Too picky at dating?

[u/Intelligent_Sweet810]

So I’ve (33f) been out of a relationship for a little over 5 months. But it honestly feels longer to me not sure because I had a feeling we were heading that way or I checked out before breaking it off. Anyways my ex was great in many ways and taught me a lot about relationships in general. He was my first serious relationship and meant a lot to me. We did go no contact and didn’t end on a good note, breakups never do. Since then I did go back on the dating apps and I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations or what but would love your thoughts.

Not to compare - but I keep going back to when I first started talking to my ex on the app. He was kind, funny, little flirty without being creepy and we hit it off so well I couldn’t wait to meet him in person. I used to have the rule that when I first match with someone we have some conversation and based on it I wait about 7-10 days before committing to meeting up. Nowadays without a conversation I get the cheesy oh you are pretty let’s exchange numbers and go on a date…. Like excuse me is romance and dating that dead that there is no interest at all. I am a grown ass woman with a fulfilling life, I’d like a man to take that into consideration that someone I have barely talk to for 30 mins is going to be someone I drop my plans and commitments for to go on a date. I don’t expect them to drop everything and go out when I say so either… I find so many men holding on to this idea of spontaneity, which is great but I find it a little disrespectful to expect me to go on a date the day of rather than picking a date an time that works for both of us.

Not sure if it’s an age thing - but I enjoy a flirty message or innuendo as much as the next person but getting so personal so soon is not sitting right with me. What ever happened being just a little friendly and seeing if we have things in common. Ask questions, take some time to see if you want to even tolerate me for a couple of hours and don’t be creepy.

I understand we are all going through stuff and are imperfect…. I just feel like I am starting to value myself and my time more to not just become a serial dater. I want to meet someone to share my life and time with without any rules and regulations. But am I wrong to not want to go out right away with someone? I do try my best to be honest when they do ask and hope to not come off as uptight egotistic person, but again how would a stranger know that…. Looking for any suggestions and tips on how to date these days? Yes I want to go out and date so I can meet people because I do believe in the face to face meeting.

Forget the ideal situation or person… but my general rule for dating is: 1. Get the small talk out of the way… ask some basic questions about work, life, family, PETS (Gosh just ask me about my pets since they are in my profile) 2. Consistent conversation for 7-10 days… or less depending on how and what we are talking about…. I don’t need a pen pal but if there is some interest or connection I don’t think this will be a problem 3. Don’t ask to move off the app until we are closer to actually meeting in person… using I don’t get notifications here is a terrible excuse…. Manage them somehow or I can happily wait till you respond. I don’t need a reply right away 4. Talking over the phone before we meet would be nice… Not to be critical but the way their voice sounds can either make it or break it for me. 5. Make a plan for a date… Let’s set a date date and check in to make sure we are still on for it at least a day before 6. Don’t try to sexualize me or talk dirty atleast unless we have met in person. After a day or so I get the ick and it is so not a turn on

TLDR: need general dating advice for someone who has a fulfilling life but wants to share it with someone. Dating in the 30s is tricky enough how can I level set expectations without offending or coming off strong. Are my rules are regulations wrong for online dating. What are somethings that worked for you?

[u/Jerophel]

Is not wrong. Maybe the implementation can be more flexible if possible. You can have a sudden date and be treated with respect. I dont know who is your type of guy. Stereotypes dont represent truth but often are there because they were true at some point. If I were a girl, or were about to advise my sister. I would say, Dont pursue men who chose the easy way, whatever that may be. Stoicism works. It doesn't have to be a degree. But men who put effort into something is the best measure of character. Dont date party animals unless you are that yourself. Do people who believe in moderation and discipline. Knowing about the kind of friends a person have will tell you a lot about the person. A man who grew with both parents together is better than a man raised by a single mom. The later had to figure out how to be a man and may still be figuring it out. This is not always true ofc. Ask how many serious relationships the person had. Be reasonable according to that person age. A person with man hookups, too much sax, etc. Has low level with things related to a relationship. Which there is challenges. A person to accustomed to the fun, will somehow believe its always supposed to be fun, the moment is not they may leave to rinse and repeat.

Many people are just for the fun. Do not hesitate to establish from the beginning that your are looking for something serious and not a hookup. Now, we men have experienced bad dates. We have been used for free lunch and stuff. Many men would adopt the attitude of what I can get first before I decide if I want to invest more or not. Its kinda like if the girl also want sex she probably is not into BS romancing. Probably some booze some 420 or whatever she is into it (or not), having a good time and that's it. Also because many women and dating culture has become like this people dont remember what means to go serious from the beginning. People just hook up and if for some reason on the way feelings are there then that area is explored.

My suggestion, do not dismiss right away a man using hookup tactics. That would not tell you if it is a good man or not. Find about his dreams, accomplishments, who his friends are. His manners. His manners to people that may be in a position of service. Situations that that demand true kindness.
Talk about expectations as early as possible. Dont be afraid to be assertive about what you want. But do not set the bar high on what a man have to spend on you at the beginning.

Understand that we are visual animals, if the person met you in an App is actually fine to want to know how you look at your normal day. OFC special pics will be asked you can decline those. But do not try to withhold how you really look, trying to make a man fall for your personality. In the era of no internet looks was the way, then the personality. (Yes is important to workout) Is better to get rejected at first than to drag things and time or worse, get into your pants, because at the en of the day a vag is vag, then leave you. (Sadly many do that)

Point 5. Always assume the date is going. Do not use hesitant wording like confirming the date etc. Use that time to flirt in a toned down way. "Hmm what should I wear for you tonight, what a girl to do"
Point 4. Those who knows how to date actually avoid this. Even dating gurus advise against phone calls. Sometimes it works when the vibe and chemistry is high. The problem is that then its establish the relationship that way, like the basket of doing well over the phone but then awkward in person. Thats is shooting ourselves in the foot. Please, reconsider that. (Its almost like a psychological phenomena)
Phone is used to establish the date and leave guessing with a flirty voice. Everything else, texting.
And that leads us to when is the date.

Your time frame is not bad (7-10days) but he and you have all the right to talk to other people at the beginning. So he might use that time for a date with someone else. There is only so much people can talk over text without over doing it. Maybe being a little more flexible here depending the situation can help.
However, a guy with game that met you on Fri, If the date can not be got for the Sat. He would text you on Thursday or wed. Just to not be boring and do not be over pursuing.