42M with no Purpose

[u/WI_throwaway_2020]

Let me start by saying that I'm a piece of shit. Now that that's out of the way - Married 10 years, two little boys (7.5, 6). Gainfully employed. Family, friends, or casual onlookers would say I've got it made. I want none of it.

I've been working with a psychologist/career coach for the last four months to try and come up with a personal statement of purpose, and my page is still blank.

One question I ran across: if there were no limits in life, how would you like to see yourself 10 years from now? My answer: alone in the wilderness fighting for my own survival. Like Castaway style, but without a Wilson, for the remainder of my life.

I feel like I'm crushed by responsibilites, both personally and professionally, and I provide for others with minimal ability to meet any of my own needs. I've given up all my hobbies. Diet is trash, no exercise. I've put on over 30lb in the last year. Two nights a week the wife and kids are gone for classes, and I sit at home in silence and do nothing. It's the best part of my week. I don't want to be at work, and I don't want to be at home (unless I'm alone).

I've also been under the care of a psychiatrist for the last 2 months doing ketamine treatments for low mood, but I feel like I'm sliding (if not there already) into full blown depression.

Long term, I feel like my kids would be better off, psychologically, if I just left, so they didn't have to witness this spiral on a day to day basis.

I have no guiding purpose, though, it's not for lack of trying.

I don't want to be dead, I just want to be left alone.

I don't know how to find a purpose while I'm stuck in this rut.

[u/beatmentality]

Hard times bro, keep your head up. I don't have answers for you besides self acceptance is hard and it's also the starting point for many people to make a change for the better

[u/WI_throwaway_2020 → u/beatmentality]

Appreciate it. Thank you for the comment!