Love bombing and rejection

[u/lat57]

Vent/rant/ idk: why is that we never recognize love bombing until after things end? Went on 4 dates in 15 days with a guy (6 days he was out of town). After the first date he asked why we didn’t get photos and that was the reason we needed a second date before he left. I thought it was a little corny but wholesome and that it meant he wanted a keepsake for the future. After the second date, while he was out of town, he was calling me “babe” or “baby”. I was put off at first, didn’t reciprocate the pet names, and he stopped before he came back. Had date three, more photos together, talked about how he showed his friends our photos and talked about us to them, etc. texting non-stop since day one of getting my number. He joked about getting matching Christmas pajamas and mentioned needing to make plans for new years. Fourth date came along, we wound up at his place after a bar (went to the bar because he said the night was still young after the light show and dinner). He assured me before he wouldn’t show me his room but then made a comment about which streets to take when I leave in the morning. I said I wasn’t spending the night. Get inside, it’s 45 degrees because this man didn’t have gas turned on in his house yet. Wound up in his room because that’s of course where he had a fireplace and I’ve had wine for the first time in 10 years just flowing off the dopamine while feeling safe with him. We make out there and of course he tries to take things further. I push his hand away twice. After the second time, I said I don’t have sex with people I’m not in a relationship with. Also mentionable, this was my first date night kissing him with more than a peck. He stopped eye contact, got up, turned all the lights on, and showed me out… even standing at the end of the driveway waving which way to turn. Communication the next two days is one worded or him reacting to a text. I finally call out the lack of communication since that night and apologize for unintentionally leading him on (people pleasing tendency of mine is to apologize even when I don’t think I was completely in the wrong). He says he had enjoyed our time, didn’t have any negative feelings about how our night ended, he respected my boundaries, but wasn’t feeling the connection. He refused to answer if he felt something was off before or after he tried getting in my pants. Also, why the hell should he get praise for respecting my boundary because otherwise it would have been SA?

One might think, 4 dates isn’t too too soon to get physical but we had never talked about anything sexual prior, sexual health, exclusivity, etc. I’m not a prude but made it clear from the start I’m dating with the intention of a future husband. At the end of the day, me and this guy really only knew each other 2 weeks.

I know him rejecting me after I held a boundary says more about him than me. If he was truly wanting a relationship he would have continued to invest in getting to know me. It’s been a few days now and I’m still feeling down about it hoping he would reach out again. The dates were amazing; our shared interests, music, non-sexual physical touch, talking about our families, laughing, singing in the car, planning our next dates, etc. I just want things to go back to how they were before but he doesn’t want me and now I can’t help but think sex was all he was after.

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[u/gtaIIIstan]

I know him rejecting me after I held a boundary says more about him than me.

Not really. You had a boundary. But so did he. The more interesting question is why you ignored the parade of red flags on dates 1-3 and still hit him up/cared after he basically kicked you out and went cold after.

[u/lat57]

Thank you! Each time I have a failed relationship or dating experience I come up with new “rules”. It’s so hard to tell now when someone really just wants to get to know you and is excited to see you versus when they are going through the motions as fast as possible to get physical. Things I have learned since being on my phone in a depressed mood for a few days:

1. Keep dates 2-3 hours. Be “busy” and don’t mess up your sleep schedule for some guy/gal you barely know.
2. Stop texting at 9:00 or 10:00.
3. If they want to text all day simply say you want to build the connection in person and can’t wait to make that happen.
4. 1 date a week for the first month to allow the dopamine to settle after each date to assess the situation from a more logical stand point. Increase date nights when you know how you feel about them but at a maintainable pace.
5. Let the man invest in you. This was a hard one for me since I want to also show I am invested and will always try to pay too. I planned and paid for the event we went to on our last date.. and picked him up out of unnecessary guilt. Then when he pulled that crap I was thinking “I picked you up, paid for you, AND you expect me to be waxed, shaved, lingerie, and ready to go for you!?”. Yes, I watched some Sprinkle Sprinkle Lady.
6. When you feel them pull away, let them. If they come back it will be on their terms instead of being pressured.
7. When they ask what you are looking for in a relationship, be vague but serious. If you tell them what you want, they will play it out for you until they get tired of acting a part.
8. Pretty privilege has a dark side.. they will lust but not always want to love.

[u/Zealousideal-Cod9561]

I just went through a very similar experience. He was testing your boundary the entire evening and when you held it, he knew you had self respect and weren’t going to be easily manipulated. I’m glad he showed himself out and now he’s trying to manipulate you back in with hot and cold behavior. You don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. Block. Delete. Feel the disappointment and I bet you’ll feel better in a week!

[u/Yes_I-Read-It]

Sorry that happened to you, but you’re right that his rejection after you holding a boundary is a huge red flag. I think you may have dodged a major bullet. The early on “babe” and “baby” stuff turns me off too, I hate it when men try to make you feel like you’re farther along in the “relationship” than you really are by dropping those stupid crumbs. You deserve better. I’m not super religious but I like the saying, “A man’s rejection is God’s protection.” Next!