r/NewParents • u/AutoModerator • Jul 23 '24
Weekly Discussion Weekly Discussion - Relationships
Welcome to the Weekly Discussion! Use this space to vent/rant about partners/family members & to air your grievances! Please report comments that violate the rules.
Please remember Rule 1 still applies: No Personal attacks, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, derogatory or dehumanizing language, including insults and general incivility
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Jul 25 '24 edited Oct 15 '24
[deleted]
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u/P1XALATE Jul 25 '24
I think 40 days away from the father is too much when she's that young. Bounding will be harder, its already harder for men to connect with baby's so it will be even more harder when you really haven't seen each other for a long time. Also 4m is like the best time for milestones, usually its around that time when they start laughing, BIG loving smiles, recognizing their name, parents faces from away, sitting, and starting to form babbles which seems like they're talking right back to you! 😊
My 5m has this aunty she loves to hang out with, but when the aunty is gone for a week and then comes back, my baby forgets who she is and stoic. So i would definitely worry for even a week being away, cause parental bonding is way more important then extended family.
I would communicate to your wife about the milestones you would be missing, and how deeply your bonding with the baby will suffer from being away. I would also add on that seeing her family doesn't have to be off the table but maybe wait for a bit when she gets older, or somewhere the time being away isn't more then a week without seeing father.
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u/Next-Bridge-5657 Jul 27 '24
Ouch… I’m the mom and we also have a 2 month baby girl. I would hate for my husband to not be with her for that long! And I know my husband would feel the same as you. I agree that there is so much bonding happening, and well, does this separation NEED to happen? I understand that being alone with the baby all day is hard, but is there no other way? Can her parents come stay with you?
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u/Hour_Statistician_50 Jul 23 '24
Anyone else get a little annoyed with the way their partner 'baby talks'?
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u/HaliAnna Jul 24 '24
Every time some does that to my son I correct them and say we don't baby talk with him thanks. Sometimes they get offended 😂
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u/anangelsfangs Aug 10 '24
reposting here i am disturbed beyond comprehension right now
i didn’t know who else to turn to because i feel embarrassed to go to my own mother or mother in law.
i’m not coming on here to vent just to be shamed or insulted so if you have nothing helpful to input please move along.
i’ve always had a very intimidate, passionate sex life with my fiance but this goes beyond all my boundaries and morals.. i’m not ashamed to say i’ve had sex with lo in the same room only when she’s sound asleep and put away in her bassinet because she’s so young and i’m not going to put her somewhere where she’s not in earshot. but basically, back to the reason of my post..
i was bent over while changing her on the couch and i was only in panties and a tee shirt because i’ve been so lazy recently because of how exhausted i have been with taking care of my baby. well, my fiance comes up behind me and he’s told me how much me in panties turns him on but i never expected it to turn him into a literal animal, he was pulling them slightly and started humping me and i thought he was just being playful and i was telling him not right now but he pulled my panties aside and literally just rammed it in while my hands were planted on both sides of her with her right below me!mind you im still sensitive and not only did it hurt, but it felt so fucking invasive as me in panties is not an invitation to take what he wants whenever he sees fit. especially when i’m changing my baby!! i gasped and tried moving forward to get him out of me and he pulled me back extremely aggressively and kept pounding me until i literally had to shove him off of me and said can’t we continue this later?!!! i was and am so upset but i didn’t want to say much more right then and there and upset my baby who was right below me still in the process of being changed with an open diaper. i love him so much but i don’t know how to approach him about it or how to even begin to start to talk about it because i feel so uncomfortable. so i figured id come here to collect my thoughts and hear sound advice on what to do or say going forward. i will not be treated like a sex doll or be used for his sexual desires when i’m in the midst of taking care of my baby!
and something similar happened last night as well, but there was no penetration thank god. i was standing and trying to rock her to sleep and he started fiddling with my panties and i told him to knock it off im literally holding the baby so he backed away. tonight was different though and without warning and i feel so disgusted. please, any advice from anyone is warranted and welcomed. he has been drinking a lot recently so i don’t know if this is a factor, but it is never an excuse to do what he’s done the past 2 nights. i feel so sick to my stomach and i want to cry while holding her right now but im trying to be strong for her to not upset my precious girl.
