r/confidence • u/Mad_Prog_1 • 7d ago
Why Do People Ignore Me?
For years, I’ve been struggling with connecting with people, especially when it is not in person. Since graduating several years ago and reaching out to reconnect, I’ve been ignored a lot. I would send a quick message and say I hope things are well or congrats on the marriage, job, kids, etc. and never hear back, even though it says they have seen it.
I just don’t get it. You would think, even if I didn’t study with them or even know them as well, they would at least acknowledge it or say thanks. I would think people of similar backgrounds or interests might want to spend a few minutes with it. Likewise, I can’t think of me doing anything that would justify them going no contact. I can only think of one time where I got upset at someone and told them to F off, before coming back a few minutes later and apologizing. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but they must have pretty thin skin if that is the worst they have heard.
I know people are busy and have their own problems, but that excuse doesn’t impress me. My life has been very easy compared to so many, but it still had its difficulties. I’ve worked full time since I was 22, and was in school or working part time since I was 18. I’ve struggled with OCD, migraines, job loss, work stress, school stress, rejection. I grew up with loving parents, but money was often tight and this caused a lot of disagreement. I think much of the issue was my dad had undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia. He lost his job after getting quite sick with Hep. C (back when chemo was the only treatment). Thankfully, he got better. My mom had breast cancer more recently, but thankfully it was caught early and treated. Sorry if that was a bit of a rant, but it felt good getting it out. And I should mention that I have never told anyone of those things, so it’s not like I’m trying to dump that on them.
But despite that, I still make time for people. I would still get back to someone who reached out to me, even if it is just a sentence. Sometimes I did it out of feeling interested. Other times, it was out of politeness.
I feel like there are only two reasons that it could be:
- I come off as overly friendly. Sometimes I might get a bit overly enthusiastic about talking with people. I think it’s because I’ve often been shy in life, so feeling I can reach out to someone, and having the courage to do so can be somewhat exhilarating. That and I like to inject a bit of passion into life.
- Sexuality. Recently, I’ve come to the acceptance that I am at least bi-curious if not bi. This was a tough road filled with confusion, anger, shame. I still haven’t told anyone yet. I never asked any one of these people out on a date, nor did I ever make any sexual advance or even joke. The only thing I can think of is if I subconsciously displayed some more feminine traits at times, and they falsely thought I was asking them out if I said let’s hang out, grab a coffee, go to a party, etc. I had no romantic interest in them. And even if I was gay, I think it’s pretty bad to assume that every conversation I have is intended only for sex and that I am incapable of friendships.
So, what do you think it is? Should I take a more neutral approach to people, or is it just that some people don’t how else to say no? Or am I just dealing with assholes?
Update: Everyone, thank you for the advice and information. It really has clarified things. I think I was feeling overwhelmed that day and I just had to dump all my feelings here. I've also realized that I wasn't always the best at getting back at people (though I usually did, even if it was a week later).
In the past, I had a lot of issues with being lonely, especially when away from my family. I felt weak, scared, hurt. I was clawing out in almost desperation for validation and friendship. I feel better now about things, feeling more confident in my abilities, work, sexuality, as well as physically feeling better with a better diet and exercise.
For one of the people I contacted, maybe he will get back, as he's taken well over a week in the past, and I know the holidays are tough and busy. I think what might have hurt about that one was that I essentially developed a bit of a crush on him. When I knew him, I had no attraction. But looking back, seeing old photos of him back when he was my age now (he's about 7 years older than me), I started to imagine being at least his friend. I've never had a sexual fantasy about another man before, and that was very intense, pleasurable, even transformative. I never let on my feelings towards him (or anyone regarding my identity), but it might have clouded my feelings a bit.
I know I have to go forward. I will still always be friendly, open, and willing to talk anytime about anything. I would rather be a little too friendly and learn from the experience rather than be the hurt, angry, and frustrated person I often was in the past. It literally feels physically good to open my heart and be okay with getting scratched up, like my heart doesn't have to pump as hard.
As an aside...
I think the other thing is that by being so close to my parents, it has made me a bit old-fashioned when it comes to interacting with people. They grew up in an era before answering machines and caller id. You always answered the phone, and unless you were going to just hang up on someone (which you just didn't do unless they did something really offensive), you were essentially expected to hold a conversation with them. Maybe it was better, maybe worse than today, but it is what people did.
Just the other day, my mom got a bit pissed off about my cousin (her niece). And she's the type of person who is nice to a fault. She had messaged her a few times, and eventually came right out and asked "Why are you ghosting me?" My mom felt insulted, and it doesn't help that my cousin came from a wealthier family than us, so it feels like a bit of snobbery, which it very well could be. Not making excuses for her treating mom like this. Mom was genuinely concerned about her, including the fact my cousin sometimes didn't treat her own parents (mom's sister) all that well, and that my cousin has struggled with being bi-polar. She had talked with with her quite a bit in the past, often giving her emotional support, so I do see how it can feel a bit like being used. But it is an interesting highlight about how someone born in the 1950s handles communication different than someone from the 1990s.
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u/DistraughtGrandpa 7d ago
I'll be honest I never want to talk to anyone I went to high school or college with ever again. I've tried, and it just doesn't work. Truthfully, we weren't as close as I thought.
