I posted about this yesterday. My SS14 hit me last week and has been rude to me a lot over the past few weeks. His friend photoshopped a picture of my face onto the evil stepmother of Cinderella, told my SO and he thought it was funny.

He bought a new record on Saturday and all yesterday was asking to use my record player. I told him no and have continued to tell him no. Now today, he said to me that he's been good today, so if he can now use my record player. I'm tired of him asking and I know sooner than later, my wife will say to just let him use it because how long am I going to hold on to this for.

I'm so tired of this it's not funny.

Edit: Just to clarify, SS found the photoshopped image funny, not my SO who was mad about it.

This will be long, but I want to give you a glimpse of what you or others might experience as time goes on. You will experience issues even when his/ her child/ children become adults & it could be worse & more expensive. Im officially divorced in March due to my stepdaughters ( adults -27/ 30 yrs old ) I am a 55-year-old male starting my life over after being married for 6 years. It's definitely not an ideal age. We were perfect for each other. We had a custom home built that we intended to spend the rest of our lives together. It's so sad when you are married to your forever and adult step children tore us apart & against each other. My SO always took their side when I had a different opinion & always made an excuse for them every time for their behavior or other things. It's so difficult & stressful when you feel your voice, concerns, feelings & issues with the SO & their kids go unheard. Especially frustrating when you speak to your SO over boundaries, expectations & their behavior when kids or adult children live with you full/ part time. It's the difference of how each has raised their children regardless of age. I imagine it's very difficult when you have a third wheel ( ex-wife/ husband) involved where expectations and discipline are different when the kids are with them. We were night & day on how we raised our kids & it shows as adults. When my ex wants to be their friend & never tells them NO instead of a parent who should chew their a** out for being irresponsible with finances, etc. so she bails them out as an example. Pay off their maxed out credit cards/ money so they can go on a vacation with friends they can't afford. It's really sad to watch & unfortunately, as time went on, I started voicing my displeasure that her adult kids would never grow up because mom would be there to help them out of every negative situation they put themselves in. They take her for granite, for they know she will never tell them NO. My SO co-signed for a home loan ( 350k ) for the oldest daughter (30) behind my back because she couldn't find a rental due to her dog & knew I would say NO. My top reason ( jumping job to job & only making $24 an hour at that time & now has a mortgage of $2300 a month. She spends $ she doesn't have knowing my (SO) will have to pay or chip in for the mortgage since my SO name is on the loan. Of course, I was furious, but all I got from my SO was, "What was i supposed to do. Let her live in her car. " I told my SO. Co signing for a $350k home loan was the perfect solution. (Of course, I was being sarcastic) No acknowledgment from my SO of I'm sorry I should have discussed this with you or took any accountability for not thinking this through. We could now end up paying $5000 for 2 mortgages( ours / daughters) if her daughter fails. Talk about rolling the dice, especially with my SO daughters previous irresponsibility. When this older daughter was living with her mom ( my SO ) at age 24 before I came into the picture, she brought that same dog home & was told by my SO to take it back where she got it. I was told she pouted & cried, so my SO caved in . So basically, the co signing of the home loan by my SO was for that dog she told her to take back since she couldn't find a rental due to the dog. Those are only 2 examples for I could write a book.

Your SO will forget that it's your home as well & you should be able to have input that shouldn't be ignored or brushed off & the SO should address issues you have with their kids immediately because it effects you and it's your home too.That's very disrespectful, which eventually causes you to resent your SO & their kids.

My SO youngest daughter (27) moved in with her dog after she broke up with her boyfriend. She was going to nursing school & I'm all about paying for cell / car insurance, etc, since their in school. I'm a retired LEO & I didn't mind taking care of her dog every day. However, I had a discussion with my SO before her daughter moved in & went over my expectations & my SO agreed. She will pick up dog💩, sweep & vacuum ( dog hair ) clean the sliding doors from her dogs nose, smudge & keep her bathroom clean ( our guest bathroom) on weekends or if on breaks from school. We'll fast forward to 1 year & her graduation from nursing school. it was a non-stop fight with my SO. She had never vacuumed, rarely swept, the bathroom was dirty most of the time & rarely picked up her dogs 💩 I never got a thank you, or I appreciate you taking care of my dog & cleaning up after it. We never charged her a penny & everything was provided to her. It was expected of me by her & my SO. I was taken for granite since I was at the house almost every day (retired ) When I would bring it up to my SO, she's not doing what we agreed upon. She always had an excuse for her even when she graduated & was out of school for 2 months. My SO still carries/ pays for both of her daughters, who work on her cell phone plan & car insurance as well.The older daughter can't afford those extra bills since she is now responsible for the $2300 mortgage that my SO co signed for so my SO just pays it instead of confronting both & tell them to get their own cell phone / car insurance since their both working full time.

