r/AdultChildren • u/frostedbeansyum • 2d ago
Looking for Advice Alcoholic mother at Christmas
Hey guys, I’m 23, currently staying with my mother of 66 before I go away to work abroad, it’s just me and her, we don’t really have any other family, my mum is known to drink large volumes of alcohol when she feels that she’s free to, for example Christmas, parties ect, she will drink all day, for example she drank herself silly last night, woke up drunk and carried on drinking and now she’s sitting in the living room legless, I honestly dread Christmas because of this, I’ve never felt so alone in my life.. every-time she does this I get angry, it brings back this inner trauma and I can’t help but lash out at her, she becomes incoherent, I hate it and it honestly makes me want to slit my wrists (very extreme but that’s honestly how I feel right now.) I can’t go out anywhere because I’m bed ridden with the flu, just wondering if anyone has any advice? I’m currently sobbing into my pillow.
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u/Ebowa 2d ago
Attend an al-anon mtg online. That’s what I did when things went that way yesterday and it made me feel better just because I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I used the al-anon app but I’m sure you can find zoom meetings. I chose al-anon because I just wanted to know others were going through the same. And they are.
And watched a movie and cried. You’re not alone
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u/queengashem 2d ago
Aw I’m so sorry. I’ve been dealing with my alcoholic Mum this Christmas too. It feels like a horribly lonely and isolating situation. I often feel the same very intense feelings that you’ve described here, and it helps me to continuously write them down. Sometimes I write letters to her, or to my younger self. It feels therapeutic to record those thoughts and feelings before they overwhelm me to the point that I wouldn’t be able to name them anymore. Know that there are a whole community of us who are empathising with and rooting for you ❤️
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u/frostedbeansyum 2d ago
Thank you so much, sending you lots of love and healing thoughts, I’m glad there is a community of us here, we can all have each others backs ❤️
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u/Relative_Corgi2060 2d ago
I’m right there with you. All I can think of are all the wasted years I spent trying to get her to be a good mom. But we are not alone and I’m glad you wrote this post. I find getting the emotions out on “paper”helps and reaching out to others, even virtually is a a great step.
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u/frostedbeansyum 1d ago
Thank you so much, it’s a very draining issue, I constantly tell her how her drinking makes me feel but to no avail, it’s like alcohol completely numbs their ability to care, my mum turns into a complete narcissist when she’s drunk, I will try those things, knowing others are going through the same thing is very comforting ❤️
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u/Ivegotaname_ 1d ago
Just wanted to say it can get better and send you love. I think this is the first Christmas since I realized my mom's drinking was abnormal where I wasn't filled with anxiety 24/7 and cried at some point.
The kicker? My mom still has a drinking problem but I've set some firm boundaries and have a lot of supportive people around. I found people who get me and understand what it's like to grow up with addiction. I have a good therapist. And I have had to set some firm really tough boundaries. Did my mom kinda guilt me to stay yesterday longer then I planned? Yeah, but I've also made it clear to her that I won't be around her drinking like that.
So I found myself at home finishing a puzzle and watching terrifier 3.
I feel you though. It can feel so fuckin lonely. Like you're the only one infested with this familial shame and everyone else has it together. I'm so sorry you're hurting and it's tough man.
Therapy, al anon, books (I've got recs!) Finding community, etc.
Short term: water, sleep, resting your body while you're sick and just trying to practice little kind meditation to yourself.
Seriously love to you (32 f just so ya know!)
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u/frostedbeansyum 1d ago
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal yourself as much as you can, I hope one day I can to that stage, thank you ❤️
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u/littlecupcakekitten1 1d ago
I don't know how to help, but I can relate. My mother got super drunk on my birthday (today) and I'm sure she will too on Christmas (we celebrate orthodox, January 7th) She gets drunk almost every day as fat as I know, but it's always the worst on holidays. I also struggled with self-harm since a young age. Now I'm 1 year self harm clean, but urges are the strongest when she gets drunk.
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u/Spoiledanchovies 1d ago
Sending you all love, OP! I understand what you're going through. My mother evokes a lot of the same feelings in me. For me, the solution was to avoid being with her in situations where she would drink too much, so I don't celebrate any holidays with her anymore. It's been amazing. I now celebrate with friends, or I go and do something just for myself, like sit down and watch my favourite movie. I've come to enjoy the holidays now, but it wasn't always like that.
Just get through these days, and I promise that it will feel better once you move abroad and get some distance. Not everything will disappear instantly, but you'll have some space to work through it at your own pace. Don't dig your feelings down, but work through them when you have the strength to. Good luck on your journey!
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u/frostedbeansyum 1d ago
Thank you so so much, I think just the problem for me is the guilt, at the moment I don’t really have anyone I can spend Christmas with other than my mum, I’m hoping next year that could possibly be different, thank you for your comment, your amazing ❤️
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u/necolep630 2d ago
Are you in therapy?
There are online meetings you can attend and you can keep up with them when you're away. Lots going on all the time.
Right now, focus on compartmentalizing. Take care of yourself. Let your mom take care of herself.
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u/frostedbeansyum 2d ago
I’m not, I need therapy but can’t seem to get it without being in a long waiting list or having to pay for it, (it’s very expensive here in the UK) Thank you, I’m doing my best, just feeling very alone right now, thank you for your comment ❤️
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u/Ebowa 2d ago
You can use Chat GPT, I find it very helpful
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2d ago edited 2d ago
that’s bad advice.
it is a software that generates sequences of words without knowing anything about what these words mean.
Everytime you delegate something to it, you do a disservice to your own intelligence and humanity.
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u/Ebowa 2d ago
Is that based on your actual usage? It’s been a great tool for many people I know, and based on my own experience. But I understand the fear of technology. Anyways, it’s one way to get CBT answers when you don’t have access or money for a therapist. There are many.
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1d ago
that’s not based on fear. As a software developer, I use it regularly for things when I feel lazy. But its output is of low quality and you gotta be very careful about taking anything created by it for granted. You gotta be aware that it doesn’t actually output language. It outputs simulated language, with the goal that you can’t make out the difference. Sam Altman and others want you to ignore this inconvenient truth and believe the story that this is intelligence. Immense amounts of money have been flowing into these systems, they hype them up immensely.
For psych things, it sure can do some affirmations, like a yes man. But that isn’t helpful at all frankly.
https://www.theverge.com/2024/12/23/24326077/i-asked-chatgpt
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u/BuildingAFuture21 1d ago
I’m so sorry. I have a similar mom. Mine fell and busted her face on Christmas night. Has a goose egg on her forehead and a MASSIVE black eye.
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u/frostedbeansyum 9h ago
Oh my goodness that’s absolutely awful! Mine did a similar thing at my graduation party, sending you big hugs xx
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u/Narrow_Professor991 2d ago
You're not alone. My alcoholic mother was a very difficult person, too, especially around the holidays. I remember friends literally rescuing me by picking me up at my mother's house to get away from her. I'm so sorry you're sick and I hope you feel better soon. If there's anything you can do to comfort yourself (listen to music, watch a favorite movie, drink tea/smoothies, eat sorbet, whatever), DO IT. You deserve peace and comfort. Sending you lots of love from afar.
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u/frostedbeansyum 1d ago
Thank you so so much, if I was well enough last night i definitely would have left the house, I just get guilt ridden a lot of the time, because when she’s sober the next day it’s like she’s a different person, doing the best I can to get better so I can leave the house, thank you so much ❤️❤️
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u/Lesalsifis 2d ago
Me too, I cried the whole afternoon. I am 28 and based on my own experience I should stay away from both my parents lol but I can't. So here I am, trying to deal with the same shit