Killed the vibe at childbirth class tonight

[u/Rubiksdoc]

Have had three miscarriages since June 2021, and am now 30 weeks and change into my 4th pregnancy over here. Baby seems healthy and I remain relatively low risk asides from a few minor things, so I’m very grateful for those facts. I’ve been a long time lurker and grateful for this sub so I haven’t felt so alone IRL.

Anyways- just came in to share/vent. Tonight my husband and I did a birth prep class offered by the hospital online. Everyone was asked to type in the chat box a brief intro: their names, if this was first pregnancy, if boy or girl, and when we were due. After a long line of people saying “first pregnancy” and a like ❤️ of each intro, when I wrote “fourth pregnancy, but first child”…radio silence. And then there was no more responses to others’ intros.

I understand there can be a lot of reasons for that lack of similar excited response, but just wanted to share what happened with a community that understands how it felt to me. It already sucks to be labeled with recurrent pregnancy loss, and it has also sucked to be saddled with processing extra feelings of bitterness/ anxiety/ fear during this pregnancy. I’ve not shared on social media. I’ve not found out the gender. I was even scared to have a baby shower for a long time and then felt weird about it since I hadn’t told most people still. I finally felt ok about inviting close friends last minute, but it’s too late for most of them to come now.

I could have pretended this was my first, but that feels like a big lie. I also recognize it’s not that deep lol emoji reactions to intros in a chat box 🤪 and that third tri is full of lots of emotions. But man, that was another tiny little reminder of how this journey of mine has been so different than most others’. ❤️‍🩹

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[u/Planning_And_Hoping]

During the finance meeting at my OBGYN’s office, the staff person congratulated me and asked if this was my first pregnancy. I said no, my third but I have no living children. People shouldn’t ask if they don’t want to know. It feels like a dishonor to my journey and the lives I’ve lost to lie just to be socially polite.

[u/ClaireEmma612 → u/Planning_And_Hoping]

This happens to me all the time! Like, you work in the medical field and you’re asking a medical question. Why are you weirded out by the answer? Surely I’m not the first woman you’ve met to have miscarriages?!

ETA: due date twins 💕

[u/kcbollin → u/Planning_And_Hoping]

I dont think its the financial person but the head nurse that kind of sets you up into the system. Either way she has cried with many many of times during my journey. When she heard my LC was my 5th pregnancy she came out of behind her desk and gave me the biggest hug. Told me that she knew that I would be back! It was heartwarming. The first time she cried when I told her I lost my mom to brain cancer the year prior, with my literal first pregnancy.

[u/koukla1994 → u/kcbollin]

I had this with the receptionist at my OBGYNs office! She was so lovely when our MMC was discovered and then when I came back and had my first scan for this pregnancy and I came out smiling she said “oh thank god!” 😂 I’m not sure who was happier! It felt like the whole office was on my team, cheering me and baby on.

Edit: I just reread your comment, I also lost my mum to brain cancer almost 7 years ago. Im up at 330am my time having a hormonal sob about it in fact. Im so sorry for your loss.

[u/kcbollin → u/koukla1994]

I am also sorry for your loss. Its rough and sneaks up on you daily.

[u/frogsgoribbit737 → u/Planning_And_Hoping]

My OB kept getting my numbers reversed (pregnancies vs children) and so they would come in and ask about my other kids which was just... awful. Did not love that at all.

But I agree dont ask if you dont wanna know.

[u/joh_ah]

I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm also glad you spoke up.

When I lost my son, I was far enough along to do the vaginal delivery in L&D, but too early to have done a birth prep course.

So my birth prep course was a really weird experience. Because I had been through labor and delivery, but I didn't know everything I needed to know. When I registered, there was a notes section to mention anything the instructor should be aware of, but I doubt the information was passed on, because the instructor never acted like she was aware. And I never volunteered it in person.

The class was so often triggering. Watching videos of living, full term babies, when mine delivery was not that. Minimizing risks. (E.g. The instructor proudly coached us on how to delay being given antibiotics during delivery. I had to ask, "If the antibiotics are preventing the baby from getting an infection, and you don't deliver them in time, doesn't that pose risks to the baby?") I felt like I had to hold my tongue a lot.

