r/GetMotivated • u/Pushpita33 • Sep 14 '24
STORY My first heartbreak, can't seem to move on and need suggestion [Story]
I miss him. I still do. It's been a year since he stopped talking to me but I haven't been able to forget him for a moment. I still remember our texts, our conversations, whatever few we had. We were friends then started a long distance relationship and for 2 years we maintained that. We didn't have chances to see each other yet I loved him like crazy. Now he's gone, I can't see him, talk to him yet when I close my eyes, I only see him. I prayed so many times to get him back, nothing happened. I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love someone again. I'm going through a devastating phase and nothing is helping me. Definitely, heartbreak is a reason, but there are many others as well. I just don't know what to do. It's so easy for some to move on and so difficult for others. It's notably more difficult for me because I'm extremely emotional since childhood. But I've decided to get over this trauma. I need tips on how to motivate myself to work only on myself. I cry every single day and it's taking a toll on both my physical and mental health. Any good suggestion is welcome! Tips on controlling emotion might be more important for me.
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u/Beginning_Bug_7840 Sep 14 '24 edited Sep 14 '24
Advice from my therapist that really helped me. You do basically need to retrain your brain a little for now to deal with this. Create a note in your phone that lists everything you didn’t like about him or everything that wasn’t great in relationship. Every time you start thinking about him and the texts and the conversations and then memories you pull that list up and read it. It’s like splashing freezing cold water on your brain. It will stop the spiral.
And if you think you can’t come up with any, regardless how much you loved him trust me they exist. I loved my ex and he was my favorite person and I didn’t want the relationship to end so I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it. Once I thought of a few it put my brain into less biases introspection and before I knew it my list had 27 items. I called the list brain redo and it was so helpful. The mind is f-ing powerful so you need to overcome it.
And, watch the Ted Talk “how to fix a broken heart” by Guy Winch.
It takes time. But I was destroyed by my breakup, and years later I am doing great. Just breathe. You’ll be ok.
And know that scientists have proven that part of the brain that is triggered during a break up is the same one as during withdrawal from drugs. So it’s literally chemical. You’re not crazy for feeling the way you do. And just like withdrawal symptoms, they get better with time.
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u/winstonsays Sep 14 '24
Take it one step at a time. What thing in your life, no matter how small, can improve your situation? You said you are going through a devastating phase - what’s in your control to change? Make SMART goals. Be specific, make it measurable so you can see your progress, make it attainable and reasonable so you know you can succeed, and make it time bound so you motivate yourself on a deadline.
I understand that you’re focusing on your heartbreak right now and if that feels impossible to fix, try to make change in the other aspects of your life. Love yourself and prioritize change. Go to therapy if you need it. It takes time, but I promise it’s doable.
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u/ShaydeMakeup Sep 14 '24
I felt the same with my first love. We met maybe 5 times in total and we would talk CONSTANTLY. We were obsessed with each other seemingly for over a year. But due to some circumstances and us being far away from each other he slowly pulled away. I didn't get over him for four years. I didn't think I could love anyone else because no one is going to be like him. He was my first crush as well at 21 and I genuinely thought I'd never meet someone I liked like that again because he was so cool and we got along in such a specific way.
Everyone feels like this. I thought what we had was special and I didn't believe everyone feels like this.
I did end up meeting someone else and he was a completely different person but he had wonderful qualities and I fell in love again. I got completely over the other dude and don't desire him AT ALL anymore. To be honest I don't see how I was that obsessed.
Anyway. You will find someone else. And you will love again. And you will get over him.
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u/Firm_Bit Sep 14 '24
Do fun stuff and meet new people. You won’t forget you just move on to better things and it makes this seem less special.
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u/ContributionFew4340 Sep 14 '24
It’ll happen again. Sorry to sound crass. A friend of mine once told me, “you’re going to break up with 99% of the people you date, get good at it!” And that’s proven true. Relationships start, they evolve, sometimes they end. It’s okay. It could be the best thing that ever happened to you because now you are free to find true love.
