Love bombing and rejection

[u/lat57]

Vent/rant/ idk: why is that we never recognize love bombing until after things end? Went on 4 dates in 15 days with a guy (6 days he was out of town). After the first date he asked why we didn’t get photos and that was the reason we needed a second date before he left. I thought it was a little corny but wholesome and that it meant he wanted a keepsake for the future. After the second date, while he was out of town, he was calling me “babe” or “baby”. I was put off at first, didn’t reciprocate the pet names, and he stopped before he came back. Had date three, more photos together, talked about how he showed his friends our photos and talked about us to them, etc. texting non-stop since day one of getting my number. He joked about getting matching Christmas pajamas and mentioned needing to make plans for new years. Fourth date came along, we wound up at his place after a bar (went to the bar because he said the night was still young after the light show and dinner). He assured me before he wouldn’t show me his room but then made a comment about which streets to take when I leave in the morning. I said I wasn’t spending the night. Get inside, it’s 45 degrees because this man didn’t have gas turned on in his house yet. Wound up in his room because that’s of course where he had a fireplace and I’ve had wine for the first time in 10 years just flowing off the dopamine while feeling safe with him. We make out there and of course he tries to take things further. I push his hand away twice. After the second time, I said I don’t have sex with people I’m not in a relationship with. Also mentionable, this was my first date night kissing him with more than a peck. He stopped eye contact, got up, turned all the lights on, and showed me out… even standing at the end of the driveway waving which way to turn. Communication the next two days is one worded or him reacting to a text. I finally call out the lack of communication since that night and apologize for unintentionally leading him on (people pleasing tendency of mine is to apologize even when I don’t think I was completely in the wrong). He says he had enjoyed our time, didn’t have any negative feelings about how our night ended, he respected my boundaries, but wasn’t feeling the connection. He refused to answer if he felt something was off before or after he tried getting in my pants. Also, why the hell should he get praise for respecting my boundary because otherwise it would have been SA?

One might think, 4 dates isn’t too too soon to get physical but we had never talked about anything sexual prior, sexual health, exclusivity, etc. I’m not a prude but made it clear from the start I’m dating with the intention of a future husband. At the end of the day, me and this guy really only knew each other 2 weeks.

I know him rejecting me after I held a boundary says more about him than me. If he was truly wanting a relationship he would have continued to invest in getting to know me. It’s been a few days now and I’m still feeling down about it hoping he would reach out again. The dates were amazing; our shared interests, music, non-sexual physical touch, talking about our families, laughing, singing in the car, planning our next dates, etc. I just want things to go back to how they were before but he doesn’t want me and now I can’t help but think sex was all he was after.

[u/Yes_I-Read-It]

Sorry that happened to you, but you’re right that his rejection after you holding a boundary is a huge red flag. I think you may have dodged a major bullet. The early on “babe” and “baby” stuff turns me off too, I hate it when men try to make you feel like you’re farther along in the “relationship” than you really are by dropping those stupid crumbs. You deserve better. I’m not super religious but I like the saying, “A man’s rejection is God’s protection.” Next!