r/stepparents • u/zsazsazsu88 • Jan 11 '24
Update Another ‘I’m Out’ post
I made the difficult decision to leave my relationship. My ex SO? Love of my life and fantastic partner when it’s just he and I. Add literally anyone else to the mix? Disaster strikes. Thank you to this sub for opening my eyes and for all of the advice and support the people on here provide - you are all treasures.
If you’re feeling iffy and debating leaving, I’m going to repost something I read here awhile ago (and wish I would’ve acted upon sooner):
If you do not have a partner who is fully committed to the relationship, including your happiness, and does not prioritize you: leave. If you have clearly communicated your wants and needs and they only offer words without actions or improvement: go now.
For 9 months I made compromise after compromise, tried my best to help him see the error of his guilty/permissive parenting ways, tried to get him to set boundaries with his BM so that she would stop taking advantage of him all to no avail. He kept saying the mostly right things and I kept hoping change was around the corner. But remember: the best apology is changed behavior. Change has to be consistent and lasting (not saying there can’t be mistakes because we’re all human).
My final straw was that the narcissistic remarried HCBM who I knew would be an issue once I moved back insisted that she was going to meet me whether I wanted to or not (I had no desire to meet her, parenting is to be done between the two BPs which does not involve me, she’s manipulative and I especially did not want to after she kept demanding it) which would consist of her barging in uninvited and trespassing in the house. I told my now ex-SO that I would call the cops if that were to happen as I have no intention of meeting her and no intention of feeling unsafe without consequences. Who trespasses just to say hi? I don’t trust her for a second. Met with silence. Later that evening, I told him it would make me feel safe if he would set the boundary with her that she is not welcome in his house and that if she tried to trespass, he would be notifying the police. That I didn’t have to meet her if I didn’t want to (which he had agreed was true to my face). He didn’t feel comfortable doing that because of how she’d take it and the kids being there so I didn’t feel comfortable staying there any longer. Last again.
Steps - be with someone who puts you first. All this “the kids come first” nonsense is utter bullshit. That’s the main reason this sub exists. Bios not knowing how to do that or even wanting to and then jumping into a relationship or marriage or God forbid having another child with unsuspecting, good hearted people who they treat like second class citizens in their own relationship/home. Second, third, fourth, or just dead last to anyone else in the dynamic. If it feels off, if you’re not getting your needs met, if you are constantly being put on the back burner and only being respected and appreciated when it’s convenient to the BP?
Save yourself. Love yourself. Choose yourself. We all deserve true happiness and equal partnership. To be treated like the kings and queens we are for all of the love, effort, time, money, and devotion we lavish on these families. Because we’re worth it.
To those who can make it work and are happy? God bless y’all! It’s a really beautiful thing when actual blending happens.
Much love ❤️
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u/cpaofconfusion Jan 11 '24
"To those who can make it work and are happy? God bless y’all! It’s a really beautiful thing when actual blending happens." - Extremely true. There are partners who are worth the extra work, and are good parents.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 11 '24
Absolutely, would never lump all bios/parents like that. I’ve seen a few posters who gave me hope and a great idea of how a healthy blended family should look. Good on them!
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u/blackbird24601 Jan 12 '24
i am one of the happy ones- but despite that- the struggle is REAL!
so many of you are in disrespectful relationships- its not OK
🫂
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
it definitely isn’t and I hope this post as well as others help people to see that. happy for you! this life is rough no matter what!
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u/Whenoceanscollide Jan 12 '24
This is a great post!
To your point about not meeting BM, I was in the same situation when my SO moved in, with BM wanting to have a meeting with just her and I, and she wanted my SO to give her my phone number. I am a nice person but I categorically refused because I am not my SD's parent, I am neck deep in my own kids and the last thing I need is to be triangulated into their parenting.
The difference in my situation is that I have an exceptionally wonderful SO, who dealt with BM to tell her no, and kept up the no even though she kept insisting. He has dealt with her on his own for years now, and they parent SD together without my involvement, as they should.
This is being put first, and I am put first in many other ways, and I put him first in lots of ways too. We are also very conscientious and loving parents to our respective children.
This should not be some sort of weird contest where a step parent is treated like garbage because "kids come first" (but only when it's convenient). If a step parent is being treated like garbage, it is because they have a shitty partner, not because they are some monster who wants to come before the kids. Shitty partners should be left alone to deal with their own mess.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
This makes me tear up. That’s EXACTLY what I wish my ex would’ve done for me. No is a complete sentence and I wish he would’ve stood up for me and us 🥺 truly heart shattering. You have got a great partner and your last paragraph needs to be framed in this sub!! They make us feel like monsters or that we’re asking for the moon when all we really want is to be loved correctly. So very happy for you!! Keep putting each other first!
