r/Eldenring • u/The-Real-Wooper • Nov 01 '24

Humor Describe an Elden Ring boss really badly, and I’ll guess who you’re describing.

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6.2k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

2.3k comments sorted by

1.9k

u/Pure-Disciplinesouls Nov 01 '24

My 600 pound life

849

u/Abject_Muffin_731 Nov 01 '24

Fuck that guy, especially the one in volcano manor... Unless u mean a dragon cuz those mfs are probably heavy as hell

333

u/Physical-Dig4929 Nov 01 '24

Dragons are above 600 pounds

255

u/Gregariouswaty Nov 01 '24

Most bosses are above 600 pounds.

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50

u/Abject_Muffin_731 Nov 01 '24

No kidding. "My 600lb life" is usually to refer to someone being large in size, not being exactly 600 lbs

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24

u/Jasonkim87 Nov 01 '24

They’re actually over 9000

11

u/FnB8kd Nov 02 '24

No, this scouter is broken.

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32

u/Pererogatist Don't hug ghost ladies, you might end up fighting a dragon Nov 01 '24

I'm level 66 and I still struggle with Volcano manor noble immensely. Furthest I got was 40% health

24

u/Abject_Muffin_731 Nov 01 '24

Marionette archers are pretty good at trading aggro and building up stance break

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41

u/Momongus- 🌞 Nov 01 '24

Godskin noble slander will not be tolerated

81

u/Abject_Muffin_731 Nov 01 '24

I cant hear u im being crushed under the 6 hour long fat roll

26

u/Momongus- 🌞 Nov 01 '24

Try plump sort ahead

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90

u/real_godskin_noble IO Nov 01 '24

Words hurt you know

74

u/XxCloudyBubblexX Nov 01 '24

Godskin Noble.

28

u/NoGoodGodGames Nov 01 '24

Godskin noble is always 2 spins ahead.

18

u/hornplayerchris Nov 01 '24

This might be a dumb question, but are the Godskin Nobles actually fat or are they just wearing thicker layers of God Skin than the Apostles?

47

u/real_godskin_noble IO Nov 01 '24

I have big bones, okay

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2.8k

u/[deleted] Nov 01 '24

O I

1.0k

u/Emergency_Film_6928 Nov 01 '24

God skin noble & apostle

118

u/MuffinLaddyt Nov 01 '24

The one in the snow field cave that had the snail at the end

26

u/Resident_Soup_2818 Nov 01 '24

The fucking snail! I killed both godskins then has mayhe 5hp left, and it killed me. But once I killed them and the snail I was so happy

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93

u/proteusthe Nov 01 '24

hughie

60

u/AaronRodgersMustache Nov 01 '24

OI UE

55

u/Nevermort21 Nov 01 '24

That Tarnished dun took me woif an killed me bloody son. ~ Hoarah Loux, Butcher.

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153

u/crashlanding87 Nov 01 '24

Outstanding work

89

u/Pererogatist Don't hug ghost ladies, you might end up fighting a dragon Nov 01 '24

r/godskinduo

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30

u/assassin10 Nov 01 '24

You there! Could you help us out, cully?

9

u/ManySleeplessNights Nov 01 '24

Stop pretending you can't see me!

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1.1k

u/PrizeLucky Nov 01 '24

Old man gets mad and starts streaking

317

u/He-manual Nov 01 '24

Godfrey!

94

u/Curious-Salad-9594 Nov 01 '24

Margit/morgott?

282

u/Abject_Muffin_731 Nov 01 '24

(dlc) I'm guessing Midra, his clothes become tiny tattered rags when he turns into the frenzied flame

18

u/SSMmemedealer Nov 01 '24

I turned the world into frenzied flame and always will

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8

u/Miserable-Glass1760 MAY CHAOS TAKE THE WORLD! Nov 01 '24

Midra

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1.1k

u/Sheamusoreilly Nov 01 '24

Anal beads

502

u/bolshneinache Nov 01 '24

astel dunno

859

u/IndieGameClinic Nov 01 '24

Astel, Big Naturals of the Void

188

u/DetailedManx Nov 01 '24

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18

u/Biomewtrix Nov 02 '24

Love how on mobile I can never see these things T.T

32

u/HumanFightersUnited Nov 01 '24

If I had an award to give...