The older daughter hasn't had a boyfriend for 3 years & her 2 best friends moved away. Can you guess who became her BFF? Us..She came to our house almost every night after work & would stay till 830/9. My SO rarely stayed up past 10, so that left us about an hour to 1.5 to ourselves. So rarely any quality time with each other & intimacy faded away. My SO & her daughters can track each other & both daughters have keys to the house. Almost every time, there was intimacy she would have to check where her daughters were at before we started & sometimes during so they wouldn't walk in, our if we were in the hot tub nude. I told my SO can't we have a few nights to spend time together without any of her kids present. I miss spending time with you, we are married. I feel like I'm the last priority & your daughters are adults, not kids. I was told by my SO, " I want my kids to come over anytime they want to."

I'll give you a little insight into the difference in how I raised my boys & my SO her daughters. My oldest stayed with us after graduating law school so he could study for the bar exam. The difference, weekly, he cleaned the entire house, grocery shopped, cooked, mowed the lawn, kept his bathroom & bedroom immaculate, and here's the difference. I was retired during that time, and I NEVER HAD TO ASK HIM TO DO ANYTHING FOR 10 MONTHS. Why ? He showed his appreciation & gratitude for allowing him to stay there without any financial obligations. I told my SO when my resentment really kicked in. I told her that if she ever came to me with an issue with my son, I would have immediately addressed him with my SO complaints or issues. Why would I ? She is my wife & this is also her home. Do you see the difference between my SO & I regarding our adult kids living with us. I was ignored & excuses were always given for her kids. Now after 1 year. Resentment set in for both of us, which became anger, then we disconnected & eventually more like roommates. Intimacy was long gone. We loved each other but not in love. We fought more in that 1 year her daughter lived with us than the 8 years together/ 6 married. We could never find a common ground & she was over it as well as I with the arguments. I asked her to go to marriage counseling, and she scoffed at that. Why, she didn't want to hear what the therapist was going to tell her. Now, did I have my moments throughout, absolutely. Everyone does in a marriage & no one is perfect. I wish she would have chosen me. I'm sitting here by myself in another state where my boys live as I'm writing this novel. My oldest eventually was hired by the District Attorney office where he went to law school, for he loved it here. My youngest served 4 years in the Marine Corp & moved in with my oldest. ( they were always very close ) & he was accepted to the university here to start school for a psychology degree.

*One more thing. Once my SO filed for divorce, I started my own bank accounts & split the balance of our joint account. I told her she needs to remove me from our joint account if she's not going to open up her own accounts. I reminded her a few times she needed to remove me before I left. I guess she assumed I wouldn't get notifications or still have access to our joint account since I opened up my own. I got a notification she transferred $2k to her 27-year-old & $1500 to her 30-year-old. Now, the 27 year old daughter has been working as a nurse for 2 months, making $55 an hour. The 30 yr old makes $32 an hour. Here's the kicker, they left with friends to Nashville for a Bachelorette party the next day. They obviously didn't have the $ so bank of my SO is always open. The last thing that really pissed me off was that her daughters never paid us back for anything. As I said, their on the insurance/ cell bill & had they paid us monthly for their portion, I wouldn't have an issue. Our cell phone bill with additional watches & Ipads from my SO & her daughters was $475 monthly.

So, to sum it up..You or your SO will probably not change much on parenting regardless of age. The older we are as parents, the more we are set into our own ways as well as their children how they were raised. So when 1 isn't willing to even alter or address legitimate issues you have with your step kids, your SO is showing their kids will always come first, and you are last on the priority list to your SO. You will eventually get to a point & waive the white flag. Not all blended families end up like mine. If both parents are on the same page & have each other's back when issues arise with kids or adult children, then they will most likely be successful. I wish everyone the best on their journey. There will be bumps, but please don't waste your time on a SO if there's no compromise regarding their children. You could miss out on your forever by staying & hoping for change watching the years fly bye. Sorry for the novel, but I believe it might help others so you dont end up with a broken heart like me due to your SO kids.

Hi all, I’ve been keeping you all updated regarding the counselling sessions with my baby’s father who has 2 kids to his ex and there have been so many wins (please read earlier posts) however today, there was another win but in a different way which some of yall in the comments accurately guessed. He became irate, raised his voice at me, yelled in front of the counsellor and basically admitted that because I don’t do X, Y & Z with his kids, he doesn’t see any worth in me or our relationship despite the fact that I am the sole carer for our baby and I am tapped out! His mask slipped today with the counsellor and he blurted out that he would’ve expected me to take on the duties of his children as well as our baby which is just proof for a lot of us out there that single dads just want someone else to shirk their responsibilities onto. I don’t consider him yelling at me a win however the counsellor was really able to witness the anger that comes out of him when he’s forced to parent his other kids the whole 50% of the time.

