r/stepparents • u/throwaway7543596 • Mar 15 '21
Update UPDATE Boyfriend is having a baby with his ex but wants to be in a relationship with me.
Hi again! I'm aware this probably isn't the best sub for this, but since I posted my original post here (https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/l3yqj6/boyfriend_is_having_a_baby_with_his_ex_but_wants/) I thought I'd also post the update here.
First of all, thanks to everyone who commented and tons of people, who gave me a reality check. Looking back at it, I can't believe how naive I was. I really thought it could all somehow work out.
After I posted here, I met with him about a week later and I did something I'm not proud of - I went through his phone when he was sleeping. I just... I had a feeling that he wasn't telling me something.
As you can guess, I was right. It turned out he invited her to spend Christmas with him and his family, his parents and sister even got her presents. He told me he was staying on his own, because he was getting sick.
From the texts I'd say he was coming over to her about two or three times a week - I knew nothing.
I just kept reading and I was so unbelievably mad that I ever trusted a word he said and then it hit me. She didn't know. She didn't know we were still together, because he completely avoided the topic. There was even a point where he said something like "I'm so tired, I'm not even gonna shower" and she said "That's gross, but if there's no one that would mind, it's your problem" and he said "you know there isn't anyone".
I confronted him about it. He was reasonably mad at me for going through his texts, but didn't have any explanation for the rest. He "didn't want to brag about us to her when she's pregnant and emotional". He invited her for Christmas "because his parents told him to". He didn't tell me he was meeting with her regularly (and more often than with me) because "he knew I would get mad about it". I just... I felt stupid. I still do.
She's giving birth in May. I blocked both of them on every fucking platform I could think of because I just can't. I really don't care if they get back together or not, I don't want to ever hear their names again.
So, most of you were right - leaving was the only option. After reading your stories and struggles, all I can say is - you're all fucking heroes. I applaud each and every one of you, because dealing with a relationship is sometimes hard enough - add other adults and children, it's just... a nightmare (not always, I presume?).
Sorry if you didn't care about this update, but I just really wanted to get this off my chest, close this chapter and move on.
Edit: You all are so lovely. Thank you, for saving a random internet stranger from all of this drama lol. I wish all of you the absolute best!
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 Mar 15 '21
I am proud of you! And so glad to hear you found out the truth and moved on with your life. Let them have that dumpster fire of a relationship. Go find a man you can trust and who deserves you.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Thank you so much!
Yeah, it's their circus and their damn monkeys, I'm out lol
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u/Lucy_in_the_sky_0 Mar 15 '21
I have never been so happy to hear an update. Girl, you dodged more than a bullet, you dodgeda bom. While it's true some people don't get back together (I never reconciled with my ex, and we were broken up by the time the stick turned pink. In fact, we haven't spoken in 19 years), more often than not, it's a fucked up mess. I would never ever advise someone to get involved. His lies are icing on the shit cake.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Girl, thank you! I'm happy to finally see him for who he is.
Even if they don't get back together they're still not handling this in a way that would allow either of them to have a relationship - I can't imagine anyone being okay with this.
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u/the_YellowRanger Mar 15 '21
They're playing childs games with children involved. He tried to drag you in too. Glad you ran
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u/classicsalti Mar 15 '21
Me too! I was just wondering about OP the other day. I remember in the original post she said ‘I don’t want people telling me to break up with him’ but everyone had sisters best interest at heart and told her to run.
OP, hell yeah. Leave those two behind. Never be tempted to go back - he’s shown his colours and you deserve so much more than what he has to offer.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
I should have listened then, but I just had to find out the harder way.
Thank you. I'm not looking back <3
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u/Mamabeardan Mar 15 '21 edited Mar 15 '21
I know people say that going through a spouse's phone is bad but in my experience when you have a gut feeling sometimes getting confirmation is all the push you need to move on. (I would also advise to find yourself a man that doesn't give you that gut feeling. Its so much easier on your mental health.)
Right now things will be tough because its still fresh but I promise that sometime soon he wont even be a blimp on your radar. And when you look at it objectively you really lucked out (I know it probably doesn't seem like it now but trust me you did). His poor ex is now tied to a man who is a liar and loser FOREVER while you get to cut him clean out of your life.
I would also like to add that not every parent is bad but I would advise staying away from anyone with a pregnant ex or a new baby. There's normally too much drama there. His focus shouldn't be on dating right now but his upcoming baby.
\Edited to fix spelling error*
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
It's been... a mix of emotions. But even if I'm laying in bed crying about it, at least I know it's over and I can focus on myself.