The ones from high school that have sent me messages always have a bit of a.. romanticized view of our time together. They act like we were very close, but the reality is we just goofed around in 4th period gym. I knew nothing about them then, and I know nothing about them now. There was no time spent together outside school, and I'd rather forget my time there. I don't respond to these people.
The ones from college I take the time to respond to, but they always ask the same high-level stuff. What's your job? Are you married? Do you have any kids? Then I end up remembering how they stopped talking to me the moment they graduated. Yea, I am still a bit salty about that one. It's a me problem, I guess.
The harsh truth is I just don't care about either group any longer. A lot can happen to a person in a single year. Even more in 15. I've moved on. I am different now. I have better things to do instead of making small talk until one of us gets bored enough to leave.
With that said, if they came in swinging with a vibe that matched mine now, we probably could reconnect. It would essentially be making a new friendship, which would improve my lonely life. I won't bet money on it though.
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u/Warm-Cow22 7d ago
There's probably not a single reason, especially if this happens with multiple people. So to add:
Sometimes, people just like to clear unread messages. It's possible they opened it to mark it as read but didn't actually read it.
They're not as good as you when it comes to replying. For whatever sub-reasons (e.g. time management, brain fog, etc.)
They don't value replying the same way you do.
They're selective with it.
And so on.
These don't have to be excuses, just reasons. Unfortunately, this is life. People operate more or less randomly, not out of principle.
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u/Mad_Prog_1 3d ago
I do think some of them are rather forgetful (and I can be too). One person didn't get back to me until almost 2 weeks later, so it could be like that. And that's fine. I think I was more just venting when I wrote this, but I will get past it.
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u/Payne_by_name 6d ago
In the main, most people are selfish and wrapped up in their own little bubble.
And so unless they need something from you, then the last thing they want is an old acquaintance puncturing that little bubble.
Better to ignore and hope you go away. As you get older, you'll see this happening in the real world until you are invisible and irrelevant.
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u/Particular_Oil3314 6d ago
Could it be that you are seen as needy?
You cite you sexual needs. Also overly friendly, i.e. needing a friend.
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u/youneedbadguyslikeme 5d ago
Your conversation skills suck bruh. Talk to people about subjects they want to hear or ask them question that make them speak. It’s not about your interests. It’s about theirs. And be genuinely interested otherwise people pick up on it. If someone reciprocates and starts asking you stuff then they’re interested, but don’t talk too much. Let them talk to you and it’s very much more likely they’ll talk to you.
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u/Mad_Prog_1 5d ago
I'm working on it. Last night, I was talking to family I haven't seen in a while, and I was able to keep the conversation flowing and have a lot of fun over several hours, so immersion therapy does help. Yes, it is about their interests, though my interests do matter as well, especially when they are shared.
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u/Ok_Permission8284 3d ago
This whole idea of not talking to people for years and then trying to reconnect like you guys didn’t miss a beat is not realistic. Next time u find a group don’t ignore them, it’s like beating a dead beat dad. When u come back the kids don’t wanna talk 🤷♂️ that might be an extreme example but you get the point
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u/Available-Rhubarb363 5d ago
People are assholes they ignore you because they can't use you.dont trust them if I was you I would be happy that they do.forget them and concentrate on your own life
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u/Mad_Prog_1 5d ago
I wouldn't go so far to say they are assholes (usually). Maybe a bit self-centered and insular, sure. But not malicious. I will focus on making myself the best person I can be, and that will help attract the right sort of people.
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u/hahaneenerneener 7d ago
You're not as important as you think you are.
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u/Mad_Prog_1 3d ago
I never claimed I was particularly important to them, rather I just wanted to talk for a few minutes about what we experienced together and what they are doing I have other people in my life besides them, and will have other people in the future. In some ways I felt bad about not connecting.
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u/hahaneenerneener 3d ago
It's in the question "Why do people ignore me?" The fact you're even asking means you pondering more than once, daily, if not for years, why people are ignoring you. And you wonder and wonder and you're not even realizing how little people actually care about the world around them.
This has nothing to do with you, it's just the natural state of the world. To think of it as "ignoring" is a self-centered, self-serving approach and you will constantly be hurt by framing the world this way.
People come and go and will talk to you and they won't. "They're ignoring me" is a spoiled way of framing that experience, "They're lost in their heads" or "Only thinking about themselves" would be a better, more accurate framework.
Humble yourself, it's okay to find out you're not as important as you think. You seem to be holding on to the past here and you can take a few tokens but most of it has to go friend, I'm sorry.
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u/Jezterscap 7d ago
I can only tell you from my experience, but this may be different for you. I stopped caring about what happens in the objective world. I do my own things that I enjoy. I stopped looking for validation outside of myself. I just stopped caring so much and looking for things to make me happy. I now live a simple life. I meditate, light exercise, walk, dance and pretty much just do things by myself.
I found that when I do not look for things outside of myself, I have more fun and things flow more naturally. I listen to how my body feels rather than listening to the thoughts of my mind. I sit in meditation and watch the thoughts go by and not pay attention to them. This makes me feel calm and happy and this translates to other aspects of my life.
If you want to further look into this maybe search for Zen or Wu wei.