r/PregnancyAfterLoss • u/AutoModerator • Apr 08 '24
AskAlumni Ask an Alumni - April 08, 2024
This weekly Monday thread is for members to ask questions of ttcal Alumni (members who are currently pregnant after loss or who have had a pregnancy after loss that resulted in a living child).
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Apr 09 '24
[deleted]
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u/yes_please_ 🌈 22 🌈 23 🩵 24 Apr 09 '24
It's harder but it's stronger IMO. Last night I sang to my baby while they kicked the shit out of me and I was laughing so hard. When times are tough I try to imagine the immense gratitude I'll feel when I hear that first cry.
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u/ScoutNoodle 1 MC, 1 ectopic, 1 LC Apr 09 '24 edited Apr 09 '24
I often find myself thinking that two things can be true - you can feel joy for the new pregnancy, while also feeling sorrow for the lost pregnancies. ❤️
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u/something_human1 Apr 09 '24
Great way to say this <3 I'm learning this in real time, grief and happiness can coexist!
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u/ohheyyall23 Apr 09 '24
Yes absolutely and I never thought I would. There was lots of anxiety as well but every single kick in the ribs was pure joy for me
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u/BpositiveItWorks Apr 10 '24
In the beginning of my pregnancy it felt impossible and I felt bitter about what I had been through in the past that led to my lack of joy.
But with every week it and with every milestone (getting to 2nd trimester, successful ultrasounds, feeling her kick, getting to third trimester etc.), I felt more and more joy.
Now I’m 35 weeks and while I’m still nervous, I was able to register and today I had a baby shower where I cried happy tears. My baby was kicking the whole time as I opened everyone’s gifts for her.
If you can find the space to allow yourself to let go of some of the hurt, you will make more space to let the joy in. It’s no easy task, but there is room for both.
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u/seltzerwithlemon Apr 10 '24
Yes. I am still in the very early days of my second pregnancy (7w4), after losing my first in September.
When I went through my loss, I thought it would mean never feeling ease, calm, hope, or joy in relation to pregnancy again. I thought I’d been robbed of those feelings and would only feel anxiety and fear if I was ever pregnant again.
While anxiety and fear are inevitably part of what PAL feels like, I have been amazed at how much joy I’ve also felt. Knowing that the worst can truly happen, and that there is nothing I can really do to guide the outcome of this pregnancy, has oddly liberated me to feel joy with each day I have with this possible child. I know that each day is all I have, all anyone has. And while I definitely spiral and find myself full of nerves and crazy doomsday scenarios and ill-advised Google searches, I also find myself having moments where I am grateful, peaceful, and just plain happy.
I had no idea that would be possible. Wishing you peace and joy to come.
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u/OodameiRose Apr 11 '24
Yes! I'm not going to say it won't be difficult... You'll be anxious and hyper vigilant to any and all symptoms and movements... But the joy and relief will be great after every positive scan and every heartbeat on the monitor. I always loved being pregnant, before and after my loss. It was just different
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u/Mtnsarecalling832 Apr 10 '24
I feel like I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. After three losses (all seemingly unrelated, told we truly just had bad luck), I keep just like waiting to hear “the growth has stopped, “ or “there’s no heartbeat”. Everything is looking normal and healthy so far and I’m at 8 weeks and so thankful. It feels impossible to expect a positive outcome when I haven’t had one yet. I also have really difficult pregnancies with probable HG every time, which makes it son much harder. I have to remind myself daily new sperm new egg, different pregnancy, but just can’t help but expect something bad will happen. I know this is normal and how could it not be after several losses? I am normally a very positive person, but this is definitely challenging! Would love any advice or tips. I have seen a therapist in the past for years, but to be honest it’s not that helpful for this specifically (for me).
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u/tinydancer18753 Apr 13 '24
Firstly, so sorry for your losses. I had three back to back miscarriages over the course of about one year and then had a healthy pregnancy that gave way to my beautiful 11 month old. It is so hard. Give yourself the space to feel all the feelings. It does get easier the farther along you get. But I was waiting for the other shoe to drop the entire time until I held her in my arms. Take every day as it comes. I switched therapists during my fertility journey and looked explicitly for someone that had experience with repeat pregnancy losses and fertility issues. Our specific breed of pain is so unique. Having a therapist with experience in this vain was really helpful. Hang in there. sending love
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u/Mtnsarecalling832 Apr 14 '24
Thank you so much you kind soul. It is so helpful to hear your experience and that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Honestly just that alone makes me feel better. I’m so sorry for how much loss you went through as well, and genuinely so happy you have a beautiful baby now- it truly gives me so much hope. That’s a great tip to find a pregnancy loss specific therapist. I really appreciate your words and will make sure to pass it on one day (fingers crossed!)
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u/LuckyEclectic SB 2/24🩵|🌈due 3/25💙 Apr 10 '24
Hi 🤍 how did some of you approach the excitement of trying again while managing any feelings of guilt from moving on? We just lost our son (still born at 22 weeks) in February and talk about ttc this summer. We don’t have any LC and want to be parents and raise children so deeply. We love the son we lost so much and it’s almost hard to think about the next baby without feeling guilty! I feel guilty to “move on” too quickly, but I also feel guilty about raising the next child in any kind of shadow from their older brother. We’re going to grief therapy and plan on talking about this exact thing but I want to hear how other moms or dads have handled the balance of joy of a new pregnancy with the grief of the lost child and guilt from moving on. 🩵🌈
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u/Muted-Succotash9366 Apr 09 '24
had my first d&c last week. please let me know how quickly you got pregnant after 💔
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u/eattacosforbreakfast Apr 09 '24
I’m so sorry for your loss. For me it took another 2.5 years, but for many people it happens way quicker. Sending healing thoughts your way
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u/Meagant334 Apr 09 '24
I’m sorry. I’ve had a total of 2 d&c and one d&e and after each I was able to get pregnant again with two months. Wishing you all the baby dust ❤️
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u/Careful_Painting_166 MMC 12w 4/23, MMC 12w 8/23, due 8/24 Apr 09 '24
Had two in the last year, am 22w pregnant now. I got pregnant on the first cycles I tried all three times but I waited a bit each time.
