Every day around 3pm she will begin drinking red wine. By 6pm she is drunk and peaks around 9pm. She sighs loudly constantly, coughs frequently, opens and closes doors much louder than required. Oh, she also smokes about 30 cigarettes a day. Some nights she asks random personal questions, others she is upset about the past and cries. My dad sits alone watching television and often plays caretaker as the night drags on.

I want nothing to do with it anymore. I don't want this on my mind. It is none of my responsibility.

I was watching "The Connors" since it's going off-air, and deeply hurt when I really reacted badly to the Roseanne-character's storyline. My Mom has been gone for 24 years, and still, I had so much unfinished business I never dealt with. Like that character, my Mom had an opioid addiction, what, in the 70s & 80s was called by the less-difficult term "prescription drug addiction". She had alcoholism from her teen-years on, so it was not such a shock she developed that addiction after medical issues.

In some ways, I was more fortunate than most, when having a Mother with alcholism, an opioid addiction, and mental health struggles, but with a Father who sought to overcompensate and provide well for my brother and I. So many of the people i've met though the ACOA-type connections are those who grew up with an alcoholic Father who left them lost, neglected, poor, abused, frigtened, that sort of thing. But my Mom it seemed never bonded with my brother and I, we adopted as infants, not blood-related to each other, and apparently my Mom having an attachment disorder. She had a terrible, alcoholic childhood as well, so perhaps that's why she was so emotionally cut-off, numbing her feelings with alcohol and prescription drugs. I'm also appreciative that she never made the connection btween opioids and herion, as so many do now, a horrific life to deal with. But my Dad who loved us well, was also emotionally unstable, angry so much crisis was the reality, and we feeling we never measured up. I am not angry at them, especially knowing really well how messed up I am too.

I am gay and went to Catholic schools, my Dad leaning on his faith all those decades of painful struggles, and they weren't really pleased with that either. To them, it was just another disorder, screw-up, personal failure of so many.

While depression and anxiety affect mental clarity, memory, and the like, I really had serious struggles from just before I started high school, and struggled to maintain the "C" average to not be expelled. I still contend theere's something wrong in my head besides what's known, maybe a learning disability or even Asperger's Syndrome. I have no answers, but it only contribultes to me feeling like a walking mess.

Back to my Mom: She suffered heart failure at 64, and it was incredibly horrific that the hospital where our personal family physician was connected to would not do the surgery: we had great insurance, but the prognosis was she's both not survive the surgery, and not survive without it. We found a nearby hospital that would do the surgery, and amazingly both survived and did so for four years onward. She came out of it with a sort of nervous breakdown, saying and doing really strange things. She was put in a hospital psychiatric ward, and they decided to give her Electro-Convulsive-Therapy, where they shock the brain with electric currents, what came across as some barbaric, antiquated medical-quack procedure. She amazingly was snapped-back into sanity, and was this wonderful, warm, connected, present person I hadn't really known.

Because of that procedure's success, I am trying to find a doctor / hospital who will do the same for me, my depression and anxiety at a level I am struggling to bear each day.

I am in recovery from anorexia and bulimia I had from 13 until 46, and thankful I'm alive and well-enough to say that, when so many don't live having it that long.

A year ago I was evicted from the apt I rented from my extended family for a decade, they selling the apt, but telling me I was to stay. That clearly was not the case, and they locked me out of it after me moving a small fraction of what I had to a new apt; my nephew who I loved and trusted spent a moth tellimg me he'd help me move my things, then, after 30 days stalling it, he told me it all became his familiy's since it was on their property 30 days and I had not removed it, the obvious, unfully joke that he had asked to use my keys and locked me out. The civil court didn't seem to care, and I struggled to go on these past few months since. When they were evicting me a year ago, I could not find an apt, & w/no money, being on disability, no landlord was stupid enough to chance it with me. I had an anorexic relapse, and hoped it would take me when I was facing homelessness. I have a brother, as I said, but he's a drug addict, a career criminal, who they kicked out in 2016 after stealiing from me repeatedly when we lived in the apt together. I'm very poor, single, my only friends are on FB, i've developed a nervous tick, I am generally bed-ridden, living in a bad part of a dangerous inner-city, not working and trying to climb my way out of the even-lower disaster I never saw coming. I'm in so much pain, but what I soothe my soul with, is that if I survived all i have, I can take the next thing that comes along. But I'm here, and where there's life, there's hope. Thank you for letting me tell some of my story. I find a sense of purpose in helping others online, so I hope I can do that here, or at least be the ear and shoulder someone might need. Thank you. Daniel.