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u/selkiezz Aug 10 '24
He raped you. You need to file a police report and leave him and go somewhere safe with you and your little girl. What he did is repulsive and there's no excuse for it. Please listen to what people are telling you. You need to go ASAP. He tried to rape you again last night and he will continue this behavior.
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u/HaliAnna Jul 24 '24
Long story, but i need some advice. So little background, my mom, my older sisters, and myself have an incredibly rocky relationship. We keep things to a "how's the weather" level of conversation because I DO NOT get along with them because they always disrespect my boundaries for everything. This is true with my parenting. I have a 20 month old son and he doesn't see my family often because of this.
I've been teaching him with some Montessori methods, I'm too poor to get the whole Montessori home set up, but the principles are what I work on. Right now, he's showing an interest in food and the kitchen so I've been encouraging it. He helps me in his little stand that puts him at counter top height, we're no where ready for knives, but he helps.me put ingredients into pans or pots ans helps me stir. He loves it. He knows the stove is hot, he holds his hand above it and says "hot!" And then snatches his hand back. I agree and praise him for being careful and always remind him we don't touch the hot parts.
When he was 8 months old, he got a severe burn on his finger from my coffee that required surgery. He's totally fine now, but maybe that's why my family reacted the way they did. I sent a picture tonight of him helping me make spaghetti. I was right next to him, and the picture is him stirring the noodles. Yes, he's next to the stove, but constantly supervised and I'm always DIRECTLY IN FRONT, not HIM.
They go off saying that he's in extreme danger, that anyone else would call CPS and I'd never see my son again for endangering him. "This is all said from a place of love" like sure ok but telling me I'm a horirble parent and that CPS is going to take my kid from me is a bit extreme for disagreeing with me "lovingly". I'm not a fucking monster, I am actively TRYING to teach him safety. There's so many studies that say safe exposure keeps kids safer than always saying "don't touch that" so what the actual fuck?
They did this when I'd send pictures of him with baby led weaning portions of food saying he's too little and he'll choke and die even AFTER I explained I talked to his pediatrician about safe methods and did the research. They did this when I chose not put him in shoes because it's better for foot development and they said it was neglectful to not make him wear shoes.
My mom is in her 60s, my older sisters are in their late 40s, is this a generational thing? Am I really in the wrong here by letting him stir fucking noodles on a stove? I just want some neutral perspectives from people that don't know any of us to help me weigh in.
I don't think I'm a bad parent, I read parenting articles all the time for childhood development and I talk to his doctor and I feel like I do my best. I'd like some unbiased opinions if anybody made it this far.
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 24 '24
Some of the disapproval may be generational, but it goes way beyond that. If your family members just were worrying about safety unnecessarily and making passive aggressive comments, you could just chalk that up to inflexibility and anxiety from people who mean well.
But people who mean well don't tell you your baby is going to choke and die or threaten to report you to child services.(unless something extremely unsafe is going on)
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u/HaliAnna Jul 24 '24 edited Jul 24 '24
I mean I don't do anything without talking to his pediatrician first. I read articles all the time about the different things I try and I only do things that I feel comfortable with. I dont think I'm doing anything dangerous, I just do it differently. Had they said "that looks unsafe, should he be that close?" I absolutely would have had the conversation with them about how we've been doing the Montessori kitchen activities to get him used to the kitchen for literal MONTHS. It's not like yesterday was his first time around the stove and I thought it was a good idea.
And with the choking thing, that was the first time I got those comments from them so I took the time to explain baby led weaning and the benefits and even sent one of the articles I read that showed how to prepare food safely and even after that the comments didn't stop. So at this point I've stopped explaining myself because they won't listen.
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 24 '24
Yeah, because I don't think they are actually concerned about the baby. It sounds like they just want to make you feel terrible. It's hard to understand why they would want to do that, but it's probably not something that's going to change. I'm sorry, though, that sucks.
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u/HaliAnna Jul 24 '24
That's honestly what it feels like. I just wanted some internet opinions because even still this morning I'm really upset by it. Like wtf who does that???
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 24 '24
You're not a bad parent. You know your kid best. You know what his capabilities are, and it sounds like you always make sure he is directly supervised and implement safety precautions with an adult between him and the stove. My son is 18 months old, and I'm keen on following a similar philosophy, but I know he's not quite ready yet for preparing food, so we're focusing on climbing up the stool safely. I think most parents are aware of their child's limits and err on the side of caution (like how you haven't started on using knives yet).