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21

u/Averagestudentx Nov 01 '24

Magnus the beads claw

8

u/I_Am-Awesome Nov 01 '24

this instantly popped up in my head when I read your comment.

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950

u/Laddy_Lad_Ladio Nov 01 '24

Homeless guy who swaps between 4 weapons then vomits a lot

151

u/DownDawn Nov 01 '24

that's Dante from DMC (he vomits in the morning)

45

u/swawskekw MILF (Man I Love Fortissax) Nov 01 '24

Too much pizza :(

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254

u/KrimxonRath Nov 01 '24

Man so cursed he has a God’s face pushing through his flesh

(It’s bad because this describes multiple bosses)

246

u/IndieGameClinic Nov 01 '24

People really underestimate how much influence FromSoft take from Teletubbies

69

u/The-Real-Wooper Nov 01 '24

I wanna say Fire Giant?

58

u/KrimxonRath Nov 01 '24

He’s the other one. I was talking about the Lamenter from the DLC (the face is on his back).

There are other enemies with faces on them too, but they’re just fodder.

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13

u/boisterile Nov 01 '24

Alternatively, god so cursed he has a man's face pushing through his flesh

7

u/evennoiz Nov 01 '24

The berserk inspired creatures are the best part of Elden Ring. 

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1.0k

u/QueasyDelivery69 Nov 01 '24

Allegations beaten

678

u/The-Real-Wooper Nov 01 '24

THE MOHGLESTER

316

u/butsadlyiamonlyaneel Nov 01 '24

"It wasn't me! I was Miquellested!"

-- Mohg, Lord of Acquittals

12

u/that_is_so_Raven Nov 01 '24

Wasn't his real name Lester McClintock?

18

u/TheGreatPif Nov 01 '24

mogh

28

u/-H_- Nov 01 '24

GAHH ITS NOT MOGH ITS MOHG

14

u/balugabe Nov 01 '24

Ahh, Moh, or some say Mohg

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11

u/Ispawnfuries Nov 01 '24

Every time I see allegations, I think of "Furry Allegations"

Iykyk

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688

u/StriderShizard Nov 01 '24

Wait, why does he have that sword???

488

u/WhisperingEclipse Nov 01 '24

Misbegotten in ice cave

185

u/StriderShizard Nov 01 '24

Ding ding ding

106

u/WhisperingEclipse Nov 01 '24

Hell yeah! You can give my prize at your earliest convenience

362

u/StriderShizard Nov 01 '24

Here you go, did a quick sketch of your fluffy boy.

112

u/WhisperingEclipse Nov 01 '24

Oh my god I was kidding about a prize this is amazing thanks 🦊💜

57

u/StriderShizard Nov 01 '24

He's a handsome man.

46

u/WhisperingEclipse Nov 01 '24

Yeah he is a really sweet boy

32

u/ibelieveinmikehawk Nov 01 '24

yo that was really wholesome man.

11

u/Unique-Abberation Nov 01 '24

I'm guessing maine coon lmao

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49

u/TTungsteNN Nov 01 '24

This is wholesome af

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5

u/Kitchen-Island45 "Marika's tits!" Nov 01 '24

WHY DOES HE HAVE THAT SWORD....

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473

u/note2300 Nov 01 '24

1 body 1 twink and 1 soldier

196

u/The-Real-Wooper Nov 01 '24

Radahn, Consort Of Miquella?

59

u/note2300 Nov 01 '24

yes mr redditor

568

u/seasofthesuns Nov 01 '24

Pontiff sulyvahn

104

u/Vagabond_Charizard Emboldened by the flame of ambition Nov 01 '24

Dude, OP said “really badly”; this is just handing us the answer.

