r/dating_advice • u/Intelligent_Sweet810 • 15h ago
Too picky at dating?
So I’ve (33f) been out of a relationship for a little over 5 months. But it honestly feels longer to me not sure because I had a feeling we were heading that way or I checked out before breaking it off. Anyways my ex was great in many ways and taught me a lot about relationships in general. He was my first serious relationship and meant a lot to me. We did go no contact and didn’t end on a good note, breakups never do. Since then I did go back on the dating apps and I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations or what but would love your thoughts.
Not to compare - but I keep going back to when I first started talking to my ex on the app. He was kind, funny, little flirty without being creepy and we hit it off so well I couldn’t wait to meet him in person. I used to have the rule that when I first match with someone we have some conversation and based on it I wait about 7-10 days before committing to meeting up. Nowadays without a conversation I get the cheesy oh you are pretty let’s exchange numbers and go on a date…. Like excuse me is romance and dating that dead that there is no interest at all. I am a grown ass woman with a fulfilling life, I’d like a man to take that into consideration that someone I have barely talk to for 30 mins is going to be someone I drop my plans and commitments for to go on a date. I don’t expect them to drop everything and go out when I say so either… I find so many men holding on to this idea of spontaneity, which is great but I find it a little disrespectful to expect me to go on a date the day of rather than picking a date an time that works for both of us.
Not sure if it’s an age thing - but I enjoy a flirty message or innuendo as much as the next person but getting so personal so soon is not sitting right with me. What ever happened being just a little friendly and seeing if we have things in common. Ask questions, take some time to see if you want to even tolerate me for a couple of hours and don’t be creepy.
I understand we are all going through stuff and are imperfect…. I just feel like I am starting to value myself and my time more to not just become a serial dater. I want to meet someone to share my life and time with without any rules and regulations. But am I wrong to not want to go out right away with someone? I do try my best to be honest when they do ask and hope to not come off as uptight egotistic person, but again how would a stranger know that…. Looking for any suggestions and tips on how to date these days? Yes I want to go out and date so I can meet people because I do believe in the face to face meeting.
Forget the ideal situation or person… but my general rule for dating is: 1. Get the small talk out of the way… ask some basic questions about work, life, family, PETS (Gosh just ask me about my pets since they are in my profile) 2. Consistent conversation for 7-10 days… or less depending on how and what we are talking about…. I don’t need a pen pal but if there is some interest or connection I don’t think this will be a problem 3. Don’t ask to move off the app until we are closer to actually meeting in person… using I don’t get notifications here is a terrible excuse…. Manage them somehow or I can happily wait till you respond. I don’t need a reply right away 4. Talking over the phone before we meet would be nice… Not to be critical but the way their voice sounds can either make it or break it for me. 5. Make a plan for a date… Let’s set a date date and check in to make sure we are still on for it at least a day before 6. Don’t try to sexualize me or talk dirty atleast unless we have met in person. After a day or so I get the ick and it is so not a turn on
TLDR: need general dating advice for someone who has a fulfilling life but wants to share it with someone. Dating in the 30s is tricky enough how can I level set expectations without offending or coming off strong. Are my rules are regulations wrong for online dating. What are somethings that worked for you?
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u/LostSoul3989 15h ago
29 M, 7-10 days convo before date is a little longer for me, you also have to consider the perspective from a men. Majority of the men in dating apps get ghosted after couple of days, coz we have to consider that because women have a lot of matches they are not talking with just one person, So it's the idea of when you have somewhat of chemistry going on ask for a date which I agree on your part to ask the best time that works, and the venue if both parties are ok with it but for my experience there has been a lot of time where I have had great convo, and suddenly you are ghosted or unmatched, and you feel like shit wondering what you did wrong or didn't do right. And if you are taking too long to ask for a date, there might be somebody else willing to take her on a date, so it's like everybody guys are trying to change their approach based on what work best for them.
For me it's usually, I just have small conversation, try to find common things we like and usually after 2nd day conversation, I propose a date with time and venue that works for both of us, but just to have 7 - 10 days conversation not knowing if you could be ghosted or unmatched anytime would be a lot of emotional toll on me. So, I would advise go on a date sooner, that reassures the guy you r serious too and can keep on having the convo.
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u/lovealert911 14h ago edited 13h ago
"I just feel like I am starting to value myself and my time more to not just become a serial dater."
If you needed a job, you'd send out your resume to multiple companies and do multiple interviews.
No one would call that being a "serial job hunter". Both the company and candidate conduct screening.
Like it or not an investment of your time is required to determine if people meet your relationship criteria.
Generally speaking, your rules fall within the norm when two people naturally click with one another.
It is always about finding mutual attraction, chemistry, similar humor, compatibility, and shared values.