I feel really stuck being an adult and living with my mom who decided to start drinking again after 10 years of being sober. She started a few months ago while I was going through a break-up with my ex that is still actively destroying me. She said that she drank because she was “hurting for me”. She’s always been quick to blame everyone else for her shitty choices. She’s now “socially drinking” again with her new boyfriend (who is actually a nice guy who treats her well) and promised she wouldn’t drink alone. She’s already broken that promise a few times. Every time I look at her after she’s been drinking I feel absolutely repulsed by her. Her slurring and glassy eyes make me want to vomit- and my sadness and rage is taking over so badly. It takes me right back to my childhood. I feel like I have no escape as it’s so hard to afford living alone, on top of feeling lonely and hopeless that I’ll never find a partner who I can live with to take me away from this. I love her but I really dislike and resent her, and if I could never speak to her again I would. The hopelessness is killing me.

I recently had an encounter with my father and I am unsure of how to feel.... My dad is an alcoholic (which is why I'm here) and our relationship has always been up and down. I've tried to maintain a relationship for years. It never went anywhere, he lied to be alone. I recently heard from him because he wanted a place to stay. He got kicked out of where he was living. So I asked him why and he wouldn't tell me. If I lived alone, I wouldnt have had an issue. But I have a wife (who he has hit on and harassed in the past) and a pre-teen daughter. So, I thought it was fair to ask why. He wouldn't tell me. He just wanted to say everything would be okay. I eventually got him to tell me it was alcohol related, which I'm not surprised. But, I told him I wasn't comfortable letting him stay on my home. He started calling and texting me to tell me he needs my help. But when I offered help, with stipulations and guidelines, he didn't want to hear it. He told me how I was going to help. So I told him no. No, he's not welcome on my home, no he not storing his items in my home, and no I won't drive him around. It came out later, he needed to be driven around because he didn't have his car. He wrecked it....while drunk. I called to ask if he was arrested. He swore he wasn't. Well guess what I learned today....he was arrested. Why lie? You want my help and can't be honest? Am I wrong? In the end I had to block his number because he wouldn't stop. Am I wrong? I feel bad. Should I? It's important to note.... I hadn't heard from in a year. A year before this he called to tell me he thought he was going to die ( that's a story for another time). But I'm conflicted. Is it me or is this just how it is dealing with alcoholism?

Our parents were in treatment together at the same time, and clearly he did not want anyone to know about it, as I didn't my Mom's situation too, but that he avoided me, when in that support group for teens of addicted parents, we were at least cordial in that safer sphere. I was on the outside, and that he would avoid me made me feel that I was so effed-up and undesireable as a friend, that I was just that. It's petty in theory, and of course he didn't want me to out his family's problems, but I felt guilt-and-repulsion by association, if that makes sense. Here was the one person who knew what was up, and he didn't want anything to do with me. I already was really ostracized, and this only confirmed it, since he knew me better than most, and almost ran when he saw me. I just needed to vent that. Thank you.