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7

u/oculasti95 Nov 01 '24

Considering Radahn has his moveset… is it Radahn?

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18

u/DeadPoolRN Nov 01 '24

The balcony just behind him was a PVP hot zone.

253

u/c641971 Nov 01 '24

It looks like a Plesiosaur with a penis for a neck and head

107

u/Outrageous_Pay7015 Nov 01 '24

Elden Beast?

54

u/Futanari_Raider Nov 01 '24

That’s just a plesiosaur.

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86

u/Flux-7- Nov 01 '24

Quadrapedal space rock

43

u/IndieGameClinic Nov 01 '24

When you’re mean to me this is who you’re being mean to (a cross between a bull, a beetle, and some healing amethysts your auntie bought from the head shop)

13

u/Flux-7- Nov 01 '24

Yeah, sounds about right xD

16

u/Apocalypse_0415 Nov 01 '24

Fallingstar beast

8

u/Crocodilladox Nov 01 '24

That stupid fuck fallingstar beast. I got so greedy with him because he took so long to kill and had the same moves that drag on FOREVER!

228

u/Eiky00 Nov 01 '24

Very sick overweight guy sitting on a struggling horse

121

u/The-Real-Wooper Nov 01 '24

Starscourge Radahn?

26

u/[deleted] Nov 01 '24

Putrescent Knight

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226

u/Hell_Dodo Nov 01 '24

Previous landlord coming back with his cat on his shoulder. Practices his chiropractor moves on his cat before performing them on you.

61

u/Karl_Gess Nov 01 '24

Godfrey

46

u/The-Real-Wooper Nov 01 '24

Godfrey/Hoarah Loux, Chiropractor

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71

u/Nate2247 Nov 01 '24

Bigfoot hits you with a pot lid he found

67

u/Goblinaaa Nov 01 '24

Pokemon trainer

45

u/Bacillus_1990 Nov 01 '24

Renalla

25

u/Goblinaaa Nov 01 '24

wow she even has a pokeball i didn't even consider that i was thinking the spirit caller snail

17

u/Apocalypse_0415 Nov 01 '24

Spiritcaller snail?

Commander Niall, O’Neil?

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8

u/swawskekw MILF (Man I Love Fortissax) Nov 01 '24

Elder inquisitor Jori?

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56

u/Encry15 Nov 01 '24

Ginger with half a body

63

u/FerretAres Nov 01 '24

Malenia, Romina, Radagon, or Rykard. It’s actually concerning how many this could be.

31

u/AgentWowza Nov 01 '24

Romina has a full and well body, thank you very much.

Honestly, the discrimination against half-arachnid half-insect rot-ridden physique in the Land of Shadow is ridiculous. All started with that flaming bloke...

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39

u/marko910 Nov 01 '24

Aggressive spaghetti

26

u/mustang51k Nov 01 '24

Ulcerated Tree Spirit

8

u/CharnamelessOne Nov 02 '24

Could be Godskin Apostle

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29

u/Dalek-of-Littleroot Nov 01 '24

Insufferable hogrider

19

u/The-Real-Wooper Nov 01 '24

Commander Gaius

7

u/bordengrote Nov 01 '24

Fuck that guy and his mount, whatever it is, with his endless spear attacks and mount stomps.

102

u/flextothemax Nov 01 '24 edited Nov 01 '24

he chain attacc but also snek

71

u/Old-Ordinary-6194 Nov 01 '24

I was gonna say Rykard cause of Snek but chain attacking is Messmer's thing so it's gotta be Messmer

26

u/Rob4096 Nov 01 '24

Calls me stupid, dances around like an idiot and sets everything on fire

25

u/Zestyclose-Sundae593 Nov 01 '24

No one expected the hornsent...

