I’m in the process of coming out to my family/parents that my stepbrother sexually abused me when we were kids. I’m looking for support, and possibly advice, as I share my story/journey during this. This is a long one, so, if you’re willing, find a comfy spot to sit and read while I bare a small piece of my soul.

I’m currently 29 and struggling with a situation around my csa. When I was around 11-12, and my stepbrother was around 15-16 (4 yrs age gap), he sexually abused me for a brief period of time.

Backstory: My parents (dad and stepmom) have been together for around 27 years, so my stepbrother has been part of my family since I was 2yrs old. When I was little, I think around 3-4, my babysitter’s husband sexually abused me. I can recall some of the details of the abuse; how he looked and smelled (the smell was nasty, I think he was a mechanic or something, he was dirty and smelled like grease), that we would sit on the step of the living room when it happened, and that he would give me all of the dirty coins in his pocket as a gift for our little secret of him sticking his hands in my pants to touch me. I can sparsely remember my childhood, I’d say about 90% of what I do remember before my teenage years was the sexual abuse, most everything else is either fuzzy or nonexistent in my memory. I know this is a result of trauma.

With being exposed to sexual abuse when I was little, I’m sure my brain initially reacted much different to the situation with my brother than the average brain would. I cannot recall the first time/how it happened, the exact length of time it continued happening, or the time of year it happened in, but I do know it was around the age of 11-12 for a brief period of time. I have very specific and detailed memories of what he did to me in that period of time. For example, I can remember the bottle of lotion he made me use when he wanted me to touch him; I remember the scent, the color of the lotion, the shape/size of the bottle, and the lid/opening the lotion came out of. There are numerous other things I remember; things he said and made me do, things I said to try to get out of the times he came to my room, etc..

Fast forward a few years and I’m in high school around freshman year; I miss my period and it’s like everything hits me suddenly and I get this intense panic of ‘what if I’m pregnant’ despite me literally knowing at the same time that it’s not physically possible because it had been years since anything happened. Despite knowing that, my brain catastrophized and said what if it was while I was sleeping, and that intense anxiety continued until my period happened a couple days later. I had that fear because, if I was pregnant, people (specifically my family) would find out what happened. Totally illogical. The only person who knew in high school was my best friend.

Due to my genetics and trauma as a child (emotionally abused by my stepmom at the time as a cherry on top) my BPD developed through high school. I ended up self harming quite a bit my senior year, had some suicidal ideation with a test to see about it here and there, and went from an honor student to barely passing my classes. I finally came out to my parents about the self harming one day when my stepmom wouldn’t stop verbally beating me down. They put me in therapy, but that didn’t do jack squat. A month after I graduated, I moved out of my parent’s house without a word while they were at work.

Fast forward another ~2 years and add on two sexual assaults and a school mass shooting. I’ve been seeing this therapist for a few months, he’s now the second person who knows about my childhood. I get my parents to come to a test therapy session and disclose my adhd, they’re accepting and my stepmom was like ‘makes total sense.’ Cool, now here’s the real test I tell myself, I have them join another and I tell them about the childhood sex abuse and two sexual assaults in college, while also stating I don’t want to share the names of anyone (outside of babysitter). My dad shuts down, my stepmom bawls her eyes out, and I end up comforting them while hugging her and telling her it’s okay.

Fast forward another ~8 years to current time. Since that therapy session 8 years prior, my stepmom is a different person, I can’t remember the last time she said something mean to me, and I’m pretty close to her relative to how close I am to my family in general. My relationship with my family is much better, but there’s this invisible wall - the abuse from my stepbrother I have kept secret for almost two decades. Through ~10 years of my journey with personal research/internal work during my bachelor in psychology to figure myself out (yay logic and treating myself like a subject to study), lots of self harming behaviors, hospital stays, drug abuse, close calls with death, unhealthy relationships, individual therapy, learning to advocate for myself and others, EMDR, neurofeedback, group therapy, etc., and what feels like a 100 different medication attempts with my psychiatrist, I have finally hit a stable spot in my life. I have a career, I’m applying for my masters degree, I’m newly married to my partner of almost 5 years, I’ve been on a medication that’s held my BPD symptoms in check enough to be managed for almost 5 years (whole other journey on that one with my relationship) and I have a great family of friends I’ve built for myself.

