AIO - Boyfriend "cheated" on me

[u/KillMePlease420thnx]

I'll start this by saying we met mid December 2023 and immediately hit it off, by February we started saying "I love you" to each other (I know it's fast shush) and although we never really had a talk about making it "official" by the time we said we loved each other I was under the impression that we were definitely exclusive. At the time we were falling asleep on call every night and hanging out almost every week when we were free.

A couple months ago he was on his instagram in front of me and I saw messages between him and a girl with a pretty provocative PFP. And although I know this is wrong, I went through his phone the next morning while he was still asleep. Keep in mind we are in August now so we have been dating for a couple months and it's definitely official. Anyways I saw a couple of recent messages between them, nothing toonalarming so I was about to turn off his phone when I saw an ass pic she had sent him. I checked the date and it was the 25th of Feb. I scrolled up some more and saw they started talking sexually about the 15th of Feb, before that the conversations were strictly friendly. The way they started talking more sexually was when he said he had something to tell her which after her prying for more info turned out to be him confessing his attraction to her.

She reciprocated and they would sext and talk a lot throughout those couple days. He would call her beautiful and all these other names and tell her how much she turned him on. The part that hit me the hardest is one night she called him randomly at about 1am - me and him were on call at the time and I was fast asleep - and when he asked her if she's okay she replied saying that she was just bored and wanted to talk. At that point he hung up on me and called her for hours. That part hurt me more than anything for some reason.

Eventually the texts stopped for a while before the most recent ones where they werent being sexual or anything. he never mentioned me once in their messages and there is nothing on his account that indicated that he had a girlfriend which sucks because not only was he lying to me but also to her.

I can't begin to explain the mental breakdown I had. Because I have BPD however, I tend to doubt if I am overreacting or not as my emotions can very quickly spiral over small things. Input from someone who thinks more rationally than me would be so appreciated even if it's harsh.

Ever since I saw those messages I have had no trust in him at all, however I do try my best to keep it to myself as I don't ever want to be controlling and jealous because I know that can quickly ruin a relationship. Please tell me if this is something I should act on or just forget, I think about this almost every day even though it happened months ago. Every time he calls me beautiful I think about how he was saying the same thing to her. Every time I wake up and out call is hung up I worry that he hung up on me to talk to another girl. It's frankly driving me insane and I can't talk to my best friend about it because I feel all her answers are very biased towards me.

TLDR - my boyfriend was sexting another girl when I thought me and him were official as we were saying ily to each other.

[u/No-Cockroach-4237]

i really felt this because i’ve been in a similar situation. my partner cheated and used porn (knowing i was strictly monogamous and that i had a boundary that watching porn was off limits.)

it’s really hard in the beginning. it’s been like eight months and i still really struggle with feelings of disgust and inadequacy towards myself. with heavy distrust towards him. we’re young and he wants to go to parties and out with his friends and before i wouldn’t have batted an eye; but now all i can do is worry. it takes communication and patience from both sides.

but also. some things just can’t be fixed. once that trust is broken…i’m going to be honest it’s never going to be the same again. you can stay and you can love him all you like; but it’s going to be different. and it’s going to hurt. and if you stay you’re going to have to accept that.

if both parties put the work in to reconcile; it can be done. do you have a therapist? someone you can lean on other than your partner at this time?

[u/KillMePlease420thnx → u/No-Cockroach-4237]

Yeah I've had a lot of talks with him about it and he seems to understand and have remorse over what he did but I have also found multiple other things on his phone that broke my trust even more. It's very hard because I can't tell if he genuinely loves me or is just a really good manipulator, he says all the right things but I see a different truth in his actions. I had a therapist but can't afford to see her anymore and I live really far from everyone I know so at the moment I only have him. And I think that's part of the reason I don't want to leave him, because if I do I'll be almost completely alone and isolated.

[u/No-Cockroach-4237 → u/KillMePlease420thnx]

not to sound like a broken record but psychology today . com has some resources for affordable tele health services if you haven’t explored there before. (assuming you’re in the usa/canada)

if he keeps going against his word, you really have nothing to stand on unfortunately. it takes openness and truthfulness now from his end to repair what his infidelity broke. if he isn’t taking the proper steps to repair the relationship…you’re beating a dead horse. i’m sorry

[u/LilRedLady → u/KillMePlease420thnx]

Not to sound like a broken record player as well, but actions speak volumes louder than words. If he can talk the talk, but not walk the walk, then it’s time for you to put your shoes on. I know it can be a lot leaving, especially when you’re so far from the comforts of family, but sometimes in these situations is when you really find yourself.