Him blowing up at me finally in front of someone else who could bear witness to his issues was a very validating experience for me as it often happens behind closed doors and my adhd diagnosis makes me question my reactions to things but yall… the counsellor was horrified.

The way this man said that “looking after” I.e putting a tablet in front of his two other children requires more effort and work than helping me look after our baby… is just madness. The counsellor did check him on this. She also checked him on the fact that all his issues with me are related to what I lack with his children however my issues with him are related to OUR baby. Which is the way it should be. He denied it.

Anyways, safe to say, that this relationship will never work! And baby and I are much happier here at my own place. He did threaten a lawyer for 50/50 custody but I do believe it’s hot air as he doesn’t have the mental capacity to even look after the other two, one of which he only sees half the month let alone a baby.

It happened! Some of you did warn me but I’m glad it did.

I finally broke things off with my partner about 4 weeks ago. I am devastated because we both love each other so much but we had a reality check these past few months. We both realized that this wasn't going to work anymore and that if we continued down this path we would end up resenting each other. I was lucky enough to be able to ends things on good terms, we both wish each other the best and hope that we both find what we are looking for and what we deserve. This is absolutely bitter sweet but I am extremely relieved at the same time. I truly hope he finds someone that wants to play a bigger part as a step-parent and I know that I will never date someone with kids again.

​

A few things I've learned that maybe can help new step-parents or someone thinking of dating someone with kids;

Before getting into a relationship with someone with kids make sure to have a serious talk before committing. Ask your potential partner what role you would be playing in their kids life. Ask as many questions as you can so you can both be on the same page.

If you're child-free make sure that you're okay going into a relationship with someone with kids and that you might play a bigger part than just daddy's or mommy's friend.

Understand that some partners do not want you to NACHO and that might be a big deal breaker, they want you to step in and be a 'family'

If you don't like kids and you like your partner do not go through with this.. this can either end good with you warming up to kids or you ending up resenting the kid and potentially the parent because of the way they raise their kid.

If you enjoy your peace, quite and a clean place, do not get in a relationship with someone with kids.. you will hate it when their kids are over.

If you're spontaneous or love going out or going on trips do not date someone with kids.. chances are they can't afford to go out or can't because it's their days with the kids.

And the most important advice: Do NOT compromise, I don't care how much you love this person it is not enough and it is not worth it. For the sake of both of you, end it and move on. You both deserve to have your needs met.

Edit: Also thank you so much for this wonderful community it has been great!!

It’s been about 3 months since being forced out of the home and family I devoted my waking moments and life to. I now live on my own, am in therapy and about be promoted at work. I’m seeing someone and while it’s new, he’s child free, independent and of a similar mindset.

I didn’t think I’d ever want to date again or would be okay after the years of psychological warfare and abuse but I’ve realized that I wasn’t in a relationship - I was a live-in house maid and free childcare. After that epiphany, I’ve made so much progress. The damage is there & I left without much since my ex didn’t replace the clothes and items his daughter stole or threw away. He didn’t really keep his word on anything except going back and forth on getting back together.

Initially, I didn’t want to leave the relationship even after being kicked out since it would have made staying through horrific abuse pointless. Then I found out he moved in a 20 year old that he cheated on me with last year when she was maybe barely 19. She physically assaulted me when I went to speak to him not knowing she would be there or even, attack me unprovoked. No police report since I didn’t want him mad at me. Stupid right?

This is the affair that I found out the day before his daughter’s 15th birthday party. She was devastated her dad cheated on me again, or so she seemed. This is also the same SD that wrote/drew sexual fantasies of her father as a “joke” and stole my sex toys and lingerie… and took my clothes and these items of mine away since she hated me because I was too close I’m age to her… I’m 25, the new gf is 20… SD is 16. And they seem very close. Probably because they could be sisters?

It hurt at first because I was SO scared of being alone and losing everything I worked so hard for, then for him to move on with a practical child? He would berate me for being dependent (which he made me to be, strategically) but this girl has no car, works at a casual chain restaurant (where we met, his second job) and has a 2 year old boy… he doesn’t even want his own kids that are teens now. It made me feel gross. Moving on with an affair partner that can’t even take care of herself or her kid OR buy alcohol? But now, I don’t feel anything. No hard will.

If anything, I feel bad for them. She’s an obvious downgrade in every aspect. He allowed her to physically assault me and defended her when she was clearly in the wrong - going as far as saying that if they get in trouble or lose their jobs “over this” then it’s my fault. Why be sad over two losers that can be miserable, or happy, together? It doesn’t concern me. If she can somehow earn his family’s approval, which I was unable to do for being young and having tattoos, then good for her. Good luck!