I think some of the stuff is generational. The shoes thing reminds me of boomers telling us to put socks on our babies in the heat of summer. The rest of it just comes down to differences in parenting styles. People are always gonna judge. It just sucks when it's from people who are meant to care for you. I'd probably stop sharing as much content with them because I'm not a fan of excess negativity but you've gotta do what works for your family.
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u/HaliAnna Jul 24 '24
I appreciate it. The climbing thing is a fun lesson and once they figure it out they climb on everything!
I hardly share anything as it is and this is exactly why. It's been months since I've shared a picture. It juat really hurt this time and I've been balling about it since because like wtf that went from 0-100 fucking quick.
I appreciate your comment, it helps a lot. I forget that because I purposely don't share much, they're nit aware of what hw can and can't do. Even my mother in law in her 70s has commented positively about how much he likes helping in the kitchen already. She's not as comfortable with letting him help her and I'm totally fine, she doesn't have to. I just don't get why my family have to be so hostile.
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 24 '24
Some people just have to put a negative spin on everything. I'm not sure why. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. I hate it, though. It's the last thing new parents need. Hang in there. You sound like you're doing an amazing job 👏
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u/HaliAnna Jul 24 '24
Thanks, I really appreciate it. Good luck with the climbing, those little stools can be tricky at first but my son LOVES his.
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u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets Jul 25 '24
Let me start out by saying that we live under the same roof, but aren’t together and sleep separately. This is our first baby. Neither of us have any kids with other people.
My son’s dad (my ex boyfriend) and his family are going to get together and play video games all night this weekend. He continually asks me if he can bring our son. He is only 7 weeks old and therefore not immunized yet. He is breastfed (though I pump and use a bottle once a day to add his vitamin D drops), and was hospitalized once already due to not gaining back to birthweight in a timely manner which of course adds to my anxiety.
I am NOT an overproducer so I only have about 9 bags of frozen milk thus far and he has used some while I do little things like shower even though l’d ask him to just tell me if he seems hungry so that I could feed him myself.
I get along great with his family. I even suggested that he take me and I will sit off in a separate room to care for our son the whole time while they play rock band. He’s mad at me and thinks I’m being unreasonable. He says his dad doesn’t like that he hasn’t seen our son so much even though I said he can come over to see him anytime. I’ve expressed that our baby won’t even understand that he is a separate entity from me until he is 6-9 months, but nothing helps.
Can anyone help me not feel so crazy? Can other new dads chime in and perhaps give me some perspective/ advice?
Please and thank you
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 25 '24
I'm not a dad, but it sounds like a complex living situation, and maybe dad is feeling like you don't trust him or think he's capable of caring for your baby overnight? In saying that, I personally think that it's too soon for a 7 week old to be separated from mom overnight and in a separate house. Especially if you're breastfeeding. So, I think a compromise is entirely fair. I would feel more comfortable tagging along and letting dad do his thing and just have him bring you baby for a feed and some cuddles. Could you perhaps suggest something like that instead?
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u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets Jul 25 '24
Thank you! I did suggest that I tagged along but he wants it to be a boys night it seems. I told him I wouldn’t even be in the room that they’re going to be playing in and he still doesn’t like the idea. I know that he and I aren’t always going to see eye-to-eye on every single thing. I just wish he could understand.
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 25 '24
Could you start slow and gradually build solo time up? Like dad can take him while you pop out to the store or to grab a coffee. Or dad takes him to visit family for a couple hours, then brings him home. Maybe that would afford some of the 1:1 time that he's seeking? It's definitely a tricky situation, but finding some common ground is going to be essential here.
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u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets Jul 25 '24
Yes! I do grocery shopping and take about 2-3 hours (baby eats every 3 hours or so) where I walk to and from the store. Last time I took less than two hours and my ex threatened to take one of the bags of milk to feed our son. I RAN home with the groceries. I’m okay with dad taking him where it’s just the two of them, but that’s when I’m an earshot away. If he were to leave with him, he will be gone all day and night in which case he’d take 3 or 4 bags of milk.
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 25 '24
Okay, so you both definitely need to be on the same page. I think the point is that you're not comfortable with him being away from you for more than a few hours, and honestly, that's fair enough at 7 weeks old, especially when you're breastfeeding.