I'm glad you spoke up. Hopefully going forward, the instructor, and other participants, will be more sensitive to the fact that at least one person among them has experienced pregnancy loss, and isn't taking for granted that this whole process will automatically give everyone a healthy baby at the end. Hopefully it will be less triggering for you than it was for me.

[u/thelensbetween → u/joh_ah]

Yes, many childbirth prep courses are filled with so-called natural childbirth woo BS, including pushing vaginal delivery above all else. They’d rather risk their babies by delaying necessary and life-saving interventions in favor of having some mythical, idealized birth experience. Many loss parents can’t relate. Above all, I wanted my baby to be born safe and alive.

[u/Ancient-Phase-2772 → u/joh_ah]

Hey, just wondering if you found the birth course helpful in the end? I did L&D at 22 weeks and went in blind to the whole process, though I confess I’m a little less scared of birth now. I’m now expecting again and not sure if the birth class will be helpful or not. A full term baby sounds like a lot but it won’t be my first birth either… Just hoping that my body will be more familiar with labour and get to work a little faster than most ‘first time moms’.

[u/joh_ah → u/Ancient-Phase-2772]

Sorry for the late reply--was off Reddit for a bit and am just now catching up.

I *did* find a class helpful, especially when it came to all the monitoring and interventions and scenarios involved during labor. In some ways, someone like us who's been through it before probably gets *more* out of a class, because we're not naïve and we know better what the instructor's talking about.

But as one example, I didn't know about the different types of fetal heart monitors, because I didn't have one with my first delivery. There are ones that are wireless that you can walk around with, if you're doing the pain med free childbirth. There are wired ones, if you're having an epidural and movement doesn't matter so much (or they just don't have enough wireless ones to go around). And then there are these vaginal ones that, if the one on the belly is insufficient, they will stick into the birth canal and actually screw into the baby's scalp a little bit. (That last one was a surprise--but I'm definitely happy I first learned about it in a class as a hypothetical, and not in the middle of delivering a baby!)

I delivered my loss baby at about the same gestation. I dilated 6 cm for that delivery. My OB said that the stage 1 labor for my 2nd would go a little faster because of that, but pushing would be about the same as for a first time mom. And he was right. I went to the hospital a little earlier (based on contractions) than a regular first time mom would, and when I got there, I think I was already almost at 8 cm? The pushing still took about 2 hours, though.

Hope that helps!

[u/Ancient-Phase-2772 → u/joh_ah]

Thank you! That was really helpful. 🙏

[u/CocoaQuenelle → u/joh_ah]

Thank you for sharing your experience here, I've been worrying about birth prep classes already even though I'm still only very early on in my current pregnancy. My L&D was earlier than yours (only 15 weeks) but I imagine I'm going to find it similarly triggering and weird because I feel like I know what to expect but also don't know if that makes sense?

[u/Rachel28Whitcraft]

F people who are uncomfortable with YOUR losses. I've had miscarriages and lost a whole damn baby (she was 2 months old, SIDS). that really kills the vibe if I bring it up. But she was my world.

Screw people.

I am so sorry for your losses. It needs to be recognized and acknowledged.

[u/Huffle_Tess87]

I am sorry you went through this. I also have a similar experience.

My 🌈 was born a year ago and I have been to meetings with other moms and dads with babies under 1 year old.

I am open about my son being a rainbow and that his sister was born and then died in my 34th pregnancy week. But it almost always without fail, makes people uncomfortable. I want to be able to talk about my daughter. She lived, was longed after and we still love her. It hurts to not being able to talk about her. And as other states it, it is not you or me, it is them!

[u/Arrowmatic]

Honestly this is on the hospital for a dumbass question that many people would find uncomfortable (like, pregnancy loss is not uncommon and nor is abort!on...why even phrase it like that?). I'm really sorry you had that experience.

[u/queue517 → u/Arrowmatic]

Yeah if you don't want to hear about miscarriages and stillbirths, then ask about children!!! I'll bet OP wasn't the only one with miscarriage experience in there.

OP, you probably gave strength to those other people who didn't want to speak up for whatever reason, so good on you.

[u/ditzyforflorals]

People can be so weird. I’d say THEY killed the vibe- you did nothing wrong, and I would have said the same thing- this isn’t your first, so why would you say it was? I recently attended a mother’s blessing held by some local doulas and when I introduced myself I said it was my third- one LC, a miscarriage this winter, and then the babe I’m currently pregnant with. After intros were done I had multiple women tell me they were sorry for my loss and almost everyone there had a similar background or something akin- one had gone through years of infertility and had just had a chemical, another had had two losses amongst her other living children, another had also had a miscarriage before this pregnancy. And there weren’t many of us- maybe six total?