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u/shaz1717 Sep 14 '24
I think a feeling of rejection makes the heart and mind suffer more. It brings deeper stuff up and that’s where therapy can help. We can fall back in love with our lives and our selves and discover we can heal some deep stuff and go beyond our self imposed limitations. Therapy can make this long standing pain an opportunity, sort of in that Buddhist way. I wish you happiness and love .
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u/Fragrant_Thought6636 Sep 14 '24
My bf just dumped me yesterday ah so I feel you! I’ve been struggling myself so much idk what to do rn or how to move forwards but we have to. We have to do what’s best for us even if it hurts yknow
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u/R109CIX Sep 14 '24
Super sad face, my heart breaks for you. You have a wonderful, genuine, sincere, and beautiful heart. Which you should never undervalue. I've been where you are before lots of times. People are just hard to make things work with. In my experience though, everyone phenomenal person I've lost has been devastating, but someone even better comes along and I forget about the old loss almost immediately. This will happen to you, you don't know what will happen tomorrow after all. God's blessings are always just around the corner, so keep praying and hoping! I am right there with you, and I'll add you to my prayers.
In Steven's ministry, we were taught that bottling up feelings or trying to manage feelings is a no no. Our feelings are part of who we are and we can't not act on them. So do what you gotta do in each moment as it passes. What we can control and manage though, is our focus and our thoughts. I started practicing shifting my focus away from my failures and missed opportunities and painful past experiences and looking more towards self care, self improvement, ambitions, future goals, and things I desire. Yes I still desired to be with those I lost in the past, but I knew they were never coming back and dwelling on them would only cause me more pain. I chose to hope. To hope that someone better will come along. To hope and to learn to trust that God's got me. It helped me deepen my relationship with Him and myself. Being able to shift your focus and dwell your thoughts on things that make you feel alive and excited are going to be tremendously helpful for you I think. Being around good and loving people that care about you will also help, don't be afraid to be vulnerable around others. I know the world calls that weakness, but loving on others is one one of the most rewarding things in the world.
If I can help pull you out of this phase or make it better for you in any way please feel free to message me! You're in my prayers
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u/Court-2412 Sep 14 '24
Ughh. This comment is great. Its so helpful for me as well. Thank you. 🥺
OP, I have been going through a heartbreak as well. I struggle a lot still.. (its been months).. but it has gotten easier. I’ve given it to God. Every time I feel my heart breaking all over again I journal and I try to pray. Forgiveness is a huge part of this. Learning to forgive him for hurting me. Learning to forgive sometimes multiple times a day. I also started focusing on my self improvement. I know I am not perfect and had my share of why/how things didn’t work out so I dont want those things to get in the way for my future relationship. Focusing on something more positive has also helped so much. Let yourself feel the pain. Its okay to be sad for as long as you need. But don’t stay there. Force yourself to get out. Go out with friends, go out alone. Go do whatever it is that makes you happy and eventually you’ll realize you went a day or 2 feeling alright and not thinking about him much.
One thing I always wondered.. do guys go through this pain as well? Does it last as long? Its been months for me and as I said, its still painful, some days more than others.
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u/Sharchir Sep 14 '24
Distraction and time are the only things that help. I feel your heartache. I had a someone that took me 7 years to get over
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u/MrHeliumBalloon Sep 14 '24
Don't beat yourself up; Something easier said than done I know, but I do mean it. You'll get there, believe me. It's a grieving process and it takes time to heal.
I'm sure this has already been said, but take up hobbies. Anything for you to focus on. Bonus points if it includes self improvement. It will help take your attention of them and focus it on yourself. It can be big or small. Exercise of any kind is a good, but also something you can pick up and do any time you feel you need a distraction is also good (I would knit scarfs).
