Hi mom, should I let dad meet my boyfriend?

[u/happychappyrose]

Hi mom, how are you doing? I don't miss you because you've failed time and again to be there for me when I needed you. But I want you to know how much I hate dad. Dad arrived and said you're fat and basically sounds like he's not attracted to you anymore. Dad said he doesn't want to divorce you because he made a contract to stay married to you even though he never took you out for your birthday or brought your flowers or got you a card or just made any effort in your life. Dad thinks that occasionally saying that it's good that you're outgoing and that you organise everything and that you look after him but also hates that you're always on your phone even though ironically he never initiates conversation so what's the point in hanging out with him...

I took dad to Camden town for lunch and to find him a scarf and gloves that he needed and he didn't want to try anything or eat anything. I haggled down the scarf and he complained that it's too big and still expensive even though it was £15. He didn't eat anything because he's not interested and he "confided" in me that he gets no excitement from visiting places and eating food. So basically I take that as there's no excitement in spending time with me.

I have a boyfriend now! We've been together for 6 months and I love him but I struggle to connect with him through basic conversations because I don't know how to ask good questions or have normal conversations. I feel like I'm wasting his time and he should date someone more interesting. I planned for dad to meet my boyfriend but I think I've scared my boyfriend into meeting him because he pulled out but really it was because I told him how dad didn't have one good thing to say the moment he landed in my country. So mom? Should I even bother to let dad meet my boyfriend? Most likely scenario, it will be awkward and dad will make my boyfriend uncomfortable by saying that going to nice food places is a waste of money and making my boyfriend depressed by talking about how he was raised in poverty and he thinks rich white people are bad and how he's white but can't relate to white people because he's actually brown inside and poor. God mom... I just want someone to tell him to shut the fuck up and stop being ignorant and just to tell him what a joke he absolutely is and that he's 100% white as fuck and the audacity to say such ridiculous shit in public. My boyfriend is everything he is not, he's loving, he's thoughtful, he's fun, he's outgoing, he's human. Can someone please explain to dad how lucky he is to be able to even say dumb racist shit in public and not have anyone lash out at him. Fucking fuckhead.

Mom, I'm so epicaricacious that none of my sisters care to talk to him at all. He deserves it. What a fucking asshole sperm donor. I'm the only daughter left who tries but mom... I'm so tired. Dad will ruin my relationship with his pessimism and "deep conversations" that he thinks means he's smart and wise. Dad is an idiot and I don't want my boyfriend to feel stressed out trying to interact with dad and be pleasant when he literally depresses people with his "I'm a victim and I have abandonment issues because of my shitty neglectful childhood". And yet he's too self obsessed to notice that he's gone and recreated the cycle and now has 0 relationship with his children and wife.

Mom, how do I tell my boyfriend I don't want him to meet my sperm donor because why would I? Should I do it out of principle even though I don't even want to be there for it? Mom, what the fuck would you do?

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[u/AliceTheGamedev]

Hey honey, I'm so sorry to hear that neither your mom nor your dad can be here for you in the way you deserve <3

I have a boyfriend now! We've been together for 6 months and I love him but I struggle to connect with him through basic conversations because I don't know how to ask good questions or have normal conversations. I feel like I'm wasting his time and he should date someone more interesting.

Dear, it's no fault of yours that you struggle with these things. Who would you have learned it from, considering what you've told us about your mom and dad? Developing a healthy self-esteem is a long and sometimes difficult process, but a supportive partner – with whom you can maybe share some of what you've been through and what you struggle with – can actually help you feel good about yourself. And if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve you, not the other way around.

Mom, how do I tell my boyfriend I don't want him to meet my sperm donor because why would I?

I think that by telling your boyfriend about some of these thoughts, why you struggle with your dad and why you're struggling with this decision, the two of you can make this decision together. Your bf might not know how to handle this situation either, but neither of you has to make a decision alone, you can talk about this and do what's right for both of you.

I'm the only daughter left who tries but mom... I'm so tired

It's wonderful that you keep trying. You're not ready to give up on your dad, and that's admirable. But remember the thing they tell you on planes: you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others put on theirs. It will not help anyone if you break yourself in the effort of keeping an active relationship with your dad. Focus on yourself and the relationships that make you happy first of all, and then you can make a more aware, more informed decision as to whether or not you have the energy and capacity to spend time with your dad.

[u/happychappyrose → u/AliceTheGamedev]

Thank you... I really needed to hear just this. Apologies too, I don't know why I was so angry when I wrote this but you're right. I need to talk to my boyfriend so he understands the situation and he can decide with me.

If you were my mom growing up, I'd probably be self sufficient today. Best wishes xx

[u/AliceTheGamedev → u/happychappyrose]

Apologies too, I don't know why I was so angry when I wrote this but you're right. I need to talk to my boyfriend so he understands the situation and he can decide with me.

There's no need to apologize, it sounds like you have a lot of reasons to be angry. Something I've been practicing recently is to not feel guilty for my emotions, but to feel them consciously, and then decide what to do about them. Perhaps that thought can help you too.

If you were my mom growing up, I'd probably be self sufficient today. Best wishes xx

I'm sure you'll find your own way in time. It sucks massively that you can't count on your parents to get you there, but you can do it <3

[u/Trishlovesdolphins]

You don't say how old you are. Assuming you're an adult and have no legal requirements. Let him go. There's nothing wrong with loving someone and knowing they are not good for you. Tell the boyfriend why you don't want them to meet. Don't be ashamed, if he's a good boyfriend he'll see the strength in your decision.

You may not be able to choose your parents, but after you become an adult, you get the choice of whether or not you have to continue to deal with them, and whatever choice you make is fine. It's ok to look out for yourself, especially when it seems you've been doing it a long time.

[u/Teri102563]

"Dad is an idiot and I don't want my boyfriend to feel stressed out trying to interact with dad" You answered your own question. Don't introduce them, nothing good will come of it and you will always regret it.

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