Yet. Yet I still can’t pin point where all of this self hate is stemming from. Then, in therapy (yay), I realize it’s that secret, the secret that makes me feel like a liar and a fake to my family, the secret that I have taken and built into being my responsibility to keep so it doesn’t negatively impact anyone else - my responsibility because he obviously would never tell. I have lots of fun control/ocd struggles as a result of my life experiences, so that adds to that weight a good amount. That experience heavily impacted every part of my life, and still does, yet it is the one thing I push down because of my intense feelings of responsibility for my impact on others. In the last month, I realized I cannot move on with my life and let go of this (what felt like permanently) coiled ball of anger, hate, fear, and sadness until I tell my parents the truth. Two weeks ago I decided I need to talk to him first. Through EMDR I realized I don’t want our family to change, I am fine keeping my distance from him at family gatherings like I already do, I forgive him with the understanding that it doesn’t make it okay, and I want to move on with my life having minimal impact from this truth. They are my family, I love them, their feelings and choices are not my responsibility, and I deserve to be heard.

Step 1: talk to him on Christmas Day about the fact that I remember, and that I plan to talk to our parents about it. We live 2 hours away and only gather a handful of times a year, so it was my best opportunity. Step 2: meet with my parents the following weekend to tell them. That goes back to how often we meet, doing it now gives a large gap of time between now and the next gathering.

I swallowed my nerves, nausea and shaking hands included, and went up to him when there was a moment of privacy when he went to the bathroom to wash his hands. I bring it up gently in a vague sense without directly saying it, wanting to avoid being accusatory or threatening in my delivery, and am waiting for the backlash of angry denial. It doesn’t come. Instead, he acts genuinely concerned and confused with a somewhat gentle tone. He says he doesn’t know if he blocked it out or what, as he has no idea what I’m talking about, but that he wants us to talk about it more, maybe in a phone call, before I talk to anyone else about it. I say okay, and he holds out his arms to me and asks for a hug. I’m in so much shock from his response that I just freeze for a moment, then reluctantly hug him.

Excuse my language, but what the actual fuck. My head is gaslighting me so intensely saying that maybe all of my memories are somehow fake and he is genuinely innocent, which makes me a horrible person who could ruin his life if I did say something, but I know it happened. With how he reacted, I can’t tell if he genuinely can’t remember, or if he’s trying to manipulate me into not talking, and maybe even gaslighting me into changing my truth. I spent the last few hours researching if it’s even possible for him to forget/block it out. I have this fear that, after I left, he told our parents I accused him of something absolutely crazy, so don’t believe anything I say if I come to them. I’m meeting with my therapist, we preset a meeting to go over how the talk might go. I was prepared for anger, outright denial, essentially anything but how he responded to me. I don’t know what to think, do, or feel right now.

If you’re still with me, thanks for reading something less than a handful of people in my life know about.

A friend of mine confessed his love for me, less than two hours after I told him I was sexually assaulted again yesterday. He just sent like a love you (this was today). A few hours after when I saw it I thought it was platonic and just went back to sleep. Then he’s like “sorry” and I’m like “why” and he fucking fully confesses and is like “I would rather say it now than have it eat away at me.”

And it gets worse. I tell him I can’t reciprocate and he’s like “why” and I’m like “sorry what?” as if in the past three days I didn’t literally tell him I was having panic attacks about when I was raped less than two months ago, how I’m still missing the guy who did it to me cause he abandoned me right after it happened. Oh and you know literally being sexually assaulted again yesterday. He’s like “I just want to know”, so I repeat my points to him. And he’s like “I guess I was just too focused on my own feelings” and I kid you not he says to me “I didn’t get through all the possible outcomes on your end” as though I’m some fucking npc in a video game or something.

I tell him I need time to process things, he sends me two messages and is like “I’d still like to hug you.” And I’m like “give me space”. And I just genuinely can’t believe that he thought now would be a good time to tell me that he likes me, like what did he think would happen?

I feel like there’s still a part of me that wants to reach out and call him. I want so badly for him to apologize, but since we broke up two months ago, he’s refused any accountability. It hurts knowing that him and I can never be together again with how he’s refused accountability and has hurt me the way he has. Yet, I keep wanting to reach out. How do you get the feeling of wanting to reach out to go away? Should I reach out to him? What do I do?

Hey everyone!

I'm new to Reddit and have just joined this community. I have joined because I'm trying to see how survivors/victims of sexual assault/rape have carried on since their encounters, how they feel, what they think would help, share their stories, etc.