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u/LastLapPodcast Sep 14 '24
It’s taken me a year of therapy and a good course of anti depressants to give me the clarity to be ok with how 5 years disappeared in an instant. I want you to know that his decision is not a reflection on you or your ability to be loved. There’s not much I can practically tell you to help but over time you will process the loss, you will go through all the stages of grief probably multiple times and in the end you will gain an amount of clarity even if you can’t ever get full closure. Sometimes we get scarred by love and it hurts and it never really leaves us. But that doesn't mean love is bad or that love cannot happen again in the fullness of time. You have proven that you can have those feelings and that someone else can feel them for you. You have no rush to find love again, let it find you when you are ready. Until then let yourself be sad because a sad thing had happened. Be glad that for two years you had a good thing happen. Remember it for everything it was. Then one day you can move on from it.
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u/Appa1904 Sep 14 '24
"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers "
You're praying for someone who may not be intended for you. I'm sure there's a better plan. Also delayed doesn't mean denied. . .
I've seen people break up. Date others a few years, eventually date each other again, break up, repeat, like 3 times before finally ending up together years later when they were grown and matured. . . .
Even if this person never returns back into your life, you will be okay. . .
It's going to hurt, you will cry randomly, you will miss him, you will have dreams, it'll make you feel sick and anxious, but that's a part of the process. You're literally mourning a loss as if someone died. . .
It's normal and it's okay to feel what you feel. Accept it, but don't get stuck in it. . .
Your mind is extremely powerful. You have the power to change your thoughts. You have to start feeding yourself more positive thoughts.
I got this. I will be okay. I was okay before this person, I will be okay after. . .
Start working on yourself, use that pain to better yourself, start working out, start doing things that make you feel better. . . Even if for a moment.
Other than that, just give it time. . . It starts to hurt a little less as time goes on. Take the time you need, and if absolutely necessary, get help.
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u/MeowiWaui Sep 14 '24
Assuming you’re very young still, the first heartbreak probably hurts the most because u don’t know how to process it. Just know that many of us have been in your position before at that age, and no matter what happens, it’s all part of the learning experience.
I’m only 23 but my most recent heartbreak showed me that im vastly more mature now and able to handle it in a healthier way. I promise you’ll get there, whether it’s for this one or the next
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u/His_Royal_Highness_1 Sep 14 '24
For me... The best way to really get over someone is to get under someone better. Harsh reality.
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u/ravenenene Sep 15 '24
you need a new obsession, honestly, so that you get a chance to retrain your mind and start to imagine a life where that person doesnt exist or isnt the key to your happiness. if you arent doing much or your day to day is super routine and unsatisfying, it will be very difficult to get over someone, because you can't see a future where life is better. some potential obsessions would be a new skill or hobby, like calligraphy, doodling, photography, etc. the more chances you will be in contact with other people, the better. without the ability to connect with other humans, you will not be able to critically face your past or why the relationship ended. you also have nothing to look forward to, so you just keep looking backwards.
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u/LongjumpingCar6319 Sep 16 '24
Keep In mind the steps of grief
A support system will help lessen the time
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u/Plekuz Sep 14 '24
Don't fight the storm. It can't be beaten. Don't try to outrun it either. It will always catch up with you. Don't try to move around it. It will move with you.
Trying to push your feelings away is not the answer, and neither is comparing yourself to others. What you feel is what makes you your honest, unique self. Never think it is wrong to feel what you feel right now.
Embrace the storm. Go through it. Don't run, but slowly experience how it is affecting you. Get to know how to move with it without it blowing you over.
Allow yourself to feel everything you feel, but slowly and gradually try to find out what the value of these feelings are. Mindfulness. Becoming aware that they exist, that they are allowed to run their course, but no longer define who you are or have control over you.
You will get to the center of the storm, where it is quiet and calm, and you can see what bothered you as something that is no longer part of you, but is still a presence in your life.
That is the moment you can really start to put things into perspective, and you will see the storm slowly die down. There might still be big gusts of wind in the years after, but you will know how to bend with those.
The road will be long. The road will be bumpy. But if you persevere, even the smallest step will bring you closer to where you want to be. Stay strong.