I guess looking at things from dad's perspective, there's not a lot that he can do if he thinks baby is hungry aside from use one of your freezer bags, so it's a bit of a tricky situation.
I'm not sure what the answer is, but you're definitely not being an asshole here. I think it's just a bit of trial and error and being realistic about the situation given your baby is 7 weeks old. He'll be able to spend more 1:1 time with your baby once he gets older, but for now, it'll likely be in small chunks unless you're nearby.
All the best, hey. Co-parenting isn't easy and it sounds like you're doing a great job.
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u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets Jul 25 '24
Thank you so much! 🥹 I needed that far more than you know. I appreciate your input. I definitely want to be reasonable and avoid argument. I’m glad to know I’m not in the wrong. Thanks again!
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 25 '24
Yeah, I agree. It's really stressful to be in charge of a baby, but not be able to feed them if you think they are hungry. He might have been wrong, but that's sort of an occupational hazard. You can really only figure out the cues by trial and error. If he has to call you back if he thinks the baby is hungry that adds an extra level of stress.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Fig574 Jul 25 '24
I can see myself reacting the same way you are. I think it's hard on both momma and baby to be away from each other for too long especially when nursing. When the baby gets older I see this being easier. Plan some family get-togethers for his side of the family more. Invite to dinner or even outings rather than an all-nighter.
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u/P1XALATE Jul 25 '24 edited Jul 27 '24
I think the newborn desires outweigh the dads. The baby wouldn't feel comfortable away from their mother when they're that young. The connection from baby and mother is very serious, it brings comfort and reassurance, which they really need at that age.
My 5m loves her papa, always wants to be around her papa, but when she's upset or in pain, she wants me, her mama to comfort her. There's no one that could replace a mother.
I would put my foot down, and say, you either let me come, or both of us(you and the baby) will not come. You're not crazy, i think the father isn't taking into consideration of what the baby would want and is thinking about himself. I also think taking away the newborn from the mother for the whole night to play video games is ridicules. It sounds like he wants to boast and show off the baby. I'm more worried about how attentive could he be if he plans on hanging out and playing video games while watching a newborn?
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u/kamiano Jul 25 '24
How do you all deal with the backhanded comments and overbearing feelings from Grandparents?
We have a 6 week old daughter and are absolutely loving it.
Literally the only stress that me and my wife have had since she gave birth is dealing with both of our parents.
Anytime we talk about things we are excited about we get told things like “ohh just wait till this stage.. they’ll give you hell” and then also, “lets us babysit alone while you rest” right after lol.
I’ve been so filled with a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment since having our child. And now because of these comments from our parents and just the general environment they create when they are around has brought out a deeper sense of anger now too.
What do you do about these things?
Do we communicate how we feel/what we would need if they want to be around our child more?
Or just set boundaries and not give them the around the clock access they want if they aren’t able to work on things with us..
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u/smittykittytreefitty Jul 25 '24
I also struggle with overbearing grandparents as you can see from my post on this thread lol. It's really hard because you know your parents mean well but it feels like they always see the worst in everything. I've done my best to communicate with my mother about how her comments make me feel and to set boundaries because I'm very direct as a person, but she definitely gets prickly when I say anything. Like any push back at ALL will get her annoyed. I don't know if that is a general grandparent thing or an issue with my mom specifically.
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u/kamiano Jul 26 '24
Ugh yeah when I try to communicate I get “everyone’s against me” from my mom and “you think we don’t remember how to watch a baby?” From my dad.
I feel like it’s a generational thing. Like I know all parents in the past have had troubles with grandparents. But I feel like because therapy and learning how to communicate from a professional was very stigmatized in their generations. And our generation opened the flood gates of making it acceptable to go and learn about being a better person. Idk just a thought.
I’ve been reading a book called “adult children of emotionally immature parents” to try to get some help.. only on the part that identifies it. Gotta read further to the solutions lol.
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u/ocelot1066 Jul 25 '24
It's a little hard to tell from this what exactly is irritating you so much. The kind of comments you describe are pretty standard things people say. "Oh, just wait till he's two, they aren't so sweet then." I can see how it could be annoying to you, but its the kind of thing people say when they are just trying to make conversation or be funny. Unless there's more to it, I don't think they are trying to undermine your happiness or anything.
