r/ufyh • u/Mars_Art_Gallery • 3d ago
Accountability/Support My (19) girlfriend (20) comes over tomorrow night
To preface I'll just say I'm sorry for not sharing pictures but I will describe my situation. I am living in my first apartment. I am autistic and depressed and have been deeply afraid of participating in cleaning my own room/apartment ever since I was being taught to clean up after myself as a little kid.
I have a tangled mess of sewing and knitting projects strewn about in my living room and bedroom. I have craft supplies scattered across my bedroom floor. I'm littered with reciepts, candy wrappers, and odd sheets of paper. I have so much laundry to do I decided to just get rid of a large fraction of my wardrobe. My dishes look like a biohazard. I have a mouse, maybe multiple mice.
My girlfriend knows already what it looks like but every time she comes to visit I am in a stressful hurry to make things presentable for her.
I believe in my ability to tidy up on time on account of positive stress but it will take a lot of courage. I am mostly afraid that within a week it will all be dirty and messy again. I just can't seem to form good habits. I hate living in a mess but I have a hard time bringing myself to do something about it when it really matters.
Before writing this I spent about 2.5 hours doing the surface level work. My back and legs started hurting when I started doing my dishes so I decided to sit for a few minutes. I will return after posting but I would appreciate any encouraging sentiments or advice and anything like that. I hope someday I won't have to worry about cleaning this way again because I will have better cleaning habits. Thank you for reading :)
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u/_I_like_big_mutts 3d ago
Do the same thing with your dishes as you did with your clothes. If it’s just you and your GF, have 2 or 3 plates, a couple mugs, and a couple bowls. Limit the number of available items and your kitchen will no longer look like a biohazard zone. Do the same with the other duplicate items, one step at a time.
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u/Mars_Art_Gallery 3d ago
That really helps! Thank you I will take this advice
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u/emtrigg013 3d ago
This is the way, OP!
However, this solution and all of the other great ones people suggested can only get you so far. You need to UF the way your brain sees "cleaning". Right now, waiting until you're stressed and ashamed and disappointed with yourself is ONLY tying those emotions to the concept of "cleaning", making it harder for you to want to do it. So here's what I think you should do.
If you haven't been already, while you're cleaning, put on your very favorite movie that makes you feel good to have around (maybe one you've seen a million times so you don't actively sit and watch the whole thing), or a Playlist of your very favorite songs. Don't clean in silence where you've nothing to listen to but your brain being mean to yourself about your situation. Also, do you like candles? Light your favorite one while you're cleaning! Doing things like this can act as a "reward" so your brain associates happy things with cleaning.
Speaking of rewards, REWARD YOURSELF! Maybe go get you a mickey d's burger or some Wendy's nuggets or whatever your favorite guilty pleasure takeout food is that doesn't need dishes to eat it. You don't want to immediately fill your sink back up right after getting it back into shape, and cleaning is hard work that burns a lot of calories! It's okay to get you some calories for a day's hard work. It's ultimately your choice, but have something in mind that you're working towards to reward yourself.
Now, this helps with the big clean up, but the ultimate goal is that you don't end up back here again stressing and fretting. So can you take, let's say.... 20 minutes every evening or morning to do what I call "on-sight" cleaning? Just 20 minutes or so to take care of things on the floor, or wash your dishes from the previous day up, or just take care of anything that visually bothers you. Just 20 minutes with a timer and some music, that's all you have to do. You can even start with 10 minutes if 20 seems too long. Eventually, with practice, you'll find this becoming a habit. And as soon as you can get the habit down, you'll be golden.
I hope some of these ideas help you. Your girlfriend very clearly loves you, so show a little bit of that love to yourself, too. Best of luck to you in the future. There's no need to feel ashamed for being human 💖
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u/scoutsadie 3d ago
dear friend, it will get messy again.
and you will straighten it up again.
messiness is not a moral failing.
just like thoughts and emotions, the mess comes and goes. it's just a part of life, and being aware of the self-judgmental voice in your head that makes moral judgments based on the cleanliness of your living space is a step in the right direction.