I am free of their nit picking and jabs, having sex and affection weaponized. I no longer have to trade blowjobs for cuddles. I don’t revolve my life around a manipulative and cruel teenager that I wanted so badly to heal and support, who took advantage of me and my love. My therapist is awesome. I feel stupid for staying and ashamed that I stayed with an abuser and defended him.

This was a longer post than I intended it to be but I wanted to update the community that made me feel seen. I was a “SP” from 21-24 to two teens aged 12-16. Lessons were learned and while they were so awful to me, I was blessed to experience the love I had for them. My chats are always open for anybody needing to talk. <3

Well I posted earlier on whether to invite SD to Disneyland or not. I sent her a nice message saying we are going and when and would love her to come. She says no she can’t miss her other sister (from BM) bday on 3/5. So my conscious is cleared! Just sharing an update, thanks for everyone’s advice earlier!

I must be crazy but finally sat down with my SO and her kids and popped the question to all of them, asking if they wanted me to be a bigger part of their lives. It would mean become their stepdad and they move in to my place. The oldest flat out said NO immediately and the youngest tried to convince the older one. Mostly because he was intrigued by the prospect of being able to not share a room with his older brother anymore. Oddly enough my SO doesn’t seem to think it matters that the oldest is so opposed to the move and that he doesn’t want me to be his SD. I think its a red flag to moving forward in the relationship and she seems to think it doesn’t matter. But the SK’s are a part of the relationship (whether I like it or not) and its bananas to think their opinion of me doesn’t matter before we go ahead with such a major decision.

I recently shared this post about how I feel like I live a double life: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/Np2V6Vvfu1

My SO ended our relationship last night. I don’t know how to feel, I’m such mix of emotions. I think the dynamic when his son was with us made him lose feelings for me, and while I understand, it hurts that we weren’t able to push past the challenges.

I also feel a sense of relief, because the kid thing just isn’t for me. I couldn’t stand the constant noise and messes and tantrums and every bit of energy going towards SS.

I’m so sad, because I have never felt more myself with someone and I’m grieving a fantasy that we could have met before he had a child.

I’m going to start the process of healing and if and when I ever do date, I will definitely not be dating anyone with a child ever again. Lesson learned.

I could really use some words of encouragement.

This is we’re we are now… I told my SO that I am looking for a place for myself, so we can have a good time when we are together. Idk how else to say it. He is convinced I don’t like his kids, that I gave up, that this makes me the most unattractive to him (he has said that), that I cause their behavior by keeping my distance (I can’t be in the same room with SK’s anymore, I’m that done). He thinks it’s me. And I should change how I am and be like he is. LOL it just doesn’t work.

This weekend we went to celebrate the older SK bday that is week but we don’t have him, so we went to his brothers house, they also have 2 kids and they get along well. The day went fine, no problems with kids (which is RARE) until we get back home around 9pm and it’s bed time right away… we get a text from his brother saying his younger 4yoM told him “our” 11yoM was suggesting they touched each others parts and “something about sucking”. Yep, my heart is POUNDING at this point and I’m about to puke just to think about… but he denies it obviously… told his father that “not even his dad believes him” meaning he already had a talk with uncle… and that’s the story… nothing else, no consequences. Next day he goes to BM, SO told her what happened and she slipped that something similar happened over there with her family at some point (which we didn’t know) and that’s “normal”. WHAT?! So like, I refuse to believe they actually think this is “normal”. I think it’s more like a denial at this point. This kid had treated people, all over the place, st school he said to a friend he was going to have his step dad shoot them in the head. At home he tells us how much he hates us and wish didn’t have to live with us. He has made a “monster box” at some point and have to us with something saying that it was going to k;ll you while you sleep. I have woke up with him sitting on a chair watching me sleep on a very early morning (SO leaves for work 5am). I’ve hidden knives because I can’t deal with my anxiety. I’ve excluded myself from most activities with them. But I still can’t, I can’t be there anymore, I can’t stand how I feel, my heart feels like a ticking 💣 and my stomach upside down all the time they are there. I fear not just for my mental health but my life at this point. He just refuses to see it.

For years this subreddit has been my sanity's lifeline in secret, and I'm grateful for everyone sharing in vulnerability and helping me be the best SM I could have been. After 5 years of the "stepmom" life, I can finally close this chapter of my life.

Ultimately my relationship with my ex didn't work out - things found their natural end we grew apart as people. But I'd be remiss if I said his 2 daughters did not have a part in the resentment that grew over the years. I can honestly look back and say my SDs made me a better person and even a better mom for my biological child. Lots of lessons learned.