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u/holliday_doc_1995 Jan 12 '24
Small detail, but I would consider exchanging numbers in case of an emergency. My friend recently had one and the step mom and biomom had no way of communicating while my friend was in the middle of his emergency.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24 edited Jan 13 '24
I had access to his phone and I could’ve asked his parents, kids, or sister for it if need be. HCBMs don’t need access to you - you’d be amazed at what little counts an a “emergency” to them. I’ll choose my peace first.
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Jan 11 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 Jan 12 '24
Please tell me that the doggie 🐕 is alright 🥺🥺🥺???? I don’t know that child but I hate him already 😡
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u/Ok-Replacement-351 Jan 13 '24
Doggie is great, especially with the much calmer environment at home. She luckily didn’t have any broken bones just a sore paw. And that child is a she.. kicks and hits animals when she’s throwing tantrums. Her BPs are doing it all wrong.. or who knows maybe she will grow up to be a serial killer.
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 Jan 13 '24
And people say that kids are cute and never cruel 😡😡😡😡 gosh hope you stay away from that people . She will be a serial killer . You are a good person because I don’t know how I would react if someone or attack my dog 🐕. 😡😡😡
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 11 '24
Go you! I’m so sorry about your dog and I’m really happy for your newfound peace and safety!
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u/Ok-Replacement-351 Jan 12 '24
Thank you! And I’m happy for you too! People keep asking if I’m ok… I’m like I’m the best I’ve been in 3.5 years! BM used to try and get it my house too.. flat out told her myself she wasn’t welcome and she tried to get it put in the court order she had to visit the home. That didn’t go well for her! 🤣
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u/Diligent_Range_2828 Jan 12 '24
Was her paw okay? That’s horrible!
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u/Ok-Replacement-351 Jan 12 '24
Shes ok! I thought something got in the yard when I heard her screaming. But I warned him of she ever hurt my dogs again (she would throw tantrums and hit them) it would be her last time in this house.
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u/Diligent_Range_2828 Jan 12 '24
Pets are like babies, they rely on us for all their needs including protection from harm. I’m glad she was okay, I would’ve put down the same rule, no forgiveness!
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u/Sea_Banana7643 Jan 11 '24
Good for you!!! I’m almost there.. and I’ll be writing a similar post soon. So happy you have your peace back. ♥️
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 Jan 12 '24
Go for it 🥹🥹🥹 be strong and find happiness in life without stepkids
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u/the_millennial_lorax Jan 12 '24
Something I think people are not taught because society has pushed kids for so long:
The adult relationship has to come first and be stable, otherwise the kids / SKs will not be stable. The kids / SKs would not be there without the adults. Period.
You do not need to have kids or like kids. This notion that it's rude to voice that and set boundaries, but not rude to force kids / SKs on people / push people to have kids or accept that even if they don't want it IS RUDE.
Kids / SKs are a product of not just their genes / hormones, but also a product of parenting. One parent can be perfect, but if the other parent is horrible, there is a 50% chance the kid will also be half horrible.
You can be or be dating a perfect parent, but their kid or your kid can still be difficult or bad. Sometimes that's just how it is, and it's no one's fault.
It's okay to not like your SK / kid if they are an asshole -- it doesn't mean you can be an asshole though. BUT STILL SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND RULES.
Assume that SK / K or them / SP / BP dynamic will not get better. If you / your partner has done everything you can so far, and it's not improving the way you'd like, chances are it never will and view the relationship accordingly. Potential does not equal success.
Love is NOT always enough.
Love yourself first. In the end, you are the only one responsible for you ❣️
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 11 '24
thank you and I hope you’re able to get out of there and find your peace sooner rather than later!
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u/EmJay_Canada Jan 12 '24
I needed to read this … thank you. My SO and I called it quits just over two weeks ago. Together 3 years, blended for 1 of those years. We had a sh!tstorm of a year (so many huge stressors) and when I would explain what I needed from him to feel connected so that we could weather the storm (HCBM was hell bent on destroying us using mental warfare on the children) I would be told that he just didn’t have anything left to give. He couldn’t even find the “energy” to occasionally tell me that I was beautiful :(
After months of compromises and sacrifices, I told him in Nov that DS and I should move out and he said he didn’t think that was a good idea. Boxing Day he changed his mind. Now that we are split, he says that he was unhappy with so many things, he didn’t know how to fix any of the issues and realizes that he let things really get to him. He says that WE didn’t have anything he didn’t think was fixable and that anything we had was brought on by his inability to deal with the external stress. He says that he didn’t “want” to break up but that he thinks we needed to before we started resenting each other. He also has said that if he didn’t do it now, he knew that we would never get a re-do. He has said that maybe we could try again without living together “after a few months”)
We are cohabiting until the end of the month.
