My sister is color red, her birthday is on the 30th. The black is a friend staying with my Grandma whose birthday is on January 2nd. We host Christmas at our house every year. It would be different if she also wanted to celebrate my sister but she only wants us to sing to her friend. Including my sister. At HER house. I think my initial request was very polite and I walked on eggshells typing it because this woman is very much a her way or the highway type of person but I thought she would care about her own granddaughter’s birthday. The only problem I’m having is my mom is saying that I made this into a big deal and now Christmas is “ruined”. Honestly, feels like Christmas is saved. I do understand that the girl staying with her hasn’t had a cake ever, which kinda makes me feel bad, but like why would you think a bunch of strangers singing to her in a house she’s never been in make a good first cake memory? Wouldn’t it be more personal for it to be you guys and her parents at your house where she’s staying?

(ETA: posting this for a friend, because she doesn’t have reddit)

So I (F47) am a black woman who has been married to my husband (M53), a white man, for 25 years. I’ve recently found something of his that has me absolutely shellshocked but I’m not sure what to do about it, if anything.

My husband and I have completely opposing political beliefs. I am a liberal, he is a conservative. I’ve got friends who are in similar relationships who may not be aligned politically, but are on matters of civil rights. I’d figured, because we have four children together (two of which are women, one of which is queer, and one that experienced police brutality first hand as a teen) and have been married for 25 years, that we were in the same boat. I was wrong.

Over the course of the past year, I’ve come to find out that he’s taken a nosedive into the “white supremacist facebook nut” side of the internet (which is interesting, because he believes the internet is rotting mine and our children’s brains).

He believes racism does not exist, homophobia is rooted in godliness, women are inferior to men, etc etc. He has told me explicitly that he believes our country “wouldn’t be what it is today” if we hadn’t taken it from “the Indians”. He’s following possibly every blacks/gays/minorities for trump profile on instagram, every andrew tate/matt walsh/tucker carlson type.

Again, I had no clue he was like this. I am a dark-skinned black woman, and the daughter of an immigrant. We never had any real conversations about race in the beginning of our relationship, I’d assumed we were on the same page.

My mother came to me today with absolutely shocking news. She frequents substack, and sent me my husband’s profile. I had no clue what substack was, I’m not on it. I assume my husband thought this was the case for all of us, because his bio says something along the lines of “White Conservative guy married to a black progressive with 4 kids ages X-Y very disheartened by the destruction and depravity of our great nation”. (I kept the ages out because I don’t want anyone finding the profile)

I am absolutely baffled. I’ve been at a loss for words all day, I have no clue what to do. He used his real first and last name on the profile, as well. He may be disheartened by the “destruction” of our nation, but I am disheartened by the fact that the man I’ve shared a bed with, built a home and family with for the past 25 years sees me as nothing more than some brainwashed black progressive (to be clear, I have no shame being progressive).

Not only that, but he included our children. I’d assume this bio was written a couple years ago, our kids are older now. I cannot believe this man would list personal information about our children (two of which were minors at the time) with his full name out there. Especially because he has a public instagram with the same username and plenty of pictures of our kids.

With the kinds of profiles he follows and interacts with, I genuinely fear for the safety of my MIXED RACE children. In today’s day and age, I can only imagine how easy it would be for someone to find them on his instagram profile and try or say something crazy.

I feel insane. I feel like I’m overreacting, maybe this isn’t as big of a deal as I’m thinking it is? My mother and daughter both think that my reaction is justified, but I’m not sure. We are so intertwined. We’ve been together for so long, we still have some of our kids living with us. I want to try to fix things, but is he too far gone? How can someone with so much hatred aimed towards such integral parts of who I am possibly love me?

Am I overreacting? I really need an outside opinion, and I am at a total loss as for what to do.

Because someone leaked my friends number in the group chat im texting in right now and sharing personal information to the members in this group/ 844K people to be exact, and we need to report it and it needs to be taken down because I just got told about the whole situation and its violating Reddit rules also. So mods for the overreacting group please take this down on short notice please and thank you.

Hi, not an annual user on Reddit so don’t expect me to post much heh.

I am 18 non-binary, and worked at my job since late summer when I was ether 16 or 17 last year. To start off I don’t do sports, I don’t do clubs, I mainly focus on school and am now planning on going to college or if that fails, straight to the work field. I mentioned I’m free to my shift manager and boss, however. My hours are low. I get paid 10 dollars an hour. Yeah not much but I’ve been trying to get my hours up and not many of my co-workers give up shifts. Currently I drive in a truck and gas for that mother truckers is not cheap. My parents are aware of my situation and suggested I’d ask for 20 hours total to help me out. However I have not got those, ever. Right now I have none. They forgot to put me on there. My parents are advising me to get a new job, I’m starting to agree. I’d go for anything at this point since now a days I feel like they are just playing with me for kicks and giggles. I work in fast food and have to deal with customers and front line so why not at least give me more hours since I’m free. They once tried to put me on a 2 hour shift. It’s takes half an hour to get to work. It felt like a slap to the face. I’m annoyed and tired. I’m glad I was able to relax a bit for the holidays however, it’s one thing to say “oh because we wanted you to take a break!” Or “oh we just forgot to give you hours.” Makes me think they don’t need me whatsoever. Which means you most definitely wouldn’t mind if I get out of there.

More hours. Is that too much to ask?

AIO?

My mom and stepdad are doing our Christmas get together this coming Saturday. My brother, his family, my stepbrother, and his family will be there. I let my partner know about going on Saturday instead of Christmas Day, and she told me she’s not going. I asked her why, and she said she don’t like my brother and stepbrother and it’s too much with their kids. I do understand her point of view, but at the same time it’s my family and it means a lot to me, and I don’t always get along with her family, but I still go to gatherings, especially on a holiday. In October, my brother got married and she didn’t want to go to the wedding either, but I pretty much forced her to go. Idk, I feel like she’s being one sided and don’t care about my feelings.

Edit- I should also mention she has an avoidant personality. I would be better off communicating my feelings to a wall before her. Anytime I bring up an issue or concern, she gets annoyed and shuts down.

We’ve been together for years and both love each other. He just seems to have a lot of female friends and always be texting them or sending memes.

