r/PregnancyAfterLoss • u/livingeternal • Nov 15 '24
Birth! After so much grief, my rainbow baby is here!
On Christmas Eve of last year, I was getting ready to visit our in-laws in a green and black Christmas dress (stretchy because I was 10 weeks pregnant). I went to the bathroom and found the tiniest bit of blood in my underwear and my heart jumped into my chest. Ten minutes later, I began having dull cramps, which soon turned into rhythmic contractions. I raced to the emergency room in tears, still hoping they would tell me I was being silly, the baby was fine. The ultrasound technician worked silently and I begged her to tell me if she could find a heartbeat. She told me I had to wait for the doctor to speak with me and asked if I wanted a pad for the bleeding. She knows my baby is gone. I waited alone in a cold ER cubicle next to Christmas Eve coeds drunk on eggnog and respitory infections, crying in my stupid Christmas dress that looked cruelly ironic in its festive cheer on a girl weeping over her lost baby.
Today I am holding my beautiful baby boy, born healthy and full of life at 39 weeks. For months, I could not acknowledge the pregnancy; I didn't visit baby subs, bought no maternity clothes, thought of no names. Every ultrasound, I felt myself exhale the moment the heartbeat jumped on the monitor; I didn't even realize I was holding my breath every time the doctor squeezed cold gel on my belly. The feeling never went away. Every time I asked the doctor is the baby okay?, she always looked confused like yes, he's fine. All the way through pregnancy, every kick, every pinch, every cramp sent me reeling. Even through the labor, I asked my nurse so many times what the baby's heart was doing on the monitor, she finally told me I needn't ask anymore, she would tell me if his heart changes.
The moment they put him on my chest, his tiny cry like a bird's, I finally exhaled like I hadn't taken a full breath in 9 months and kissed his face. I still think about my lost baby all the time, buried under a shady tree behind our home, and I still cry for her. I don't know why and I won't ever understand. But I loved her every moment and now hold her brother in my arms, and hope that someday I will get to meet her in heaven.
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u/No-Maybe-7487 1 MMC | 3 CP | DD Jan ‘25 🩵 Nov 16 '24
Congratulations! It’s reassuring for me to hear that while the pain of your loss isn’t gone, it’s manageable.
I’m currently 30W4D after four losses. Diagnosed with Marginal Cord Insertion so I feel anxious every day. Hoping that this baby arrives safely and I, too, can breathe a sigh of relief.
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u/redassaggiegirl17 Nov 16 '24
If it makes you feel any better, I had MCI with my first and he came out a healthy 8 lbs and 20 inches at exactly 39 weeks. There's an MCI support group on Facebook that posts success stories FREQUENTLY to show that it's not too scary of a diagnosis and normally has perfectly fine outcomes ❤️
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u/Mother-Oven4872 40/8wk MMC July '23 Nov 16 '24
Such a perfect way to put it.... "exhaled like I hadn't taken a full breath in 9 months." I pray I get to experience this in less than two months. Congratulations to you and your family ❤️
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u/Specialist_Bake032 Nov 16 '24
Congratulations!❤️❤️❤️ Your description of holding the breath every time the doctor squeezed the gel on your belly is so so relatable. Thank you for sharing hope with us!🫂
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u/electriclioness Nov 16 '24
This is beautiful, you're a great writer. I am so happy for you. Congratulations!
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u/Far_Type_8230 Nov 16 '24
This made me cry so much. Your writing is so beautiful and touching. It brought back a lot of emotions I felt during my loss as well. Congratulations ♥️
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u/scotchcatsandmusic Nov 16 '24
Congratulations to you and your family. ❤️❤️
I’m 38+3 right now after a miscarriage at 8 weeks. It was the most devastating thing to have happened to me. And like you, I was (am) so anxious this entire pregnancy.
Your story is beautiful and I can’t wait to hold my baby girl in my arms and know she’s safe.