But I can equally say that I don't miss being a SM at all. I don't miss constantly being at my wits end biting my tongue about parenting methods I disagreed with. I don't miss sacrificing so much of my life - my time, my money, my energy - to be treated like absolute garbage. I don't miss being the maid to three people who have the mental and physical ability to clean after themselves. I don't miss questioning and bending my boundaries to keep the peace. I don't miss having to do double the parenting at times because my ex couldn't pry himself from his pc games to enforce anything.

To those still enduring the negatives of SP life, I sincerely wish you the best and hope that your situation works out for the best! Though I'm no longer a SM I am here to share my two cents for those experiencing now what I did in the past.

I am not sure if you remember my previous post but things have just been so tense. stepkids are still not speaking to us, and we still don't know what to do to fix it.

SD (older one) stopped by yesterday to pick up her passport since she needs it.

It was around her birthday so I spent all day making her favorite cake and her dad and I hoped we could talk to her when she came over. She didn't say a word to us but sat down for cake

When we lit the birthday candles, "our" youngest (a young child) blew out the candles on the cake. We talked to our child about how it wasn't appropriate and re lit candles for SD so she could have her moment. She ended up getting mad and told us to put our child on a leash and threw the cake at me and told me and her dad that she is done with our bullshit.

I was crying at this point because I was covered in cake and overwhelmed and my husband was in shock. He told her that he understands that she is upset but that she had no right to smash the cake on my head and that she wasn't raised to act like that.

He asked to speak to her again and she refused and left.

I just need support right now

I decided to end things yesterday after weeks of being emotionally manipulated. She began using her daughter as a pawn to make me feel awful for handling responsibilities in my own life and resented me because I thought it was unfair for her to expect me to put her daughter first before anything else in my life (we were in a long distance relationship for just over a year) as well as opening up to her and expressing how her referring to me as a stepdad made me feel uncomfortable

This may be the first and last time I go all in with a single parent.. or at least for a while. As much as I grew to love her daughter, this was an such an emotionally taxing 14 months between problems with her baby daddy disrespecting her and our relationship , down to her crossing boundaries and forcing a nuclear family dynamic that was just way too much too soon, to unrealistic expectations being thrown on my lap.

So with that said I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s shared advice, opinions, listened and offered real solid insight the last couple weeks. I found this group when I needed it the most and it really helped guide me to the light

The original was posted today: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/jKiODhz4Zq

I literally made them a cheese pizza, Dino nuggies and fries for dinner. I usually make them whatever because that’s what they want and that’s not my fight. ANYWAYS - I give them both two slices of pizza each, and then said “there’s nuggets and fries on the stove.” I’m literally eating my pizza standing up and walking around the kitchen. Got my self a couple nuggets and fries because fuck it, the younger one comes and steals a few of mine and I told her THERES MORE ON THE STOVE. The older one sees the younger one eating and says “hey you didn’t give me any nuggets or fries. You always give her the good stuff.” Y’all. I said “It’s right there available to you just as it is to her. I’ve said at least twice that it’s on the stove. I’m not here to serve you, so idk what your little attitude is.”

And the lie detector test determined…..not savage enough.

Today was the last straw.

I wrote few weeks back saying how I’m willing to suffer rather than have my son come from a broken family but today and everything leading up to today just broke me.

The actual situation that pushed me over the edge was when I was being blamed for my SD riding her bike onto the road. God forbid, she’s ever held accountable for her own actions and hell would freeze over before her father actually teaches her proper bike riding etiquette (such as stopping at a crossing and looking both ways before actually getting on the road).

I was riding with our son on my bike by myself, longer way home, because I wanted to get a bit more distance and workout in. H and SD were coming the short way. For a brief 10 seconds our paths crossed and SD rode closer to me. Before I turned off to take the longer way again, I reminded her that there is a road and crossing ahead and to make sure to stop and look out for cars. I rode off and crossed the road and she crossed the road as well continuing the short way.

When we finally met up in front of our home, H went off at me screaming how I always put SD in danger because she rode on to the road after me, while a car was stopped and waiting for her to cross. There was no dangerous situation, because there were two people crossing on foot while she rode over the crossing and a car was waiting. I got yelled at for no reason.

While in the argument I kept saying over and over that I am not responsible for her and how she rides her bike because she was way behind me and I was riding the long way with our son. And if he doesn’t want her to cross the road on her own, he needs to teach her the rules. And at the end of the day, I did say to her to stop and check for cars. But he kept insisting how it was all my fault and I should’ve stopped.

It’s a stupid argument and I know that it’s not even actually about that. It’s his assumptions and expectations that I will take care of the children no matter what and he doesn’t have to have any responsibility. Like we spent the day at his sisters and he hid all day in one of the bedrooms playing video games and not disciplining SD when she was bullying her cousins. And when my SIL asked SD to stop and she wouldn’t, I stepped in. H then walked out of the room and told me not to argue with SD.