I really hate housekeeping, so I absolutely understand how the stress of a messy living space can build and build and build (just like the mess!). so I'm absolutely coming from a place of empathy. and I have found that awareness of the harsh criticism that my own brain deals out to me (as a protective measure, to be fair) is an important practice in helping me do better. and also remembering that there will be times when I won't do better, and it's not the end of the world.
there is an author named k. c. davis who has written about housekeeping as self-care, and I have found reframing it to be somewhat helpful. but my house still gets wrecked sometimes. and then I unwreck it.
you got this. happy holidays, friend.
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u/Izzapapizza 3d ago
Clear stacking boxes! One per project, dump it back in the box when you’re finished with it. Try to limit the number of craft boxes you’re allowed to have. A dedicated craft table if possible. A spike for receipts (satisfying!) or a clear box (if you have to keep them). If there’s a lot to do and I get overwhelmed, it helps me to call a friend I’d typically chat to for a good long while, go on autopilot with headphones on and by the end of the call I’ve done loads - laundry sorting/folding, packing, collecting rubbish and bagging it, wiping bathrooms/counters, dusting, sweeping etc...
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u/KDBlastIt 3d ago
you got this! I can't give any good advice for keeping things clean, except what others will say--less stuff.
oh, and a day to take the trash out, whether it's full or not. On this day, the trash goes out. Then you don't have to notice and want to when it really needs it.
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u/obfuscata444 3d ago
There's no shame in making things super easy for yourself for the future!
Put a trash can in every room. You can get little step ones that seal to keep the mice out. Get a bunch of little trash bags and put them in the bottom of the cans so that when you take one out, you don't have to go get a new one from another room, you can just switch it out right away and take the full bag out when you feel up to it.
Put a little laundry basket in every room, so that when you take your socks off or spill a drink on your shirt, you can just toss them in the laundry basket instead of the floor.
Put a canister of lysol wipes in every room, so you can easily wipe up messes or wipe off dusty or grimy surfaces when you feel up to it.
There's also no shame in using paper plates, paper cups, and disposable silverware if that's what you need to do to keep your space sanitary.
Invest in a nice little stick vacuum, or a handheld one, and put it somewhere that it's not a hassle to get it out. You can even hang it on a hook on the wall. If that's not in your budget, a small broom and dust pan in each room will go a long way.
You can get a lot of this stuff at dollar tree for super cheap, by the way! Best of luck to you!
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u/ugotmefdup 3d ago
Making things easy is key!
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u/North_Apple_6014 3d ago
I have trash cans in EVERY room. If truly needed, I will put two in a room! (Say, for the living room where the “regular” trash cans is by the door but also really need one near where my daughter lounges on the couch because she just isn’t great at getting up to throw things out ❤️). I also have paper towels and spray cleaner in every room (so I never have to deal with running to the kitchen to clean up a small spill in the living room) which generally I keep right by the trash can.
I’ve gotten a TON of mileage out of the above + getting rid of stuff + being very VERY realistic about what I am likely to do and building my life around that without judgment. Would “ideal me” get up and walk into the kitchen to throw something out? Sure! But REAL ME, CURRENT ME, is not usually going to do that and CURRENT ME benefits hugely from having a trash can RIGHT HERE in the living room. And that’s ok!
And, actually, over many many years I have actually gotten pretty good at picking up after myself in the moment, keeping things neater generally, taking the trash out on time every time, etc. But that was a very very long time of gradual habit change and in the meantime limiting how many cups you have and how many clothes you really truly need goes a long way towards keeping things from being overwhelming at any given point in time. 💖
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u/obfuscata444 3d ago
Love that! Being realistic and not judging yourself is definitely the secret sauce. I think a lot of us have preconceived ideas about what a household has to look like and how it must function, when really, it's up to us! Because we're adults and our homes are for us.
