Someone in r/ttcafterloss shared an old wives' tale that if you put a baby blanket under the Christmas tree, you'd have a baby by Christmas next year. I did that out of desperation, little did I know my rainbow baby would arrive earlier this month!
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I remember the morning I entered the second trimester with my last pregnancy, I thought of how scared I was to be another day closer to birth and the pain of childbirth. Later that same day, the NIPT result came back as positive for Monosomy X. I blamed myself a lot, maybe it was punishment for not being excited to meet my baby. I prayed and prayed that my baby would make it to term and live a happy life, in exchange I'd go through all the pain childbirth had to offer. But I didn't quite get there, I gave birth to my sleeping baby a month after.
As I approached my due date with this baby, I found myself scared of childbirth pain again. And then I had this irrational fear that if I got an epidural, my baby would somehow be punished because I didn't make enough of a sacrifice. It was a lot of back and forth within myself.
I chose a different hospital than where I gave birth to my sleeping baby. I told the nurses of our loss, and they were all so kind to me. One nurse was walking me through what to expect after birth aka the golden hour, and I started crying uncontrollably. I realized I had been so anxious the whole pregnancy that I didn't allow myself to envision the future beyond the birth of our baby.
After that, the image of a baby, MY baby, doing skin-to-skin on my chest helped me power through each contraction. I didn't have to feel conflicted over an epidural after all, because as soon as I asked for one, things progressed quickly and I had to push before my OB could even make it to the hospital. A couple pushes later, and I heard one nurse announce "twelve thirty-five" - my baby was born!
I thought I would cry tears of joy holding my rainbow baby for the first time. Instead I was crying and throwing a fit because I never got that epidural and the whole thing was so intense I didn't even get a second to process what was going on 😅. But baby boy is perfect, and he's worth every single moment of that roller coaster we had been through.
I still struggle between celebrating my baby boy and mourning his angel sister. I wish there was some alternate universe where I could have them both. But I know we have an angel of our own watching over us, and that's very comforting.
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I'm so thankful to have found a great source of emotional support here in this sub. I can't wait for y'all to welcome your rainbow babies 💛.