Is anyone else bothered by rapid, loud, incessant speech? Does anything help besides avoiding it?

[u/SnafuTheCarrot]

My sister has really bad ADHD, is possibly bipolar. She has had bad experiences with ritalin and refuses alternatives, so goes untreated. Her loud, rapid, frankly inane speaking patterns puts me into fight or flight mode. She also has a tendency to monopolize the conversation. We're both visiting my parents for the holidays. It's hard to get in a word edgewise in group settings with normal people. With her poor impulse control, its even more difficult. I'm not sure how to tell her to accommodate me.

It's doubly challenging because she makes false equivalences. I'm like "When you talk fast, loud, and interrupt people, I don't feel like talking at all." She responds, "well, I hate the sounds your mouth makes when you eat."

Fair enough that we both make sounds that annoy each other. But do I have to put up with it all day for something she has to put up with for maybe 20 minutes?

I think it also selfish of her. She lives a half hour away. I live 8 hours away. She gets 1 on one time with our parents any time she wants. Me, not so much.

I thought I'd made these points before, but it doesn't really get through to her. My mom seems to think this can be rectified by us sitting down with each other and having a talk. I have trouble seeing how this can be productive. I'm not going to get more tolerant of her and she's not going to stop her erratic yammering.

[u/2goof_4u]

This sounds like misophonia on both sides

[u/SnafuTheCarrot → u/2goof_4u]

Thanks! Looking into it. I didn't know it could apply to full on speech, but looks like it can!

[u/a_long_slow_goodbye → u/SnafuTheCarrot]

Yeah it can, sometimes it's the intonation and/or tone. Monotone voices can irk me as one example or speech that's erratic.

Mostly i have issues with an inability to seperate and 'tune' out sound. Worst for me is when several people are having conversations, i can hear them all whether i like it or not and i unwillingly strain to hear them. On average most people have no issue selectively tuning out, they can also do it unconsciously while i just can't.

[u/SnafuTheCarrot → u/a_long_slow_goodbye]

I feel you. Had just that problem at the family get together yesterday.

[u/a_long_slow_goodbye → u/SnafuTheCarrot]

Most restraunts i go to with my mother are small which makes noises more apparent. I pay as a gift because i like to do that when she is kind enough to actually come unlike others. I never like to worry about splitting bills (i don't drink alcohol as an example) and she drives so i like to give back... anyway. I was listening to 2 people at the table next to us last time we went to a tapas place, i just can't help it and it's not deliberate at all on my part. One of the people was overtly dramatic and saccarine but in an arrogant way not an endearing polite type of attitude. I said something in a soft spoken tone (enough to be discreet but loud enough for my mother to hear me) about whatever those other customers where saying but got lightly scolded as being rude for listening in despite them agreeing, typical (haahaa). Couldn't concentrate on talking to my mother at times because i was already inadvertantly listening to other people around me and the ambient sounds. Sometimes it gets to the point where i can't hear more things because i'm already at max capacity for processing all the things around me. I just can't tune out sound.

Another example is that i can't listen to music while i do something else, it puts me off concentrating. Sound effects my coordination so i need to have a quite enviroment or be able to hear ambient sounds for balance and motorskills. Listening to earbuds/iem or having a conversation too closely while walking puts me off balance (it's also to do with spacial awareness and depth perception).

I am one of those self admittedly weird people that experiences misophonia but likes ASMR (been listening since early/mid 2010s after searching for stereoscopic/binaural sound). I like the controlled mannor of it, the pace and certain tones of voice. Mouth sounds, chewing and anything quite erratic are no no's for me.

[u/hlanus]

I feel the same way. I can't stand it when people talk too fast or too loud.

[u/Takeitisie]

Nah, I having AuDHD am the person with rapid, incessant, sometimes loud speech

[u/No-Instruction3 → u/Takeitisie]

“Why are you yelling” “You realize you started the story in the middle and never finished”

It’s very easy for me to tune out talk that I don’t want to hear, if someone else is getting repetitive I just stop listening. Sometimes I really can’t help it.

Maybe see if you can get some one on one time with your parents or something. Take any opportunity, going to the store ect

[u/Bitter_Enthusiasm239]

I absolutely have misophonia and cannot handle people speaking that way. Usually I try to stay sort of passively-active in the conversation as long as I can without going insane inside my head while I construct a swift exit plan. I also never go anywhere that I cannot relatively easily leave when I want to… so no carpooling, no parking somewhere that traps my vehicle in… stuff like that.