To be fair, we live together, and I get way more attention than them. Cuddles, dinners together, date nights, etc. I just wish he’d send me memes he sees that remind him of me, or text me on the days when we see each other less.

And he’ll also kind of have a main “best friend” for a while and always be texting her and telling her stuff - but inevitably they’ll grow distant or she’ll become less interested and stop putting in the effort.

I don’t actually think he’d ever cheat on me, or that he’d get so close to one it’d become a “choice” between us (like in terms of managing time). It’s more the emotional connection that he has, or him being distracted and spending so much of his virtual time with them that makes me upset. Or like not even hiding his phone generally, but just becoming more secretive with it randomly for a period of time.

I feel weird being upset about this and am scared of bringing it up. I’m super anxious attachment and he’s super avoidant. And I do trust him. I just don’t get why this makes me so uneasy, and don’t think he’d understand either. Maybe I’m overreacting?

First time posting, long time lurker. My husband (m39) and I (f37) have three daughters together, 4,4, and 3 months. We have a tumultuous relationship with his parents because he has been screwed over multiple times by them. One event that happened was he lost over 700k on a house Investment that was suppose to be his but his parents ended up “ needing the money” (happened before marriage). I don’t trust them at all because they are the kind of people that only do something for someone if it benefits them. I have told my husband multiple times I don’t want anything to do with them when it comes to money because i think they have ulterior motives and I will never want to be indebted to them. He keeps forgiving them and allowing them back into our lives.

A little backstory, his parents have never liked me because I hold boundaries and I make it clear that I cannot be bribed or manipulated. So they have always found ways to make me the bad guy and leave me out for example this Christmas they got everybody a gift except for myself.

Now for the mistrust situation, when our 3 month old daughter was born His parents were insistent on getting her Social Security number and I told my husband absolutely not. I don’t trust them and I’m not going to have anybody have her social except for us. He agreed with me and I thought we had moved on. Well, last night I found out that he did end up, giving his parents her social behind my back to “open a bank account” and did not tell me about it. I am furious and we had a big blow up fight about it and he had double down on it saying I’m the asshole now because i was questioning him about the event and how it occurred.

I feel that if his parents wanted to open a bank account that he could’ve opened the bank account himself and they could’ve wired the money into our daughters account. I don’t trust their motives and I don’t like the fact that they have her Social Security number. When I’m asking about the terms of the account, he knows nothing. I asked him how they get the money and he has no answer . We are still not talking and now he is mad at me.

So am I over reacting for not wanting to give our daughters social to anyone even if it is “grandparents”.

So, I have recently moved in with my aunt after family problems and that meant my goldfish came with me, his/her/they/them name is Rupert (fake name for their privacy reasons).

Me and my aunt love Rupert but there is a slight problem, Rupert died, and I went out and brought a few more gold fish and am currently doing try outs to see if any can do “fish flips” which is a little trick I taught Rupert where he jumps from one bowl of cereal to another.

While I was training Rupert v0.3 my aunt walked in and found it, she is now outraged that I didn’t tell her that Rupert died and that I didn’t invite her to his funeral.

I am mad because Rupert was my child and she has no right being mad at me because I didn’t tell her.

Am I overacting?

Little background history, moms been a drug addicted for most of my brothers and my life. She would come in and out of our lives, the longest stretch she was gone was seven years in which she left shortly after my brother was born and didn’t come back till he was almost 7.

Our dad had always had a soft spot for our mother and strongly encouraged us to build a relationship with her. He always said she’s the only mother we’ll ever have. Due to this my brother and I have always attempted to have a relationship with her but she has always rejected us or ruined what little faith we had. For example, on my 16th birthday one of her current boyfriends tried to sexually assault me, I ran to her and told her what happened. She told me I misunderstood the situation and stayed with her for several more years. At 18 she stole my wallet maxed out my brand new(and first credit) as well as emptied my bank account. When my brother was 10 he had a knife pulled on him by one of her addict friend who she owed money to. He threatened my brother that if our mom didn’t pay up he be back to make her pay.

Irregardless of this our dad has always fought for our mom, and has been there to help her whenever she needed him. He put her through countless rehabs, therapy and sat back not saying anything wheel she cheated on him with countless men sometimes in our home. They never got married, as my mom told her she never loved him enough to marry him. She would tell anyone that listened that she hated him, was only with him because she was to “old and fat” to find someone else and he offered her stability.

Skip to two year ago she was put on life support and nearly died. When she survived it appeared she made a full change. It was also at this time her brother had passed and left her with a substantial amount of money. She finally started acting like a mom, calling to check in on us, taking an interest in our life, wanting to spend time with us ect.

Skip to this summer our dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given less then 6 months to live. To our surprised our mother stepped up to help care for him. During this time as we tried to get everything in order before his passing we found out she spent all of the money her brother left her. Spent 150k of dad’s money and maxed his credit cards and opens some more in his name. Because of this dad, mom, and all of us agreed that any money left behind from dad would go into a trust account for mom so that she wouldn’t speed run through it and always have a way to pay for housing and essentials.

Our dad unfortunately passed in the beginning of this month. I was at the hospital alone with my dad when he passed. I called my mom and brother in complete hysterics. My mom yelled at me calling me a liar and didn’t come up to the hospital for almost 2 hours and stayed for less than 5 minutes. Because of this I had to do all of the paperwork. She went MIA after this, has not come home (she lives in home shared with our dad and my brother) did not help with the funeral and has not called to check in on either of us, nor answer her phone when we call.

Well trying to do his funeral myself and get things ready for an estate, switching his bills into my brothers name ect. We discovered our mom had took our sick father into various banks and had her name added as solo beneficiary to all of his accounts and had his will amended so she received the house and was responsible for the estate. I called our mom to try and figure out why she had done this, and explained that because she changed everything she was solo responsible for everything and that I couldn’t help her as I don’t have authority. I originally was gonna start the estate, file our dad’s taxes and start settling the debit she had occurred on his cards. She did not answer.

