I have whined quite often about the concept of community. About how I never found it. About how I am not sure it exists. But every so often I have a breakthrough that then gets buried again.

I am afraid. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of people. Most the interactions I have with my family, the people who insist they love me is of disrespect, hostility and anger. For hours and hours every day they will spout anger at what they see in the news, grudges from twenty years ago, all the petty grievances that every single person seems to have done to them through their lives, things I did, my sibling did, treating me like a child and CONSTANTLY wanting interaction with them. Staying silent is not an option. I moved away as far as I could and they keep wanting to buy property close to me so I can help “take care of them” (read: be abused further). And they have the money.

And I am afraid of THIS. They insist that everyone is like this or worse. And while my reason tells me this is not true my emotional side keeps saying it’s not. And therapy has not been able to dislodge this. Maybe this is why it devolves into just listening to me vent. My life is nothing because I don’t want to go through this again. Every friend I ever had are people who came to me, and even so I kept them at arms length to avoid getting hurt until they manage to break through with great effort.

I keep whining about not wanting to farm because I’m afraid of going through this. Honestly the backbreaking labor isn’t what’s scares me. It’s PEOPLE. What if they insist I am religious? Sure I could go to church, I did it as a kid without believing in any of it. But what if they demand I run something? What if they find out?

I am afraid of responsibility. I am afraid of having to defend others. No one defended me, why do all of a sudden I have to defend others? Someone once called me out by saying “being a child is having people take care of you. Being an adult means you taking care of others. Nothing more, nothing less”. But I feel like I haven’t been taken care of enough. I don’t know what to do.

I’m afraid of failing others. I’m afraid of doing the wrong thing. I’m afraid of making friends and lovers and seeing them be hurt or dying in front of me. Because of what I did or not.

I am afraid. I am so afraid.