His behaviour has changed dramatically. He’s doing 80% of the things I asked him for months ago but that almost makes everything worse.
I can’t see myself forgiving him for not making me a priority when times got tough. The man I fell in love with was not the man I was living with. Do you think stress can change a person that much? And what about trying again in a few months? He seems very genuine about it but I feel like that is just something people say to ease their guilt of hurting another person.
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u/Bustakrimes91 Jan 12 '24
It’s worse when they start showing changed after you’re already done with the relationship.
It shows they were always capable of doing what you needed them to do but actively chose not to.
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u/Indie_Flamingo Jan 12 '24
I agree. And unfortunately people like that are people that don't realise what they've got until it has gone!
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 Jan 12 '24
Agreeee 100 💯. That BS “ the kids come first” nonsense “ sorry call me selfish but I need to be with someone that prioritize me . I will never ever date someone with kids again . That was the worst experience ever ! You are FREE now the world is yours . Find a partner with no kids and be happy
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u/sarahlynn58 Jan 11 '24
Welcome to the club, hun! Enjoy every moment of your newly regained PEACE 🩷
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 11 '24
thank you so much!! it hurts like hell but I know it’s the right thing to do. “If they wanted to, they would” is the new mantra.
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u/GirlScoutin72 Jan 12 '24
I already commented up thread, and I agree that that it they wanted to they would is true, but I do try to remember these men are also traumatised and barely hanging on as a father. So, I try to give some grace. They absolutely shouldn't drag someone else into their mess, but I dont' think it's malice or even sexism sometimes, just fear. I do think they are a bit cowardly, they could go to therapy and work up the courage to deal with it, safely - it's not go to war with a narc or utter submission, there are ways and means.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
couldn’t agree more. it is cowardice and I know they are traumatized as well so I do feel for him but one of the last things I told him was he needed to stop being a victim in his own life. there are choices he could make to mitigate challenging circumstances and/or change his whole life. it’s really sad but there’s a healthy middle ground to be found if they want to do the work and figure out a way forward.
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u/amysaysso Jan 12 '24
I’m sure this wasn’t an easy decision to make.
Good for you that you had the self-love and courage to advocate for yourself.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
It was really difficult and I feel like a failure and that I’ve been duped and I should’ve known better so thank you for your comment - I really appreciate your kind words 🥹
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u/amysaysso Jan 12 '24
You are not a failure. You have a relationship a good effort and it didn’t work out. You were brave and you followed your heart. Be proud of yourself for trying AND for being brave enough to change your mind.
And there is almost definitely no way that you could have known. I mean that. I don’t know your story but this I truly believe for everybody in all relationships.
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u/Stralecia Jan 12 '24
I totally agree. When you have given some one unconditional love and they didn’t/dont appreciate it, it’s their loss. They will probably never find that again but now you’re free to find that for yourself. You’re a rock star who deserves so much more.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
thank you for saying that! 🙏🏼 🫂
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u/the_millennial_lorax Jan 12 '24
If you learned something from those years, they are not a waste! Even if it feels like it. Sounds cliche, but it's rarely if never too late to start again, even if it feels like it.
(Coming personally from someone who feels like many years have been a waste due to trauma / dating bad people / currently in a relationship and miserable when having to deal with a bad SK)
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u/sainteagle1721 Jan 11 '24
Somebody pin this to the top of this sub. The last three paragraphs should be weekly required reading.
I’m admittedly a bit skeptical about the refusal to meet bio-mom, asking partner to ban her from the house, getting law enforcement involved, etc., but I don’t know any of the background details, so I’m reserving judgement on that. Regardless, it doesn’t diminish the wisdom of the last few paragraphs.
Either way, OP, godspeed in whatever is next for you. I hope you take time to reconnect with yourself and identify the path to your happiness. You deserve it.
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u/BusinessBarbie8 Jan 11 '24
HCBM is not permitted in my home either. I don’t care if it’s raining swords. This wasn’t always the case, she earned my boundary. Some people are just horrible.