I haven’t been to a meeting yet but found this group through some research. I only spent the holidays with my dad this year, who I still have a good relationship with. But any time I set firm boundaries or defend myself to my brother and mom who have substance abuse issues/are alcoholics, he makes me feel bad. I’m always portrayed as a bad person or “bossy” or “a bully” for how I act around my mom and brother. Both are irrational, but in calling out their irrationalities i feel irrational myself…My mom was emotionally/verbally abusive to me as a child/teen and in turn, I probably lashed out at my younger brother too. But I was a teenager when it happened and have tried to be nothing but supportive to my brother as an adult, even through his DWI, getting kicked out of college, and violence when under the influence. My brother is starting to own up to his mistakes but my mom is still in “victim” mode and has expressed to her ex husband that we all want her dead. I know that all of this is a guilt trip to suck me back in (both my mom and brother), but I feel like I’m going crazy trying to defend myself. I even lost my voice on Christmas trying to explain the psychology behind their behavior.

Is anyone else going through this? I feel so alone and confused and most of my friends come from somewhat stable, affluent families. I’m having a hard time forming deep friendships and romantic relationships because most people are turned off by my situation. It feels like I’m a sick animal and my pack can smell the sickness and are avoiding me lol. Funny analogy but it sums it up.

Does anyone have any advice on navigating friendships and dating while I navigate and try and heal from this? I’m already making progress but I feel like people with normal family dynamics “smell the sickness” and stay away. The only people who truly want to stay around are also “sick” or are narcissistic, alcoholics etc.

My sister was my moms caretaker for the last 5 years of her life (my job before that) and since mom died 3 years ago, my sister has been drinking a lot. I’ve spoken to her twice before about this. She is in her late 40s.

I saw her recently for Christmas and she was looking super unhealthy, bloated. She slept until the afternoon on Christmas and was drinking wine when awake

I know I can’t do anything to help her get her life on track. But what is my responsibility here? Do I speak to her again? I think she should stop drinking and consider getting a job, both for the money and health insurance AND to have structure in her life

Thoughts?

Hi all. Really struggling in my relationship with my dad and what I want to do. I’m in my 30s, married, live about 15 minutes away from my parents so I usually see them at least 1-2x per week. My dad’s been an alcoholic my whole life. He typically binge drinks - he’s always had a full-time job. He won’t drink on work nights or days that he’s worked, but when he has his days off, he drinks heavily and gets belligerent. It really has progressed recently - we used to see each other all the time, go out to eat, etc. I’ve refused to go out to eat after he’s been drinking since the fall, when he nearly got into a fight with another restaurant patron due to being drunk.

I’m struggling with the relationship and what I want to do. He and my mom are married, and I’ve watched him treat her horribly while drunk. I do love my dad dearly, as he is a great supportive man when he’s sober. But he’s a total 180 when drinking. Just a few months ago, I finally shared my feelings with him about his drinking. It has taken a LOT of courage for me to do, because it’s awkward and I hate hurting peoples’ feelings. I had hope (maybe naively) that it would be meaningful for him, but I just got an “ok” and continued behavior.

It’s really hard to explain to my partner why there are times I refuse to go to my parents’ house. I usually know if he’s been drinking, because he will text me or start posting dumb shit on Facebook. My partner just casually mentioned stopping over to drop something off at their home one day and I totally lost it in a panic because I attempt to avoid my dad drunk at all costs. That was when I sort of realized this is really affecting me, even more now as an adult than it did when I was a kid.

I don’t really have a question, or anything. Just kind of venting and wishing I wasn’t in this club. I wish my dad would prioritize his family and relationships over this.

I unblocked my mom’s number after being no contact for 5+ years since her old friend passed and I was letting her know. A few weeks have passed and she is now inviting me down for the various holidays as if nothing has changed. I texted her this “Thank you for the offer but I can’t just pretend things are back to how they used to be. And frankly if you are still actively drinking I would prefer not to be around. “ but I’m just looking for advice on the whole situation. Is she brainwashed? Why do I feel guilty setting (new?) boundaries?