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u/ore-ion Sep 14 '24
Perspective: imagine there's no future with this said person and every time you miss them, dwell on the above thought
hope this helps( only try if you really wanna move on, coz it's really effective)
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u/Distinct_Pepper_8764 Sep 14 '24
Take a listen to the audible power of now. I personally love it. Keep your mind off things
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u/BanjoBushi Sep 15 '24 edited Sep 15 '24
Needless to say, it's difficult to experience heartbreak. It's especially so when you're not ready for it, which is most of the time.
I find it misleading and impatient when people tell other they need to move on from heartache. As advice, it never sat right with me. To say "move on" implies a past tense. To tell someone or yourself to "move on" or "just move on" is like telling someone to already be at an end point. Grief, however, is a process. I prefer to say we move through it.
Coming out of my breakup, even the thought of potential permanence of the end was extremely painful. And if anything, to think it was truly over, I clung tighter to the potential of her returning. What I've since found to be the best way for me to look at life since is to frame it as how can I set up the conditions with in myself and my life for me be happy/take care of my well being. In other words, I am not trying to be over her. I am also not actively trying to be happy or to have good well-being; I am focused on setting the conditions for such. I don't know what the future holds and setting too specific of expectations is limiting and sets me up for disappointment. In my griefing process, the conditions of well-being meant small victories, especially in the beginning. I started with spending time on things I enjoyed, treating myself here and there, and not engaging in activities or thoughts that would trigger more emotions about the breakup. (The latter comes gradually; I am not endorsing fully avoiding any thoughts or emotions about the breakup/person. Tend to them as they come, but when you have peace, be mindful of if you might provoke them.) I've also done what I can to find a support system and put aspects of my life that got neglected together. I even began to slowly allowing myself to open up to people again. Grief is a process; most just forget it is. You must through day-to-day and what it entails is unique to each one of us.
Don't expect yourself to have good/bad days; be kind to yourself, be patient. Most days may not feel good, but the fact you're getting through them is progress.
Whether he returns or not, you must care for yourself. Que sera sera - what shall be shall be. Whatever is the happen, you need you to be at your best.
With your relationship being online, I recommend that you look into complex grief. This pertains to grief where an end is ambiguous. Separately, I also recommend the teachings of Viktor Frankl. He is most well known for his teachings of logo therapy, a clinical therapy perspective focused on meaning. You may find a book by him call, "Man's search for meaning" helpful as well.
Finally, I wish you the best. It's been a couple years now for me. My life has changed in many ways, but she still lingers in my mind and my dreams. The pain has eased as my life has moved forward, but I do finally feel above the waves. I truly hope the best for you. Stay strong, even when you feel the weakest. Crying is not weakness; it is strength. You are stronger than you feel. I believe in you.
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u/zwheels18 12 Sep 15 '24
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u/zwheels18 12 Sep 15 '24
This was a fantastic read for me. I had many sections screenshotted and would look back through daily for a while. I hope you get a chance to read it. I feel for you
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u/Ordinary_Forever2863 Sep 15 '24
Go workout. Hang out with friends. Do things that make you happy and get things off your mind. Go try new food places.
Getting over a break up is never easy.
The first one is always the hardest. I still think about all the what if’s with the first guy I genuinely liked. We still keep in touch every blue moon, both happy in our relationships and ultimately everything happens for a reason. He was truly one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever known.
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u/Clipclopapplepop Sep 15 '24
I know how it feels. Mine was as emotionally devastating as someone close to me dying. You get better with time. Stay busy. Have a life and friends. Over time you will realise that you didn’t think about the person all day. Then later on you might think of them and realise you hadn’t thought about them in a while. Just do your best to try and distract yourself from thinking about them. Turn the TV on and try to focus on the show, get a book and try to focus on the story. Go to lunch with friends and ask them not to bring up that person and do your best to avoid talking about them. Each time you successfully think about something else you are doing great things for your peace of mind. You will feel better. Since it has been a year, you will start to see changes soon.
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u/bagelman10 Sep 16 '24
i went through some tough breakups too. Soul crushing breakups. Now I am happily married with 2 kids. Thank god I broke up with those girls.