To my surprise yesterday was the first time I spoke to her since our father funeral when she showed up to ask for the death certificate so she can start collecting her money. My brother and I started to ask questions such as “ where have you been” “are you okay”. She wouldn’t answer any of these questions and repeated that she wanted the death certificate. I asked her what her plan was since she can’t have money on her name due to her state benefits and it’s not realistic to walk around with 300k. The money she got from her brother was placed in our dad’s name.

She started to get angry saying she just fulfilling dads wishes and she was just gonna sign the money over to someone we didn’t know but she trusted. We informed her that it would be best to have a the family lawyer or accountant set sotmhing up for her instead as ounce she signs it over it’s no longer hers and her friend can dick her out of it if they wanted. At this point she cursed us out and stormed out of the house, the text thread is what followed.

Just wanted someone else’s opinion, on this situation. I’m so angry with her, I know she’s never been there but i really thought she would have been there while dealing with dad’s death. And I’m torn between keeping my promise to our dad and looking out for her and hair cutting all ties with her.

For context: My brother(M17) is a tool, so the fact he landed a girlfriend (F15) is already a shock to me… a nice one at that. But once I met this girl it made so much sense how he was able to land her. She’s very shy & timid but she’s still very sweet. At the events I see her at she’s mostly quiet and sticks close to my brother. You might be wondering..well what’s the problem? The problem is my brother and he will be the demise if that relationship doesn’t work.

For example are cousins are in town for the holidays and I hate how he talks about her around them. I have overheard him brag about how she was a virgin when they got together and that he taught her everything she knows in the bedroom and that she didn’t know she was doing at all because her mom didn’t talk to her about sex, then he made it entire joke about how it took 3 separate attempts for it to get it in if you know WHAT I mean. Just very vulgar language about her and his talking point surrounding their relationship is straight out of an incel podcast. I tried to tell my about this when I first herd him said that shit and of course he lied and my cousins didn’t want to get involved so he said she said..,But What makes matters worse the girl is now pregnant with his baby and that girls mother is rightfully pissed with my parents. But whats bugging me is my parents not treating this situation seriously and not nipping it in the bud.

What led to these text, was we had Christmas morning and she came over and my cousins and extended family were there and my 10 year old cousin has a puppy dog little crush on her. So he does anything to get her attention and it’s absolutely harmless we already sat him down and told him it will never happen and my brother knows. But still my little cousin is always prepared to help her with anything just to have a reason to talk to her. so for Christmas my cousin is quite the Lego builder and for Christmas he gave my brother’s girlfriend a Lego boutique that he already build and put together and when he gave it to her she cried. Because she thought the gift was so sweet and thoughtful.

My brother of course made it about himself and got pissed at her for not crying at his gift to him and became extremely cold towards her and she went to go try to sit next to him and hold his hand he tapped it away and moved away from her and you can tell it embarrassed her and everytime I looked up she was fighting back tears. She eventually got up and went to the bathroom and that’s when I said to my “ you’re fucking ridiculous being jealous over a 10 year old” and that’s when he responded it’s not about that it’s about principle..that’s when I excused myself to check on her and she tried to play it off like it was fine but it was obvious she was crying and offered to take her home and she agreed to that initially. So when we joined back to the group my brother got up and started hugging on her and kissing her. Just like reeling her back after being so cold towards her to the point she was in tears and she changed her mind and decided to stay.

That’s what triggered these text and caused backlash with my mom and I genuinely want to know if I am because I have been in abusive relationship so certain things do trigger me…AIO ?

I (27F) have been dating my (25M) boyfriend for coming up on 3 1/2 years. We have been loving together for about a year and a half, and I’ve noticed overtime that he doesn’t want to do as much with me/for me since moving in. I’ve gone on week long work trips in which he doesn’t text me/call me to check in, he doesn’t take me out on dates anymore, and we really don’t do much other than work and hang out at home. Yesterday morning I was super excited to open gifts as a family (we have 2 dogs that I bought gifts for) and towards the end he went in his video game room to check on something. I told him I still have a couple things for him, and his response back to me was “well I didn’t, sorry.” Shocked, I responded, “Really?” And he stated that he didn’t know what to get me so he just didn’t get me anything because he didn’t wanna get just random stuff. I told him that it’s Not that I need a gift or anything, but I worked really hard on all of this (I decorated the entire house, I bought 95% of the gifts for our families, I wrapped all our gifts, and I cooked for the family gathering we were having at his parents’ house later).” His response was “okay…” it was super awkward and I stormed out of the room with tears welling in my eyes. Nonetheless, I shoved my emotions aside as much as I could and gave him his gifts shortly after. He told me I could take them back (I could tell he felt bad) and I told him no because i genuinely wanted him to have them, regardless of him not getting anything. He hasn’t brought anything else up about this since yesterday, and I want him to know how hurt I am, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding selfish. And it’s not like we discussed not doing gifts this year, as we’ve gotten each other gifts every year since we started dating. He also didn’t mention anything about finances (he bought a few things for his family) nor did he ask me if there was anything I was wanting. So am I overreacting?

This Christmas was not easy enough with a new born and a traumatic birth that I have to sit through Christmas dinner listen to my SIL constantly compare my new born child to her and her step daughter’s puppy. They both got new pets this year. Please tell me I am not the only one infuriated by it. What’s more shocking is that she has a 11 year old daughter herself and she thinks it’s ok to do it to others kids. Husband doesn’t like it either but doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his own sister. Soo done with this side of family.

This past Valentine’s Day, my husband said that my gift was earrings that matched a necklace he had bought me when our son was born. He said they had sold out and he was waiting for them to be back in stock. I brought it up a few times over the past ten months, but it didn’t happen.

Christmas morning I open up my “big gift” and it’s the earrings. I sort of chuckled and he asked “what?” I just closed the box and said thank you because his mother was there and I didn’t want to make it a thing in front of her. After presents he and his mother went to church and I couldn’t help but cry. I feel really sad about it, even a day later. Am I overreacting? Should I say something?