My mom just was drinking again last week and then went into the hospital this week (I was visiting for Christmas). They ran tests but she didn’t have a heart attack it was like a panic attack from stress. She had been lying and manipulative and I had come up wanting to have a convo about boundaries and basically that I can’t keep going like this. I told her that finally — I can’t keep going up and down like this and that I needed to take space for myself. She got defensive and reactive, telling me ofc she wants to fix it but it’s a disease she can’t snap her fingers and that she has to keep trying or give up. She also blamed me for things and tried to make me feel bad. After setting that and having the convo, the rest of my family went to dinner w her and I chose not to go. My relative told me I need to understand ppl are not black and white and it’s important to show compassion. I feel uncertain how to move forward, she says she’s going to stop this time (I have no reason to believe it’s different), but do you maintain the relationship in the “good time”? She’s my mom and I want to be w that version, but also feel like I need the space because this up one week and down the next is too much. Is it normal to feel like this?

For Christmas sibling sent me a photo of them and their family in the hospital. Once again my dad is in the hospital. I have no idea why my brother sent this picture because he never says happy holidays to me and he never says he loves us which he did both; it must have been his wife. The photo made me feel sick.

My dads health has been deteriorating for years. Hospital visits are the normal. He’s just now became sober because otherwise he wouldn’t be accepted to the program and has less than a year with the temporary machine he has. I don’t know much and don’t ask, because after the 8th heartattack he didn’t change his ways. Only now he’s changed and it’s been for my brother and his grand baby. He couldn’t do it for me and my kids. Now my brother is the hero swooping in and saving him. The savior he’s always been.

I felt terrible seeing the photo. I didn’t feel no merry, holly jolly nothing. I once again feel cast out by my own family, I’ve never been worthy for my dad to choose. He’s never allowed me to be there like he has for my brother. My brother is the only one allowed to pick him up or be there. All my life they have done for my brother in ways they were never able to do for me.

Now I’m a mom and I don’t understand how you pick and choose children. I went NC with my dad because he was simply traumatizing me over and over with no end in sight. Now I’m LC with siblings and they still driving the knife in my heart. I’m so tired of this. I feel like going no contact again with every single one of them. I’m tired of being hurt.

My mom loves that only my brother is allowed, she’s always fostered the triangulation between siblings, she’s always treated me with great frustration where she’s never once spoke bad about my brother. He is the golden child. Even in my fathers last days; the only one standing around is the one he loved so much.

It’s another reminder that they could never love me as I needed. They were family but never felt like family to me. I never felt accepted or cared for.

To make an absolutely long story short, my mother is in an absolute mess of a situation. She has a whole host of problems physically that have been compounding lately to make it necessary sooner rather than later that she transition to assisted living. But her problems with needing to smoke freely, as well as other issues that are more mental stand in the way of her committing to it. At times she is understanding and receptive, and others she thinks she is okay to live at home. No doubt her memories of moving her own mom into assisted living memory care paint a darker picture in her mind.

I'm her only child and live a couple hours away. Her only other direct family is her sister who lives across the country. Her ex-husband died about 15 years ago at this point. So the people on the ground who are helping her at this point are the remaining friends she has left. Which she is fortunate to have, but takes them for granted and their patience is really running thin.

So in short, does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing?

my mom has always been an alcoholic. i’m in college now, and this summer i found out she was taking money out of my bank account. my sister, uncle, and i had an intervention and she admitted to being an alcoholic and addict to multiple drugs. she went to rehab for 30 days, and i started going to therapy. we have began to rebuild a relationship after her addiction had completely destroyed it. she had payed me back regularly in increments. recently, she’s been “low on money” and not paying me back well. she just asked me & my sister if we could help with the phone bill. i paid the phone bill most of highschool & college before she went to rehab. i called her and she admitted to drinking on a few occasions, but said she wasn’t doing any drugs. she probably is lying. i almost feel the same level of betrayal as i did when i found out she took my money. any words of encouragement? i don’t know why i was so hopeful, but for a minute i saw a side of her that i had never seen. i guess i’m just also upset that my future looks like a revolving door of sobriety/relapse for her. i know i could cut her off, and it probably would be better for my mental health but also i want to be there for her.