[u/a_long_slow_goodbye]

"Unstopable force meets imovable object." I think it's a bit of give and take, you both have to be considerate and look at the context. I understand that you get less time to see your parents, it would be nice if your sister could acknowledge this more (if she cares about you) and at least be conscious when straight up made aware. Perhaps your mother saying to have a 1-1 chat is her saying you need to find away to relate. However, if one party is unwilling then it will never get off the ground so to speak.

To be fair i also don't like eating sounds either (misophonia), i am conscious of doing it myself too and have had to walk away or put on music or a yt video when someone is over and eating. Perhaps i could get ear defender plugs. Eating sounds are something people can control if they are self ware of it; where as if you have ADD (with or without the hyperactive component) your impulse control is impaired in the frontal cortex and ganglia (which are directly linked), they literally lack a certain amount of impulse control. When i interupt people it's usually because i'm not good with social pragmatics (diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome), often i don't even think it's interupting as it's just me responding. I explain this and i still get chastised like i was deliberate, go figure lol. So ADHD and Autism are a bit different in that specific regard, in the context of why here but maybe similar in outcome.

[u/crankgirl]

Currently at MILs who was fairly bonkers even before she started losing her faculties. Now she just drifts from room to room muttering incoherently at quite a fast clip. My son (also autistic) was having panic attacks yesterday because he found her so unpredictable and was constantly worrying that she was going to fall over.

[u/Geminii27]

Yeah, sensory overload (particularly for loud, staccato sounds) can be triggered by speech as much as anything. It's also potentially worse because it mentally registers as communication, so there's an automatic attempt to try and follow/decipher it, which uses up additional mental capacity.

You may wish to arrange times to visit your parents when she's not there. Put to to your folks that you feel like you can't get any time with them when you're both there due to her tendency to monopolize conversations and talk over people, and you'd like some time with them where that's not happening.

[u/Early-Application217]

In some instances, I find myself reacting only to the tone and totally miss whatever they said. It's like I'm processing some wild beast in front of me raving. I've sometimes said, "sorry, but given your tone, I didn't process a word of what you just said. Could you repeat that?" It usually stops them cold, has been my experience. They are expecting escalation and fighting. I just tell them I can't understand when they go on like that, which is true. lol, usually even after I understand them, I think of them as a wild beast....

[u/Pristine-Confection3]

You sounds ableist. She has ADHD and can’t help this and you are not showing compassion to her. Calling it selfish isn’t okay because it’s not the intent. It’s like her being annoyed by your autism and the majority of autistic people are like this too and also have ADHD.

[u/SnafuTheCarrot → u/Pristine-Confection3]

Sorry. I meant I think its selfish of her to monopolize the time with our parents when I'm only here a couple times a year. She should give me some space. She might not be able to control what she does when she's present. It isn't hard to make herself absent, given she has her own house a relatively short drive away. Most autistic people I know are quiet and not prone to yammering.

My reaction might be misophonia or autistic overstimulation. She's explicitly ignoring my own issues. So who's being ableist? I can't take medicine for what I have. She has that option.

She makes no compromises. Since for all practical purposes I can't interact with my parents with her around, I just go hide upstairs.

[u/Timothyfosseen72]

She is not required in any way to accommodate you. She has ADHD. She may be too scared to try the alternative meds after a bad reaction to the one she was on. You have to give her accommodations. Sounds like you have no sympathy. I have a similar issue. I have had Asperger's all my life and didn't find out until a year and a half ago. I am 52 now. She criticized me for sonething on Christmas Eve and I explained that is how people with Asperger's are like. I have tried 8-10 or more different meds and nothing works. She took a class in college about Asperger's and Autism in the 90's and of course she thinks she knows more about it. Next time she does that, I will tell her to forget her book knowledge and to try living with this for almost 51 years before finding out you have it and your symptoms are way worse because of it. She seems to think she knows more about it than I do and I have had it all my life. She doesn't have it, so as far as I am concerned...her book knowledge is garbage. Your sister can't help how she is. You can control how you are.

[u/SnafuTheCarrot → u/Timothyfosseen72]

I'm diagnosed with ADHD as well as ASD1. I don't suck up all the oxygen in the room. Isn't it basic courtesy not to dominate a conversation or interrupt people? Who's being unsympathetic here? I can't talk to my parents when she's around. You can't get in a word edgewise. I just want her to talk less or give me some space. I'm not sure how to make the request without her taking offense. Complicating things, she is extremely sensitive to anything she can interpret as a judgment. Not sure what else to do but hide upstairs. Why make myself miserable by exposing myself to her overstimulation?

I was diagnosed with ASD a few years ago in my late 30s. I agree, even some big in book knowledge don't know much about the condition. I read here all the time of people not getting diagnosed because they have friends.