Don't let the pursuit of tomorrow diminish the joy of today [image]

[u/ellierwrites]

[u/Masske20]

How do I deal with the burnout I get from trying to pursue the day and be present? My depression robs me of my energy and burnout resilience, directly mentally and indirectly physically. I can’t seem to manage consistency because the attempt at the pursuit drains me more than I can keep myself stable and fall into burnout. I feel trapped. I keep trying to look at things positively, be thankful for the things I have, and so on but the debilitating symptoms I experience don’t seem to get much dulled.

[u/compromisedaccount → u/Masske20]

They key to this line of reasoning when it comes to joy being truly present and mindful to the extent that you are not "pursuing". It's the urge to pursue, fix, retain, etc. that creates suffering. Accepting what currently is, truly accepting it in a way that lets you let go of the need to change whatever is happening in the now stop the impulse look forward to a time that is not now is what the approach is.

There are many many ways to go about cultivating this skill/habit/way of life. But, for now, if you're tired, be tired and engage with tired activities that aren't taxing and don't require "pursuit". When you have spare moments of energy that's when you mindfully choose to spend it on a healthy pursuit.

[u/EvolvingCyborg → u/compromisedaccount]

Just to add to this, the best advice I ever heard was, "Don't forget to breathe." It's definitely a 'truism,' and I heard it from a B-Movie (The Forbidden Kingdom), but it's so important to me, especially when I'm in a bad place. If you can recognize how you're breathing, you can work on regulating it, and that can make all the difference. Especially in those worst moments, breathing might be the only thing you can control.

[u/Masske20 → u/compromisedaccount]

I’m trying but after an additional 9 months from when I had to quit my job because of my mental health (for nearly as long as I’ve been alive) I’m no closer to getting a job to help out food on the table, take stress away from my wife, or chip away at my nearly $30,000 in debt between credit cards and school. My life keeps feeling like a dumpster fire since I was very young and I keep trying to challenge that view but I keep falling back down so hard with so many kinds of costs that I can’t help question wether the initial attempt was an erroneous idea to begin with.

I’m still trying to hold onto hope but every big fall I’ve had save severed some connection to the idea, the possibility of hope and I don’t know if I can manage the next great fall if it’s anything like the last three.

[u/compromisedaccount → u/Masske20]

First off, using the resources at your disposal to the fullest is of the utmost importance. Medications, doctors, and therapists are a resource. Medications are a tool. This is where to start if you are not seeking help professionally yet. I know it's frustrating. I have been a similar cycle much of my adult life. I'm 38, PTSD from Iraq in 2005 and other traumas. Panic disorder, depression, anxiety. Addiction. You name it. The cycle of self-improvement and backstepping is exhausting and sometimes you just have to take a break from what feels like a constant attempt and failure at trying to "fix" yourself. It's totally ok if that's where you are. Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to get through the winter, keep your family safe, and get yourself distracted from the darker parts of your mind.

However, the repressed emotions of the mind do need to be addressed and processed at some point so you can fully engage with your life. It is difficult to be fully present and mindful when some large portion of our unconscious and semi-conscious mind are trying to repress, control, distract, etc. from uncomfortable emotions, memories, or whatever. There are lots of paths to pursue this sort of release and processing. In my experience, it's hard to work on the higher level self-improvement stuff when there is a lot of avoidance behavior going on and unaddressed feelings somewhere in your mind. Doesn't have to be trauma related, even just feelings of anger about being a dad, husband, etc. Stuff we bottle up all t he time while trying to meditate so that we don't experience them in the future.

[u/Masske20 → u/compromisedaccount]

Those emotions are born from growing up a social outcast everywhere, for a wide variety of reasons (stupid choices, medications making me gain lots of weight starting at 8-9 years old, somehow constantly having an internal and external dichotomy of whether I’m really smart or mentally deficient given by my experiences and what people tell me, etc.) along with physical, emotional, and sexual trauma that some are significantly bad and yet the oddity of the powerlessness I experienced has elicited laughter in more that one problem.

There’s more to be said but anyways, the scars I have are things I’ve tried hard to overcome. I’ve done CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) twice, DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy), I’ve been on nearly a dozen different meds since the age of 8. I had ECT (electro convulsive therapy), ketamine (the only thing that was ever effective but lost financial access to it) and psilocybin treatments. All of which were medically directed in some fashion.

