My 69 year old white female co-worker grabbed my neck randomly recently.

[u/OutwithaYang]

Warning: This is pretty long. This has been ticking me off for a while and I just needed to vent.

This happened back in October, but ever since that day, I have come to fully resent this woman for her sheer audacity and that invasion of boundaries. On top of that I still have to see her on Saturday afternoons to start my afternoon shift at the local art museum, and nowadays I try to be civil but give myself space away from her to prevent another surprise incident. But, to give you more context, let me tell you what happened. I was coming in one Saturday afternoon to start work and take over as gift shop associate while my co-worker, a then 69 year old white woman, briefs me on any events happening that day and getting ready to leave since she only works the morning shift. We were chatting about how our week went, a question I asked her out of genuine interest.

After she was done telling me how her week went, I started telling mine and mention the slight tress of working at my 9 to 5 job for most of the week in addition to this part-time job. I was punching in for work while talking then briefly turned away from her gaze, my head was a bit lowered while I was looking at the cleaning supplies on the shelf. All of a sudden this lady randomly grabbed my neck from behind, with her thumb and index finger slightly pressing the sides of my neck and she started slightly shaking my neck for a good 30 seconds.

I turned my head to look at her while she was doing it and was honestly shocked in confused. Then she took her hand away and had the nerve to sheepishly claim with a smile "I used to be a masseuse. I didn't mean to alarm you." I smelled a load of bullshit from that comment alone, and it bugged me because I couldn't tell if she was trying to "playful" (or whatever playful means to this old weirdo) or if she was listening to her intrusive thoughts. I tried to compose myself and remain civil instead of lashing out at her despite wanting to honestly do so. Then I asked her if there were any events going on at the museum today and she mentioned there was only an art class downstairs, but once she got around the counter, I decided to kind of address her behavior without snapping at her by mentioning how I massage my mom whenever she's in pain, too (thing is I wasn't in pain and she had NO BUSINESS touching me at all), but then when she went around the counter as she was about to leave, she made another bullshit claim that she "used to be a massage therapist".

I looked her dead in the eye and blurted out with a slightly nervous chuckle "I thought you were trying to strangle me for a second" and she was like "Oh no. I would never do that." We said our goodbyes and she finally left after that but I was left really uncomfortable and felt like a major boundary was violated. I was also angry at the fact that she had the nerve to randomly do that to me and didn't really apologize. She only said that she "didn't mean to alarm" me, but she randomly put her hand around my neck and shook it and the neck is a sensitive part of the body. Even if she was intending something positive in her eyes or trying to be playful, I DON'T know her that well. We've worked for a year as co-workers but we are still not that close. So, it annoys me and bothers me that she even did that.

I could even still feel some slight neck pain from where she pressed her finger against the side of my neck. I called my mom to talk to her about it when nobody was in the room and she said that since I didn't address it to her at the moment, I shouldn't address unless she brought it up or tried to do it again, but that just didn't sit right with me. I was still in a state of shock but really wanted to confront her about it afterwards. When I told my aunt about what happened and how I wanted to text her about it, my aunt advised not to since I didn't say much of anything before and told me that I "should be careful when trying to confront white women because they could be dangerous" and that nonsense probably because she felt that the lady could spin this to make it look like she's the victim.

The following Saturday, I was wearing one of my favorite earrings and she said she liked it but then tried to reach out to touch it. This time I was prepared and moved my head away before she could touch my earring. She stated that I'm "just like another co-worker" of ours because he doesn't like being touched either. Then she was like "I tend to be a little touchy" I then explained to her that I don't like these extreme forms of touch since I have had bad experiences with people invading my personal space in the past at other workplaces prior to this one, which was true. Her yes widened like she had see a ghost and I thought at that moment she realized her mistake from the previous weekend because she looked a little nervous after that, especially when my shift officially started and she came back to the museum to pick up something that she forgot. The next Wednesday, however, when we were at a restaurant celebrating my former supervisor who was leaving that month, this lady left her seat to came around to my side of the long table where I was sitting with other co-workers I was chatting to and sat next to the empty seat next to me, and while she she started talking to them, she randomly put her hand on my right shoulder and rubbed her middle index finger while doing it.