I (18F) have a college roommate (also 18F) that we will call Leah. Leah and I have known each other since August and have had some issues in the past (see previous post), but she seems to be now not accepting of my slight disability (I'm missing my right eye and have never had a vision on my right side). The day that I left for winter break, Leah asked me if she could visit my town during the break because I live in a historical place, and she wanted to see it. She told me that she'd bring her brother and they'd bring his car but that she wanted to see me. So she would have to allow me to drive her around my town. She then said that she doesn't trust me behind the wheel and that I should've never gotten my license because I'm missing my right eye and can't see her standing on my right side. She thinks that the state shouldn't have let me drive because of it, and no matter how much convincing I tried to do, she still believes that I shouldn't be on the road. I did tell her at the beginning of the semester about a time that I drove and put a gash in my dad's tire, but that was something that anybody could've done, especially considering the way that I did it, she also tried to use this as evidence because I put a gash in the right tire. I decided to ask some of the other two-eyed people in my life what she said was valid, and they all told me that she wasn't being reasonable, but I also know that these people are biased, and I understand that to fully sighted people this is different than to me which is why I'm unsure if I'm overreacting or not. TIA.

If I get angry because a person sleeps all the time and does nothing but sleep when there are many responsibilities to attend to and when I get angry he gets angry because I tell him that he sleeps all the time.

I (22F) brought my gf (24F) to my grandma’s Christmas party. I took her to my grandmas thanksgiving party and it went perfect. We made sure we weren’t too affectionate because of my grandmas homophobic past. The most we did was cuddle up on the couch, we tried not to kiss in front of anyone.

As soon as I walk in the door, my grandma pulls me aside and says “your gf is a very nice girl and I’m not homophobic, but you need to tone down the affection. You’re confusing your grandpa and the kids. I’m not trying to offend you but they’re not comfortable seeing that.” I was frozen after hearing that and asked my gf if we can talk privately in her car. I start having a panic attack in the car bc 1) it hurt hearing that my grandma doesn’t want me to be affectionate to my gf 2) she blamed it on the kids/my grandpa when I barely saw them during thanksgiving and ik the kids/their parents aren’t homophobic 3) this was the first time my gf felt accepted by a partners family only for it to be taken away. We both decided we didn’t feel comfortable going back so we left without saying goodbye.

I got calls from my family members and I told them what happened. They kept asking me to come back and I said no bc me and my gf weren’t comfortable. My sisters are mad at me and said I ruined Christmas bc my grandma was crying the whole time- they said it wasn’t worth the drama.

My grandma left me a voicemail asking me to go back because she “felt bad”. She never said sorry once.

AIO for leaving my grandmas party over her comment?

I’m going to start by giving a little bit of backstory. I (26f) have been with my husband (26m) for 8 years married for 3. My husband has never had a close relationship ship with his mom let’s call her Susan. He was raised by his grandparents and she wasn’t really involved in his life until he was about 16 when he moved in with her and his little sister until he was 18 and he went to college where we met.

His sister has always been his mom’s little angel and there is obviously favoritism seeing as she raised his sister while in my opinion she pawned him off on his grandparents. I have always had a good relationship with his grandparents, his aunts, and his cousins, but his mom has always felt fake nice. I won’t lie I don’t like her much. My husband has told me many stories about how she treated him while he was living with her and let’s just say she’s not a good mom to him.

Since we have been together she has made the promise to put more effort into their relationship too many times to count and she never follows through. My husband and I welcomed our son (6 months) into the world earlier this year and I had a traumatic birth, I felt like I was going to die and we weren’t sure my son was going to make it. He was born 2 months early via c-section. He texted his mom to let her know along with his other family that our son had been born, everyone called to talk to him except for her. Since then she never calls him. He is always the one who has to call her and 95% of the time she doesn’t answer or call back.

Well we live across the country from his family and for christmas his grandpa and aunt flew us to his home town to visit.

Now onto the story:

We stay with his grandpa while we are here so we saw Susan on the first day when she picked us up from the airport with husbands grandpa. She then went to pick up her daughter so that she could meet our son.

Fast forward to Christmas we go over to her house and she has like so many gifts for our son. I am grateful but it does feel like a bit of an overkill for a 6 month old. She gives us a gift of a date night where she will watch our son and we can go out child free. I immediately feel anxious but I try and just get past that. Then she says something along the lines of “you guys can go out and have a good night and then pick up son in the morning” my husband shuts that down and says that we can stay the night as a family there. I’m a little frustrated because I don’t want to accommodate her at all to be honest, and my husband can tell something is wrong and we go to the side and I let him know that it is going to be difficult to bring all of our sons essentials for the night to her house just to then have to bring them back to grandpas house. He agrees and tells susan that and she looks a little disappointed but doesn’t make a fuss.

I’m walking around looking at all of the pictures she has printed and she has dozens of my son, a few with my son and my husband and none with me and more than that a past photo of all of us before my son was born and I am cropped out of the photo. Whatever I’m not going to make a big deal out of it but I do think it is a little weird.

Then we ask if we are going to open my son’s gifts and she says that they were going to open them while my husband and I are on our date night. My husband says that we want to be there and she says we can do it before or after our date night then.

Fast forward to Christmas dinner and we are with his whole family and we are about to take a family picture and she comes over to grab my son from me for the picture and my husband says no we will be holding him for the family photo. She has also referred to my son has “her new boy” and “her boy” as well.

I already don’t like her much so I know I’m biased so I just want an outside opinion of if I’m overreacting by being weirded out by her behavior so far and being hesitant to leave my son alone with her for even a few hours.

My (30F) boyfriend (35M) is absolutely lovely.

Background on me: This is a throwaway because I used it to ask the relationship advice subreddit for advice when we were a little over two months in and I told him I loved him but he didn't say it back. People downvoted me because I evidently rushed things.

So for him: he makes sweet gestures all the time, has introduced me to his family, and shared love songs with me telling me to listen to the lyrics. He's so good at listening and understanding. But the problem is we're not great over text. All of our confusions have arisen because of text conversations where I read his tone wrong.

I'm getting better at understanding him, but here's the problem: I'm still insecure.

I've been away for Christmas and he hasn't initiated an "I miss you" (although has said it back), often texts with one or two words, and when I said counting down the days till I get back he said "oh no" so I left him on read and ten minutes later he added "can't wait" with a kissing face.

What I'm hung up on was Christmas morning. Being in different time zones, I sent a heartfelt message when I went to sleep so he'd have something nice to wake up to. I woke up to a simple "Merry Christmas" no punctuation, no emojis. This stung a bit.