I feel trapped… AGAIN… because the scarring between my genetic dispositions and experiences growing up left structural changes in the way my brain experiences and processes certain things. I know full fucking well a small set back is small but it’s the weight of everything else that crushes me and likewise, when I need to push forward the absence of connection to the things I know I’ve done for the better does have a near crushing force of pressure to push me forward to keep up with even the most basic of things sometimes like showering or feeding myself, never mind taking care of my apartment properly or deal with any of the other issues I need to take responsibility for. I know full well I need to provide for my wife but my depression is so corrosive that it burns away my ability to get or maintain a connection to that feeling.

When I had access to ketamine, I felt like all these things I struggled to do was suddenly so easy to push through the struggle to be consistent. That struggle felt like it was a difference that should’ve been measured in magnitudes rather than linearly.

I feel like I’m trapped in my depression, and I’m so far down the hole that I can’t figure out my way back up, and certainly not for lack of trying.

These issues started when I was 4-8, depending on how you define the start. I’m 32 now and I’ve never been able to work one continuous year, but I’ve managed to get into one of the most prestigious engineering programs in my country in a world renowned university, fall apart, get back to it, and fall apart again for just a different but fundamentally similar enough set of reasons that makes me wonder if I’ll be forever trapped in this twilight between useless and “like a genius” style of potential (quote from my parent’s neighbour who has a PhD in physics, who I think I’ve alienated from the “useless” side of myself coming through as an embarrassing lack of fundamental understanding and attempted ambition in a moment of mix between discovery and clarity on an unexpected topic).

Even just trying to explain this shit, these weird ass experiences, makes me feel like I’ll be alienated by others because they are fucking weird moments but I can explain the rational I had in the moments which led to those mistakes. So I, again, feel stuck.

EtA: the cherry on top of all this is that I make very insightful connections but I’m cognitively slow so I feel fundamentally incompatible with academia due to fast paced nature but their ways of thinking, very rational and though through, are some of the few places I feel comfortable but I feel like an artist without enough practice in a medium. So I again feel stuck on the outside.

My issues are not because I don’t know what’s going on. They’re because I believe too much that I do know what’s going on and see how these different layers interact and interweave and I keep struggling with making progress because I can’t seem to cope with being present enough and dealing with everything I need to manage all these issues (or just the minimum) without burning out very easily. And trying to deal with smaller bites doesn’t have enough of an impact on the issues as a whole and almost gives the impression of worsening things when I try partial solutions.

[u/Someguy14201 → u/Masske20]

Hey man I know I'm not part of the convo, but I hear you, I'm only a decade younger but you sound incredibly intelligent and capable. I hope you figure it out one way or another, I don't have any advice and whatnot, just a virtual hug, if that means anything.

[u/Masske20 → u/Someguy14201]

Appreciated. Thank you.

[u/compromisedaccount → u/Masske20]

I resonate with a lot of what you are describing. I also found ketamine to be helpful, but it only gets you so far. The feelings of being stuck between the feeling of mediocrity and success, and the of feeling of being intelligent but unable to wield that intelligence in a meaningful way is SUPER common. I would guess it's especially common in folks who have above average intelligence but have their personal life bull shit getting in the way of them utilizing that intelligence to their liking.

I have felt very similarly for most of my adult life and typically only get reprieve when helping others or being immersed in something captivating (playing sports, video games etc.)

That sense of dissatisfaction is a very easy operating mode for the brain to default back to. The brain is designed to find things wrong that need fixing and is constantly scanning your body and brain for things that are a threat. Years of this process can manifest in all sorts of ways (pain, anxiety, depression, brain fog, etc.). This process is mostly unconscious so no matter how smart or insightful one is there is still going to be LOADS of stuff that is below the surface eating up resources your brain could use for better things. It is taxing and incredibly easy to be unaware of.

Something as simple as a husband thinking "I hate being a father" in a moment of frustration can go unresolved deep in the recesses of the mind. The emotions and context of a thought like that feels like a threat to the mind and needs to be processed. Processing can be a simple "ah, I'm just frustrated, I love my kids, for reasons x, y, z...they are sometimes X..etc." or maybe an underlying feeling of cowardice that you've rationalized away over many years because no young man wants to feel cowardly and you're likely not. But the concern over something like that can simmer, as can other insecurities.

All of the emotions that your body/brain experience require some amount of processing and release. However, when that doesn't happen, the brain is very good at ignoring that need and focusing on immediate survival needs. This is the stuff that, once addressed, result in chronic pain patients having miraculous recoveries. I believe the same is true for a lot of mental health stuff. The brain is so much more powerful and in sync with our bodies, energy levels, ability to focus, ability to think quick, etc. than we give it credit for sometimes.

There are techniques for this kind of stuff. Processing with a clinician is optimal but there are ways to do it on your own. Theres a chronic pain doctor that wrote a book about this stuff and it is quite profound if you can let yourself be open to the possibility that a lot of the crap you deal with are largely impacted but the unconscious mind. And letting go of some of that junk will free up your body and mind to heal and function better.

