave. It’s so dehumanising and I feel invisible in comparison to children/BM I’ve never even met, and even the mere suggestion that there could be a compromise where he does these important things with both me and his kids, alternate Xmas years etc, is total sacrilege and I am an awful person for even thinking of such a thing.

Does it get any better?

I'm 33 years old and my boyfriend, who is 40, is great. Seriously, we are perfectly matched in every single way and I would choose HIM every single time in every single universe. However, I just can't get over the fact that he has 3 children with his ex wife. I can't get over he and the ex talking everyday (about the kids, but still). I can't get over every single "first" already having been done with someone else, I can't get over spending holidays alone, I can't get over him talking about his kids all the time, can't get over being stuck in California (instead of Italy, where I've been saving to buy an apartment for years) and financially being unable to buy a home with two 6 figure salaries. I've been fighting my feelings for a year now, hoping I would be able to adjust to this life because I love my partner so much, but it just isn't going to happen. My boyfriend is absolutely the best human being I have ever met in my life and the kids are great, but I just can't do it. When I think about the type of life I'd have with them, I feel dread, not excitement. I feel like I was SO careful to not have kids too early or marry someone I was incompatible with, only to end up facing the consequences of those things anyway. I feel resentful at having an amazing partner who is an amazing dad to kids I want nothing to do with. He and his kids deserve better. Has anyone just pulled the plug and walked away? Did life get better, or did you regret not trying harder to make things work? This is the first person I've ever dated with kids I'm struggling, mostly because my boyfriend is my best friend. I just think I need some reassurance that everything will be okay.

I’ll go first: I told my SK7 he cannot use MY toothbrush, after I saw him brushing his teeth with it.

If you were brutally honest how do you really feel about being a stepparent?