I haven't told him that the lack of anything more stung and that I'm feeling insecure. Will I be overreacting if I bring it up?

relationship help

so recently i started being friends with an old partner of mines best friend(so my exs best friend) and at first i was really only using her for possible clientele and connectionsdue to the fact that shes a social person. however even with the little moments we’ve spent together ive grown more and more fond of her. to add fuel to this story, she has a bf, which throws me off when she says things like i love you or love you or your the best and giving me full attention or saying that we are twin flames and the same person. also we had stopped talkin this week on some different matters but when i picked her up drunk af she told me how much she missed me and how important the best and how shes so glad im single. i’ve acknowledged the fact to her that my main priority(which still is regardless of wherever this goes) is makin money and continue growing my company however after i brought that up she has acknowledged that i can be mature enough to be friends. am i being played/used or does she or does she not have feelings? a playa is genuinely confusion:( however im still gonna risk and see if shes down for more) also there feels like a tension that i just cant explain please give slme advice

Hey all! Me (27F) and my bf (26M) play video games alot. Everytime my bf wants to play a game, even if im not into it, has me play the game he wants with our group of friends. If I want him to try a game or play a game, he won't play anything that either I want him to try, or to play together. It's bugging me alot since I've just been asking to play 2 games with him, I've been asking and asking for about a year now. Ive tried talking to him about it and last conversation we had it was about "what the people want". I told him that it feels like he is putting others first since I've been asking for so long. He said im overreacting about it and doesn't see it as a big deal since we are playing together.

Note: for whatever reason he's kinda like the "leader" of our group, and pretty much whatever he says goes.

My boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) have been dating for about five months, and while he’s been great overall, there are two things bothering me that I’m not sure I can ignore.

The first issue is his female coworker. They carpool since she doesn’t have a car and lives nearby, which already made me a bit uncomfortable. But it got worse when it started interfering with our plans—like him canceling or changing things to make sure he could drive her. We talked about it, and he promised not to let her take priority over me, which worked for a while.

The second issue is his friends. We recently traveled to his home country, and when I met his friend group (about 15 people, including several girls), I felt completely left out. They barely talked to me, and even my boyfriend didn’t really include me in their conversations. It felt super awkward, especially since I was visiting and meeting them for the first time. One girl I’d already met a few times even “forgot” my name.

Now these two issues feel combined. His coworker recently got a car, so I thought that would mean no more carpooling and finally doing stuff after work that we haven’t been able to, like going to the gym. But he hinted that he might still carpool with her to save money, which really pissed me off since she now has her own car. Then at a party, one of his closest female friends (which is a whole other topic) brought up this coworker randomly, bragging about being on her “close friends” on Instagram. It threw me off because I’ve never even met this coworker, but somehow his friends know her and seem to like her. Choosing to talk about her to him than engage in a conversation with me.

I’m starting to feel like I’m not a priority. If he keeps driving her even though she has her own car, it’ll feel like he’s ignoring how I feel. I love him and don’t want to break up, but these issues are making me doubt his relationship with this coworker and feel even more jealousy over his friends. I know that I do struggle with jealousy and just want to make sure that I’m not overthinking/overreacting. I plan to talk to him about it when he’s back at work, but I’m not sure what to do. Any advice?

I guess this is sort of an update bc I have posted on here before, but basically I took some peoples advice and just blankly talked with her, I did that and she was mad but said okay. Then now I've deleted tiktok.

For anyone new here's some context- my best friend I'd very impatient and will spam call me just to get my attention then instant hang up ehen i answer.That's okay, it's annoying sometimes but not that srs. Thing Is it will just be over tiktok, like she wants me to watch the tik toks she sent me. I personally don't like tiktok very much, I used to be addicted and spend entire days on it, so I try my best to not even open the app. She on the other hand, spends alot if her time on it. Not rlly my business tho so I don't judge her for it.

So basically she will get me to watch her tiktoks (which are all just ai Mr beast skibidi rizz haha brainrot) and I have to respond to every one, not just watch it. Sometimes when I'm already on the app I just start scrolling, making me not wanna watch her tiktoks in the first place.

I've posted this before and I got alot of ppl saying to just delete the app and talk to her abt it. I talked to her about it irl, then later deleted the app. Now I feel like I'm not sure if I should just watch them, or if she's being rude about it. Also I should note calls nearly everyone fat, it's not meant to be taken literal. When I've called her out on that she says "I don't mean it like that obv Ur a skinny queen" or smth like that.

So this is really long but i don’t wanna leave out details because I need an honest and clear opinion with full context.

So me (M19) and my ex (F17) have known each other since October 2023. We were in the same college and were talking on and off for months but it was very unserious. My initial vibe was she was a pretty and sweet girl with confidence yet quiet and out the way. She had qualities I liked; Christian, didn’t swear, had intelligent convos, was waiting till marriage for sex. I never knew her on a deep enough level to know the deeper her but I’ll get to that. I was quite unserious in the initial 3 months we were just talking regularly at college. I can be quiet, socially awkward, never had a girlfriend or done anything sexual not even a kiss. I get some attention and only once was I entertaining two girls at once, but I have no bad intentions with girls, I just get told I look like a “player” and I use it to my advantage so people don’t see me as a guy who’s overly nice and shy with total inexperience with girls but a guy who’s chill and laidback. I was just handsome enough to be entertained with but never been desired or popular enough to be taken seriously so I stopped being a “nice guy/loverboy” and just went with the flow 99% of the time from then on.

So we start talking seriously/ exclusively and in the beginning of July, 2024. After months of mutual unseriousness, We had a little date/hangout in the final weeks of college and she was genuinely sweet and friendly and kind girl I had mentioned before but just a couple weeks after college ended, she had blocked me on everything. I wasn’t even invested but My ego was hurt a little and I sent an emotional text on a burner account. She replied, apologising for blocking me and appreciated my effort for always being patient, despite her fault finding, bad communication and lack of reciprocation and her overall avoidant attitude, and did the usual it’s me not you. She also said “I’m talking to someone else and it doesn’t make sense that you’re still trying with me when you know that. I’m not a horrible person but I get uncomfortable when things seem to get serious, and In all honesty you’re a great guy with great communication and you deserve a girl just like that”. I was abit shorised someone had finally recognised my qualities but also the same familiar sting that I’d get in school when my crush would not be interested in progressing with me (despite flirting and entertaining me). I just liked the attention I was getting from her at the time and I wanted an apology for the sudden ghost. I was bored and my ego was hurt and I still told her we could just start on a fresh plate and go on a date since it’s summer and jsut see where things go since we barely spoke in person in college. but things flipped unexpectedly from here.