This is quite a broad question, I understand, and it may not be worded in the best way. If there is anyone who feels as though this is insensitive, I understand that very much and you have no obligation to take part in this. For those who do feel comfortable taking part, there are a few things I would like to know:

- What do you think would help you most after your encounter(s)?

- How have your encounters affected you and your life since?

- If they happened a while ago, what would you say have helped you get better?

- How would you like the people around you (e.g. friends/family) to respond when you tell them about your encounter(s)? (Would you like them to offer advice, just listen, just be there, hug you, offer to reach out for help for you, etc?)

You don't have to detail your encounters in any way unless you feel comfortable doing so. For anyone who does respond, please state in your response whether it would be ok for me to ask follow-up questions to you?

As previously stated, if you feel offended/triggered by the subject of this post, I understand and you can just ignore it. I am very aware of the fact that this is a highly sensitive topic about people's lives and that talking about it can be extremely difficult and even harmful, so please only respond if you feel okay about doing so.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Christian

I was leading him on. I didn’t even know it. I rubbed his back. I didn’t know that was a signal. I thought he was anxious so I started rubbing his back to calm him down. He must’ve thought I wanted it. I had no idea he was having those thoughts I had never done anything like that before I just wanted to comfort him and then he started kissing me but I rubbed his back first

And then I invited him to stay another night. I just wanted him to meet my friend the next day. I didn’t want to do anything I told him I didn’t want to do anything. I told him I was bleeding. He slept in another room and I flirted with him over text. He came in my room and we made out and I kept telling him to leave. Eventually he did. Then he asked me to come into his room and he kept asking so I did. I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t realise the connotations. I just wanted to make out like the first night but when I tried to leave he held me down. He kept trying to get me to take my underwear off. I said no. He kept asking to finger me and it hurt and I told him it hurt and held him back. I said no to penetration because he hadn’t brought a condom then he tried to stick it in and I asked what are you doing and he said he can pull out and I just didn’t even do anything

I gave him the wrong idea. I should’ve been more clear. I hate myself. And then I spoke to my mum and she said he was just confused and hormonal so I forgave him. I had forgotten what had happened. I forgot about the penetration. I said “I honestly forgot what happened. But I know if I said no you wouldn’t have done anything. I trust you” and he never said anything

He have a good apology. He took accountability. He said it wasn’t my fault. He said he felt horrible and the whole train ride he was having dark thoughts.

At first I went back to how I was before. No sexual desires. I said I don’t want to be alone with him and I don’t want to do anything sexual. But then we were alone together again. And I was the one who said we should go back to that spot. I said that

And after that point I became hypersexual. I made sexual comments that suggested I wanted him to do the things he had forced me to do. I guess I wanted to reclaim my power and forget what had happened. But I didn’t want to do sexual things. I wasn’t ready. And when I actually saw him I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t know how to say no. And he would just start doing it without asking and I would hold him back and I didn’t know how to stop him because I couldn’t say no

But I put myself in those positions. I wanted him to like me so badly. I wanted him to feel better. I wanted to want to do those things so badly to make him happy. But I didn’t

CW: rape, sexual assault and substance abuse

Earlier this year after having well over 20 standard drinks, and whilst fading in and out of consciousness I invited over a friend whom I had a falling out with.

I told her I regretted letting our friendship fall apart and in a drunken moment we kissed. She then said that she wanted to get drunk as-well so she “wouldn’t be taking advantage of me”So she had 3 shots, after talking a bit and drinking some more, I went to bed expecting that she would either take the couch or go home.

10 minutes later she wakes me up (at this point I was so drunk I genuinely thought I was dreaming) and asks if she could sleep in my bed, as I trusted her and thought she simply couldn’t get comfortable on the couch I let her sleep next to me.

I don’t remember how long after this was but what I do remember is waking up with her completely on top of me taking of my underwear, I told her I don’t want to do anything and that I was feeling nauseous but she grabbed my penis and insisted she would, “make me feel good” I laughed uncomfortably and kept trying to get her off me. She continued to put my penis inside her, but given that I was completely flaccid and barely conscious it kept slipping out.