I am packing all of my belongings tomorrow and moving bigger things into storage. On Monday, while he is at work, I’ll move out to my gf’s extra bedroom for few weeks til I can work out a more permanent place for me and our son.

I cannot do this anymore. I wish I left him before our son was even born so it would’ve been easier and less stressful. I’ve done it all on my own anyway with our son so it’s not like my life would’ve been that much different. Probably a lot more happier and less stressful.

EDIT: he also reckons that this subreddit has brainwashed me from being a submissive maid and nanny into a wife that holds her husband accountable lol

Update: we just had our first real conversation in 3 years. I’m so grateful. They’re going to give her phone back for school next week and I’m going to cry huge tears if all the antisocial behaviors come back.

Sharing this in case anyone would find it helpful.

SD13 has had an unrestricted phone since age 7. She finally had it taken away because she was sending aggressively sexual things to a boy and lying that he wanted it. (Not just nudes… other stuff too). She responded well to hearing that the phone would be taken away. She did it because she was bored all summer and not getting any attention… just spending hours in her room looking at her phone.

Well… it’s week 3 of no iphone. I knew it would help, but WOW.

She is a different kid! + Helping with chores and not complaining about it + Reading graphic novels when she always said “I hate reading!” + Writing all the time + Playing games with her sister + Being nice to DW and BS2 + Not trying to blame everyone else for her life

I’m not saying everything’s perfect, I’m saying everything’s manageable now because she’s actually really pleasant to be around.

If anyone’s on the fence about a screen detox, do it. One of the few things DW and I agree on is a low screen lifestyle: no video games, no iPads, only one tv in the house, and from now on, phones will be monitored. It isn’t like when we were kids. This stuff can totally change a child if they’re too obsessed with it.

Hi all, just wanted to say thank you for the support I received on my last several posts. My relationship is finally over and I've moved out. There are some things I miss but ultimately I feel so much happier, lighter, and at peace, and I'm very pleased with my decision. I appreciate all the advice and support from the folks on this sub. Wishing you all well!

Posted last week about how miserable my life has become. https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1do5ghk/34m_and_i_hate_this_lige/

So i've been reading the answers i got and thought about it a lot. Last night, i had a loooong talk with my SO.

I can't do this any longer. I cannot pretend to be part of something i am not. I can love them, but i can't give up my life for them. Doing that would require getting something back, something that only bioparents get.

I tried HARD for 4 years. And result? My mental health is a wreck. I'm a wreck, a shadow of who i used to be. I don't have a home anymore. I doesn't feel like my home.

I want to come home after a hard days work and just relax. Not listen to fight, whining and rudeness.

My SO was very understanding. Although very sad, also very understanding. She finally sees the hell i've been going through in this constellation.

We were so much in love when we met and in such a rush to just be with each other, that we forgot that life catches up. We agree life was just better and easier not living together. And after moving in, love started to fade and family life took over. And now we're two stressed grown ups, with a life we don't particularly enjoy.

So we've decided, starting august, i'm moving out. We're trying this solution for three months. Living apart. We can hang out when she doesn't have the kids. I'll visit sometimes when she does, but get much needed rest to heal from my childhood trauma and get my nervous system regulated again.

We'll see how this works out. But i need to work on myself and i need peace and calm to work as a human. I have my fears about the future, if i were to decide that we should live separately in the future. Splitting up our economies and she buying my share of the house.

Although, this is not my vision of how a relationship should be, this is the solution i'm willing to accept for us to stay with each other. Thank you for the support guys.

An update since my last post: https://reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/9Ed8rGZgyF

I finally ended the relationship last night, after getting no answer on what the plans were for the upcoming holidays and him blatantly disregarding my feelings on his relationship with BM.

During an argument, he yelled “Look, HCBM isn’t going anywhere, ok?” Well, I am. 👋

I’m grieving but I’m also relieved. No more Disney parenting. No more watching him act like a doormat for HCBM. I have my weekends back.

Just wanted to brag on myself a little and also thank this subreddit. I’m finally free. Being CF, I learned a very important lesson. No more single dads. Ever. Again.

Here's the link to my original post https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/J4BYUpSxFh

So it's been a week and what a week.

So things were a little awkward for about a day, more me than her still feeling a little ashamed until some of the supportive comments came in reassuring me. Thank you all it really helped.

Since I realised she wasn't fazed it's like a wall has come down she actually talks to me about stuff some things that was a mum only subjects and just genal communicationhas gone up yen fold , I'm getting attacked with random hugs and I love it. Generally, it's just a lot more comfy around each other.