Of course, it requires motivation, and it sounds like you're in a spot where you just need some support, reprieve, and maybe something joyful to get through a bit of time before you make your next stretch of effort.

I've also found accepting that there is no time in the future where I will be "done" and complete as a person when it comes to self-improvement. It's a dance that'll be going on throughout all of life and needs to be embraced otherwise you'll spend your whole life resisting something fundamental and it's that resistance to life as it is here and now that creates so much suffering.

[u/guruglue]

I honestly think this is a big part of the reason why people in less prosperous parts of the world consistently rate higher in overall happiness. Making the most out of your situation is like a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets.

[u/TheBelgianDuck]

People wait for the few moments capitalism left them to be happy.

We all know most workers aren't happy in their jobs and do it for survival only and are often expected to do overtime.

Capitalism forces the average person to sell their precious time in exchange of the lowest acceptable amount of money, and immediately takes that money back in exchange of the things we need to survive.

The only thing left to most people is the HOPE, one day, they'll be truly happy. Because their lives are hardly bearable as they are.

Yes, people have tiny moments of joy, that only last for as long as no duty of the thought thereof pops up.

I don't think this is the meaning of life, still, most are trapped here with me.

Édit: typos and typos on corrections

[u/-Nicolai]

This is not motivating, it’s a scathing indictment of capitalism.

[u/the_dirtiest_rascal]

Capitalism is slavery.

[u/_CatLover_]

It's monday 8:30, feel the JOY

[u/sanjeet2009]

The future will unfold whether we obsess over it or not, but today is the time we can live, love, and make memories. So, let today be enough—tomorrow can wait its turn.

[u/proverbialbunny]

Ironically for most people OP is anti-motivational. If you don't have your life setup it's impossible to enjoy it for long, so you have to pursue a better tomorrow. It's the only way to get long term happiness. It's kind of like chilling and enjoying a day in quicksand.

An issue is people don't know what to pursue or how to pursue, so they get stuck. Body, mind, living situation, socializing, and then you've got enjoyable recreational activities like hobbies, reddit, tv, and so on. Note: This is specifically referring to doing recreational activities more than on the weekend, but all day many days. It's fine to do 2-4 hours of recreational activities at night to unwind to help go to sleep and prevent burnout.

Here's what to pursue to live a happy life:

Body, if you have a chronic medical condition in most of the world the only person who can solve the medical issue is you, not doctors, so you have to learn how to research cutting edge science papers and learn the domain, which takes a lot of time. For the average person it's exercising from time to time. Going on a hike or going to the gym.

Mind. Psychological disorders like anxiety and depression hold people back from enjoying life. You have to find books and courses that address those specific issues as generic talk therapy almost never works. Sometimes you have to solve the issue yourself. Thankfully today CBT and DBT are proven to cure most of the big psychological disorders and in around 9 to 18 sessions, which is only a few months of work. This is huge and should not be underestimated.

Livelihood is income and work. Learning how to work in a way that doesn't stress you out. Learning which jobs are worth taking and which are harmful. Finding the right career. This takes a lot of time and is a major pain point for over 3/4ths of people. While different people have different struggles so it's impossible to address all situations, one ancient piece of advice from Buddhism is to avoid working with the dealing of animal products. That is mostly food. Try to avoid working at a restaurant, fast food, or supermarket. Work these jobs temporarily when you're a teenager or if you need money now, but don't aim to stay in them for life. They're jobs that not only create harm to the world, but there's nothing stopping them from harming you.

Socializing. This is often fun, but like exercise, if it's not done enough irl one is left with depression and other issues. This is technically under mental, but because it's something you do from time to time for life, I'm putting it as its own category.

Then after that you're left with hobbies and self actualization, which is improving yourself or improving the world in a way that is fun and enjoyable. It's activities you want to do in your free time.

[u/outerspaceNH]

Who the hell waits all summer for winter?? I enjoy the fall, but if anyone can't wait for shitty months of snow and ice and freezing temperatures, they need help

[u/ellierwrites → u/outerspaceNH]

Some people like to ski and snowboard. 😊

[u/maxyall]

Today fucking suck, man.

[u/Ares_B]

I wish I hadn't heeded to this advice yesterday.

[u/makeikusa]

Master oogway said it better. Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present

[u/Amorypeace]

All summer for winter? What? Who does that?

[u/BenzotheWicked]

easy for someone without severe depression and anxiety to say. every day is just waiting until it’s finally time to sleep again and escape