I’m (24F) and the oldest of four. My parents divorced two years ago, but their marriage was chaotic long before that. From ages 12 to 17, my mom treated me and my sister (22F) like her therapists, venting nonstop about my dad and their marriage, and focusing on bickering with my dad vs. raising us so I had to step in and regulate. During one of their fights, my dad hit her. I was told to call the police, and he never lived with us again. I was 17 at the time of this separation.

Since the divorce, my dad’s tried to stay involved. He’s currently working and recovering from cancer (he had to take a leave of absence from work during treatment, which reduced his child support—he is cancer-free now). He is living with his mom currently though so he doesn’t control his housing environments, therefore I don’t know if my siblings can live there — it’s also far and my siblings are planted where they are in community activities; school. He says he wants to reconnect, but our relationship is strained. Growing up, my mom built an alliance with us against him to feel less alone, leaving us with a biased view of him. Now she says she’s always wanted her children to have a good relationship with him, but there’s no acknowledgment/accountability of the messy dynamic she created. My dad hasn’t apologized for the past, and I don’t think he knows the full extent of what’s happening with my siblings and mom, detailed below.

Meanwhile, my mom has only gotten worse. She was diagnosed with MS about 10 years ago and I don’t know how this affects her (in addition to menopause and unhealed trauma) — has become even more controlling, manipulative, and guilt-trippy toward her children vs a husband. She’s extremely religious and more focused on whether I’m “sinning” (e.g., sleeping in the same room as my boyfriend when I tell her we’re traveling somewhere) than actually taking care of my younger siblings (16M and 12F). She doesn’t work, doesn’t have money, and barely feeds/hydrates them.

My siblings HATE living with her. They dread summers and holiday breaks, because she’s always yelling, forcing staged “happy family” photos to send out, and just projecting her misery onto them. My mom refuses to let me take them out to give them a break when I visit, saying, “I’m their parent; I can take them out.” My sister (22F) who also lives at home but has made it clear she won’t be a second mom to them—and she doesn’t even have the resources to do so. She deserves to live her own life. But my siblings have no other support system. They’re stuck.

We’ve called CPS on my mom several times, but she always cries to the officers, promises she’s “working on it,” and blames my dad’s reduced child support for the lack of household essentials (even though she spends it on unrelated things). She constantly watches YouTube videos promising that God will send her $10K in 10 days because “it was done for others” who documented their experience for the internet. My mom’s mom, my grandmother, often calls me or my sister to guilt us into “working with her” or staying involved to support my mother. I don’t think long term my siblings and I will be in communication with her or will take care of her later in life if she keeps this up.

This all weighs on me heavily. Since moving far away for college in 2018 and never returning, I have worked hard to build a peaceful, successful life for myself. I’m now focused on building a long-term relationship with my boyfriend (we’re newly no longer long-distance after 2.5 years), but my mom keeps trying to guilt-trip me in seemingly every situation about not prioritizing her/family. For example, I texted her happy birthday instead of calling because I was moving that week, and she got mad that I didn’t call to chat. She also got mad at my sister for getting her a cake with her name on it instead of “Mom” because she couldn’t send it out to people for attention.

Honestly, I think she’s bitter and jealous that I am focusing on my happiness and not following her path—marrying young at 22 or clinging to religion or a cheating man. It’s not her fault my dad treated her poorly, but I’ve learned from growing up in a chaotic environment what not to do. I started therapy this year (finally!) and probably need to go back next year to figure out how to continue to regulate/cope.

I’ve been thinking about going no contact, but I feel stuck because of my younger siblings. They don’t deserve this—they didn’t ask to be here. I’m pretty sure my parents had them to “fix” their marriage, but look how that turned out. They need their mom, but she’s focused on keeping up a fake PR image, making sure my sister and I aren’t “sinning” instead of actually parenting her children. Now my therapist tells me to forgive myself for the things I felt like I had to do. Everyone deserves peace for sure, including my mom, but this is a mess and it’s not mine to clean up.