After protesting and laughing uncomfortably as she kept attempting to have sex with me she insisted that at the least I should eat her out. I told her I wanted to sleep but she continued insisting and so regrettably I did, I felt immensely disgusted whilst the whole time I was convinced the whole thing was a dream. The last thing I remember is her moaning loudly and then me finally saying I had to get some water before leaving to the other bedroom,

The next morning I was certain that it was all a dream but when I went back into my room and found her sleeping in my bed my heart sank with dread.

I asked her to leave and then threw up, wether it was due to the intense drinking or disgust I’m not sure, but all I remember from that morning was showering for hours yet never feeling the clean.

The first person I told was my brother who said, “First of all I’m sorry that happened, but that’s every guys dream.”

I haven’t told anyone since, it wasn’t a dream it was fucking nightmare.

So the first rape he had coerced me into fingering when I said it was something I really hated. I took him back and made sexual comments about fingering to I guess forget about what had happened. When I saw him in person I’d agreed to do stuff with him and he put his fingers in without asking and I held him back. He didn’t like to tell me what he was doing before he did it, and would start doing things and then ask while he was already doing it “is this ok?” Does that count as consent? I remember once he had said I want to do something and I got really anxious and asked what it was and he didn’t want to say. I think he thought it killed the mood to say the word. Once he’d fingered me he’d asked to put his fingers in my mouth and I’d said no.

He tried to get me to finger myself on a phone call. I’d said no because I hated how it felt but he kept asking and I pretended to do it

When I saw him next he didn’t ask to put his fingers in my mouth he just did it. I didn’t say no. It’s not like I could lol. And then he put his hands around my neck. It was very scary

This happened again. He kept putting his fingers in my mouth without asking. I never said no. And he kept holding my neck without asking. But I never said no. Idk. Just made me feel weird

extra TW for suicidal ideation and CSA

i experienced a lot of SA as a kid and i want it to happen again because it made me feel desired. i know it’s about power, not desire, but why does no one want to assault me now? if they wanted me bad enough they’d do it. if someone wanted to overpower me at least it would mean they’re somewhat interested.

i also want it to happen as an excuse to kill myself. people would understand that i had to do it if i was assaulted. i’m a dumb fucking useless piece of shit and deserve terrible things to happen to me anyway

Am I able to just make a statement without an investigation? Will he be told about it? If he disagrees is he able to get rid of it?

I (f26) was warned. People told me to be careful. I live a different life than most where I travel most of the time. Living in nature. But it made me so happy. I met so many friendly people. And then one person destroys it. And yet I keep think it was my own fault all along. I chose to live this way.

Hi everyone, this subreddit seemed like it may be a good space for me to vent and take some advice. This is a throwaway account that will probably be deleted after I get some advice on how to move forward.

When I was 16 I was quite depressed and had very low self esteem. This was during Covid and I lost a lot of weight to the point where men starting being interested in me. I didn’t know how to handle it or what to do. I met a 19 year old and his friends at a park one day and it developed into this weird, degrading friendship. He was nice a first and he was the first boy to have a “crush” on me. He was my first awkward kiss and the next day he told me he felt bad and that he couldn’t do it. I was pretty broken up but fine. Then a few months later he wanted to hang out. We agreed to let our dogs meet each other and have a play date. He didn’t bring his dog and the whole time he kept trying to touch me. Hold hand, grab my waist, etc.

I resisted every time. I told him we were friends and that I didn’t want a repeat of our first kiss. He kept pushing, kept touching. It got to a point where he pinned me on the ground and kissed me. Then tried to kiss down my neck and I said no again. Eventually I gave in. I kissed him too and eventually we went to my truck. He would try to rub me or grab my boobs but I would always move his hand away and tell him to stop. I thought maybe if we went for a drive it would stop. He complained and said we should go to my house and watch a movie. I was a fool and thought he would leave me alone. I turned on a movie and his started touching me and kissing me again and kept trying to have sex with me. I kept saying no but he just begged. He said if I wouldn’t give him sex I should give him head. And I wanted it to end so I did.

He ended up gagging me, holding my head down, and laughing while I cried. When he came he got up immediately and went to the bathroom. I still remember the look on his face. I took a shot of vodka to get the taste out of my mouth. He got out of the bathroom and said “you know post nut clarity is a real thing”. I drove him back to his car where he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I just stayed quiet.

After that one of his closer friends became my first boyfriend. It was a relationship full of manipulation, pain, and more trauma. I confided in said boyfriend about the SA his friend had caused and he told me this long spiel about how a girl accused him of doing something he didn’t and it ruined his life. I now question if he had raped a girl before me. The first boyfriend didn’t believe me when the SA guy kept trying to show up at my work, follow my first boyfriend to my house, and tried to invite himself into my life multiple times.