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u/NurseR181 Nov 16 '24
This is me right now!!! I lost my baby at 10 weeks in may and I am currently 14+5 and everyday I worried and I am so scared to be excited. Everyone keeps telling me I need to enjoy the pregnancy because it’ll go by too fast but I’m struggling so much to do that :( so happy for you ❤️🥰
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u/lolanicoleblogs Nov 16 '24
Congratulations 🎉 I’m so happy for you. What you described about the pregnancy is exactly how I’m feeling now. I’m 14w2d today with our triple rainbow baby after a missed miscarriage and then the stillbirth of our baby girl and I’m scared daily. Constantly stressing about whether the pregnancy is progressing. Especially because it’s still a bit early for me to feel baby kicking especially with an anterior placenta. This gives me hope and I pray I can make it to delivery and have that huge breath of relief as well. ❤️
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u/katiegam Nov 16 '24
Congratulations, mama! I’m in week 24 after a loss at ten weeks, and I so, so understand how hard it is to embrace another pregnancy. We finally talked about names tonight, and I cried. Pregnancy amidst a background of previous loss is just so hard. I feel like I won’t be able to exhale until she’s in my arms. So excited for you! Thank you for sharing your story of hope and restoration!!
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u/master0jack Nov 16 '24
Congratulations 💓💓💓💓💓💓 You give me hope. I'm 4+4 with 2 losses under my belt (though none as far along as yours) and I feel like this entirely- I cannot relax at all, and I don't think I will be able to until they're in my arms. The difference this time is that I worked with a fertility specialist, I'm on medication, and things are already going better in terms of progression and numbers. It's all I can hold onto at the moment. Anyway, you give me so much hope. I am so so sorry for your loss, but so happy for you in this moment.
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u/kurious_cat2 Nov 16 '24
I am so happy for you! And wish you and your baby all the best and the best days yet to come! You spoke for so many of us when talking about how this pregnancy felt.. its seems I have written this. You are giving me hope! 15 weeks now and lost mine last may at 16wks..
Your baby angel watches over you! And knows you love her and always will! Take care…
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u/LopsidedMedicine5386 Nov 17 '24
Oh mama, congrats!!!!! This was beautifully written, and has me crying! I just found out I’m pregnant again after my MC and I’m feeling these feelings so hard. I’m absolutely terrified for my first ultrasound.
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u/legomama2911 Nov 17 '24
I cried reading this!!! This was so perfectly written. I went through a similar experience in the ER a few days after Halloween. 10 weeks pregnant begging the ultrasound tech in the ER to confirm a heartbeat. Sadly there was none and they wouldn’t tell me until the Dr had come to see me. It was heart breaking. I had my D&C last week. How long after your miscarriage did you guys try again? Did you wait for your period cycle to come or not? My OB recommended a 4 week wait to try again and I really can’t see myself waiting that long. I know I’m being impatient but after a loss like this I also just want to feel close to my husband. I’m so so happy for your family and rainbow baby. ❤️ I can’t wait for mine.
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u/ScoutieMagoo Nov 17 '24
I had a very similar experience to OP (spontaneous loss at 10 weeks on the eve of our wedding anniversary) and was able to conceive before having a period. I used ovulation test strips to see when we should be trying. It took about 4 weeks for me to ovulate. I’m breastfeeding our baby as I type this! 🥰
(Of course, every body is different and every pregnancy is different. But I know I found it comforting to hear from mothers who conceived quickly after loss. Sending you so much love.)
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u/livingeternal Nov 17 '24
I’m sorry for your loss. My OB told me to wait at least one cycle, so that’s what we did. We conceived that cycle and that baby is now here.
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u/legomama2911 Nov 17 '24
That gives me so much hope!!! I was still testing positive on my pregnancy tests for 48 hours after my D&C. I took a pregnancy test this morning to see if I’m finally testing negative and I am. I would think me testing negative means my hcg is balancing back out now. Just to see I tested an ovulation strip this morning and it shows I’m ovulating. I didn’t think that was possible for a few more weeks. Did it take a while for your one cycle to show?
