Why can’t the kids love both houses almost equally?

[u/Soft-Piglet5454]

Title speaks for itself. But seriously…. My son has a great relationship with his father and I. We’ve been separated/divorced almost 3 years and he says on an almost daily basis about loving mom and dad plus gives little to no issues going between houses. No conflict between my ex husband and I in front of him, he freely goes to both sides of family members when he wants as well as both sides getting along well for the sake of my child. Do a complete 180, and my SKs live in absolute hell. Having HCBM tell them how awful my husband, myself and all our family is… making them verbally say that their house is better on an almost weekly basis. The list goes on but it’s absolutely sickening and as a BM myself I have tried and tried relentlessly to understand the need for validation on her end and I’ll NEVER get it nor would I ever even think about putting my child through that. Hurts my heart to end to watch these kiddos go through this. Anyone have any success stories of teen or adult SKs being able to come through a situation like this?

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[u/overcaffeinatedfemme]

My situation is very similar and it sucks. I feel you and I'm interested to see what those relationships will look like when they're older. Reading Divorce Poison was a good perspective for me and gave me hope for the future - it might be for you. Sounds like a lot of parental alienation going on

[u/No_Intention_3565 → u/overcaffeinatedfemme]

The outcome of parental alienation is much easier to predict. Doom. Basically. There is no magic serum or antidote to undo parental alienation.

[u/anneofred]

A ton of kids figure out that toxic shit if it’s one sided by the time teen and young adult time comes. They get tired of hearing shit talk about their other parent when it’s not their experience and often distance. Not all, but a lot. Best to just be consistent and don’t play BM’s game.

[u/Sillypotatoes3]

Parental alienation works well when they are little because they are easily manipulated. As they begin to get older they open their eyes to it. They see what other families look like and how they operate. They also start forming their own opinions on how that parent makes them feel. Hopefully that will be the case for you guys. I can’t understand how people do that to their poor kids.

[u/PollyRRRR]

Parental and step-parental alienation has been the hardest story of my life. All these years on and 1 adult SK clearly sees what HCBM has done and is extremely angry and resentful with her. The other SK, knows to but has no boundaries and will always default to defending HCBM and I’m the villain. Zero f**ks given these days. Hate away.

[u/moreidlethanwild]

My adult stepkids were victims of this alienation as children thanks to HCBM. There was a year where we didn’t see them as they’d been told we didn’t want them at our house. We’ve had to do a lot of healing - it’s SO hard because you want to correct what they’ve been told, but in doing so it causes them grief to realise their trusted mother has lied to them. It takes time to unpick it all and therapy is essential.

We just had our youngest here for Christmas. Last year it was both of them. That speaks for itself to me.

[u/FabulousDonut6399]

Success story depends on who came out best for you in mine. My SD now 19 has turned into her mom. HCBM has done a number on her kids. She allowed my SO to have a relationship with them as long as he allowed her access to all of his finances, his partners and he jumped at her every whim. I came and he asked me to not allow her to contact me because she controlled him through his exes. I obliged and she went absolute full HC as soon as I got pregnant. I also stopped the financial abuse. She tried to take over my pregnancy through SD14 and SS12 and when I blocked that and the kids also got fed up, she started poisoning them while ignoring SD had mental issues caused by years of HCBM’s abuse. SS got forced by HCBM to come to her place and she didn’t allow him to come back for months. SD still came and then the bombshell dropped. SD had been automutilating and tried to unalive herself and her mom made any conversation she had a bout it about her. SD confided in me and while her dad supported that HCBM when full HC and SD started to act weird even trying to cut and wound her half sibling. At that time she was already in therapy and I put in some hard boundaries which concerned my daughter just to keep her safe from these people. Long story short, SD institutionalised, SS came back, life was pleasant with exception of the family therapy where everyone psychologists included discovered a pattern of lies by HCBM and she switched institutions. All of the sudden SD didn’t want family therapy any more, then no therapy with dad, then she didn’t want to live with dad anymore, then she broke of contact and had the nerve to ask via SS to meet up my daughter alone. Today SS17 tells us living with SD19 is a living hell. He actually comes here more than he has to with the week/week arrangement and when he’s at HCbM he spends most his nights with his friends or gf. He told us HCBM would love send SD away because she can’t stand living with her anymore but she can’t afford it. So basically for us it’s a success that we have happy lives with our kid and SS but we do miss SD just not the SD &SS puppeted by HCBM. HCBM is a mentally unstable controlling woman who messed up her daughter completely. Her other daughter moved to the other side of the world, her other son left to live with his dad to get away from her and we’re expecting SS to also wake up some day. But for SD I’m not sure it will ever be a success.