I went through a lot of pain trying to get to the point where today (almost five years later). I’m triggered far less often. My parents still don’t know what happened and I got too scared to tell my therapist what happened. Only two people in the world know in detail what happened to me and one accused me of lying.

I can’t seem to bring myself to tell my current boyfriend what happened to me. My current boyfriend is kind, loving, and amazing. He is the man I want to marry, but I can’t seem to be brave enough to really tell him what happened. Something happened today while we were being intimate and it triggered me. It was by no means non consensual or anything bad. It was something normal people would have laughed off and moved on. I went quiet and I couldn’t talk or look at him. It was like all the disgust came rushing back and I was paralyzed again.

My bf knows about the SA but not in detail. He just knows that I have dreams about it sometimes and they drastically mess with my mental health for the week. He is always so patient and good to me when this happens. He deserves an explanation instead of me shutting down when I get triggered. I know he feels like it’s his fault and I feel so guilty for everything.

How can I overcome that paralysis? Why do I feel like I can’t tell anyone what happened to me? Why do I still feel so disgusted with myself? This was graphic and I’m sorry. I just need to let it out somehow.

I have been going back and forth, my ADHD really messes with my memory so I worry maybe I did consent and that I am overreacting even though for things I do remember clearly and even had it written down in text I still try to convince myself I'm overreacting.

I went through our old texts to try and jog my memory, I found out that we did set a boundary that we weren't going to have sex as I didn't like the thought of sex and would prefer to have a sexless relationship and she didn't feel comfortable with the thought of having sex with women.

She knew the entire time I was uncomfortable, she kept pushing my boundaries and ignoring my wishes so I don't know why I keep doubting it. It sucks, but I just keep going back and forth.

I want my brain to make up its mind, I might book a one time appointment at this one place to see if maybe a counselor could maybe just straight up tell me to my face if I'm overreacting

CW: S/A discussion.

When I was 14 a trusted friend of mine (15F) was talking to me about how they were talking to someone romantically. I was very happy for them as they’d had some bad luck with partners in the past. I lived somewhere different at the time and never got a chance to meet this person, up until I came down to visit sometime after my 15th birthday— about a month. By this point they had started dating, and I hung out with them and had a great time, this guy was really nice. He was caring and soft spoken, really understanding and warmed up to me very quickly. We hit it off, smoked some weed and spent the night together happily. A few hours into this we go into the bedroom and they’d asked me if I wanted to join in on something fun. Awkwardly, I asked them what they were talking about and they started taking their clothes off. I was very uncomfortable at first, shutting them down multiple times. They told me I was safe and they weren’t going to hurt me, that it was going to be fun. So finally I agreed. The most of it was just my friends new boyfriend performing oral on me, as I was too scared to do anything else and had never experienced anything else consensually, being as young as I was. Midway through he tried to put a condom on and I got up and ran into the bathroom, locking myself in. The boyfriend came to the door and knocked on it, telling me I was safe and apologising and asking me if I wanted to stop, saying that the both of them loved me and didn’t mean to scare me. I came out and we talked before going to sleep. The next day, they’re dropping me off home and the boyfriend turns to me and asks me if I know how old he is. I think about it; He has a house, a car and a full time job. So I get confused and say no. ((Although my friend had told me he was 17, I still can’t explain why I even disagreed. I suppose I was afraid of being wrong.)) he told me “I’m 20.” This happened 3 years ago, and since then I’ve tried to tell my ex friend—who is still dating this man—that they were groomed. Cut them both off, and most importantly told people my story. Recently though, I got a call from the police that I had been reported for harassment by you guessed it, since people around didn’t like what they were hearing about them. I kept my mouth shut and didn’t report it to the police out of the guilt I’d feel for making them both lose everything. Everything that was spread, was purely because in a small town like the one I live in, shit spreads like WILDFIRE. I’m sorry this is so long, I guess I’d just like to know if I am actually accusing someone of something that didn’t happen. Because I know that a 20 yr old shouldn’t commit a sexual act with someone who was 14 a month prior, but at the same time he had the nerve to report me. ((I would also like to say, that in no way do I blame my ex friend for my relationship with this man that went on for months before and after, and I do not blame them for continuing a relationship with him to this day. I’ve done all I can, and now I am focussed on my healing. I don’t think I could ever talk to them again, but I hope they find their way away from him and realise their worth. ))

TLDR: When I was 15 a 20 yr old performed oral sex on me and then reported me to the police for the backlash he received from the people in town. Am I a victim of statutory rape, or should I try my best to forget it ever happened?