12

u/Lyons125 Nov 01 '24

Hornsent Age: Inquisition

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25

u/Max_Imumdong Nov 01 '24

They're a super cool dragon

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22

u/FoCo87 Nov 01 '24

Really angry man kills his pet cat then tries to hug you to death so he can get back together with his ex-wife.

8

u/Dusk_Devil Nov 01 '24

Godfrey lmfao

20

u/wolviesaurus Shield Crasher Nov 01 '24

Another one? Wait another one?

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48

u/David_Bolarius TWOW foreshadowing? Nov 01 '24 edited Nov 01 '24

Now I am become eepy, the goer to bed

Edit: Now I become eepy, the woken from bed

20

u/henkhenksen52 Nov 01 '24

Godskin noble after 2 sleep pots

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9

u/TermLimit4Patriarchs Nov 01 '24

That big ass dragon that just lets you kill it. Can’t remember the name.

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81

u/Ren575 Nov 01 '24 edited Nov 01 '24

They have a sword and look cool

Edit: answer, it's Malenia, Blade of Miquella

158

u/Similar-Fox4574 Nov 01 '24

Soldier of Godrick ez game

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11

u/Triggernometri143 Nov 01 '24

Artorias….ahhh shit wrong sub

6

u/Bacillus_1990 Nov 01 '24

I suposse that Crucible knight

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14

u/Master-shesh Nov 01 '24

Reintroduce herself every time she kill you

7

u/AsleepCellist7362 Nov 01 '24

I am Malenia, blade of Miquella.

inhale SHUT UP

31

u/AsmodeussI Nov 01 '24

Homeless man with a stick

34

u/Florjb0rj THE John Vigor Nov 01 '24

It’s a dog! It’s a plane! No, it’s killed me again!

14

u/Onni_J Nov 01 '24

Maliketh

9

u/Florjb0rj THE John Vigor Nov 01 '24

✅

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32

u/Thick-Tip9255 Nov 01 '24

Gay-incest-man and his flamboyant companion brother.

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11

u/machoman41 Nov 01 '24

Walrus with an uzi

5

u/RicotheWolf24 Nov 01 '24

I love this one

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10

u/HurricaneBatman Nov 01 '24

"Well, if it ain't the invisible c*nt"

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19

u/dylannsmitth TOGETHAAAA🗡️🐍👹 Nov 01 '24

The boss is not the boss.

20

u/Apocalypse_0415 Nov 01 '24

Spiritcaller snail

9

u/dylannsmitth TOGETHAAAA🗡️🐍👹 Nov 01 '24

Bingo

👻

. 🔔🐌

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8

u/Damaged_Fingers Nov 01 '24

A duo fight, probably not the one you are thinking about

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5

u/Intrepid-Farmer1710 Nov 01 '24

They told me I looked like a noodle when I stretched

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6

u/National_Moose2283 Nov 01 '24

They have a weird spear that's on fire and they most definitely have back issues, they also have a pet animal

8

u/The-Real-Wooper Nov 01 '24

Messmer, his posture is awful.

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7

u/JustPoli Nov 01 '24

Lots of chandeliers and fat guys raining from above

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6

u/Robinkc1 Faceballs Favourite Apprentice Nov 01 '24

Paraplegic choir, and a really rough divorce.

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5

u/Feeling-Lemon-9221 FLAIR INFO: SEE SIDEBAR Nov 01 '24

Big magic mommy

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5

u/Effective_Pea1309 Nov 01 '24

"Describe an elden ring boss really badly" 🤔..

The one boss where, like.. you go there and like the boss decides you shan't go further and so you're like "awh man.." but then, like, you still defeat it and then you, you go- uh.. further 😶..

Who am I??

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5

u/181memestar Nov 02 '24

Confused idiot who tries to kill you several times for trying to destroy a system that LITERALLY hates his guts.

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4

u/L1chdragon_Fort1ssax Nov 02 '24

He's rich, a dragon, and he's got forty stacks.

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5

u/ikonikosai Nov 01 '24

Pinky and the brain (once again)

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