After a few awkward days of not talking she explained that the guy she was talking to had “disrespected her too many times” and I saw he was removed from her followings. She then agreed to the date and I got a further apology and with my unexpected success, we were talking again. Then she randomly sends me:

“know it seems like I'm a horrid person but that's just before you get to know me I kinda have a barrier-ish idk, but thank you for putting in the effort with me cause your acc all I want and asked for even tho we haven't seen each other a lot you kept trying with me even tho I kept pushing you away kinda have a lot more to say so remind me on fridayyy”

I was super surprised and didn’t expect it and was wondering how my basic communication and patience and understanding was suddenly so attractive to her. I didn’t think of it too much and still kept my hopes down but I’ve never been appreciated like this before and it was going to be my first proper date with anyone. So the first date entails. Lead to my first kiss, my first time hugging, holding hands whatever, I’m playing it cool but we both couldn’t believe how good the date went and she became 100x more attractive than she already was. And that’s where our attachment began. Second date amazing. Third date even better. At his point we’re locked in over the course of 4 weeks. Eventually I have to go to my country of origin to visit family and unfortunately cannot see her for 3 weeks. It’s hard being so attached and so distant from her and we had a couple issues but as soon as I came back it went right back to normal. I tell my mum about her and she gets invited to my aunties wedding. She comes to my house for the first time. We get intimate (no intercourse since we’re waiting) but as intimate as possible without doing that. More dates more hangouts at my house. I buy her gifts, flowers, quality time, paragraphs and letters telling her how she means to me. Eventually she’s my girlfriend after a £300 proposal date. I gave her Everything. I’m her dream man and she’s my dream girl. The girl who was never loved correctly and never treats right and the guy who was always rejected and never appreciated. Worse combination ever.

See shit went downhill fast but I had an uneasy feeling for a long time. We were doomed from the start. My ex isn’t diagnosed with anything but she brought up that she relates and correlates with the traits of have BPD, PMDD (severe emotional instability during period) and also that she may have a fearful avoidant attachment. I didn’t know what any of this meant, but I listened to her but i never truly took in any of this deeply, I just wanted to love her and plus I was under the illusion everything was going amazingly.

As a guy never in a relationship and a bit ignorant I realise thats I followed far too much models and girls in my past and used to repost on TikTok some inappropriate humour that any girl deeply interested in me would have a problem with. Key word is USED to. But it’s fair to feel a type of way about it. And I fixed all of these things seemingly at the door. I wanted to maintain the “your everything I want” “you’re the perfect guy for me” view she had of me. The constant flattery and admiration she gave me made me feel appreciated in ways I never felt before and I know I was shaking her love and respect she’d never felt before. Now I get that she has never been treated right or wanted for more than her body by her exes and also how her narcissistic father and emotionally unstable mother affects her but She doesn’t know how to communicate well. She just kind of goes silent for an hour or so and would scroll down to months back on my reposts and like them to notify me. She’d repost indirects about how she was disappointed and stuff like that to make me feel bad. When id ask what’s wrong I had to communicate and navigate and all id get was sarcastic or vague answers. When id finally sorted the issue and seemingly read her mind for what she wanted I’d either remove a repost or remove a like from a models post or just over explain and reassure her this is the past and I only had eyes for her. She’d then come back to me and apologise for being distant and non responsive and go back to her usual lovey dovey flattering self. She’d apologise for lack of communication and lack of response and reactivity but we’d pretty much keep doing this dynamic for a while. I just assumed it was temporary for the relationship and we’d grow out of it. Hopefully shed realise I was a safe person to talk to and she would have no need to fault find with me because I was genuine.

But she never really learnt how to communicate. She’s just randomly do that every 3 weeks or so. I encouraged her more and more to communicate. One time she asked about a female friend from secondary school in my following. Now I have to admit it was an old crush from 4 years ago but it was never reciprocated and we became platonic friends and hadn’t spoken in months. She did that same dynamic thing and I tried to problem solve by telling her to communicate her wants and needs so we have more clarity. Naturallly anyone in the past who we liked or used to like we agreed should be removed (some people are pretty easy going with this type of thing but a lot aren’t) and it didn’t even occur to me that she was an old crush until a couldn’t dats after and I told her she was a crush from 4 years ago and wether or not I should remove her since it was a while ago and was never reciprocated. She then said “thanks for being honest” and went quiet for hours. This was while I was in my home country with limited WiFi. She then changed our profile pic from us to just her and reposted tiktoks indicating she was disappointed. I felt like such a failure. I blamed myself constantly for her emotional reactions and lack of communication.

This type of thing would happen a lot. It ruined my nervous system. One minute I was the sweet loving boy of her dreams the next I was letting her down with things she wouldn’t communicate. I removed so many girls /female friends to the point was just my very close female friends which I don’t see an issue with as long as she was doing the same.