What counts as consent? Can you do something new without asking? Should you have a conversation about things like hair pulling/pushing/neck grabbing/fingers in mouth? Is it bad for a guy to just start doing new things like neck grabbing and fingers in mouth if you’re intimate without asking? I’d actually already said no to fingers before lol Is it wrong if you’re being fingered and are holding onto his arm and holding him back but not saying you don’t like it but that he should slow down but still having winces of pain Is it bad for a guy to move your hand onto his dick without asking Do you have to ask for hickeys

I had an epiphany the other night that I (34F) think I was, at the least, sexually assaulted years ago, almost nightly, by my (34M) husband. This began in 2014. We had just moved into a new house and were still in the "christen" all the rooms phase and everything was pretty fun.

I have a ton of chronic illnesses and unfortunately, trauma that's resulted from all the procedures that have gone wrong. Because of this, I have severe PTSD. Maybe six to nine months after moving in I had a big "flare" (I guess you call it?) of my PTSD. As always, most of my symptoms surrounded sleep due to nightmares/night terrors. I very frequently wake up with bloody finger nail scratches all over my face, like I'm trying to get a mask off in my sleep or something during these nightmares. And I just, generally don't feel super safe in bed.

During these "flares", I am obviously not really in the mood for sex. My husband has always been nothing but supportive and understanding. But I don't know if this dry spell took too long? Or it was the change from all the fun of the new house? But he really started to try and "gently initiate" sex. You know the kinda stuff. Spooning but rubbing a certain something up and down my ass or back. Kissing or rubbing my neck. It was always very playful? He'd sort of wrestle with me? Even though I'd say "not tonight," "I'm not feeling it tonight," or straight up "no " or "please stop."

Eventually it got to the point where I would give in a little. Maybe do some foreplay type stuff. And at that point it was every seven, ten days or so that this type of behavior would go on. I explained multiple times that I just needed a little bit of time to get my head on straight regarding my PTSD and then I'd be good to go, per usual. I expressed my extreme discomfort with his behavior and he was pretty mortified and immediately apologetic.

Well. This helped for a month. Then things went back to poking (literally...) and proding. But things became more regular and more insistent. Eventually we were having full blown sex. And the body physiologically reactacts so it's not as if I didn't enjoy it every time. Sort of a once I started, I was good to go situation? Most of the time. But there were just as many nights where I just sorta waited for it to be over so I could try to sleep.

The impetus to this post and my epiphany in general? I was just free journaling. Word vomit on paper. And I was writing about this. And I wrote the sentence "I have no idea how many times my 'no' resulted in your orgasm." Talk about an eye opener.

So I guess, any advice for someone who just realized that they may be a part of the sexual assault community; something I never really expected (not that anyone ever does.)

I was molested as a child by a family friend and it has completely skewed my perception of myself and my worth.

I have plenty of stories of this occurring as an adult, including public places like the gym, but most recently: I was walking my dogs and had a chat with a nice old man who I see often in the neighborhood. He asked if he could give me a hug to say hello, and I truly didn’t think anything of it. I gave him the ol’ side hug with barely any contact and he pulled me in and kissed me on my cheek near my lips. I still acted friendly and smiled and made up a reason I was in a hurry and walked home as fast as I could.

Why do I, or some abuse victims, not get angry or lash out at the person in the moment? I get so angry at myself after but in the moment, I freeze up.

It’s been 2 days and I am now finally crying..