The bit that has absolutely blown my mind and almost had me bawling again was out of nowhere she said love you I not thinking she was talking to me i missed it till she pipes up with oi I said I love you. Now don't get me wrong we do say it to each other usually led be me saying it first and most of the time I get a ok in response and I don't really mind but this little thing was such a great feeling.

I know we are only a week from the event but the difference is mind blowing.

If I could give advice to any stwp parents be patient, don't sweat the small stuff and love them like your own it's alot of hard work but when it all clicks into place, WOW is all I can say.

One happy stepdad at the start of a true daddy, daughter relationship may it long continue.

It’s been a few months since the last post. I don’t know how to link, but it’s in my history. Basically, I finally got wise to being gaslighted. I didn’t really want to admit it and thought maybe it was just in my head because of the terms’ popularity- but I actually was. Long story short, DH (I’m just going to self read as “damn husband” instead of “dear husband”) told me to leave his house multiple times. He’d always be real sweet the next day, or just act like nothing happened. Anyway, I told him why it affects me and I was stupid enough to really open up to him and then around 2 weeks later, he says it again. Ok, no problem. Rent is extremely high for my area (~1k+\mo) and living with my parents isn’t ideal. So, I bought a house. A small house with a little fenced in yard in a quiet neighborhood that’s a little closer to town. My company offered a 1 time 401k withdrawal for those affected by COVID, and I qualified. It’s a hit on my retirement by about 3 years, but I’m ultimately ok with it. I am using it for down payment, fees, minor repairs, and making it a home. I am not divorced, but several people mentioned I should either do so or get separated. My state doesn’t recognize “legal separation” so I got a lawyer and we drafted and signed a post-nup. I told him I would not fight him in a divorce, but he would have to either pay my legal fees or wait until I can save more since I am taking on a massive financial investment. He will never be able to take my home, ever. I’m looking forward to making it mine, decorating, painting, cooking, having wine on the couch and lounging around freely with my cat. I don’t have to feel like a stranger or unwanted any more- or deal with a messy house. 2 more sleeps and I will be home 😊

His daughter has been violent for the last 3 years. It all culminated when she tried to stab me with a pencil and I developed PTSD from being constantly terrified of her. I just feel so scared even being in our home.

I'm looking for female roommates and bringing my cat with me. If the violence stops, great. If not, then I don't know. At least I'm taking steps towards where I need to go.

In response to a post a few months ago about some discomfort over [lack of] boundaries with BM, many of you weighed in that this was perhaps simply not the situation for me. I've finally accepted this and am on my way out the door after a rollercoaster 2 week period (/2 mth period? /6 mth period? Looking back maybe it's all been a rollercoaster?)

(Pardon what's becoming a rant but I need to boost myself and my decision rn...)

I finally tried to express to him why those situations made me uncomfortable, and he went straight on the defensive ("I don't like her either / It's hard for me too!") before finally telling me how appreciative he was to have me with him in those situations. It had become a theme, the need to tease appreciation/apologies/reciprocity out of him?

It was weeks of events around the SK's birthday, then taking SK out the night before he (edit: SK) went to Mexico with BM (during which of course she was sending SO lots of pics of not just SK, but selfies of the 2 of them), celebrating SK's last day of school. I'd expressed over the course of that time that I was having a hard time, and it just felt like I was getting the crumbs of SO's energy and attention while being a supportive partner and pseudo-stepmom throughout. I finally told him-- he should have been groveling, and instead it was always just business as usual.

I've tried to express how I feel like it's always been on me to adapt to his life as opposed to him actually making space for me in it, but he always acts like being welcomed into his life is the same as making the space. For all the stepping up I do, the time and energy and affection I give both him and the kid, he still makes me feel like it's not enough, getting moody or sometimes even lashing out at me on the nights I'd prefer to stay home.

He refuses to understand that my life changed so much more drastically than his upon entering this relationship, and that sometimes I miss my old freedom and independence, that I just need time and space sometimes. It feels like he resents me at times for not having the same limitations on my life; when I travel for work or have plans that don't involve him or he can't participate in because he's parenting.

When our discussions devolved to texting the other night he did 2 things that really sealed the deal for me, that made me realize he was never going to get it. First, he shared a screenshot of the text conversation he was having with his stepmom where she said she didn't remember it being difficult to be with a man with kids (*excellent* validation of my position, I see you're really trying to see my side, honey!!!).

And then -- an early issue of ours, that it took me months to address, was that his 8y.o. was still sleeping in his bed for the first few mths of our relationship. When I'd sleep over (which I only ever did to be helpful! To *drive the kid to school* on mornings when SO worked early!), I slept in the kid's room and felt so weird about it and finally brought it up last summer. I'd hoped that in the past year he'd looked at that like, "Wow, that was definitely a weird position I put her in, I could've made different choices." NOPE. In that text discussion, he had the nerve to make me the bad guy for "hardly sleeping over" (not even true!) after I'd "thrown a fit" and he "changed for me." And he closed out the discussion saying he wished *I* could empathize with *him* more...