Oh yeah! If I meet anyone and they're in a similar situation I wish them the best, but that's all. Not getting into that drama.
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Mar 15 '21
I went through my ex boyfriends phone right before I met my husband. We ended up breaking up because I found out he was on tinder / actively cheating on me. He said a lot of the same things your ex did. I explained this to my husband (just friends at the time) and as we grew our relationship he knew that trust was big for me and a struggle because of what I just went through. The reason I say this, is because my husband gave me his passcode right away. Never gives me a reason to want to go through his phone. Even had me check his unread messages for him before we were married. If I tell him something bothers me or if I’m feeling insecure about something, his first response is “I’m so sorry, is there something I’ve done that made you feel that way so I can be sure not to do it anymore?” Followed up by words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. The reason I say all this is because I needed to hear it when I was in your shoes. The right man will do everything in his power to make sure you are comfortable and secure in your relationship. Not that the right man has to do all of those things, privacy is also important, but still, you deserve better. I’m so happy for you - you got out before things got even more complicated.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Can I just say what you said about your husband made me a tiny bit emotional? That's the level of trust and care I dream of.
I wish you all the best!
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Mar 15 '21
You took the necessary step toward getting it. I’m so proud of you (because I have been there) and you have SUCH great things ahead of you if you keep what you want in mind and don’t settle for less. You know your worth and what you want - you’ll make sure the next one provides what you need in a relationship. Congratulations - again, just so happy for you!
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
You're such a lovely person! Thank you so so much!
I can't wait to see what the future holds for me <3
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u/randomuserIam SD11 | BD0 Mar 15 '21
Me and SO have been cheated on in our past relationships. We both value our privacy and we both highly value trust. The only time I was not fully allowed on his phone was when he was looking at engagement rings, though I have access to it anyway. That is incredibly refreshing. We both have immense trust in each other and are an open book. That makes worlds difference.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
That's lovely. Honestly, there's so much crap that we deal in day to day life - a relationship should be the thing you never have doubts about.
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u/TheSandersonSisters Mar 15 '21
This is an unpopular opinion but honestly, Im so sick of the whole "you should never EVER go through someones phone" thing. I'm not talking about the overly jealous possessive type, but I swear the only time I ever checked my ex husbands phone in the decade we were together, it was because I had a feeling. And guess what, I found what I was looking for and then I was able to move on with my life without him. If you have a strong enough gut feeling, I feel like it's fair to check. Why spend more hours, days, YEARS staying in relationship wondering if you're just crazy? If I would have subscribed to the whole never go through their phone philosophy, I'd still be married while everyone else knew my ex husband was fucking his ex behind my back.
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u/randombubble8272 Mar 15 '21
Seriously, the way people go on you’d swear they were poisoning their partner or something. If you’re checking it constantly and finding nothing, then yeah you’re in the wrong. But if you find evidence they’ve cheated? You did nothing wrong.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Exactly! Would those people rather still be with that person and never know? I'd never want to waste time like that.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
I agree 100%! I just mentioned that because a lot of people think this and I didn't want any comments saying "you shouldn't have done that" etc.
If you have a strong enough gut feeling, I feel like it's fair to check. Why spend more hours, days, YEARS staying in relationship wondering if you're just crazy?
Amen. I'd rather be crazy for reading his texts then!
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Mar 15 '21
[deleted]
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Thank you!
I would totally understand him needing the time and space to figure things out, put "us" on hold and maybe reconsider in the future, but now? I'm not even saying "hi" when I see him, he made his choices and I made mine.
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u/lizardjustice 37F, SD17, BS3 Mar 15 '21
While I always think reading an SOs texts is a bad idea, I'm so glad you have left and I am so glad you found out he's lying scum before you dedicate yourself to helping him raise his child.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Oh, I think the same, but I just didn't know what to do - I asked him so many times about this and I just knew I had to find out a different way.
Thank you! I'm definitely happy I made that decision.
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Mar 15 '21
[deleted]
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u/lizardjustice 37F, SD17, BS3 Mar 15 '21
I think if you have that gut feeling, there are already huge problems with trust in the relationship and that is probably reason enough to not continue in it. So I don't disagree, that gut feeling probably is for a good reason. But if the trust issues in a relationship are so far gone that you have to read texts, it's probably time to end it anyway, whether snooping gives you the answer or not.
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u/sasspancakes Mar 15 '21
So sorry, after reading your first post I was hoping it was going to be a good update. In a way I suppose it is though, you definitely dodged a bullet!!