TLDR; My mom (52) is controlling, manipulative, and guilt-trippy, with a history of treating me (24F) and my sister (22F) as her therapists during her chaotic marriage to my dad. After their divorce, she became even worse, neglecting my younger siblings (16M and 12F) while focusing on appearances and hyper-religious judgment. I’ve worked hard to build a peaceful life, but she constantly guilt-trips me for not prioritizing her. My siblings hate living with her, but CPS hasn’t helped, and I feel stuck between going no contact with her but wanting to regulate to be healthy alongside being close with my siblings who are under her weak control?? I want and deserve peace. Any thoughts?

This is a duficult one to post... it's been a long journey. My dad was very emotionally absent as a parent, never validated my emotions. I can't really remember my parents loving each other. Now I'm 29 they separated this year and I feel like all of this baggage is mine now. He's a binge drinker, staggers home Saturday and Sunday saying things like "you know what's wrong with you?".

I'm Irish.... and I've been away 4 years and I'm kind of done with it all. Do I stop seeing my dad?

Follow-up to: https://www.reddit.com/r/AdultChildren/comments/1hcpkvg/shame_and_guilt_are_wrecking_me/

Thanks to anyone who has commented on my posts so far, which does help give some strength in the midst of all this chaos and unhappiness. This post is a follow-up to the thread linked above, for context.

So, following on from this, the last two weeks have seen a continued worsening of my father's situation. A house fire caused by smoking on the bed, drunk driving, incidents with his family, now he is in the hospital, I’m still not sure why but it seems to have been caused by him being in a drunk rage. After his immediate family, he is now affecting his also elderly brothers, and very old mother. He is destroying himself very publicly, I just hope he doesnt hurt anyone else in the process...

It's a good thing. It's a really good thing that I can feel this pain again. It's real progress, and the pain compels me, to make connection, reach out in ways I know how to.

I find myself in this position that I know I'm not alone with. How do you make friends, at 40?

I want friends, to share my interests and hobbies with. Someone who wants to share what they think about video games, queerness, or writing, with me. I'm playing a game right now that's just stunningly beautiful, at the intersection of wonder and grief, and I would love to share the wonder.

I try to tell myself I've been here before. I didn't know how to drop the rope. I didn't know how to keep the focus on myself. I didn't know not to give from an empty cup. I didn't know I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't fix it. I didn't know I was enough.

And every time I stood there without an old paradigm, I felt helpless. "Ok, I know what not to do, but what do I do???"

This, this one, this one still baffles me.

My mother is 62yo. She has been a heavy drinker my whole life. 7-12 glasses every night. She also smokes about 30 cigarettes a day. She also coughs frequently throughout the day. She also sighs all-the-time. The sighing does not stop. Every day I hear the sound of ice being dropped into a glass and then a barrage of coughs followed by some other obnoxious sound or action and then off she goes outside for her 19th cigarette. Stomping around the house, pulling doors open and slamming them shut. She's a fucking psycho.

Fucking disgusting. I am VERY surprised her body hasn't failed yet. Her life consists of drinking and smoking. I find it pathetic.

Hey guys, I’m 23, currently staying with my mother of 66 before I go away to work abroad, it’s just me and her, we don’t really have any other family, my mum is known to drink large volumes of alcohol when she feels that she’s free to, for example Christmas, parties ect, she will drink all day, for example she drank herself silly last night, woke up drunk and carried on drinking and now she’s sitting in the living room legless, I honestly dread Christmas because of this, I’ve never felt so alone in my life.. every-time she does this I get angry, it brings back this inner trauma and I can’t help but lash out at her, she becomes incoherent, I hate it and it honestly makes me want to slit my wrists (very extreme but that’s honestly how I feel right now.) I can’t go out anywhere because I’m bed ridden with the flu, just wondering if anyone has any advice? I’m currently sobbing into my pillow.

