Mom died from cirrhosis, sister drinking

[u/ophelia8991]

My sister was my moms caretaker for the last 5 years of her life (my job before that) and since mom died 3 years ago, my sister has been drinking a lot. I’ve spoken to her twice before about this. She is in her late 40s.

I saw her recently for Christmas and she was looking super unhealthy, bloated. She slept until the afternoon on Christmas and was drinking wine when awake

I know I can’t do anything to help her get her life on track. But what is my responsibility here? Do I speak to her again? I think she should stop drinking and consider getting a job, both for the money and health insurance AND to have structure in her life

Thoughts?

[u/antisyzygy-67]

You have zero responsibility. If it were me I would remind my sister how much I loved her, and let her know I support her and would.love to see her take better care of herself. But that's about all you can do.

[u/ornery_epidexipteryx]

Sounds like your sister is spiraling. She may be very defensive about her health and her habits. The best you can do is tell her you’re worried, offer to help her in her recovery, and support her in getting therapy.

My little sister struggled with addiction for years. I drove her to therapy, sat with her in AA meetings, paid several of her bills to alleviate her stress, and helped her get jobs. She still would relapse.

I’m not telling you this to be defeatist- I’m telling you this because through my struggles I thought it was my responsibility to help her- I felt guilty that I couldn’t help her. After several years I finally accepted that she was not my responsibility, and that she wasn’t ready to heal.

I eventually went low contact because she was on a rollercoaster of sobriety and relapse that I had to separate from.

My point is that all you can do is make your worries known and offer support. Just don’t allow yourself to feel responsible.

If she refuses therapy, or denies the fact she needs help, or she refutes that she has a problem… you might try to involve other healthy family members and contact a therapist to guide you in a family intervention. A therapist will also help by being a neutral party.

I hope you the best.

[u/Glum_Reason308]

I wish I had the answer. My mom also died of cirrhosis from drinking. Since she died (in July) all my brother and stepdad have done is stayed drunk. My brother has had to call the ambulance twice to pick up my stepdad because he’s nearly drank himself to death. I’ve basically had no relationship with them since mom’s passing. Sometimes my brother calls me pissed because “I’m not there”. I don’t know what he expects me to do? All they do is drink vodka from morning to night. I don’t want to be around that.

[u/daylatedollarshort2]

I wouldn't frame anything as your "responsibility." You have to guard yourself. You can try speaking to her. If she's receptive you can discuss things in whatever manner you two usually do. But I've never found blunt honesty, or fear, to be particularly good motivators for changing behavior. I lost my father to cirrhosis 7 years ago. I feel like I'm going through this again with my cousin, although his issue isn't alcohol. Try to keep the lines of communication open as best you can without allowing yourself to get taken advantage of.

[u/SilentSerel]

Your responsibility is to yourself. Look after your own well-being. She cannot be changed unless she wants to.

[u/MidwestNightgirl]

I think you can only be there for her. Let her know you’re concerned. Otherwise she has to want to change her life.

[u/BrilliantNResilient]

I’m watching something similar like this happen in my own family.

I know that telling people to be different doesn’t work.

I don’t like when people do it to me either.

Here’s what I’m doing…

I’m worried and concerned so I check in with what they’re feeling.

If they open up, I listen.

I ask if they want my thoughts, feelings or support to see how they receive it.

If they’re fight me, I let it go.

I’m not doing them any favors by forcing them to live the way they don’t want to.

I check in every once in a while.

My relationship with them gets better each time I check in.

I’ve been doing that for years.

[u/Zihna_wiyon]

You have to understand you can’t control your sister. You can’t cure her either. And she’s likely drinking to cope with what sounds like was your mom’s traumatic death.

[u/FlightAffectionate22]

My Mom had early heart failure brought on by alcoholism and an opioid addiction, and my brother is a drug addict. I understand your pain, though I'm not sure what to tell you to help you. Stay strong and centered.

[u/rasta-nipples]

Does she have kids and are still at home? Those ones are the only ones you should watch out for.

Your sister knows the effects from your families experience but is obviously not ready to overcome them and live a healthy lifestyle. It’s not your responsibility to try and change that. Be clear about your thoughts on the situation, don’t leave things left unsaid, but be calm, and only have the conversation when she is somewhat sober because there is no point when she’s not.

As for the kids, if they do exist reach out to them (you don’t need to tell them specifically of your concerns) just let them know you support them and would be there if they need it. They need to have someone to help pull them out of being raised as an enabler or to try and think they can fix the problem. Not helping them, especially if they are aware and involved in the situation, can have serious consequences for their long term mental health and relationships.