But what could have been clear communication that would of solved the issue in one or two conversations was dragged for so long just because she got used to me trying to figure her out and over extending myself while she could just withdraw emotionally whenever things got uncomfortable. It was stressful and made me feel like I was failing at being her sweet boy. She did little manipulative things like changing her profile pic back to just herself like 3 times in the relationship and one time told me that “she’s be looking good in college if I ever started to give up and treat her badly” which was just such an odd and random thing to say in the middle of healthy communication. On time we opened up about our insecurities during a bible study session on FaceTime and she asked me what she wanted her to wear fr

• [ ] 6 weeks into being serious and a day after being invited to my aunties wedding, she is telling me about how her friend is being pressured into more sexual stuff by her bf because she gave him head which she indicated she relates to and feels sympathy for. I immediately ask her what she meant by that and ask if she’s given head before. Bear in mind, this is a girl who takes a lot of pride in being a virgin and not having a body count which i admire a lot about her and share that same morality on. This is Also a girl who doesn’t like strong details like sexual past being hidden and hates finding out things that should have been said so we had the bodycount talk days into getting to know each other. Somehow she left out the fact that she gave her 2 exes head in the year before I met her. She hadn’t technically lied, but I felt mislead. Yes it’s not sex but it’s sexual. She was deeply apologetic and says she forgot or thought we talked about it already. I just don’t see how that adds up. She’s not a liar but I can’t help but think how convenient it was. It also pissed me off because I knew the type of emotional reaction and feelings I would deal with if the roles were reversed. I felt sick and mislead and aired her for a couple hours to process my disgust, disappointment and anger. But I came back and apologised for being unresponsive for hours while she was blowing up my phone apologising. I communicated my disgust and disappointment and the double standard but still I considered her pov and gave her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t keep it from her. I hated being mad at her. But the end of the night we sorted and solve those issues. Immediately you can see the difference in conflict resolve and emotional stability between me and her. I never noticed at the time, love can be blinding.
• [ ] About 2 months into being serious I had not long asked her to be my official girlfriend with a pretty expensive and elaborate proposal date thingy. We get invited to her close friends birthday at a restaurant and Shisha longue. I don’t like to judge people but i can’t help it sometimes but i think they just aren’t mature and good for my ex. Shes Christian, doesn’t drink or smoke or swear and is virtuous (kind of) in terms of sex her main friends are the opposite. Don’t get me wrong I have a few friends who are like that two but they at least offer me some type of emotional intelligence and I have some type of boundaries and distance with them. I feel like she was a bit of people pleaser with them. I’m not the most social guy but I knew immature and hungry guys would be there and I felt like I had to be there so my girlfriend wouldn’t be uncomfortable. I had no doubts with her loyalty, it’s guy I don’t trust because I know how sneaky and persistent they can be towards girls , especially my ex cos she’s beautiful and gets a lot of attention. We get to the function and everything is cool, they aren’t my type of people but everyone is fine but it’s just the two other guys and I can see how they are scanning all the girls there with lustful eyes. Unfortunately my ex was friendly asf. We both spoke briefly about how we didn’t have a friendly to opposite gender but after that day I saw clearly not. She initially didn’t say much to the guys but as time went on, she conversed with one of the guys we knew from college more and more. He would approach anything with a pulse. My ex was being hella friendly with him, while sitting next to me. Just casually flowing between me and him like it was normal. I felt like an option. Like my own girlfriend was giving the attention that was supposed to be reserved for me. There was no direct flirting but she just can’t see why she cannot be friendly to use type of guys. Of course hungry lustful guys perceive friendly behaviour as flirting. I can’t believe I had to tell her this after. Right in front of me too. Her own friends had to pull her to the side to stop her from being friendly with him. It was the most anxious and embarrassing couple hours of my life. I didn’t speak the whole way back and it was an awkward walk home. I knew I didn’t have the words and if I spoke it would be anger. As I let drop her off the train station, i felt bad for ignoring her and despite the disrespect and anger I felt, it didn’t override the overall respect and love for her that I had, God forbid I didn’t want that to be our last ever interaction if anything happened to us. I told her the get home safe and lean for a kiss. Only like an hour later when I was home did she text me in depth trying to communicate and deeply apologise for the way she’s acted. Still, after my rant, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and took it as an opportunity to educate her and show her why she can’t act the way she did and how even unintentionally she can make guys feel like they have a chance with her. Again, by the end of the night, it was sorted despite it still replaying over and over in my mind.
• [ ] The next thing. I can’t remember when it was, but it after all of the previous two. Me, her and her sister were in a group chat. I come back home from a shift and I see in her tiktok repsots she’s reposted something about finding cartoon characters attractive. I don’t think anything of it but after a few minutes something in me feels weird. It’s cartoon characters so it feels very stupid and unnecessary to be mad at, but it wasn’t really to do with the characters themselves, once again it was to do with her lack of consideration because I know If it was me, something would be said. Even if it was minor, something would be said or I’d get some type of attitude at least. And of course she continues with the joke at first about how attractive they are. I try to show her I’m bothered without seeming overly insecure about cartoon characters but more to do with the principle of her not considering and thinking about the roles reversed. She removed it pretty fast but, for hours we got back and fourth and her sister is trying to help her see where she’s going wrong and being immature and invalidating my feelings. I eventually let it go because it feels stupid spending the evening being upset about cartoon characters but I just couldn’t believe how invalidating and dismissive she was of me. It was a hit and confusing because she was really good and letting me express how I felt about anything but when it was to do with something she’s done that makes me feel a type of way that she might not immediately understand, im met with immediate defensiveness, rudeness and deflection. Then I get a blunt “good night” text rather than the usual “good night handsome sleep well I love you” and I couldn’t believe how she made the situation about me expressing my feelings into how she felt about me expressing my feelings. I spoke with her sister privately about how ridiculous she was being and we talked about her behaviour and other issues about her. Eventually next morning I’d get and apology after explaining to her how she acted and things got back smoothly but I still bothered me how I had to be vulnerable and express myself despite time and time again she’s proven she isn’t a mature or safe person and reliable to come to for this.
• [ ] There were at least 3 other TikTok’s she reposted that bothered me after this but at this point I couldn’t be asked for a repeat of that situation. I gaslighted myself into telling myself they weren’t that deep and I was nitpicking so held it in. I
  

Me and her sister would talk more in depth about her and over the course of the last few weeks of the relationship, we’d happen to just keep talking about deep mental and religious and relationship things that I should have been having with my girlfriend. I understood how wrong it was to keep going to her sister for deep and honest and uncomfortable talks, we even mentioned to each other that we shouldn’t be talking this much as I shouldve been doing it with her instead but based on everything I just said, surely its understandable right? Not excusing it but Like I have my reasons and im not going crazy or ignorant here?