Why are you emailing me and texting me, as if you didn't basically tell me to fuck off on Thanksgiving? You hung the phone up on me. You completely rejected my opinion. You didn't ask me how I felt or what I thought. You didn't even give me a chance to talk when you hung up the phone. You told me that the man of my house speaks for me. And that my therapy is a problem for you. And now, you are contacting me as if we are fucking buddies? We aren't friends, Dad. I deserve MUCH more than a fucking forwarded business email and a look-at-me-on-vacation picture. Please do not contact me with ingenuine messages about your life. You have broken my heart over and over and over and it just needs to stop. What I didn't get to say on the phone when you hung up is: I'm protecting myself in ways now that you never had the courage to do when I needed you. Ever. Your comment about me needing to look in the mirror was unbelievable. For the man who brags about his daughter "doing the work", and "being so proud", and "raising independent thinkers", that was a hell of an insult and says much more than a little bit of harmless silence. This is all about you. It always has been. The time I have spent to ACTUALLY look in the mirror and become a better person to MYSELF? That is some actual gaslighting bullshit garbage to say I haven't let you be my father. I'm so very sad to think you actually believe that. What a god damned tragedy. It hurts more than you know to say this. But, unfortunately I've come to realize that for most of my adult life I thought I was an exception to the rule. The rule being - you push everyone away, implode relationships and victimize yourself. And, I can see now (after looking in the mirror so fucking hard) that I am not, and will never be an exception. I'm just a normal human being doing my god damned best, wanting love and belonging and I get to choose what is good for me. Carry on writing your romantic little story about your perfect life on your perfect hill with your perfect family. I have never been part of that story, not for lack of trying, and it feels good to realize that and stop trying for something that I never ever could have. Not as a child, and definitely not now. That is a lifetime of pain that I'm committed to healing and I don't give a shit what you think about my therapy, or how many lifetimes it takes. I'm over here doing the work, and for that, I feel good. As a "father", I would like to think that would make you proud. 

I have never discussed my mother’s alcoholism with her , but this christmas was the final straw. I’ve seen a lot of advice online that seems really contradictory. Some people seem to think it’s best to approach it really gently , but i’ve also seen people say that it needs to be a massive “wake up call” sort of thing. i just have no idea how i want to go about this . Thoughts?

At this point in my healing journey, I have undergone a lot of therapy. i have so much clarity about why I act the way I do and how in certain spaces and around certain people that my p t s d just turns on to protect me.

The emotional hurdle that i'm struggling with most today is my disappointments in motherhood.

After all, that hard work to become a different version of myself, I entered motherhood, with a partner that in retrospect embodied all of the characteristics that I hope to never live with again from my family of origin.

My childhood was chaotic, my abusive parent isolated me and my loving father from anybody that cared about us and had significant rigid rules in the house to permit us from loving each other in healthy ways, because everything revolved around my surrogant. She purposely would start conflict to keep herself center stage. Leading to my wonderful dad accepting she needed me to move out of her house so her nephew could move into my room.

One of the memories that I am reflecting on is my first Mother's Day, recognizing after the birth of my child that my partner didn't love me and they were too resentful to even try. I drove 4 states over with a 3 month old baby all by myself and spent a magnificent weekend with my chosen mother who loved me and my child unconditionally. For the first time after their birth made me feel like I was succeeding at being a parent.

It's somehow upon returning home to various calls from my child's other parent complaining that we were taking too long to get home because I needed to get home to cook them dinner and take care of them. I fell into almost like a fog and would spend the next several years in the survival mode constantly feeling unloved uncared for an insignificant.

That is no longer my reality. i don't share space with anyone who's resentful about who I am, and who i'm not yet the sadness that I wasn't able to create this perfect childhood for my child, it just gnaws at me.