I was in the same situation sort of, but met my SO a month before BM gave birth. I was very lucky to have met him when I did, and I've had such an incredible experience learning how to parent at the same pace as my SO. He's always open with communication with BM, he lets me see all their conversations, but I don't ask to because I trust him. Things couldn't have gone better and I feel like I hit the lottery.
I hope life turns around for you, and you get the happiness you deserve!!
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Thank you so much! I wish things were different - I was really giving it all I could.
So happy your situation turned out differently <3 Honesty is the best policy, especially in such difficult circumstances.
I wish you all the best!
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Mar 15 '21 edited Mar 15 '21
[deleted]
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
I never did it in any of my previous relationships but I guess I never had a reason.
And honestly, what are you supposed to do when you know they're hiding something, but you just can't prove it? If I didn't do it I would still be beating myself up for not accepting the situation and not supporting him enough, when he didn't even acknowledge our relationship to his family or friends.
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Mar 15 '21
It doesn’t sound like he and she have split up.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s definitely time to move on from this hot mess.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Honestly, I have no idea and I'd rather not find out.
Thank you! I'm trying my best, a day at a time.
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u/BlackWidow7d Mar 15 '21
I’m not sorry things ended for you, only sorry that you had to go through this. Reading your initial post, my first thought was to tell you to leave the relationship. Now, you can get your life back on track and focus on what you really need. And it’s not all that drama from a cheating loser.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
That's something my friends said as well :) Honestly I'm really looking forward to just being by myself, not constantly thinking about this mess which was driving me crazy at some point.
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u/educatedvegetable Mar 15 '21
Good for you! I remember the post and am glad for the update that you have left the situation. People say you shouldn't go though your SOs phones but if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing. My SO and I have each others email, phone and bank passwords because sometimes you need access for some reason or another like doing the month's finances or you need to search for something but your phone isn't handy.
He clearly wanted to keep his options open which is why he kept it a secret. Glad you trusted your gut!
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Thank you!
That makes sense, also if you're in a comitted relationship and you don't trust each other, what kind of relationship is that lol
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u/NOthing__Gold Mar 15 '21
I didn't see the first post and I care about this update! Do not feel stupid for not knowing. When you wouldn't dream of playing with people like he has done, it's hard to know what to look for. Unless someone is doing something obviously shifty, you can't be held to account for being a reasonably trusting person.
A few years back I discovered (my now ex) fiancé had been cheating on me for months. I literally had no idea and was shocked!! In his mind, the relationship had been over for a while and he had only been staying with me for financial assistance and insurance benefits.
I had helped him with his young son, had put out so much money, had helped him become certified in his trade, had made decisions based on a future together...I felt sooooo stupid!! The day I found out, I changed the locks, packed his stuff, and never saw him in person again (despite his cries a week later that he had made a mistake). I realized that I wasn't stupid (stupid would have been taking him back), I simply had trusted another adult to be respectful and truthful.
(fyi - I heard through the grapevine that he is no longer employed, lost his licence from a DUI, hasn't seen his child in months, and is behind on his child support... karma is lovely).
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Thank you!
I think you're right - I could never do something like this so it's just hard to wrap my head around.
So glad you got out of that situation and karma definitely is a bitch lol
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u/Awkward-Bread9599 Mar 15 '21
I’m sorry it had to end this way, but you really dodged a bullet here. At least it ended fairly early. I wish you all the best.
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Mar 15 '21
So glad you didn’t pursue that dead end. Going through someone’s phone feels shitty, but sometimes you need that confirmation. Go be free and enjoy it!
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Thank you! Definitely have to process my feelings a bit more, but I'm ready to put all of this behind me.
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u/Useful-Judge-4319 Mar 15 '21
Whatever you do DO NOT LOOK BACk! Do not get back with this person under any circumstance it’s not worth it!
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u/lolbria Mar 15 '21
I had wondered how this would turn out! I’m sorry he was being so dishonest but I’m very proud of you for getting the heck out of that situation.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Not going to lie, I kinda thought I'd come back in a few months with a different update but it is what it is - I'm glad I'm not wasting even a second more with him.
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u/anniemaew Stepmum to a 4.5 year old boy, pregnant with first "ours" Mar 15 '21
I'm sorry this happened to you. He sounds like an absolute insert expletive here.
I'm also glad that you reached out here and that you found out the truth. Sending you love as you move onwards and upwards - you're so much better than this.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
Thank you so much!
Actually posting here was so incredibly helpful - all the people in my life meant well with their advice, but they had no clue what they would actually do. It was just amazing to get input from people who actually were/are in a similar situation. It's a lovely sub, is all I'm trying to say!
