r/AdultChildren • u/Fuzzy-Chair-866 • 1d ago
my mom is drinking again
my mom has always been an alcoholic. i’m in college now, and this summer i found out she was taking money out of my bank account. my sister, uncle, and i had an intervention and she admitted to being an alcoholic and addict to multiple drugs. she went to rehab for 30 days, and i started going to therapy. we have began to rebuild a relationship after her addiction had completely destroyed it. she had payed me back regularly in increments. recently, she’s been “low on money” and not paying me back well. she just asked me & my sister if we could help with the phone bill. i paid the phone bill most of highschool & college before she went to rehab. i called her and she admitted to drinking on a few occasions, but said she wasn’t doing any drugs. she probably is lying. i almost feel the same level of betrayal as i did when i found out she took my money. any words of encouragement? i don’t know why i was so hopeful, but for a minute i saw a side of her that i had never seen. i guess i’m just also upset that my future looks like a revolving door of sobriety/relapse for her. i know i could cut her off, and it probably would be better for my mental health but also i want to be there for her.
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u/SOmuch2learn 1d ago
I’m sorry for the heartbreak of alcoholism in your life.
What helped me was Alanon. This is a support group for you—friends and family of alcoholics. See /r/Alanon.
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u/libananahammock 1d ago
Please close your joint bank account with her on it and open up a new bank account with only your name. And also check your credit with all 3 agencies on a regular basis.
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u/ornery_epidexipteryx 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m over 40- grew up with both alcoholic/substance abusing parents, and my younger sister became an addict in her teens and struggled with sobriety her entire adult life….
So I have a lot of experience dealing with lying, excuse making, and manipulation.
Everything you mentioned is manipulation. Your mom has relapsed and is lying. She has become reliant on you to cover her, and is manipulating you into being an enabler.
It is possible to support your mom without dropping contact- here are some of my hard rules:
1). Never buy or pay for anything, and definitely never give cash or money in any way.
On occasion I will buy my dad a meal, or socks and underwear, but anything else- including groceries are off limits. My reasoning is that my dad can get food stamps, rent assistance, and even a government paid phone in America. He just has to be responsible, and go to the offices and ask for support. Your mom can to- everything else is a privilege.
2). Express your displeasure and worries, but avoid “guilt-tripping”, “blaming”, and being generally over emotional.
This is a hard one, and it took years of recovery to fully reach, but you can do it in increments. One major issue with addicts in recovery is the guilt of relapse- my sister in particular really struggled with guilt and hid her relapses mostly out of guilt. So getting upset and offended about a relapse is actually counter-productive to their recovery.
I’m not saying your feelings are not legitimate- they are! Express those feelings in therapy-not to your mom. Your mom expects anger- show her disappointment. Your mom may even crave the drama of a confrontation! Don’t give her the satisfaction by adding to her complex. When engaging with her imagine she is a character in a show- ignore your strong emotions and interact with her on a neutral field… like her actions mean nothing to you. I realize this sounds strange, but if you can achieve it you will actually be fostering a door to her honesty. Your mom is less likely to lie to you if she isn’t afraid of how you will react. Do all your reacting in therapy or in safe places like this reddit.
3). Set boundaries and be proactive against manipulation.
Story time- my sister stole my check book and wrote checks all over town causing my bank account to go negative and I almost lost my car. She apologized, but never paid me back. She sobbed and begged for forgiveness, and later on I still sat with her at AA meetings and drove her to appointments. I accepted that if I gave her the chance to steal from me- it was my fault for not setting better boundaries. It kind of goes with that “wrong me once- shame on you, wrong me twice- shame on me.” I knew my sister was a liar and a thief when she was high- and I still let her near my purse without supervision. In short- I needed to have better boundaries.
It seems like money is a big issue and your mom uses it to manipulate you. Give up trying to have your mom pay you back- instead tell her you will forget what she owes you if she accepts new boundaries with you. Separate everything from your mom. If you share any accounts- trash them. If she pays any of your bills- take over them. If you pay any of her bills- turn them over to her. If her name is on anything- get it removed. But remember! This is not punishment- this is protection. Explain to her that it will be better for you both if you can eliminate any arguments about bills or money. Detangle yourself so that she can’t steal from you again in another moment of weakness. Also, change your passwords, and any other security you have to. Until your mom is fully recovered just assume she may steal from you again, and protect yourself.
I know all of this seems harsh, but I promise it will help you in the long run. If she ever fully recovers it will just have been a precaution.
I hope this helps- just remember that you can support her recovery and still set boundaries.