[u/Character-Habit4505]

As a child I went through the same with my parents One day my dad had enough and started would let us read all the text/ documents to show he wasn’t the problem. I highly recommend letting SK see the “evidence” and form their own opinion. (Although some would argue that’s not appropriate, I loved it, I was able to stop the he said she said games my mom and dad would play and see clearly what was going on)

Now that I am a SM myself and on the receiving end. It’s exactly what you said, some need for validation HCBM seems to have some internal competition to be the “favorite” parent, “winning” in the moment bc she manipulated a 5yr old, is more important then maintaining a healthy and honest relationship with her children. That alone speaks volumes, what grown adult gets their validation in life that way?!? If she’s willing to manipulate and destroy her relationship with her children over how they feel about their dad I can 100% guarantee she’s doing it with other aspects of their life as well. HCBMs obvious tactic to put her own emotional needs above her children’s even at their own detriment is only going to backfire.

They way I’ve gone about handling it, when SD repeats the I only love my mom, I like my moms house better, my mom cares about me more etc. Just simply tell her you’re allowed to love both parents, you don’t have to have a “favorite” house, you’re dad will always love you no matter what, you wouldn’t be here if he didn’t. Sucks taking the “higher road” but trust me SK will love you much more in the end for it

[u/Lalaloo_Too]

My SO’s therapist said that all children will gravitate to the home that offers love and security. So regardless of all the emotional trauma inflicted on the kids by BM, especially when they were young, we kept doing our thing. The first started with us full-time at 13 now three years ago, the second now 14 has just changed their custody a few months ago to full time here.

We’ve found that once they hit around 12 - 13 they start seeing things differently- they can’t be manipulated the same way, and frankly the teenage years are the most selfish years - so they’ll go to where they feel they have the most support. And honestly, mom’s who do this kind of thing are not pleasant to live with - eventually it gets to be too much. The anger isn’t usually directed in just one place, it’s everywhere.

Not sure how old your kids are, but the teen years is usually the time they will start to see and make their own decisions. You two just keep doing you and eventually they’ll see which house is more loving.

[u/Bitchtitty28]

I don’t have a success story, as I’m currently living in this similar situation 😓 we don’t have any kids of our own yet, but my SD is almost 16 and her mother bad mouths us and is a super HCBM. SD has barely visited us this year and unfortunately seems to be believing and siding with her mother more and more. What exacerbates the situation is that my partner takes it soooo personal. So I feel like I’m stuck being the one who pacifies and makes her feel comfortable, ironically. She seems to feel more comfortable around me than her dad these days. And I don’t even try that hard

[u/Hefty-Target-7780]

My SK’s HCBM was similar.. which was rich given that he spent about 7% of his time there, 45 miles away, and has always lived full time with my husband (and me once we moved in together).

Eventually my SK cut his mother off. Over the course of the final 8-9 months they talked, HCBM got VERY inconsistent in her parenting time. She’d often cancel her single-night with him while simultaneously claiming how much she wishes they could be together and subtly reminding him how my husband and I aren’t as devoted parents to him as she is. Finally my SK got fed up and told her via text he wasn’t going to be talking to her anymore. That was well over 2 years ago.

My SK has always known where he is safe and loved unconditionally. Naturally, it took him some time, and a lot of counseling, to get him to the point where he was comfortable enough to (1) be conscious of it, (2) accept it, (3) vocalize it and (4) advocate for himself.

It feels hard for the interim because it IS hard for the interim. Keep giving ALL your kids a place they can be 100% themselves, love them unconditionally, and support them. They know where they’re accepted and where they aren’t. And as they grow, their decisions and relationships with each parent (including steps) will reflect that.

[u/No_Intention_3565]

Success stories? Define success.

I believe divorce or bio families splitting apart has a negative impact on almost all kids. Some are more resilient than others. Some - not so much.

I mean, most all come through these situations and enter into adulthood but the impact varies depending all the different factors at play.