First positive February 17, 2023
D&C April 21, 2023 -> positive pregnancy test June 14, 2023
D&E August 18, 2023 -> positive pregnancy test December 8, 2023 (still pregnant now, due in August)1
u/IceBig6249 Apr 10 '24
I got pregnant on my second cycle! D&C in December and positive pregnancy test 4/1, but may miscarry again :/
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u/IceBig6249 Apr 11 '24
I am in the exact same boat as you. Had a D&C in December and a positive test 4/1, but I had an hcg doubling time of 62 hours between my first and second draw so not feeling good about things.
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u/seltzerwithlemon Apr 10 '24
I’m so sorry for your loss. I waited one cycle after my D&C before trying, then conceived on my fifth cycle of trying.
Wishing you peace, and your rainbow soon.
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u/Decent_Wallaby9256 Apr 10 '24
2 cycles for me. I know exactly how you’re feeling. Do something you enjoy today even if it’s small like drinking coffee on the couch. I was in a zombie state the first month after mine
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u/Muted-Succotash9366 Apr 10 '24
I just found out it was a partial molar also. just fucking sad
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u/itsizzyb Apr 10 '24
I'm so sorry. This may seem insensitive to say now but o read the chances of that happening a second time are incredibly low. ❤️
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u/Muted-Succotash9366 Apr 10 '24
not insensitive at all! hoping that’s what pulls me through and no cancer
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u/itsizzyb Apr 10 '24
That's great news. The silver linings really help me through. So I point them out whenever I can
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u/K_Mar10 Apr 10 '24
Baby stopped developing at 7w2d (MMC). It was my first ever pregnancy. 32 yo. I had a D&C Feb 17, 2024. I used ovulation strips and pregnancy tests to track my HCG down to zero. I continued to use ovulation tests everyday knowing that my ovulation could be off after the D&C. Sure enough, I tested positive for ovulation on March 3 and 4. Had unprotected sex March 3, 4, and 5. I am now 7w2d 🤞
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u/easypeasylucky Apr 10 '24
I’m already preparing for my next pregnancy. My baby was conceived naturally but only lived for 41 days in the NICU. My pregnancy was so hard. I already got a TAC for my incompetent cervix and am now receiving reproductive immunology treatment. Is it really possible to have an uneventful pregnancy after a complicated one and a NICU loss? Looking for stories to reframe my perspective.
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u/noyeahtotallyok Apr 10 '24
I had 22 week twins in 2021, who both passed after 4 days in the nicu. I just had my rainbow baby in January, a completely uneventful pregnancy 💕 it is possible!
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u/easypeasylucky Apr 10 '24
Sorry to hear about the loss of your babies. But thank you for sharing your story. Gives me so much hope.
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u/futuremom92 Apr 10 '24
Anyone take longer than 4 months to conceive after a loss? My MC was in early December. Have had 4 cycles since, although I probably didn’t ovulate the cycle right after (no LH surge, no temp shift). I’ve had nothing except for an extremely early CP at the end of February where HCG didn’t even get over 10.
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u/biorose_316 MMC 7/22 & 5/23 | EDD June 2024 Apr 10 '24
After my first loss it took 8 cycles to conceive again and after my second loss, it took 4 cycles.
After my second loss my OB ordered a miscarriage panel and I was put on low dose aspirin for a potential clotting disorder, so that might have helped reduce the second ttc window. Maybe it's worth asking about!
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u/archie_nemesis Apr 11 '24
It took me 7 months. I wasn’t ovulating, so my doctor put me on metformin and that did the trick! I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant.
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u/frenchdresses Apr 12 '24
Took 8 months each time, and ended up having to do IVF because subsequent pregnancies were also losses
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u/stephylee266 Apr 13 '24
I had two chemical pregnancies before I finally got an HCG over 200. It was 6 months between the first and second ones and almost a year exactly between the 2nd one and pregnancy that resulted in my one and only live birth out of a minimum of 4 (known) pregnancies. My son is 16 months now.
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u/Acrobatic-Season-770 Apr 14 '24
Any tips on stopping intrusive thoughts that creep in during PAL? Physical symptoms havent been that bad at all, all things considered, esp compared to the mental and emotional anguish dealing with guilt and anxiety during PAL
Will take any tips and tricks on keeping the negative intrusive thoughts at bay
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u/godsavebetty TFMR May 2022, grad July 2023 Apr 15 '24
The intrusive thoughts are so hard to deal with. I reminded myself constantly that the odds of a success were higher than the odds of a loss, and as time went on the odds of success were even higher. Also, and this isn’t for everyone, but I got a Doppler and from about 12 weeks on I was able to find the heartbeat and reassure my anxious brain. Its a double edged sword though bc sometimes it can be difficult to find, which can cause more anxiety, so I wouldn’t recommend it if you think you’d spiral from not finding the heartbeat right away. Good luck 🤍
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u/Impressive_Science69 Apr 09 '24
is anxiety about your baby not having a heartbeat normal after having a loss? i had a stillborn baby girl around 28 weeks. i’m now 8 weeks pregnant and have constant anxiety of miscarriage or going into the OB and the baby not having a heartbeat.