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u/sainteagle1721 Jan 11 '24
I hear you. Like I said, without knowing details, I'm reserving judgement.
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u/serenitynow911 Jan 11 '24
Why should you be forced to meet anyone who has shown displeasure and toxicity towards your relationship, much less, let in your house? If it was anyone else, this would not even be a consideration. I just find it crazy to see these people not standing up for who they claim to love.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
this. all. day. I am baffled by people who assume you “need” to.
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u/serenitynow911 Jan 12 '24
They'll tell you that you should, but it's really bending for the HC parent that is forcing the issue.
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u/all_out_of_usernames Jan 11 '24
BM isn't permitted in my home either.
No reason other than its my home. I have met her though, she's a decent person, although she has a few passive aggressive control issues.
I think that boundary actually helped my SO set his own boundaries with her.
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u/Mysteriousvorlon Jan 11 '24
I’m a bio parent and I feel the same way. My ex isn’t allowed in my house. I feel like I’d have to sterilize my whole house if he walked in. My home is my space and my family’s space.
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u/GirlScoutin72 Jan 12 '24
I could have written your post, exactly (EXACTLY!) what happened to me except she did turn up and let herself into the house, called me every name under the sun including the C word and he came back from the front door and said 'you're going to have to do what she says'.
No thank you. Who on earth does she think she is? I left.
He and I have stayed sporadically in touch, and once or twice I kinda thought he'd got it, and we briefly tried again, but it was all wishful thinking, and in the end I was so angry with words not matching actions I was gone for good. I feel a bit guilty for this, but with serious compassion fatigue I finally called him a 'coward'.
Out of the blue I heard from him recently, no pressure, just a hello. He's now at the final stage for an updated and much more detailed court order and is in therapy - we are still apart - but nothing I said or did made him act, me actually slamming the door in his face did.
Let him feel the loss of you, move on, and you never know what will happen in the future, but these men have to want these changes for themselves and their children, not because we nagged them into it. Life is too short, it's not worth it.
Edit: typos
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
my mouth dropped. I can’t believe that, what a spineless piece of work. If you can’t be bothered to stand up for me/us/more importantly yourself then WHY are you dragging another person into your mess? I’m so proud of you for leaving, you don’t deserve to be treated that way by either of them - that’s repulsive. I couldn’t agree more. I could try showing him why making changes and having boundaries would benefit him but until he sees it for himself and does the work? I’m not going to sit there and keep getting my heart broken (or be screamed at by a crazy BM).
Your last paragraph is spot on and there’s a part of me that hopes he will get it together in the future and maybe we could be together. That’s entirely up to him though. Life is way too short 💔
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u/GirlScoutin72 Jan 12 '24
I know! And the thing is, in every other area of his life he isn't, he's a proper manly man, and absolutely brilliant in business, extremely shrewd, takes no prisoners, but he is TERRIFIED of her, and terrified of losing his kid and just 'fawns' and gives her what she wants. And to be fair, I've worked in DV and had no idea women like her existed, I have never, ever seen rage like it, absolutely unhinged, so I think a bad case of stockholm syndrome. I agree he was selfish, and it was cruel to expose me to it, but on the flipside she'd never gone this nuts before because she knew he was serious about me, and I was a threat.
I've spoken to a few dads since - now they're out the other side - and I think these men are so stressed and traumatised, that women like us pointing out a different narrative, a different way, a different perception feels like more stress. It takes them a long time to work their way to the point where they are ready to act. There really none so blind as those that cannot see. But it's kinda not their fault that they can't, plus who wants to think the mother of your child really is that awful? I have no idea what will happen, I am staying out of the blast radius but for his own sake I hope my ex gets there.
The book that helped me the most - including after I left, when I was wavering and having pangs - was 'Say Goodbye to Crazy, How to get Rid of His Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life' - written for wives and girlfriends. It's quite hardcore, and prior to this nightmare until I'd experienced it for myself, my feminist self would have balked at some of it, but that book tells it exactly how it is, and what the solution is. That helped me stick to my guns. If you haven't read it, I'd recommend it.
Anyway, well done for having the courage to say no to this batshittery, and as my therapist said at the time, you will have helped his children, even if they don't know it yet. They will know on some level that you left because of their mother. This will help them find an anchor somewhere inside that they are not crazy. This stuff is so bad for children, and you refused to collude with it, you did a good thing.