(Whenever two people believe they have something "special" they will naturally pursue exclusivity.)
"Get the small talk out of the way… "
It comes across as someone who doesn't genuinely enjoy meeting and getting to know new people.
Dating is supposed to be a fun social activity singles engage in while getting to know one another.
Odds are if two people aren't having fun and enjoying each other's company there isn't any chemistry.
There are those out there who actually HATE dating and want to jump into an exclusive relationship as quickly as possible and then work their way backwards to determine if they are compatible or not.
"Consistent conversation for 7-10 days… "
Keep in mind you are probably not the only person they are engaging with in addition to having other things going on in their life. In addition, people want to avoid coming across as clingy early on.
"...Let’s set a date and check in to make sure we are still on for it at least a day before..."
If I had a job interview scheduled for Monday, I wouldn't call the company on Friday to see if we were still on, nor would I expect the company to call me. This sounds like a person with some past baggage.
(The only call I'd expect is if someone was running late or they needed to cancel.)
"Don’t try to sexualize me or talk dirty at least unless we have met in person."
Most people engage in some playful flirtatious banter and possible sexual innuendo depending on how well they click during their conversations. It's often how people determine if the attraction is mutual.
Naturally, it's a big difference between exchanging playful/naughty flirty banter versus being pornographic and asking for nude photos or someone sending you unsolicited d*ck pictures.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot." -Unknown
"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is." - Henry Cloud
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u/Jerophel 14h ago
Is not wrong. Maybe the implementation can be more flexible if possible. You can have a sudden date and be treated with respect. I dont know who is your type of guy. Stereotypes dont represent truth but often are there because they were true at some point. If I were a girl, or were about to advise my sister. I would say, Dont pursue men who chose the easy way, whatever that may be. Stoicism works. It doesn't have to be a degree. But men who put effort into something is the best measure of character. Dont date party animals unless you are that yourself. Do people who believe in moderation and discipline. Knowing about the kind of friends a person have will tell you a lot about the person. A man who grew with both parents together is better than a man raised by a single mom. The later had to figure out how to be a man and may still be figuring it out. This is not always true ofc. Ask how many serious relationships the person had. Be reasonable according to that person age. A person with man hookups, too much sax, etc. Has low level with things related to a relationship. Which there is challenges. A person to accustomed to the fun, will somehow believe its always supposed to be fun, the moment is not they may leave to rinse and repeat.
Many people are just for the fun. Do not hesitate to establish from the beginning that your are looking for something serious and not a hookup. Now, we men have experienced bad dates. We have been used for free lunch and stuff. Many men would adopt the attitude of what I can get first before I decide if I want to invest more or not. Its kinda like if the girl also want sex she probably is not into BS romancing. Probably some booze some 420 or whatever she is into it (or not), having a good time and that's it. Also because many women and dating culture has become like this people dont remember what means to go serious from the beginning. People just hook up and if for some reason on the way feelings are there then that area is explored.
My suggestion, do not dismiss right away a man using hookup tactics. That would not tell you if it is a good man or not. Find about his dreams, accomplishments, who his friends are. His manners. His manners to people that may be in a position of service. Situations that that demand true kindness.
Talk about expectations as early as possible. Dont be afraid to be assertive about what you want. But do not set the bar high on what a man have to spend on you at the beginning.
Understand that we are visual animals, if the person met you in an App is actually fine to want to know how you look at your normal day. OFC special pics will be asked you can decline those. But do not try to withhold how you really look, trying to make a man fall for your personality. In the era of no internet looks was the way, then the personality. (Yes is important to workout) Is better to get rejected at first than to drag things and time or worse, get into your pants, because at the en of the day a vag is vag, then leave you. (Sadly many do that)
Point 5. Always assume the date is going. Do not use hesitant wording like confirming the date etc. Use that time to flirt in a toned down way. "Hmm what should I wear for you tonight, what a girl to do"
Point 4. Those who knows how to date actually avoid this. Even dating gurus advise against phone calls. Sometimes it works when the vibe and chemistry is high. The problem is that then its establish the relationship that way, like the basket of doing well over the phone but then awkward in person. Thats is shooting ourselves in the foot. Please, reconsider that. (Its almost like a psychological phenomena)
Phone is used to establish the date and leave guessing with a flirty voice. Everything else, texting.
And that leads us to when is the date.
Your time frame is not bad (7-10days) but he and you have all the right to talk to other people at the beginning. So he might use that time for a date with someone else. There is only so much people can talk over text without over doing it. Maybe being a little more flexible here depending the situation can help.
However, a guy with game that met you on Fri, If the date can not be got for the Sat. He would text you on Thursday or wed. Just to not be boring and do not be over pursuing.
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