I guess I'd have to know more about the general environment they create to have a better sense of what this is about.
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u/AdventurousTax8846 Jul 26 '24
Seeking others perspectives…
First-time mom here. My husband and I worked hard to build a good foundation financially before having children. Now our first is here and we both decided it would be best for our family for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Truthfully, I’ve always loved the idea of being a stay-at-home mom and am very grateful to have the opportunity to stay home and care for our baby.
My baby is exclusively breast-fed, so anywhere I go she goes. I don’t mind it one bit. I actually prefer it this way. However, my mother believes that it is weird and not normal that my baby is four months old and has never gone without me for more than an hour. She has mentioned this a lot recently.
I don’t see it as an issue. It hasn’t affected my relationship with my husband, my life with my friends, or my ability to get things done outside of our home.
For additional information, I am the first and only mother she’s ever known personally who is a stay-at-home mom with an exclusively breast-fed baby.
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u/Plsbeniceorillcry Jul 26 '24
It's one thing for your mother to ask, but to bring it up repeatedly and act like it's weird or not normal makes me think she just wants time alone with the baby. That's all fine and dandy *if* the parents are comfortable with it. The more she pushes, the less comfortable I'd be with it too tbh lol.
I don't think it's a bad idea for baby to get used to being without mom for more than an hour or two, but again that's your personal choice and you shouldn't be shamed into it. It's definitely possible to do if you pump/haakaa a bottle of milk. I always liked to have some time to myself, but I know for some moms that gives them a lot of anxiety which is understandable.
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u/AdventurousTax8846 Jul 27 '24
My mother has a room in my home as well as both of my siblings’ homes that live near me, but she primarily lives with me and my family. She gets lots of time with the baby, albeit she's not completely alone with her as I am at the house too.
My mother has physical health issues and struggles with anxiety. Baby is teething now and gets pretty fussy. When she is having fits, it triggers my mother’s anxiety and she starts crying as well. I don't blame my mother for her response to the crying as she has been through a lot of trauma in her life and has anxiety now. Though, because of this, I don't feel comfortable leaving the baby alone with my mom for long periods of time. It wouldn't be good for her or the baby I believe.
I feel that when the baby gets older, it will be easier to spend longer times away from her since her feedings will be spaced out more with her also eating solid foods. We just don’t want to rush to that, since we know the baby stage is over so quickly!
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u/mayfairasswhacker Jul 29 '24
My partner was great before baby
But now that we have an infant, I noticed his fuse is so short. Like this evening, I asked him to bottle feed our son (4mo) while I pumped milk. It takes me at least 20 minutes to pump and around 10 minutes to wash the bottles. Our son fell asleep with him, so after pumping, I thought I’d take advantage of eating supper before I take him.
Now, my partner worked all day (he works from home) and he spends a few minutes here and there helping me with the baby whenever I need to use the bathroom or eat during the day. But after his shift, he was just browsing on the internet instead of doing stuff around the house (understandable as that’s his way to destress).
So after I have pumped the milk, he tried to put the baby down on the bed because he said he was hungry too, and ofc, our baby started crying. I told him that he could’ve waited for me to finish eating supper while taking the baby from him, which got him upset. Me and baby went to the bedroom, then he went to the kitchen and banged the counter. I’m not scared, just irritated that he would do that. And it’s not the first time he has done that since we had the baby. He’d hit or throw something really hard when he gets upset with me or stressed with the baby. We used to communicate well, but now, he’s just very defensive about everything. I feel like he has developed an anger problem now that we have a child. He was the most patient and understanding man I knew before baby, which was why I agreed to have a child with him because I thought he’d be a great dad, and he is, but I think the stress is getting to him. Idk if I want advice or I just needed to vent, but I’m so upset (and hangry because he didn’t let me eat before I started breastfeeding).
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 30 '24
I feel like he has developed an anger problem now that we have a child.
I think you've summed it up. It's normal to get frustrated when you're a parent to a young baby. Life is stressful. You're tired. You don't get time to eat or do much for yourself. It's really hard. But, you also need to learn how to regulate your own emotions. It sounds like he needs some coping strategies for dealing with his anger and frustration. There's no harm in admitting that. The important thing is that he acknowledges that he has a problem and makes an effort to address this.