Anyways. Here’s the thing that broke us up. When we were chilling a couple days before our anniversary of when we first met, she casually asks me about my old phone that’s sitting on my bedside table. For context, this phone is an iPhone 8, cracked screen, no sim. I only used the phone for listening to music when my regular phone was dead. I also used it for writing lyrics for when I went to studio since I can’t listen to betas on YouTube and write lyrics on the same device at the same time. I just liked having the phone around for pure convenience. It stopped being my primary phone in 2022 when I got my current phone. However it’s the same iCloud. So everything that was on this phone goes to that phone, but not everything I deleted that shouldn’t be on this phone got deleted from that phone if that makes sense. Old contacts of girls I used to talk to before her, old pics of models or chats with girls that i screen shotted in the camera roll, also my old Instagram accounts that have nothing compromising disrespectful or cheating on them. If she was to go through and look, she would quite obviously see that everything there is old and before us talking seriously. But based on everything I just said you can see how my nervous system was in shambles at this point. I just wanted peace. To feel like I was doing something right with her. Anticipating that emotional reaction and withdrawal. Knowing that when things get real or uncomfortable it will be me alone trying to fight for her love and attention to resolve friction or anything remotely uncomfortable. It will be me Wondering if she’s loosing love for me each and Every time we get into a disagreement or there’s friction. It will be me tolerating her spiteful and reactive behaviour. Scrambling and over explaining and apologising and then welcoming her back when she’s cooled off and what’s to be lovey dovey again. It was driving me crazy but not losing her and keeping her happy was my first priority. I only used the phone for listening to music when my regular phone was dead. I also used it for writing lyrics for when I went to studio since. So when she asked me if I used the phone. I panicked within that moment and I said no. Then she picked it up and asked if I knew the passcode and I said no. She put it down and we got back to cuddling and watching our movie. A couple days later, I take a day off of work for our anniversary thing and miss out on that days pay and we have a nice time just chilling and giving each other gifts or whatever.

However the next day, after my shift I get home and we set up a FaceTime call. After asking about each others day, she asks me: “I want to ask you something but I think I should wait in person”. after some playful back and forth I tell her to just ask. And she asks “was you telling the truth about not using your old phone and not knowing the passcode”. I tell her use in what way. She says either u use it or not. And I say yes just for music and bars and other convenience. And she asks why I lied. I understand how her kind works and how it could be suspicious so I offer to just go through it with her while I show on FaceTime. So when I do that I go to iMessage, phone contacts, and other apps however when she asks me to go on Instagram, and I immediately remember I have my old accounts signed in not my regular one. Instantly I panic and I stall going onto Instagram and she starts getting pissed. I try to explain to her and she puts down the call. That’s when shit goes south.

I send paragraph after paragraph, explaining myself and panicking and I get one word answers. She asks if I’m cheating and say no and try to send a video of my other Instagram to prove I’m not cheating and I continue to apologise. I barely sleep all night and I see her reposts are all about how disappointed and “done” she is. The next day I see she then changes her profile picture from our cute couple pic back to herself. She reposts horrible reposts about how ugly I am and how much she regretted being with me and how she no longer craved me. I send more paragraphs telling her I want to fix this and how sorry I am. She gives me more one word answers. I see she’s posted flowers on her private story now. They are obviously not recent, but the post was made to look like it was recent. She then posts on the same private story an old video or her and her friend screaming lyrics related to being single while in her friends car. Someone she used to entertain hit her up and was trying to get back with her in her message requests and she didn’t reply but she screenshots it and also puts it on the private story and captions it “awwww”. Then she links up with her close friends and she posts a thirst trap in the shopping centre changing rooms and also adds that to the private story. I’m assuming this story had only me on it.

She then sends a snap to me and I open it and it says “you need to send all of your passwords or I don’t think this is going to work” and i immediately get into a further panic. I’m pretty sure this is blackmail. I argue back and forth with her and she acts like she’s about to leave so I fold and give her my Snapchat password. She goes through chats with my close friend and with female friends. She then mistakes one of my boys for a female and looks through the chat and finds a picture he saved in the chat that he took of me and my old crush from 3 years ago at prom. She never liked me back and only went to prom with me as friends pretty much. She then sent it to me and asked me who it was. When I told her the name, she recognised I was following this girl on Instagram in the first couple weeks of us being serious and she was mad about it because I didn’t tell her. She then went into my snap chat memories which is like a camera roll built into Snapchat for those who don’t know and saw pictures that I had taken of her ass whenever we were out or just chilling in my house without her knowing. Now this obviously I can’t defend this. It was weird and creepy and I overstepped. She had zero issue sending me freaky pics or nudes but a lot of the time I don’t wanna ask too much. In the stages of us talking casually she’d always poke fun at the fact that she thought I was a player and only wanted her for her body so When we first got serious I didn’t want make any bold first moves so I let her initiate everything apart from the first kiss. She’d sit on my lap, pull me closer, Move her hands all type of stuff. I know that’s not an excuse but yes I overstepped. She wasn’t super mad at this after she calmed down, and said it was fine just to tell her next time but at the time it was like the cherry on top of everything else for her. I changed my password and logged her out as I felt like she was going too far and it felt weird someone being in all my accounts and she asked for them back or we’d break up and tried to write paragraphs with tears in my face and eventually she blocked me and I broke down. A couple days later i got on a burner account and after some back and forth we “made up” but clearly not as a week later she was still posting disrespectful reposts on TikTok and I called her up on it and we started arguing all over again and she blocked me. I broke down again. Then a couple weeks later I learnt to live life without her but still thought of her and sent her a heartfelt letter to her address. She unblocked me and once again back and forth. I got called a manipulator and gaslighter because I was trying to make her reaction a problem to my disrespect. But I was trying to show her how I felt disrespected and unconsidered for a long time and didn’t feel safe to even speak up about it without it being deflected or just getting an apology with no change. I know she’s not an evil mean girl. Ive felt so safe with her at times. I used to cry and open up to her. She’s taken care of me in ways a lot of people haven’t. But I saw a spiteful and immature side to her that I can’t unsee now. I still love her. I know what she went through and I know that she’s hurting, maybe she’s getting over it faster than me. I told my friends who are still at college not to tell me about her so I can heal quicker. But I just want to know AITA in this situation. I lied, I lusted over her and I confided in her sister more than I should have. I have my reasons sure but was I responsible for the end of the relationship?