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u/livingeternal Nov 18 '24
It only took a few weeks for my first cycle (fair warning: the first cycle following the miscarriage was my longest and most painful ever, so I’m glad I waited to get all of that “out” before trying again). I tested on HCG tests and ovulation tests after the miscarriage and the OPKs showed up positive after the HCGs were negative, but I learned that OPKs are sensitive to HCG, so they are unreliable shortly after a miscarriage unfortunately. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon!
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u/legomama2911 Nov 18 '24
Which HCG and ovulation tests did you use? I’m taking suggestions. 😂 I want to to be thorough this time but also don’t want to rush it with my healing down there. I’m still having some sensitivity and cramps. I’m so excited for when my rainbow baby comes. I love hearing the positive stories. ❤️
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u/Mama_andCubCo Nov 16 '24
This made my cry 🤍💛 Thank you, you've given me hope that I will one day meet another baby of mine. I have 2 children with the stars and I hope with everything I have that I get to officially meet them in Heaven. Congratulations, Mama! 🙏🏼💛
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u/Certain_Law_7090 MMC 07/23 Nov 16 '24
I feel like i could have written every single word of this! Except i don’t have the skills to express it so beautifully. I am in the exact same situation and can’t believe that all of this happened. The exhale after birth, i remember it perfectly and don’t think i’ll ever forget it. The fear at every scan, the constant questioning during pregnancy and labor and the disbelief that everything could just be “fine”. Thanks so much for putting these beautiful words out here and many many congratulations! Your text made me cry all the happy and sad tears and i’m so grateful for it 💜
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u/ozonelayerz Nov 16 '24
Love love! You will be tired, but all of this is worth it for the one true thing you’ve been waiting for.
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u/MelissaSDC13 Nov 20 '24
❤️❤️❤️ 28 weeks with my triple rainbow baby. Everything you mentioned resonates with me. Congrats on your baby boy💙
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u/Loose-Conference4447 Nov 16 '24
This touched me deeply. I'm so happy. You will meet your baby in heaven 💖
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u/editgamesleeprepeat Nov 16 '24
Goodness I felt this in my soul. Congratulations to you and your family. God bless.
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u/After_Rain_0509 Nov 16 '24
Congratulations!!! Your story is so inspiring ❤️ 💖 💗 I'm so happy for you and your family, you did it mama!
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u/ninoobz 35 | FTM | 3MCs | 2FETS❌️❌️ | DD Mid May? Nov 16 '24
Congratulations! You are going to have the best Christmas holidays from now on, so happy for you! ❤️
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u/mdwc2014 Nov 16 '24
I am so happy for you! I also lost one at 20 months, and think of her frequently still. My rainbow baby arrived after and brings so much joy to our our lives.
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u/40-before-40 1 LC | MMC 17/5/22 | 🌈 EDD 9/5/25 Nov 16 '24
Congratulations! I think so many of us here can relate to the feelings you described. I'm so happy for you!
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u/Successful-Jelly-236 Nov 18 '24
I am so happy for you! I’m 35w with our rainbow babe after going through a miscarriage at 9weeks just after new years and it was heartbreaking. I can’t wait to hold our little boy safe in my arms! I have been a lot like you and found it very hard to get excited and believe it was real but we are almost there!!!
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u/AccomplishedAd8389 Nov 18 '24
My rainbow baby is 1 weeks old today! Congrats! I read the book spirit babies and it was very healing to me after my miscarriage. Now I am at peace with it. That being said it was a terrible time in my life.
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u/IngenuityVarious8681 Nov 19 '24
Your story made me teary. Thank you for sharing. Hope the little one is doing well too 🥹
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u/TaroEffective7761 Nov 19 '24
Sending you the biggest congrats ❤️ I’m so glad you’ve gotten your rainbow 🌈
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u/Dazzling_Awareness46 Nov 16 '24
So happy for you. For the past two christmases I’ve cried my eyes out and couldn’t even attend family functions. Next Christmas I’ll have a 7 month old.