It's sad because I know he adores me, I know (despite how I've made him sound here) he's a very caring and compassionate person, I know he's only ever doing what he thinks is the best for his son despite a rocky childhood of his own and a parenting situation I don't think he was ever really prepared for. I've really enjoyed being a part of his (and his kid's!) life, and I'm trying to imagine ways we could still somehow be in each other's lives. But ultimately I've decided there's too little balance here, it's on me to give and give and give and accept the dregs of what he has available, and I need more than that. *broken heart emoji* *tear emoji* *meditate emoji*

My (36f) ex finance (37m) finally broke it off. This is day 4 of the break up and I feel an odd combination of sad and relieved. I have a 15f daughter and he has a 13m son and we have an “our child” who is 6m. We’ve been together for 10 years so I knew his son almost a good chunk of his life. I accepted my now ex and his son and when my ss mother passed away during Covid, we took him full time. This is when the problems started. When I say problems, I mean the usual stuff it started as small lies and antagonizing my son. My now ex would work full time and I had just stopped working to be able to get all the kids to school and be available. The behavior moved onto manipulation. SS would orchestrate issues that would cause friction with my ex and I. I’ve tried to explain SS’s tactics to him, but it always ended in me being the bad guy. SO called off our engagement because I refused to watch SS anymore due to his behavior towards me. Eventually we got back together a week later and tried to work on it…. The older SS got, the worse it got and my ex would find excuses to all of it. The last straw was when SS punched our son in the stomach because he walked in between the tv and SS with a blanket. My son was trying to go to bed and I guess SS lost the game and hit him. I told my ex and then my ex went in the room to talk to him. When my ex came out, he told me that SS was crying and saying how I never talk with him anymore”. This is true. I’ve nacho’d hardcore with him. This is because whenever we interact, it opens the window for more disrespect. Also, my ex had said if he himself didn’t witness any wrong doing, he would believe SS over me. So I disengaged completely from SO. I tried to tell SO that SS wasn’t upset and only cried to avoid any repercussions for hitting his little brother. My ex didn’t believe that and told me I needed to fix it because he was done hearing about it. Keep in mind this is only a problem because he’s interfered with me trying to hold SS accountable when he’s antagonizing my daughter and my son. So SS knows his dad will defend him and definitely uses it to his advantage. My idea was to ask him if he’d like to talk. I wanted to find a way to prove SS didn’t really want to talk to me and only put on the waterworks for show. I attempted 4x and all 4x he said maybe later like I knew he would. All in all, none of it really mattered and I ended up confronting him about how I felt in this relationship by constantly being disregarded and being expected to just endure SS’s behavior. I needed some type of reassurance he loved me because lately it’s just been so exhausting. So I told him I need him to decide what he wants to do. I’m open to couples counseling and I’m also ok if he’d like to move out. He chose to leave. I’m sad because I really loved him…but I’m relieved because I no longer have to deal with being dismissed and disrespected in my own home. I told my daughter today they were leaving and she was cool about it. I’m just sad for our son because now his older brother and dad are going to leave and he’s probably going to wonder why he can’t go.

Fortunately we are handling everything pretty cordially. I have time to work on myself and heal because our relationship had some rough spots. I haven’t been up for talking to my friends and family much but just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening guys ❤️

My best friend's boyfriend is coming tomorrow and I am taking everything I own and moving out of the state. I just wanted to give everyone an update after my last post. I am never dating someone with kids again lol!

Even just this morning the loser was trying to use my food as a morning snack to bring to his kid for drop off.

We talked about a recent issue we had and I basically explained that I don't see myself living with him with his current parenting style. I only brought up the parts of his parenting style where he doesn't say no and lets her rule every decision. (I have issues with almost every aspect of his parenting style, but I chose to leave those out during our talk) His responses were "most parents don't have the same parenting styles" and "our views of parenting are different probably because of how we were raised" (him in a single child, married parents household, me in a 2 siblings, single parent household). At the end of the conversation he said he didn't think DD was a monster yet and he'd stop it before it got to that point, but her happiness is what means the most to him.

Definitely a shot in the heart, as it seems like my thoughts of just being a time filler when he doesn't have his daughter look to be true and that my happiness will never really matter when it comes to hers. I guess we'll continue living separately and I'll stop hanging out around him when he has DD. If he wants me to play a SM role, but doesn't even consider what I am asking, that means I'm just a girlfriend. And that might be the farthest we go in our relationship.

OG POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/18y2893/am_i_in_my_right_to_try_to_prevent_a_possible/