Then she rested her hand on the top of my chair behind my back while she was talking to the other ladies. I, again, tried to compose myself and remain civil, but I swear I wanted to slap her stupid hand away. When I briefly explained my past experiences about invasion of space at other workplaces and she gave that deer in the headlights look, I was expecting her to get it and never touch me without permission like that again. But it seems like she either didn't get it, forgot (Although, I know she's not senile, or that forgetful. She's pretty spry for her age), or didn't care that Wednesday. It is a good thing I made a point to write down the date, time, and report of the incident the day she did grab my neck just so I can report her to HR asap if she does it again, but I am tempted to send it without having to wait for another incident because I've been feeling like it's long overdue and I should have gotten someone to give her the boot for even touching me like that.

It's just not something you do to a co-worker, especially one you don't know that well. I also am concerned she was comfortable randomly doing that to a black woman such as myself. I honestly have starting secretly resenting her ever since those two incidents and can't stand seeing her at my part-time job on Saturdays. I wasn't really that fond of her before, either but often tried to be nice and respectful to her and get to know her a bit. She was snarky at first when I shared my interests initially but seemed to have mellowed out. Lately, ever since that day, I've felt like I've needed to keep an eye on her just in case she tries to be touchy like that again and making sure she's never too close to me. I just don't feel that comfortable being around her anymore. You know what I mean? Anyone ever have similar experiences with certain white co-workers?

[u/Late-Champion8678]

No!

This woman out her hands on you. She tried throttle you. 30 seconds is a LONG time to have your hand on someone’s neck, UNSOLICITED. Why didn’t you report this?

Her ‘explanation’ makes zero sense. None. She didn’t just test a boundary, she crashed through it and at the moment, she knows she can get any with it.

Report it now.

[u/yepdonewiththisshi]

Sorry you're dealing with this :( It's gross. I'm dealing with something similar and sent a strongly worded FB message to them, expressing I'd discussed this with a third party who knew them who advised me to talk direct to them first. Maybe it was because it was in writing, or that now their reputation was at stake, but they came back to me pretty quick with a bunch of bullshit excuses but did express they'd never do it again. Maybe written in an email is the way to go? I'm sure that'd actually scare your co-worker properly as it will ramp up the seriousness of your request.

[u/lavasca]

I stopped at the title. I’d have faked a stroke, seizure, possession, whatever to get her hauled away.

I’d let the ER determine whether I’m faking or not.

She started with her fingers. Next is her foot.

“You in danger, girl!”

[u/iplayKeys4]

As someone who’s been in similar shoes and chose to not say anything, I support you either way. An older non-poc female coworker who I know disliked me also touched my neck area to “fix my collar” from behind while I wasn’t looking/distracted one day. As someone who’s studied criminal psychology and the “why” behind chosen methods to subdue victims, it makes me even more uncomfortable thinking about it. It’s a passive aggressive way of them saying they don’t like you and want control over something that they can’t control but would put them at ease if they could make the problem disappear. Watch your back fr!

[u/groovy_girl1997]

I’m sorry you’ve been through this. Did you go to Human Resources about it?

[u/Adventurous_Fig4650]

Ain’t no way. I’ve worked around a lot of white coworkers and never had them disrespect my space like this lady has. She sounds really entitled to others spaces. This is unacceptable on her part.

[u/Infamous-Blood-838]

I don’t understand why you’re waiting to report her to HR. She touched you without your permission and for no reason. You’re not comfortable at work now, so she’s created a hostile work environment. Report her.

[u/Cold-Conference1401]

Report her to HR. That is sexual harassment.

[u/Typical-External3793]

No! There are nerves and major blood vessels in your neck that could incapacitate you if you apply a slight pressure. This is dangerous. Document her behavior and ask to be removed from her shift. What she did is boundary testing. This stuff escalates. Please report her and change your shift if you are able.