(tw sh mentioned) I was raped a year ago and every time I stop repressing the memories and feelings I feel sick and disgusted. I now learned that the guy who did it lied to me and told me he was 16 when he was actually 19 at the time it happened and that he had a girlfriend and it has made everything harder. I don't want to cope with this anymore. My self worth is non-existent. I see myself as an object and think disgusting think all the time. I sexualize myself and just feel so so so disgusting and I don't feel like it will ever stop. After it happened I started sh ing and everything just feels worse. I feel his hands on me and percieve his scent at random times. I just feel really hopeless and feel like nobody will ever believe me if I tell them my story. I don't know what to do anymore

I was sexually assaulted by a marine, how do I report it directly to the USMC. Any help appreciated :)

Long story. This happened a few years ago, I have tried to pursue legal action, but first-hand witnessed the dismissal and refusal to believe victims of sexual assault by law enforcement. I’ve contacted lawyers, none of which I could either afford, or represent me. I’m wondering how I could report him directly to his base, and have an investigation started. I’m so sick and tired of him just living it up like nothing happened. He should NOT be a member of the armed forces. He will assault other women.

i was 17 at the time and i stupidly decided to meet up with this guy who i thought would allow me to get into this venue for a concert i really wanted to go to, it was 19+ and none of my friends at the time were older or even listened to the artist. he was 26 and we spent the day drinking and smoking and walking around the city until it was time to go, i didn't want to engage in anything with him but as the night came he started getting really touchy with me which made me extremely uncomfortable. come to find out i wasn't able to go in the venue bc it was 19+ only, even if u went with someone older. i wasn't expecting to see him again because i didn't want to but he made me hold on to some personal items before he went in because he didn't want to lose them.

the next day i was freaking out because i wanted to just block him and never speak to him again but i felt bad doing that and keeping his stuff, it felt like such a shitty thing to do. so we planned to see each other again only so i can give him his stuff back and leave. i met him in a park during the morning and did so, he bought me a bottle of alcohol so i drank some and he started getting touchy with me again, he made me sit on his lap which i really didn't want to do but did because i was scared and frozen, then he proceeded to kiss my neck and grind against me while going underneath my shirt and grabbing me all while being in a park in front of people. i was pretty tipsy at the time and i remember just sitting there like a rag doll, i didn't know what to do and i told myself i'll deal with it later and just checked out of reality for a bit. he kept calling himself daddy and making me call him that and i just wanted to die.

i've been sa'd before and a common theme is instantly freezing up and just letting it happen, i've never been able to say no or stand up for myself, no matter how many times i try hinting at being uncomfortable.

i've been overthinking about this for the longest now because i don't really think i've come to terms with it. i think the most guilt i feel is from the fact i was in a healthy relationship at the time, which i'm still in, but the thought that i cheated keeps running through my mind because what if i did? i didn't say no, i didn't prevent him from doing that, i just let it happen and told myself i'll deal with all these emotions later. i was uncomfortable and i hated every second of it but i can't stop bashing myself over and over and telling myself i don't deserve my partner because of what i did, even though there were times i silently tried hinting at not wanting to do anything.

i just don't know what to think of this. or if i'm an awful person to my partner. i would never do anything willingly with someone else, or actively seek it out. i would never try to jeopardize my relationship with him because i just love him too much. please someone help.

This isn’t a super intense experience like most of the posts here. I’ve just been struggling for a few days.

For context: 1. I have a long history of many SAs 2. I work with one male coworker alone at night. He knows I have a history of SA.

I was talking about people who don’t stop talking and can’t pick up on social cues when someone is trying to leave a conversation.

He says, “yeah, I created a term for that. I call those people convo rapists”.

I felt weird in my whole body. I’ve always struggled to say the word “rape”. It feels so heavy and makes what happened to real. The casual use by someone who has never experienced any sort of physical abuse was so jarring.

Along with the triggers around holidays, this happening has also thrown me off so much.

I feel so weak for being so triggered by something that seems so small. But I can’t stop being angry that someone could be so lacking in self awareness. It brought me back to wanting to escape my body and not even being able to stand the feeling of even my own touch on my skin.

Thank you to anyone who reads this for listening.

disclaimer!! thought maybe i should add this as it might be a trigger. (????) i was 14 when this all took place