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u/Mars_Art_Gallery 3d ago
Update: thank you all for the kind and helpful comments! I got much more helpful advice than I expected to get when I first posted tbh. A lot of them will be taken into consideration :)
I've cleaned for what seems to be almost 3 hours today so far. It's looking much nicer than yesterday! I think I'm past halfway done. I have about 7 more hours until my girlfriend arrives, but I'm challenging myself to see if I can finish everything besides laundry in just another 2 hours.
Someone mentioned treating myself when I'm done- I will be! I have a chocolate satin pie in the fridge waiting for when my gf comes over. I can't wait!
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u/ugotmefdup 3d ago
Whew, you sound just like me a few years ago. I was depressed, my house looked like a hamster cage and it seemed like no matter what I did I couldn't get it to stay clean, it smelled and felt dirty all the time.
So I started a system. I recommend doing this in one fell swoop - it may be hard during the weekend you sacrifice to do it in, but it makes it so much easier in the long run. First I deep cleaned the house, and figured out what I wanted my "baseline clean" to look like. Basically, what I wanted to be able to tidy each room to in a reasonable (read: 15/20 minutes) amount of time. That meant finding baskets for loose odds and ends, clearing out ANY clutter I didn't want to look at anymore, and I was brutal. If I hadn't touched it in 6 months or if it didn't have any significant emotional value - I donated/gifted/tossed it.
Next I let my dishes pile up for a couple of days and I *timed* myself to figure out how long it would take. For a few days worth of dishes to wash and load the dishwasher, it takes me about a half hour. I know it may seem silly, but knowing that I can have a clean kitchen in 30 minutes or less means that it is much more likely for me to actually do it. I also have anti-fatigue mats in my kitchen (as someone else kindly commented here as well.)
Clothes continue to be a big chore in my house as I own many and I love them. But again, figuring out how I was going to do laundry also helped a ton. And that's going to look different for a lot of people. For me, I wash ALL the clothes once a week, fold and put away what goes in the drawers and hang what needs to be hung. Outside of washing, I know that laundry takes me about an hour.
I also have labeled one day a week as "chore day" Typically I do mine on Thursday nights because I like to have the house clean over the weekend when my partner is there and we will be home. I get home from work, put a podcast in my headphones and start in the kitchen (always easiest to have a clean "home base"). Then I work around from there, spending around 20 - 30 minutes in each room tidying before I end on folding and putting away laundry right before bed.
All this to say: Cleaning is a very learnable skill, even as an adult you can teach yourself new and better ways to keep your space tidy. And tidying isn't just for making your space presentable - it's also a big part of your mental health and taking care of yourself. Truly. I suggest you take some time to figure out how you can make a tidying schedule that will make life a little easier for you! Hope this helps!
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u/ashtag916 3d ago
Separate trash and throw away everything that is broken/trash. Put everything else in a pile. Dress your room the way you want to to look like and put the rest in boxes and shove in your closet. Deal with that later. LOL I have to do the same thing today but my bfs MOM is coming 🤣
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u/terpsichore17 3d ago
I’m proud of you for asking for help and for getting started! Starting can often be the hardest part.
I’ve been using the Tody app, and it’s been useful as a reminder to work on things before they get out of control. You can choose which tasks are there, whether you do them daily, weekly, or every 4 months. If the task comes up on a Thursday but you need to wait until the weekend to have time to do it, you can hit the pause button for a few days. It might be a good way to take off the mental load in building that habit.
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u/Background_Bed_7588 1d ago
Dishes-easiest and best way to keep huge mess with dishes is to only have minimal dishware. A few plates, 4 mugs, handful of silverware....so you don't have enough to let it build up, have to wash it to use it.... I used to have wayy to many dishes and had the his problem.
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u/Eneia2008 1d ago
The Flylady solved my biggest issues with her advice. Look her website up on the Google
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u/SoundsGudToMe 3d ago
Sit is the enemy. Anti fatigue mats are friend