It's not acceptable to throw/hit objects around you or the baby.
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u/TreesCanTalk Jul 29 '24
Partner telling me to hurry up while I’m doing things like using the bathroom/showering.
My partner will often times (rudely-he says he’s not yelling/being rude but it feels like he is) tell me to hurry up when I’m using the bathroom/showering/doing self care and it’s really stressful. I already have to ask him to hold the baby so I can do these things and am going as fast as I can in the first place. It’s not like I’m taking my sweet time. I’ll literally not in even 5 mins in and he’s already telling me to hurry up. My second postpartum shower he came in and told me to hurry up bc I’d been in there for 40 mins but I looked at the clock and it had only been 10. It’s so stressful and honestly feels unfair bc he gets to take his time in the bathroom.
He also will rush me when I’m breastfeeding the baby or tell me to set him down so I can do something/help him with something. He seems annoyed with me feeding the baby and has made comments like “he doesn’t need to eat rn” like what do you mean he doesn’t need to eat?? But then when I try to talk to him about it “it was a joke” or “I never said that”…
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 29 '24 edited Jul 29 '24
Sounds like he's nervous or doesn't feel comfortable with being left alone with the baby and gaslighting you when you try to bring up the root of why he's rushing you by pretending it's all in your head. That's really crap behavior.
The petty part of me would do the same when he has a shower 😂 How old is your baby? Have you ever left the house for 10-15 minutes to help him build up more time spent caring for baby without you being there to "rescue" him? I think I'd be having a serious talk with him about how you're feeling, especially regarding the gaslighting. Perhaps, you could both set a shower schedule to make things fair? For example, you shower from 7-7.30am and he showers from 7.30-8am. Just an example but maybe some added structure would make it harder for him to argue?
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u/TreesCanTalk Jul 29 '24
Baby is 7 weeks old. I left the house once to go grocery shopping and even though he wasn’t rushing me that time I felt so anxious and rushed to get back to the baby. He has expressed feeling worried and somewhat uncomfortable holding him because of the baby being fragile and still developing neck strength. But I don’t think it’s just because of that. Because he would rush me before the baby. Not as much but especially when I was doing self care before leaving the house or bed (like complaining or yelling about how long it took me to brush my teeth and put on lotion/sunscreen).
I’ve tried talking to him but so far nothing’s changed:/
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 29 '24
Would he be open to talking to his doctor about how he's feeling? It almost sounds as if he's not coping with fatherhood and trying to push those feelings down while simultaneously projecting his frustration onto you. Or he's in denial that something is wrong.
I think he needs to accept that something isn't right here, but it might be a hard road getting there. Do you have family support that could come visit and maybe be an objective third party?
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u/TreesCanTalk Jul 29 '24
I think it would be worth it to look into him talking to his dr. We have family support but not really in the way of an objective third party. More so support with the baby. Maybe couples counseling could be an option
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 29 '24
Yeah, for sure. All the best, hey. It sounds like a tricky situation for you both!
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u/Nilrmar Jul 29 '24
Am I being unreasonable ? My baby just turned 6 months. I initially thought I could work from home and take care of him and the days I had to go into the office I could take him either me or drop him off at my parents. I work with my family, we have a business so I have a lot of flexibility with my work. I realize that what I initially had planned wasn’t going to work because I can’t really focus on my work if I’m watching him. Small babies require a lot of attention of course. My husbands mom takes care of kids in her home and the plan was also for her to take care of him at some point but I had a few issues with her at the beginning when he was a newborn and her ignoring the rules I set in my home for visiting the baby so I started seeing that as not an option. We’ve gotten over that bump (even though I’ll never forget her behavior) so now I’m open for her to care for him once he’s 1. All of this and more made me come to the decision of having someone come to my home and take care of the baby. This way I don’t have to fully separate from him and I am still very much involved in his day to day and he has someone who is devoted to him all day. So my neighbors mom who also lives right next door comes mom-fri 9-5. At my husbands moms house he’s going to have to be around other kids all day that might get him sick ( yes this is inevitable but there is no rush yet) she has the tv on all day to entertain the kids and I don’t turn on the tv at home. He’s able to get morning sun everyday and hang in the backyard which he loves if it’s not too hot. My husband is pressuring me to start taking him to his mom’s house already, he says he doesn’t feel comfortable with a stranger taking care of him if I have to go into the office. He says it’s an unnecessary expense (I can easily afford it plus it’s 200/week and he’s going to pay his mom 100/week). Am I being unreasonable ?