The other people made me feel seen, and not alone, and I’m so glad I shared about our miscarriage. Those awkward non-responses you received were on them, and even via chat (which admittedly doesn’t help) it wouldn’t have been hard to reply with a simple “I’m sorry for your losses 💔, glad you’re here” etc. Especially (and at least!!) from those running the class, because like another commenter said- miscarriages are NOT uncommon, and they of all people being in the medical field should be aware of that and act accordingly.

I understand many might not want to share their histories with strangers and I totally respect that- but I think sharing your truth and honoring your other babes is just as valid. 🩷

[u/NixyPix]

If an adult asks the question of you, they’re able to hear the answer that you feel most comfortable with. I’m sorry that these adults didn’t behave appropriately.

I personally always said ‘this is the first pregnancy that has made it this far’. For me, that felt true enough to what I had been through without feeling like I had to divulge my previous pain to strangers. I want to believe that it may have made a few people consider if their question was appropriate, but that might give them too much credit for self-awareness.

[u/therealamberrose]

I’m so sorry. That sounds quite hurtful.

When I was pregnant with my first living child, after 5 losses in a row, I was 32 weeks when I tried to sign up for a birthing class. They said to me “wow you’re pretty late - why didn’t you think of this sooner?”

And I was like “well, the first 5 times I was pregnant, the baby died inside me, so I wasn’t feeling very confident this would work out. I am going to do my class somewhere else.”

Ugh

[u/kcbollin]

I've killed the vibe many times. Its the truth and the truth hurts. People will either appreciate it (you being honest and open) or not.

[u/ProperECL]

I'm so sorry you weren't supported.

FWIW, I bet there was someone else in class who you helped by sharing that though. I think a lot about the pre-natal pilates class I took in my last pregnancy where someone else shared in intros that it was her second pregnancy but first baby. After my loss that made me feel so much less alone.

[u/akricketson]

This is how I feel right now but I still haven’t made it past the 2nd trimester. I told my mom that I had another positive test (She had been my rock and support through so much) and at this point it is a very “I’m excited but at the same time not” and I feel the same because while I hope something sticks, I’m just so used to everything ending in loss. When I mention this is my 3rd pregnancy, no living children, even doctors don’t know what to say, much less other people.

[u/alru26]

Ugh people suck. Let them be uncomfortable, it pales in comparison to the actual emotions you’ve gone through.

[u/Anonymiss313]

People get very uncomfy with things they weren't prepared to hear or don't want to confront the possibility of. I took a hypnobirthing class in person while I was pregnant and we did the same little introductions- names, first or subsequent pregnancy, if we knew the sex, due date, etc. I lost my first baby to miscarriage, so I just said "this will be my first living child" and whatdoyouknow my turn was over and four other couples and two instructors were either avoiding eye contact or staring in horror. Still, the baby I lost was so real to me. They existed, they were loved, and it is my job to tell their story, so I don't really care if people feel uncomfy. I lived through that pain and terror of losing my child, so everyone else can sit in that discomfort for 30 seconds of their life. Also, sending you so much love- for you and your partner, for your angel babies, and for your rainbow baby ❤️

[u/signedupfornightmode]

That stinks. I’ve also had trouble with the phrase “first time mom”. Do my losses count as having been a mom before? Then I’m not really an ftm…but then I’ve never carried a pregnancy this long (almost 7 weeks) so it’s also new territory.

[u/Complex-Grapefruit28 → u/signedupfornightmode]

I also struggle with this. Or when this year, after having our daughter, people who knew about my previous loss wished me a “happy first Mother’s Day.” Like no it isn’t, but thanks.

[u/agbellamae → u/signedupfornightmode]

I’m at 7 weeks too. Third pregnancy, no babies in our house. If people ask if I’m a first time mom I say “we’ve been pregnant twice so I don’t consider this our first child, but if this baby makes it then this will be the first time we get to raise a child”. I always say it with a smile so they don’t have to get all sad and awkward and instead they say something positive back

[u/dotsrubyredslippers]

Thanks for sharing this. I'm also on my 4th pregnancy after 3 losses. Will be 13 weeks tomorrow and still only my husband and I know. We haven't told anyone! I was thinking the other day how to answer if people ask if this is "my first" once I start telling people. In my heart I have other babies...