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u/Slow-Confection-3110 Jan 11 '24
The reality of any situation is your relationship with your partner should always come first. In marriage it is your partner you grow old with, it is your kids who grow up and move away to start their own lives. It shouldn’t matter if you aren’t the Bio parent you should be first priority to your partner. As long as needs are meet of everyone partner is who will always come first 🤷🏻♀️
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 11 '24
💯, I have no idea why that’s such a hard concept to grasp for a lot of single parents (or even first families to be honest).
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u/Slow-Confection-3110 Jan 11 '24
The cold hard reality is more than half of relationships don’t work or last, it gets even harder when you are working on a second or third marriage. People need to stop being fake or unrealistic and just be upfront and real about what they do or don’t need, what they will and won’t accept.
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u/AutoModerator Jan 11 '24
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u/serenitynow911 Jan 11 '24
I don't know what to write (because you've said it all and quite succinctly) other than I'm sorry you endured that. I dealt with all of that and more for close to 6 years. It's a humbling and ego-shattering experience to never be chosen first, especially over someone so vile. You're say you love me and you say I'm your future, so why are you mortgaging all of that for your toxic past? I always felt there was an unhealthy dynamic/attachment is the submissiveness. I asked about it in a post, yesterday. Again, I'm sorry. If you're anything like me, once the anger subsides, then you're left to wonder why you weren't enough. Let's hope you're not like me.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
oh I’m angry and also wondering why I wasn’t enough so I’m already there 😅 but wow, what you wrote is spot on. how could you do that to someone you love?!
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u/Wishdropper Jan 18 '24
So true, these are the reason why i left♥️ i feel much better. I was sick of making sacrifices and watching how his ex baby moms getting everything they want/need. We do deserve better!
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 18 '24
Absolutely! I’m so happy for you! Go out there and get what you deserve which is the world!
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u/DaniMW Jan 12 '24
You did the right thing by leaving if you were not happy… but I will say one thing. The other bio parenting wanting to meet you as the step is perfectly reasonable, because it is THEIR child you are partially responsible at least part of the time. Every responsible parent on the PLANET would want to meet ANYONE who has to care for their child - including (but not limited to) teachers, babysitters, the nanny and step parents.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 12 '24
she can want until the cows come home but she isn’t entitled to meet me. especially in an illegal and aggressive way. this came up because ex-SO was busy and couldn’t help her on her parenting time and she flipped out. why on earth would I want to meet her?
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u/DaniMW Jan 12 '24
Because any responsible parent would want to meet all people who are responsible for their child, as I said. I certainly would!
But it doesn’t matter anyway, since you’re ‘out’… I’m just saying that she’s not ‘crazy’ because she wants to meet you. If you meet another man with children and do the step parenting gig again, the mother of those children will also want to meet you if the father has any sort of custody time.
Although if you marry a man who has only supervised visits with just him, the child and the supervisor, then you won’t need to met mum, since you will never be caring for the child. Maybe that would be a better set up for you - that or a non parent husband.
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u/zsazsazsu88 Jan 13 '24 edited Jan 13 '24
I never said she was crazy for wanting to meet me. It’s crazy to threaten to force entry and trespass in order to do so. All throughout this sub you’ll find many people have never met the BM and that’s perfectly normal.
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u/DaniMW Jan 13 '24
I did say that every RESPONSIBLE parent vets anyone who is responsible for caring for their child.
But not everyone is responsible. Some parents are terrible parents who don’t GAF about the safety of their child.
Like that child beauty Queen’s mum who married a child abuser… clearly she didn’t care to vet the person helping her raise her child! 😢
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u/thepolishwizard Jan 23 '24
I am a little late to this post but I can share my experience where I am put first as a step parent. I totally agree with you and if I were in your shoes I’d leave as well. A lot of the posts on here are of people frustrated they don’t come first, or aren’t a priority. No one deserves that in a relationship.
I’m a step dad to 3 young kids. I love them as if they were my own, and they pretty much are. My wife got pregnant young, was pressured into marrying her ex and tried to make it work. It didn’t. He is a deadbeat loser who has nothing to do with his kids. So I took on the role of being dad to them. And my wife treats me as if were thier biological father. We make all the decisions together as a team. She makes sure I always feel like a priority, makes time for me everyday and always backs me up if I ask her kids to do something. It’s all just worked perfectly and I didn’t expect that.
To any step parent out there put yourself first. I’m an all or nothing type of guy, I could never be with someone who coparent with thier ex, I’d feel left out, not a priority. My wife rarely speaks with her ex, and when she does I never think twice about it. Because I know she always puts me first. If he wants something she checks with me first. That’s how it should be.
Good on you for putting yourself first! Hope you find what your looking for
•
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