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Jul 27 '24
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u/Top-Chain8905 Jul 27 '24
For the first couple weeks of my baby’s life I had to keep reminding his dad to change him or he would just sit in a dirty diaper to the point of me going to my sister‘s house so she can help watch my son while I actually rest. Then I got admitted into the hospital a second time and while I was there, he let the baby run out of diapers. He ended up leaving me with him to go get him and didn’t come back until 2 1/2 hours later. Leaving him in his dirty diaper (we live 15 minutes from the hospital). He has fallen asleep while holding him while I was in the shower and I came out to see my baby almost upside down, hanging out of his arms about to hit the floor and he was still asleep. He admitted to having harmful thoughts earlier on, but makes excuses as to why he doesn’t see a therapist.
I finally let my guard down and trusted him for me to go to dinner with my sister at 5 PM and then a movie at seven. I got home at maybe 1010 and we see him walking from across the street with my apartment complex back to our apartment with one of the dogs. The baby nowhere in sight. When we got to the house, I told him it’s not safe to leave him in the house by herself, and he tried to lie and say that he had just taken the dog to the field right in front of our door. And when I called him out on it, he didn’t say anything afterwards. there’s been a few times where my son has choked on spit up with it coming out of his nose, and where he just randomly stopped breathing all together. I think this man is extremely neglectful despite saying he cares. I need outside opinions because idk what to do.
He has also been neglectful with the dogs before and forgot about them while I was in the hospital after having my son and letting them go a full 24 hours without getting out of their cages, eating or drinking water. And he didn’t remember until I asked him if he made sure they were taken care of. And he got upset at me when I was rushing him out of the hospital to drive and go take care of them.
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u/P1XALATE Jul 27 '24
Honestly, I'm anxious for you and your baby. The man is not helping and really not taking into consideration for a newborn. You're pretty much having to be a single parent.
I understand about having harmful thoughts but literally having the newborn I a dirty diaper for hours? Leaving them alone at home for however long? Plus, falling asleep with baby in arms while the baby dangling??? This is just neglect and super harmful, especially if the baby already has some sort of problems with breathing/spiting up while asleep.
IMO, i would commicate about how him being neglectful to the child is harming you and your relastionship. Take notice if he does change after the talk, and if he doesn't, i would think about what to do next. Like make an ultimatum, get some help for the mental load that he seems to be having trouble dealing with, or pay for a babysitter so that mama could have a break. Or maybe he just changed and dont want to put in any effort and care. If he chooses that, i would go about thinking if you got relatives that you can stay with for a while, while there reasesset the important things in your life.
But personally, I wouldn't leave your newborn with him anymore until he gains back your trust.
Realistic you can't force him to care.
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u/Nizz553 Jul 29 '24
I’m honestly shocked at how often someone I’m her posts about the husband leaving the baby alone. Where do you find these guys?
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u/ChelseaTay Jul 30 '24
How have you addressed a friend who continually refers to themselves as “auntie” or “uncle” but you DON’T plan on your child calling them that? Or even more cringey… when they think their partner also gets the title?
I have a long time friend who I’m admittedly not as close to anymore since our lives are in different places, although I don’t think they realize this. This person will genuinely tell you they have X number of nieces/nephews, because they consider themselves an aunt to any friend’s child. What’s really made my eye twitch is this friend equally refers to their boyfriend as my child’s uncle.
I’m not opposed to close friends being auntie/uncle, but that doesn’t extend to ALL friends, ya know? And especially not to a friend’s partner that I’ve only interacted with a handful of times and haven’t seen once throughout my entire pregnancy.
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u/Late_Road7726 Jul 30 '24
Someone tell me Dads weaponizing their incompetence doesn’t get worse once the baby comes. Please tell me they see how much we struggle with being a new mom and post partum journey and they step up their game!!
Losing hope at 33 wks pregnant trying to get stuff done during this nesting period micro manage and nag my husband to get shit done. He’s genuinely a nice guy but I’m afraid I’ve lost him, unless I reach my breaking point and yell at him NOTHING GETS DONE OR DONE RIGHT
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 30 '24
It really depends on the individual.