And I agree to a previous comment. THEY killed the vibe.

[u/Alwaysreadyforbed]

I'm so sorry. These people had an opportunity to tell you they were hopeful and excited for you, at the very least. And since they didn't, I will: I'm very hopeful and excited for you. It sounds like things are going well this time. But I know the anxiety won't be gone until you have a living baby in your arms. I'll be thinking of you in the coming months.

[u/koukla1994]

I’m shocked that you would be the only one in a birthing class to experience a loss to be honest! It’s a realistic part of pregnancy and although it’s horrible and traumatic, if we don’t talk about it it’ll just be worse (of course no one should have to I’m talking on a more society wide level).

I’m sorry that’s the reaction you got, after all we have to explain it to every new doctor or health professional we see who asks if it’s our first. Why lie to the wider world if you don’t want to?

[u/Quimux → u/koukla1994]

I was just thinking the same thing! So weird that no one else had a loss.

As hard as it was I was very open about my loss because I feel we should normalize it more (talk about our feelings and that it happened)

[u/Kvwillman]

I’m exactly like you! 4th pregnancy, 1st child and just turned 31 weeks. Just know you are so not alone. Idk why i miscarried three prior times and why we had to suffer but i am beyond grateful for this little girl I’m carrying. We got this. Best wishes to you and we are nearing the finish line!

[u/drobshaw14]

You didn’t kill the vibe, you shared your story. It’s uncomfortable for some, but it’s part of your journey and I definitely would’ve shared it at a childbirth class - just another reason to cheer you on!

But I do understand feeling uncomfortable yourself. Some days when people ask I say “second pregnancy, first child” and other times I just say “yep first child”. Some days it’s easier to just not acknowledge it, and other days I want people to know how important my first pregnancy was to me. It’s not fun to be part of this club, but it makes you more understanding.

Rooting for you!!

[u/b0dyrock]

I’m sorry those people made you feel that way. I commend you for sharing your truth

[u/chasingcars825]

Hi there, childbirth educator here

I'm so sorry this was your experience, you deserved better from the educator and it's no excuse that people "don't know what to say" so they say nothing - just saying 'I don't know what to say, how can we best support you?" goes a million miles.

I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to attend the class any further, and that is very valid if so. If you want the educational aspects and birth preparation without having to filter classes or put yourself out there again a full spectrum doula may be an option to explore. They would be someone who would support you through the rest of your pregnancy, help you make a birth plan with contingencies, and be present to support you and those choices during your labor.

Please don't hesitate to reach out if you would like to talk, would like help finding a doula in your area, or anything in between. I myself am a childbirth educator and a full spectrum doula, so I can help you narrow down questions to ask for selection of your doula or just be an understanding ear.

Wishing you the absolute best.

[u/Sharp-Log3245]

I feel you!!!! I always feel like I'm oversharing or killing the vibe. Like I always have to pretend like I don't know what it's like to be pregnant just bc I don't have a living child.

[u/[deleted]]

I lost my first born shortly after delivery after a normal, full term pregnancy, and then had a miscarriage. I had done some classes like that with my first born and while i would like to do them for this baby, i probably won’t for this reason. I will never not talk about my son and i know that i am most people’s worst fear- something happening during delivery causing you to lose your child. It’s very isolating. I wish they had these kind of classes for people who have experienced loss. I think it would be easier for us and also the people who haven’t experienced loss. And also, our experiences of pregnancy and childbirth is going to be so different. There should be a different class for us.

[u/HelloFuDog]

Yeah I’m sorry, I get that people don’t want to think about things like that… In a hospital setting, SOMEONE should have anticipated people have experienced loss. Whoever was facilitating the class should do better, not actually sorry.

Good luck and congratulations, my friend.

[u/gingerflakes]

This is why I haven’t even told most ppl I’m friends with about my losses, their reactions are so disappointing. I get why you wrote what you did in the chat. It feels dismissive of your entire “journey” (god I hate that term) to push it aside and just write something cutesy and fun. Cause you’re right, that would be a big lie.

[u/Arthurandhenna]

I am loving all the comments and support you are getting! Yay!

