r/aspergers • u/jackaa_fackaa • 1d ago

Lack of empathy towards "family/life" things?

NOTE: Throughout this post i try to be as objective as i can with a serious outlook on it. I'm genuinely just confused as i do *not understand these things. I have tried immensely but i just cannot get behind it. So please, if it reads as very negative, it is not my intention, just to clear that out. Also, this is written in a very weird way, so i apologise. I'm not a native speaker.*

I'm not sure how to get my thoughts into text form but I am unable to empathise with things such as family/life achievements, but strictly connected to family.

A little background, M20 here, I come from a neglectful and abusive family, so family as a concept is very distorted to me as i have no good experiences with it. I'm always surprised if the parents of someone treat their children as normal parents should.

As a child, I was always the "black sheep" and outcasted from all conversations and interactions, always disregarded and considered stupid or "too young". So no surprises why I have some resentment towards the concept as a whole.

Now here's where the "problem" lies. Let's say, my half sister just gave birth. Why am i expected to be happy for her and jump around her as of an outer worldly miracle just happened? I don't feel anything. In my mind, it's just a normal human process of life, just as idk, excretion, I mean, it doesn't take much to become pregnant, just need a man to "nut" in you and there. Not so "special" when you rationalize it.

I'm also the type of person who will not pretend to appease other people for their own ego. Maybe because I despise lying and liars. I'd rather be honest than pretend to be something I'm not.

Back to the giving birth thing. Everyone is so surprised when i just shrug my shoulders when I'm asked information that i couldn't care less for. "Oh how many weeks, this, that?" I don't know??? Why am i supposed to know these things? Why should i be interested just because it's a normalized societal thing? I don't even really have contacts with my half sister as we're way too different in age and everything, really. I just couldn't care less what people do in their life. I just subconsciously seem to pick apart things that are "interesting" and "boring" and store them in my memory. Then again, my memory is filled with so much stuff that the average person might find useless if they're not centered in such field of interest. (Art, history, biology, etc.) I try not to be eccentric (I'm an artist) but it still comes out that way. I just wish to be normal at times.

I'm really confused. I always have to tread on eggshell whenever i have to speak just so i don't say something wrong or in a wrong tone or with a wrong facial expression/gesture. It's tiring.

I genuinely feel like a robot with "learned" emotions but heavily lacking empathy in certain areas. I tend to rationalize things more than "feel". Maybe that's why i suck so much at it.

Does anyone else experience this? High empathy in one area and little to no empathy in the other? How do you cope/work with this?

I'm happily open to any discussions on such topics.

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u/Cyberfaust11 1d ago

I totally feel and agree with everything you said.

I think I have more empathy than 'they' do (neurotypicals and family-type people celebrating boring things like you described), but I just have my emotions and happiness for more amazing things.

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u/KikiYuyu 1d ago

You can't just say you have empathy and then shit all over things that matter to other people my dude

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u/jackaa_fackaa 1d ago

Nobody is shitting on anything, i have no idea where you've gotten that from. Just because you consider something "boring"/uninteresting doesn't mean you "shit" on it?

People can find my in-depth knowledge and rambling about a war issued drug or something along my special interests really fucking boring but do i resent them for feeling that way? No. Is it "shitting" on my interest? No. Does it mean they don't have empathy at all? Also no.

It's fine to have empathy for one thing and have no empathy for the other thing. Also, "you can't say you have empathy then do xyz" by that logic, you just completely negated empathy as a whole because of some weird personal biases you have going on? Just because you "don't care" about things that matter to people doesn't mean you have no empathy at all. Some people empathise with animals, people with shared experiences (good/bad) fiction etc.

In my case, i just can't empathize with my family and their lives at all. I have no interest in them. Because i also don't understand. There's also a difference between not being able to understand something and blatantly not caring.

I could go ramble all night but it's getting late.

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u/KikiYuyu 1d ago

No offence but you clearly have problems with empathy. I'm not gonna take a lecture on that subject from you.

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u/jackaa_fackaa 1d ago

Yes, that's why i made this post in the first place. Doesn't mean that i can be completely disregarded for that or my stances on it.

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u/KikiYuyu 1d ago

You seem happy to disregard the feelings of others daily. You only have a problem with me because it has to do with you.

This is what your energy feels like to other people. This is what it feels like to be on the other hand of someone who is dismissive. This is what it feels like to be shrugged at when sharing something you're excited about.

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u/jackaa_fackaa 1d ago

Where are you pulling these statements from? Out of your ass? "Happy to disregard the feelings of others daily?" My energy? Lady, I'm autistic, not an evil moustache twirling villain you seem to try and paint me as such. At this point this discussion is going truly nowhere without some weird bitter undertones. /gen

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u/KikiYuyu 1d ago

Well you responded to my first comment by saying I was "parroting" something and "yadda yadda". I was trying to be earnest in my effort to help, and you just right away say I'm mindlessly repeating something boring you don't want to hear.

Autism isn't an excuse. I have it too. When people tell me I've hurt them, I don't just rant about how stupid and irrational they all are. I don't ask for help and then say "yadda yadda" when I don't love what I hear.

You're missing the hypocrisy here. You think I shouldn't disregard your input, but you're openly disregarding me and your entire family. You don't have to understand someone super well to not be an abrasive jerk.

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u/jackaa_fackaa 17h ago

Sure, that might've come off as mean but i was also taking in mind some other comments on this post that were basically the same and constantly fixated on the birth thing. It's not just about the birth thing, it's about family in general. Maybe i wasn't clear enough as i do suck explaining things through text. And no, I'm not using autism as an excuse. I'm only so fixated on this situation because it's related to family. I don't have a problem with friends or other people. Just family is the main one. So yes, I am biased against that.

And you have to take into account that my family is quite abusive/complicated to the point where i was almost taken away twice so of course I'd rather not spend time with them and I'll try to cut them out when I'll be able to live on my own. Because why should I pour my energy into something that keeps dragging me down for over 20 years? Yet I have to stay complicit and keep revolving around their lives because they're too insecure to be alone for one second.

My point still lies, why should I pretend to appease them when I'm only there for their own commodity? /gen

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u/KikiYuyu 3h ago

Don't appease them if you don't want to. But people will react to how you behave and you have to decide what's worth it to you.