One tip I would suggest once baby arrives is to allow dad to figure things out (especially to do with the baby). Often, they'll do things differently to how we might (as moms), but unless it's creating an unsafe situation, you've gotta let them handle it their way.
You may also want to start thinking about the division of responsibilities during the postpartum period. Talk about it NOW. If you leave it until the baby arrives, you'll both be exhausted and cranky with each other, which may not lead to productive conversations. Make a plan for who and how you'll deal with things like chores, housework, cooking, walking the dog, nights where the baby won't sleep...that kinda thing. But don't expect perfection. The house doesn't need to be absolutely perfect (it generally won't be during this time). You may end up ordering takeout more often than you expected. Mental health and sleep come first to housework but if you have a rough idea of how to tackle these things as a team, then things should run a bit more smoothly.
All the best!
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u/Late_Road7726 Jul 30 '24
Dealing with my needy/loud 9lb shipoo dog has been incredibly hard, and I ask him everyday to find solutions on training her to not bark as much or jump attack everyone that’s walks through the door as she’ll do this with the baby, but he doesn’t seem to care.
I hope we can have the division of labor convo, it will absolutely break me to sustain this level of DGAF from him
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u/Greedy4Sleep Jul 30 '24
Yeah, I'd definitely recommend having that convo now. Fair Play is a great resource to help. My experience of postpartum life was that it brought a lot of our existing relationship issues to the surface. For us, we lacked effective communication. It was really hard to work on this when we were running off a few hours of broken sleep most days.
I've heard Dog Meets Baby is a great Instagram account but I'd definitely look into preparing your dog for baby's arrival. A lot of people struggle with their pets postpartum.
In saying all of this, I don't wanna be all doom and gloom. He may step up completely. A lot of men do. But it doesn't hurt to go into things prepared.
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u/smittykittytreefitty Jul 25 '24
I'm a first time mom and have recently had to return to work, which means I needed a babysitter. Lucky for me my mother has retired and is more than happy to watch her while me and my partner are at work during the day. I'm incredibly grateful for her help but also very anxious about the whole thing for a variety of reasons.
1) My mother is a very domineering personality and we butt heads a LOT. She is constantly offering advice I never asked for and instructing me on how I could better run my household. I know ultimately she's trying to help, but it makes me feel like she is trying to run the show when this is my turn to be the parent and head of the house. I also have a bonus daughter who is home for the summer and my mother has plenty of opinions on how she should be spending her time. We had a fight because she was trying to tell me how I should parent my bonus daughter and I don't need that kind of pressure when I'm well aware of everything she gripes about and am doing my best.
2) We have very different moral compasses as she is heavily religious and I am not. I grew up a Christian because that was all I knew but now I feel like I was indoctrinated as a child and I don't want that to happen to my child. She has already talked about wanting to take her to church and I have tried to respectfully but firmly set boundaries that we will need to have a conversation about this in the future once my daughter is old enough to be influenced by religion. I don't plan on asking my mom to hide her religion or anything like that, but I don't want it to be presented to my daughter as fact. This makes my mother prickly to say the least.
3) I worry that because my mother helps so much, she will eventually hold it over my head. I've asked her to limit what she does at my house, but she insists on washing dishes, doing laundry, and generally picking up the house while she is watching my daughter. I don't want her to feel responsible for more than babysitting and she says she does it of her own free will, but we have already had a fight about it because she made derogatory comments about the state of my house (which honestly isn't bad, just gets messy between two kids and three pets). She acted like she was doing me a great service and I should be more appreciative of it even though I specifically tell her not to do these things.
I don't want to fight with her but I am so scared of losing my agency as a parent because of my mother's controlling personality. I had to work for years to become the strong willed person that I am after a childhood of blind obedience, but she's still my mother and holds some sway over me. I feel myself going along with what she wants many times just because she is so insistent and instructs me in a way that feels like an order. I do my best to communicate how she makes me feel but it often turns into her becoming deeply offended and projecting her own hurt feelings onto me, acting like she has to walk on eggshells when it's really the other way around. It's very frustrating.
I know I eventually will probably need to find other childcare, but I really need her help right now and I want my baby to be with someone I know and trust. And I want my baby to be around her grammy! But like I said, the whole thing makes me anxious and sad to have to give up my agency somewhat as a parent just to make things work.