I hate when the person who made up these question didn’t consider that someone would have loss. Be proud to talk about your losses, as this will make you a stronger mama and expose them for future. I always ALWAYS feel if anyone doesn’t like an answer they should never ask the question to begin with.

[u/selfishsooze]

I’m sorry those people were rude-you didn’t do anything wrong.

I don’t understand why people think they shouldn’t have to hear about other people’s painful experiences. Especially something like miscarriages and especially at a childbirth class. You certainly weren’t the only one in that class who’d ever had a loss. I refuse to use triggers warnings when I talk about my losses. Miscarriage is common and just because you don’t think about it doesn’t mean it won’t happen to you. Not to be a jerk, but I don’t care if my pain triggers someone.

[u/Due_Treat7373]

Sorry you had to go through this. I hate that question: is this your first pregnancy?? So triggering and people are so careless.

Just remember this community supports you and your husband and many more. ❤️

[u/polywollydoodle]

I hear you 100%. It’s so isolating and frustrating. Ugh. I’m sorry.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Neat-10]

Idk what’s wrong with people. If anything your response deserves even more hearts and congratulations since it’s been such a journey. Maybe it’s just because I’ve experienced it myself but I just don’t understand why other people get awkward when we talk about these experiences in a factual way. Congrats to you and Hubs though!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[u/babablackkbird]

Sending you big hugs! I’m so sorry that happened.

My SO and I did an online class a few weeks ago and we just skipped introducing ourselves. However, we’ve signed up for some in-person classes coming up soon.

I hate to say it but for the most part, if someone asks if this is our first, I just say yes. It leaves a pit in my stomach, but it also saves me from that awkwardness. The only times I completely open up is if it’s medically necessary to mention the losses or I am having a more intimate conversation with someone. Most people who are close to me know my history, and I have been open on my social media about it. But when it comes to passing exchanges, I’ve given into just being digestible.

[u/ThugWifey]

I did the same thing 🙈 with Kaiser they offer centering groups where they put you in a group of 8 expecting parents that will all be due around the same time. Our first class were about 3 months along and when we are introducing ourselves I said “this is our third pregnancy but it’s the furthest we’ve gotten so we’re trying to stay hopeful” and definitely got some awkward looks. We would meet up virtually once a month until we all gave birth. But we actually all became really close and talk weekly via chat now which is nice.

Sending you all the love and wishing you an uneventful rest of your pregnancy 🤍

[u/EngineeringDry1889]

I am so sorry this happened to you 💜 of course I don’t know this for sure, but there’s a chance that one of the other “first time moms” was too scared to say that she had been pregnant before and seeing you share about your losses probably made her feel less alone and less scared. I know that’s how it would have made me feel.

[u/metalchode]

It needs to be normalized to talk about this. I am brutally honest about my four losses especially when someone has some insensitive comment. I had a nurse ask me if I was breastfeeding after a miscarriage, I was like bitch you’re looking at my fucking chart. I didn’t even say a word just gave her a cold dead look

[u/hey-jessamine]

I hope social stigma and attitudes around how to acknowledge and be respectful of those who have suffered one/more loss/es changes soon. When others ignore our experience, it feels like rejection, or when the statement of “It’s too hard/awkward/uncomfortable/challenging to talk about,” it feels like our experience is somehow shameful and not worthy of discussion.

This is something I’ve not encountered yet, but I am thoroughly unexcited about it.

[u/lsha052513]

I think you told your story. Pregnancy loss is something that should be discussed more. It is not your fault people do not know how to react. I am so happy for you! People do not know how to react to tragedy it is their fault not yours. ♥️

[u/littlestinkyone]

I just always skipped saying what number pregnancy it was. If someone were to ask directly I would answer but no one ever did

[u/littlepiecesofsorrow]

I would have been so appreciative to know I'm not alone if I'd been in your class! Pregnancy after loss is lonely sometimes for me because I'm constantly questioning and holding my breath while the people I know IRL can't seem to relate.

Wishing you the best ❤️

[u/mintybanana_]

I hate how often people ask “is this your first pregnancy”. It’s such a stupid question if you think about it. Miscarriages, stillbirths, abort!ons, these are all common, so if you aren’t prepared for an honest answer, don’t ask!

I say “no, but this is the farthest I’ve gotten”, and that usually shuts people up.

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