r/family • u/NoConfidence771 • 18h ago
What is worst? Finding out your dad cheated on your mom after the divorce or before?
For context, my dad and mom had been fighting for years and last year october,, my mom officially initiated and got a divorce and my dad was quite depressed about it for a couple of months. He wasnt with my sisters and I for last year new years because he said he went for some christian mindful retreat and we encouraged him heavily because we thought he was truly sad. Recently, we found out that he was actually in Japan with the girlfriend during that time he was away. He turned off his phone and didnt even call us during that time cuz he said that he was fucking praying and shit.
Anyways I, as an idiot, also encouraged him to start hanging out more with people so he wont be so lonely and he starts making my sisters and I spend time with his friends and there was a lady in the friend group which i thought at that time that he "liked". Talked to him about it and he says he wants to start dating but feels guilty and blah blah blah. I tell him dont have to date and just hang out as friends. Moving forward 6 months later, and he's getting married to her next week :D. He asked us if we approve and we said no and i told him to wait for my sister to graduate high school cuz the relationship is moving too fast and im not comfortable but the asshole said "oh i dont care about what you think. I just wanted to be respectful." This was 3 months into his relationship. Then the next 3 months he keeps asking me if i changed my opinion and my opinion was still the same and he was angry about it. He's still angry eventhough im attending and helping out with the decorations lol.
ANYWAYS NOT THE POINT sorry im getting off track here. So Christmas eve dinner, the girlfriend slips up and says that they celebrated their 1 year anniversary in september. I didnt say anything cuz I didnt want to ruin the night but what the fuck yk..i spent years hating my mom for the shit she did and always thought my dad was the so called victim but honestly he was a shit dad and even shitter person with 0 values.
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u/JM_Perspective872 17h ago
It's really hard to find out a parent you hold in the highest esteem is actually a fraud and liar. It makes me wonder how many other lies he's told throughout your life. Time and distance away from him may help him get clarity, and if you decide not to help or attend the wedding, I wouldn't blame you. They are both guilty of deception. Trust and honor are gone. Plus, he didn't make his first marriage work and won't make this one work long term either. People who function at this level of morality just continue to make more of it. Your mom will appreciate that you have more empathy for her years of an unhappy marriage.
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u/NoConfidence771 16h ago
Thank you for this. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened and i cant even back out of the wedding cuz i think my sisters and i are in too deep with the planning lol. I do somewhat understand her but she was very horrible to my sisters and i so it's been hard trying to forgive her
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u/JM_Perspective872 15h ago
You and your sister sound like good people who don't deserve what's happened, and yet you are willing to go forward. They are lucky to have you. I think you might feel better if you at least tell your dad it hurt to find out he lied and you expect he will avoid lying in the future. Just be careful not to get drawn into their future conflicts and taking sides.
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u/TapSoft7074 17h ago
Ok several points
Of course there are no valid reasons for infidelity, but.... If your mother really treated your father badly as you said, then we are not going to applaud your mother either, just as infidelity has no justification, neither does abuse, so if it was really true about the abuse there are no good guys here, there are no victims here, both are acting out of interest.
Another point, (assuming there had not been any infidelity) your father is right about that and that is that, the one who decides when to remarry is him, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy it is to do so.... Yes, it is his decision.
Countering the previous point yes, it is somewhat unhealthy to marry so soon, which tells me that indeed your father has been looking to marry this other woman for years.
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u/NoConfidence771 16h ago
The thing is, he acted innocent and made me believe that he was this depressed guy who got his heart broken and leaves to find "inner peace" after christmas but in reality, spent his days in japan....he just lied and lied and then doesnt want my opinion eventhough he asked for it? It is his decision, yes, then why ask at all yk?
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u/TapSoft7074 16h ago
Well, I guess he just wanted to know that his daughters would support his decision, I'm just putting on the table the possible points of view in each situation, not that I support any particular one.
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u/Conscious_Owl6162 18h ago
Yikes! Sorry for what you are going through!