r/Purpose • u/WI_throwaway_2020 • Nov 02 '24
42M with no Purpose
Let me start by saying that I'm a piece of shit. Now that that's out of the way - Married 10 years, two little boys (7.5, 6). Gainfully employed. Family, friends, or casual onlookers would say I've got it made. I want none of it.
I've been working with a psychologist/career coach for the last four months to try and come up with a personal statement of purpose, and my page is still blank.
One question I ran across: if there were no limits in life, how would you like to see yourself 10 years from now? My answer: alone in the wilderness fighting for my own survival. Like Castaway style, but without a Wilson, for the remainder of my life.
I feel like I'm crushed by responsibilites, both personally and professionally, and I provide for others with minimal ability to meet any of my own needs. I've given up all my hobbies. Diet is trash, no exercise. I've put on over 30lb in the last year. Two nights a week the wife and kids are gone for classes, and I sit at home in silence and do nothing. It's the best part of my week. I don't want to be at work, and I don't want to be at home (unless I'm alone).
I've also been under the care of a psychiatrist for the last 2 months doing ketamine treatments for low mood, but I feel like I'm sliding (if not there already) into full blown depression.
Long term, I feel like my kids would be better off, psychologically, if I just left, so they didn't have to witness this spiral on a day to day basis.
I have no guiding purpose, though, it's not for lack of trying.
I don't want to be dead, I just want to be left alone.
I don't know how to find a purpose while I'm stuck in this rut.
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u/ShrimpYolandi Nov 07 '24
I know the feeling, and actual pleasure, that comes with being alone when you’re in the throes of life and raising kids. But keep this in your mind: it goes by quick. I’m approaching empty nest status now, and it wasn’t really like a gradual decline. It’s like I’m doing all this stuff and then one day boom, all the time in the world to myself. Buy that with work from home and it’s a lot. I’m not complaining, but I’m saying that it’s not as pleasurable to have all that time to yourself when it’s like permanent. It just seems nice now because it’s just a break from all of your responsibilities.
Best thing I did was change my diet and start exercising. It honestly sucked at first, I was doing heavy, intermittent fasting, but after I stuck with it for a couple of weeks and started seeing the weight drop, and actually started feeling better, which was the most important thing, it was motivation enough to stick with it. In my case, I also took up running, And the running transform from an actual physical challenge into more of a mental challenge, and ultimately became like a meditation. Now that I built up the strength from it, it’s a true meditation, and I actually fell in love with running. It’s like downtime to myself, but being productive. I’d recommend to anyone from that approach.
The exercise further, my spiritual pursuits too. The book the power of now, and studying Eckhart Tolle in general, completely changed my life and put me in a much better position for middle age. There’s something about the connection between exercise and improving your spiritual sense of self too, to explain, but there’s definitely a connection to the two, so my advice is to play around with those things. Be open with your partner and say you working on some stuff and make yourself some time to do whatever your thing might be. For me, it’s been running, and listening to some of these Eckhart Tolle podcast and the like, and it’s been a complete game changer for me. I hope you find something similar.
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u/WI_throwaway_2020 Nov 08 '24
Thank you for your reply. A little over a year ago, I was in the best shape of my adult life and everything was clicking. I was doing keto started BJJ and ultimately lost 40lb before competing in my first tournament at age 40. A week later, my coach passed. Two months after that new job assignments that majorly upset my work/life applecart. Been spiraling since. Quit BJJ, gained back 30lb. Now just going through the motions. I tell myself I'm not to eat junk, but I self sabotage and give in every day.
My therapist asked what my goal was with the BJJ/tournament that gave me the motivation and discipline for 8 months to do what I did. I had no answer.
I feel like I'm always chasing a new squirrel. Then I catch it, get goal depression, and the cycle repeats. Each time, though, it seems like the depression gets deeper, because as time passes, I realize I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's like I feel like I'm always starting over and the direction I'm heading is never the same. It's chaos, and I hate it. But I'm working on it.
Thank you, again, for taking the time to reply. 🙃
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u/ShrimpYolandi Nov 08 '24
Definitely check out Eckhart Tolle’s stuff. I can relate and I feel like the perspective he teaches could be enlightening for your situation
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u/386clint Nov 27 '24
First off you're not a piece of shit dude. You're just dealing with a lot and trust me I get it
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u/beatmentality Nov 03 '24
Hard times bro, keep your head up. I don't have answers for you besides self acceptance is hard and it's also the starting point for many people to make a change for the better