I wish you all the best <3
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u/Iamaredditlady Mar 15 '21
I am so proud of you that you didn’t ignore the red flags.
He immediately proved to you how much of a coward he is.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
To be honest, for some time I did. He would always have his phone with him (literally slept with it in his hand), he would cancel on me without a reason (now I guess the reason was his ex wanted to see him and he put her above me). I was blindly in love with him, I guess.
The fact that he invited her for Christmas, spending time with his family like they were still a couple was just the icing on cake. I value myself too much to be someone's secret.
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u/Iamaredditlady Mar 16 '21
Everyone ignores them to start with because they could be honest misunderstandings. But the problem is when you clearly see them and still ignore them.
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u/Yellab89 Mar 15 '21
I would leave.... live a peaceful life not revolved around other peoples decisions.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
I did. Honestly, true.
I'm not the one who didn't use protection and now is stuck with a kid for the rest of their life - I'm building my career, focusing on myself and if I find the right person having kids when we're both ready and can provide a healthy environment for them.
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u/rosamaria830 Mar 15 '21
No !
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 15 '21
I'm sorry, what?
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Mar 15 '21
So happy for you that you've managed to extricate yourself from a very messy and difficult situation!
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
Damn right! I'm so happy I have my friends and family to lean on, because to be honest it was all incredibly mentally draining for me.
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u/mmspenc2 Mar 15 '21
honestly, good for you! You dodged a major bullet and I am proud of you. Keep your head up. All good things to you in the future. 💕💕💕
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
Thank you!
The pain and heartbreak will pass - and hopefully better things are waiting for me. <3
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Mar 16 '21
Girl, go make yourself the biggest baddest life you can! You dodged a bad deal and now you’re free to make your own way in life. Bravo to you for making the right choice by putting yourself first.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
That's the plan! That's actually what I told him when I was leaving - that I'm out and nothing for me changes. I'll be heartbroken for a while and I'll get over it. Him? He's stuck with a child with his ex and he can't even be honest about his relationship with her.
If anything, I feel sorry for the child. I can't imagine having parents that are so immature, can't have boundaries and play with other people's feelings. Sorry if I sound bitter, I'm just fucking done with that lol
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u/Serenity413 Mar 16 '21
Kudos for you for walking away from this. A guy whose willing to lie and deceive you while putting you behind his baby mama and keeping you hidden like a dirty secret - yeah run and don’t bother looking back.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
Thank you!
All while telling me he never felt the way he felt with me with anyone else and all those sweet things that actually meant shit.
I'd actually be fine with them having clear, normal communication - but flirting and acting like he's not even in a relationship because "she might get mad about it"? Hell no.
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u/happycoffeecup Mar 16 '21
I’m happy for you! This sucks and I know it must hurt horribly. You were willing to make great sacrifices for him and he couldn’t even give you the curtesy of telling the truth when it wasn’t fun for him. Putting yourself out there like that and dreaming of a future together, even a flawed one, hurts. I wish you healing and joy and new love with someone who treats you so well. Better days are coming.
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
Thank you!
It does suck. I'm no saint but I was really trying and it turned out it was for nothing. I spent SO much time beating myself up over being too emotional, jealous, not accepting this even when there was nothing that could be done at that point and it was all pointless.
I hope I'll find someone that makes me a priority and I can have the future I dream of.
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u/happycoffeecup Mar 17 '21
You aren’t “too” anything and I agree you’ll find someone who, like Ron Weasley, knows how to sort out their priorities.
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u/Heretic_Cupcake Mar 16 '21
Even pretending that he wasn't lying and seeing her behind your back, inviting her to Christmas shows he's the type that would have boundaries issues on co-parenting without acting like they are still together. You dodged a bullet on all fronts. Phew!
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
That's exactly why I felt like "okay, I'm really done with this". I just had this vision of the future where they do all the family stuff and I can't even get mad because it's their child and just... too much drama, honestly.
Especially after I said so many times that they need to figure things out, have proper boundaries and everything. It was so important for me to be honest and clear - I guess he said to me what I wanted to hear and he said to her what she did.
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u/pedrojuanita Mar 16 '21
Good job
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u/throwaway7543596 Mar 16 '21
Thank you! I've been so emotional and sad, but I know I made the right choice.
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u/SamuelLBronkowitz20 Mar 26 '21
I just watched this play out on Friends with Ross and Rachel while Ross was trying to date Nora! You made the right call by walking away.
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