In some ways, I've forgiven my surrogant. She herself didn't have a real mom. She grew up in so much child abuse. She parented me the only way she knew making sure she was the center of attention as to not replicate the abuse of her childhood.

As an adult, I struggle at being the center of attention. i anticipate that my wants and needs aren't important because in my childhood, they weren't important and that was made worse within this last relationship. Because my ex was just like my surrogant, the world had to revolve around them, regardless of what I needed or my child needed all of our resources needed to go to them.

In response to all these traumatic memories, horrible mother's days and birthdays and holidays in which my ex made me feel less than the dirt on the ground. I'm in a different place and yet emotionally I can't move forward.

I have so much sadness and shame about the life that my child is living and how much all my efforts to be the healthier version of me didn't stop me from attracting someone just as unhealthy as my parent.

I just wish all this sadness would transform into acceptance like the weather, I can't change my x. They like my surrogate will never apologize for the harm they cause us or take accountability for the ways they've destroyed our life. I need to embrace in the same way that I learned to embrace with her. People who cause harm don't always see the harm they cause, because they are in pursuit of something that's much more important to them. Their own self preservation.

I know this is all enmeshed with my attachment style.

I could see the ways that I was just reliving my trauma in that relationship, particularly anytime that we were around my surrogant I compulsively drank, just like my old man, because her energy, it would put me in this mental space that I just wanted to numb the pain I was feeling and with distance, I've been able to see that where I wouldn't compulsively drink at home. I found other ways to numb the discomfort of now, as I live through this loveless marriage with someone who took joy in making me sad and destroying the things that mattered to me, because that would give them more power over me. it was my childhood on steroids.

In many ways, this feels like i'm climbing out of the last layer of trauma rendered into my existence through the abuse that my surrogant promulgated within my family of origin.

I have so much shame towards myself that I was so broken that I didn't take people's words and actions for value because the truth is in recovery. I have learned that people that love you just love you. They treat you with kindness, respect and dignity and those that don't. It's because they can't and you can't force someone to be someone who they're not.

how do you find grace to accept that people do things to you but it's not about you they just do things?

It’s about the alcoholics wife, my mother. Who told me that her husband/my father will always come before me in her life. Who made enabling & waiting hand and foot on a dying alcoholic her #1 priority over helping her only child and grandchild. Who helped raised said grandchild for her entire life (complaining every single day about the burden and unfairness to her) because I was a struggling single parent working 6 days a week. Then after raising said child, abandoned her completely in June and hasn’t asked how she is doing not once. She asks about grandma every single day. She begs to call you and see you. She cries because she misses you.

I took her to your house Christmas Eve, because that’s all she truly wanted for Christmas. You were home but you watched us through the window and wouldn’t answer the door. You broke her fucking 4 year old heart. All she wanted for Christmas was to see her grandma again.

She’s too little to understand your sick heartless conditional love. She’s too little to understand grandma stopped loving her (and never did in the first place).

You are dead to me.

for those of you who have lost a parent or don't have a close family at all.. how do you get over the shit you'll never have? how do you get over not having a dance with a parent at a wedding? not having memories with grandparents? not having a home to go to that feels like Christmas magic? not having holiday memories besides being at someone else's house? do people without these things create healthy families? I'm terrified. how do you get over not being loved or supported? how do you see things and not just absolutely feel forgotten about like why did life make me to watch everyone have this idea of family and cousins and people that love them and I get to see it but never ever in this life have it? ugh. how do you get over not being absolutely left behind when you see everyone thriving? how do you not be the Debbie downer when you date someone with a huge family? it all sucks to not have anything to bring to the table. will my kids know love at all when I have them? I'm so worried. I don't know anyone like me.. with no one.

i don’t know if this is the right sub but i don’t even care. just bummed i didn’t hear from my dad this year at all. i really miss who he was before the drugs but merry christmas everyone. i know everything will be okay and this is temporary, i know we’ll have a good year