im not really sure where to start. in the 9th grade, i was a shy people pleaser. i had never been in a real relationship before, or even had my first kiss. there was this guy in my gym class, and i really thought he was cute. we started talking, then he started getting really dry and i heard he told a friend he thought i was boring so i blocked him, then a month later he apologized, said he never said that, and a week after asked me to be his girlfriend. the thing that pisses me off the most is, i didnt even like him at first, but i was so scared and horrible at rejecting people so i said yes. our first hangout (where he asked me out) was at an arcade, where without even asking he kept trying to kiss me. i was so scared i felt nauseous. but i didnt say no and i didnt stop him. the night after he asked me out, he started sending me dick pics. but i didnt say no and i didnt stop him. in the first month of us dating, he started doing sexual things with me, and eventually went all the way. but guess what, i didnt say no and i didnt stop him. but i never said yes. sometimes i think, it was obvious he knew i was so shy and i couldn't stand up for myself, so part of me thinks he KNEW that and he used me, but another part of me thinks im just trying to salvage whatever self respect i have left. we dated for almost 2 months. i did more than probably most young adults in those two months. and no, ive never been proud of it. the most heartbreaking part is how he clearly never gave two shits about me, yet exactly 2 years later, this is still something that haunts me. he broke up with me, his reason? he felt like he was missing out and he wanted more options. a direct quote from him. but, either he didnt have the balls to break up with me or he knew exactly what he was doing the whole time, he said he wanted to take a break. and i liked him so much, so i waited like a dog for 6 months. thats pretty much the whole story but, here's some information i think is important thats totally optional to read as if this whole post isnt. he was a pro at loveboming . about a year later he sexually assaulted my friend. he claimed many times he was good at manipulating people. he had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship. (rest in peace nevaeh im so sorry.) he would beg for nudes constantly. the first time we ever did anything sexual, he took my hand and put it in his pants. im a horrible person for saying this, but i want to be able to say it was sexual assault so i can stop feeling so disgusted by myself. its selfish, and insensitive. but this haunts me almost every single day and i want it to stop. he very obviously used me, but ill never stop thinking if really im to blame. i dont need pity, i need to know if its fair to keep blaming him.

Fault* I 19F was repeatedly SAed from ages 14-17 by a person older than me. He was a close family relative and knew me since i as a child. I always thought he was a nice person as my family welcomed him .He was sweet to me and bought me sweets everytime he visited . I was maybe 12 when he began to compliment me which were i thought were normal like "you have pretty eyes" "you are beautiful". Then it started innocently with small gestures - holding my hand ,brushing my hair, giving me a piggy ride or carrying me.I didnt think much about it as i was young. Then it escalated and "it" began.I knew it was wrong and tried to resist but over time after months i stopped resisting and went along with it. At 17 i moved away for college away from him . I stopped seeing him but not a single day goes by when i dont think about what he did .I cant help but wonder -- was it my fault ? If i had resisted harder would he have left me. I blame myself because i gave in. Then I met my boyfriend who is very sweet.I shared about it to him after few months of dating.He assured me that none of it was my fault and i felt relieved at first but it didnt last long. I still struggle with immense guilt .I get nightmares about that person and how I "let it happen" and wish i was never touched.I keep thinking if this never happend i could have saved that part of myself for the person i truly love. PS -i grew up in a very strict and religious household where talking about sex sexuality are completely taboo .Women are blamed for being victims of assault.So i never felt i had a trusted figure .

I've submitted a request and it's been under review for months. I messaged the mods like it said I could but still nothing. I'm just tired of some of these disgusting dms I've been getting and want to be apart of a higher knit community. is there anything else I can do to join the private subreddit or do I just have to keep waiting?

I feel like I might be broken forever. A couple of years ago, I went through sa, and that's when I also "lost my virginity." A few months later, I met a really great guy, and we had sex a few times without any problems.

It wasn't until after things ended with that guy that I fully realized what had happened to me before I met him. I'd been trying so hard to convince myself it didn't really happen or it was somehow an accident, but once I realized what had happened I felt awful for months.

Since then, I haven't been able to let anyone new get close to me again. Now I've finally met a guy who makes me feel safe and we’ve met like four times and our dates have took like a whole day each. I was fine with him touching through my undies. But then yesterday I asked him to touch me under them and finger me for the first time. In the moment I felt really good and safe and nothing was wrong. But after and still now I feel really really really vulnerable and anxious that I asked him to touch me. And I keep thinking why did I ask him to do that and regret it even though it was really good and safe in the moment.

And I’m just wondering if I'll ever be able to just enjoy sex normaly again and if similar things happen to others too?

Me and my friend went to the movies and she started to get real close me I mean she rested her legs on top of my thighs and then after the movies she was hugging my arm. I told her it made me uncomfortable and that it annoyed me after our movie.

Was this SA? Or harassment?

I remember one time she also told me she was going to show me a trick she learned in jujitsu and told me to lay down and she got on top of me which was weird. I have a feeling she did that out of her own intent because why show me a move like that.