r/confidence • u/Mad_Prog_1 • 7d ago
Why Do People Ignore Me?
For years, I’ve been struggling with connecting with people, especially when it is not in person. Since graduating several years ago and reaching out to reconnect, I’ve been ignored a lot. I would send a quick message and say I hope things are well or congrats on the marriage, job, kids, etc. and never hear back, even though it says they have seen it.
I just don’t get it. You would think, even if I didn’t study with them or even know them as well, they would at least acknowledge it or say thanks. I would think people of similar backgrounds or interests might want to spend a few minutes with it. Likewise, I can’t think of me doing anything that would justify them going no contact. I can only think of one time where I got upset at someone and told them to F off, before coming back a few minutes later and apologizing. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but they must have pretty thin skin if that is the worst they have heard.
I know people are busy and have their own problems, but that excuse doesn’t impress me. My life has been very easy compared to so many, but it still had its difficulties. I’ve worked full time since I was 22, and was in school or working part time since I was 18. I’ve struggled with OCD, migraines, job loss, work stress, school stress, rejection. I grew up with loving parents, but money was often tight and this caused a lot of disagreement. I think much of the issue was my dad had undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia. He lost his job after getting quite sick with Hep. C (back when chemo was the only treatment). Thankfully, he got better. My mom had breast cancer more recently, but thankfully it was caught early and treated. Sorry if that was a bit of a rant, but it felt good getting it out. And I should mention that I have never told anyone of those things, so it’s not like I’m trying to dump that on them.
But despite that, I still make time for people. I would still get back to someone who reached out to me, even if it is just a sentence. Sometimes I did it out of feeling interested. Other times, it was out of politeness.
I feel like there are only two reasons that it could be:
- I come off as overly friendly. Sometimes I might get a bit overly enthusiastic about talking with people. I think it’s because I’ve often been shy in life, so feeling I can reach out to someone, and having the courage to do so can be somewhat exhilarating. That and I like to inject a bit of passion into life.
- Sexuality. Recently, I’ve come to the acceptance that I am at least bi-curious if not bi. This was a tough road filled with confusion, anger, shame. I still haven’t told anyone yet. I never asked any one of these people out on a date, nor did I ever make any sexual advance or even joke. The only thing I can think of is if I subconsciously displayed some more feminine traits at times, and they falsely thought I was asking them out if I said let’s hang out, grab a coffee, go to a party, etc. I had no romantic interest in them. And even if I was gay, I think it’s pretty bad to assume that every conversation I have is intended only for sex and that I am incapable of friendships.
So, what do you think it is? Should I take a more neutral approach to people, or is it just that some people don’t how else to say no? Or am I just dealing with assholes?
Update: Everyone, thank you for the advice and information. It really has clarified things. I think I was feeling overwhelmed that day and I just had to dump all my feelings here. I've also realized that I wasn't always the best at getting back at people (though I usually did, even if it was a week later).
In the past, I had a lot of issues with being lonely, especially when away from my family. I felt weak, scared, hurt. I was clawing out in almost desperation for validation and friendship. I feel better now about things, feeling more confident in my abilities, work, sexuality, as well as physically feeling better with a better diet and exercise.
For one of the people I contacted, maybe he will get back, as he's taken well over a week in the past, and I know the holidays are tough and busy. I think what might have hurt about that one was that I essentially developed a bit of a crush on him. When I knew him, I had no attraction. But looking back, seeing old photos of him back when he was my age now (he's about 7 years older than me), I started to imagine being at least his friend. I've never had a sexual fantasy about another man before, and that was very intense, pleasurable, even transformative. I never let on my feelings towards him (or anyone regarding my identity), but it might have clouded my feelings a bit.
I know I have to go forward. I will still always be friendly, open, and willing to talk anytime about anything. I would rather be a little too friendly and learn from the experience rather than be the hurt, angry, and frustrated person I often was in the past. It literally feels physically good to open my heart and be okay with getting scratched up, like my heart doesn't have to pump as hard.
As an aside...
I think the other thing is that by being so close to my parents, it has made me a bit old-fashioned when it comes to interacting with people. They grew up in an era before answering machines and caller id. You always answered the phone, and unless you were going to just hang up on someone (which you just didn't do unless they did something really offensive), you were essentially expected to hold a conversation with them. Maybe it was better, maybe worse than today, but it is what people did.
Just the other day, my mom got a bit pissed off about my cousin (her niece). And she's the type of person who is nice to a fault. She had messaged her a few times, and eventually came right out and asked "Why are you ghosting me?" My mom felt insulted, and it doesn't help that my cousin came from a wealthier family than us, so it feels like a bit of snobbery, which it very well could be. Not making excuses for her treating mom like this. Mom was genuinely concerned about her, including the fact my cousin sometimes didn't treat her own parents (mom's sister) all that well, and that my cousin has struggled with being bi-polar. She had talked with with her quite a bit in the past, often giving her emotional support, so I do see how it can feel a bit like being used. But it is an interesting highlight about how someone born in the 1950s handles communication different than someone from the 1990s.
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u/Jezterscap 7d ago
I can only tell you from my experience, but this may be different for you. I stopped caring about what happens in the objective world. I do my own things that I enjoy. I stopped looking for validation outside of myself. I just stopped caring so much and looking for things to make me happy. I now live a simple life. I meditate, light exercise, walk, dance and pretty much just do things by myself.
I found that when I do not look for things outside of myself, I have more fun and things flow more naturally. I listen to how my body feels rather than listening to the thoughts of my mind. I sit in meditation and watch the thoughts go by and not pay attention to them. This makes me feel calm and happy and this translates to other aspects of my life.
If you want to further look into this maybe search for Zen or Wu wei.