Ruminating thoughts are cyclical. The more you ruminate about a person the deeper the rut in the brain. I learned eventually to notice when I was having thoughts. Once you notice you are having thoughts you are in control. You then can CHOOSE to not have that thought. Even if it is just for a moment, before the thought pops back in. Do this as often as you can. NOTICE your thoughts and redirect them. Eventually the rut in your brain will lessen and lessen. Rest assured, you will find love in the future. Be well.
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u/Minute-Musician-9631 Sep 16 '24
most powerful advise i can tell you is go on trip to other country and see other people you will definitely forget him ( happened to me before and discovered that) and sorry for my bad English
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u/thereisnomoreavailUN Sep 16 '24
I experienced this before, we were together for 5 years broke up because he could not fight for me. He was destined to have a fixed marriage so I had to choose myself and let go. It’s really very hard but you have to accept it. Accept the fact it will never be the same again. Appreciate that you felt loved for that time period and use that as a basis that the next person you will love will show more appreciation towards you and a sense of security that it will only be you forever. It took time to date again, but thankful for the love I first had with the ex since he made me realize what it is to feel that way. It will definitely lead you to someone who will be more than what you prayed for. I am happily married now. My ex saved me from abusive and mediocre relationships because he became the basis of what I should get and that I should be loved more than I was ever loved before. I promise there is hope. Time will heal you, embrace it right now but do not close yourself off from the world. You got this OP
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u/DanielMicc Sep 17 '24
You’re making the right move by focusing on yourself. Start with small goals, like picking up a new hobby or getting into a routine. Learning to sit with your emotions without letting them control you takes time, but you're already on the right path by recognizing it and seeking tips. Keep pushing forward
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u/IandouglasB Sep 14 '24
Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? Life is a marathon, not a sprint, you have time to find the right someone for you...the RIGHT someone. Time for some hard self reflection and honesty with yourself. A year? Crying? Why? If this guy was worth crying about, he'd still be there with you. He isn't, so he wasn't. You have heaped too much meaning into something that was just fleeting with little substance. Trust an old guy, long distance relationships RARELY work out, you have lives WITHOUT each other. Your capacity to love increases as you age, you think you loved him like crazy, but there is another level of love, intimacy, attachment that grows and grows the longer you are with someone. I thought I loved my first love like crazy, I thought I loved my first wife like crazy. But the woman of my dreams came along and all of those earlier loves I now see were nothing much in comparison. By NO MEANS am I minimizing your feelings or your love for him, I am saying that greater and more meaningful relationships are ahead. I know I sound a bit harsh, I want you to give yourself some tough love and let him go. Perspective is needed here, when you have the right perspective your emotions will be easier to manage, the past is gone, time to move on, looking back keeps you from seeing a better future for you and that TRULY special someone.
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u/Pushpita33 Sep 16 '24
I honestly like your comment. I'd try to keep it in mind whenever I feel dejected.
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u/IandouglasB Sep 16 '24
Fantastic! That means your perspective is beginning to change. Next step is to keep looking forwards instead of back. Now be kind and fair to yourself and promise you that you will spend more time thinking of the good stuff than you do the stuff that makes you feel dejected. After that? You'll be unstoppable!!
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u/Guita4Vivi2038 Sep 14 '24
Ffs, if you can afford it, go talk to a therapist.
This is Reddit, an online social forum. You won't get the kind of expert advice and help you may need by looking at pixilated letters from God knows who in here.
Good luck to you
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u/sleep_magnets Sep 14 '24
I find it interesting that so many comments are about finding ways to lessen your perception of this past relationship. I disagree with that. It's the road to being jaded and miserable.
My advice is to embrace endings. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss someone. But you also need to embrace that it's gone, and be thankful for the time you had. It's a piece of your life, a piece of what has shaped you and made you who you are today. If you take the good from it and keep it with you, you'll find others that reflect that good or enhance it, and you will grow and perhaps you and the new person will grow together.
Life is full of pain and suffering. Don't turn a time that was good into pain and suffering, or something you need to excise. Embrace it for all the good it brought, let go of the hurt and negativity, and move forward. You've got this!