My mother disgusts me. Her presence makes me angry.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

I find my mom gross too! It’s a mind fuck cause some part of my programming still thinks a mom is supposed to be this warm safe space to be embraced but I actually can’t stand being around my mom let alone embracing her because she smells so bad. She reeks of cigarettes and the only way to see her is to go into her living room where she stays all the time. She wakes up and drinks coffee and takes her medicine for fibromyalgia, which I don’t think she has I think it’s a prescription her doctors wrote when she continued to complain and they couldn’t find anything wrong, and then once her coffee is gone around 10am she starts to take shots of vodka. My sister asked my enabler stepdad how often he’s bringing home vodka and in what size, and figured m our mom is having ten shots a day before dinner. At dinner time she has some story about how she never eats much, and she heads to bed. Sometimes I can imagine another mom standing up next to the one I really have. She has buttons for eyes but she doesn’t drink or smoke or do any of the drugs my mom does/did in her life. She’s clean and her hair is brushed and styled and she even goes places and leaves the house. She has a watch and a calendar and she isn’t late, in fact she plans ahead. I love her. I know she’s somewhere inside my real mom but my real mom ate her up so she can’t come out. When I grow up, I’m gonna be more like my other mother though. My mom untapped potential. How else can I force my apple to roll away from this tree??

[u/montanabaker → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

My mother disgusts me and makes me angry too. Hugs to you!!!

I made up another mother for my inner child to feel safe. This mom, who is also me, smells like lilacs and loves to hug. She’s warm and kind.

My mom could have been that mom if she wasn’t so messed up in her own way.

[u/MessyGirlo → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

I did not expect to cry while reading anything in this sub, I don’t cry a lot. But what you just wrote was like everything I feel about my mom too. I did indeed cry. I never expected anyone else to say something like this and feel this too. I hope you’re doing well and had a wonderful Christmas 🎅. My mom isn’t an alcoholic, that’s my dad. she is simply abusive, an actual narcissist, and mentally ill but won’t take meds or admit it even tho she’s diagnosed bipolar 1 and gets violent when she has episodes. And I was the target 9 times out of 10, growing up. I think that love we have for our moms, even tho they abused and neglected us, is because…. Well you know how victims get attached to their abusers even when they know they shouldn’t feel that way? They give them a second chance and believe they’re really a good person deep down.

Being our parent’s untapped potential. I feel that so hard for both of my parents. They’re both so toxic on their own, I can’t imagine them being together (divorced when I was 5) it would be like a 🌪️meeting a 🌋 as Eminem would say. Then I look at me and I hate them both, but I hate them so much BC I love them…. And then I wonder how I am related to either one of them on anything other than physical traits…… I truly wonder how I am half of both of some of the most toxic and fucked up people I know. It makes me scared that I’m not even self aware that I am a terrible person or something. Well when they were younger, they both had a lot of potential and they were really cool and I could actually see being related to them then. I saw them in video recordings. My dad made family video tapes with his camcorder to document me growing up. 😞 the family was so happy and big. My siblings were all 7+ years older than me. They got to experince that happiness and I never did. before I was born and before they divorced, they were functional and cool and relatable. After that, they both just went down hill from there :/

My therapist told me that I will have to grieve the loss of the mother and father that I needed and I never had. Then she said, when you start to be able to heal and grieve the loss, then you will naturally find someone who’s an older influential figure in your life, who you will almost “adapt” into that parental role for you. And that will be really good for us too! Our parents don’t have to be our DNA. Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Also, we must not let this make us pick partners who were like our parents. They taught us what love was, and it wasnt healthy or love. You will naturally go after people like your parents whether you are conscious of it or not, unfortunately I found out the hard way. I thought I wouldn’t be a statistic and that I could tell who’s bad and good. So now, I am actively learning healthy relationships and it takes effort to unlearn everything you were taught to know about love and boundaries. It’s doable! But it must be done. Just be aware bc I don’t want to see ppl like us never get the love we deserve. Bc they say “we accept the love we think we deserve” we deserved better.

[u/Outrageous_Pair_6471 → u/MessyGirlo]

I’m really touched that my words resonated with you and wishing you a merry Christmas and happy new year too!!

[u/idgafaboutanyofthis → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

Hey, I thought I had fibromyalgia…until I stopped drinking.

[u/Outrageous_Pair_6471 → u/idgafaboutanyofthis]

Thank you! I would love to see my mom try to stop drinking! She has been drinking since she was 18 though and compared to the genuinely hard drugs she also did in her twenties and early thirties she thinks drinking is no big deal, especially being legal. She tries to plant seeds in my head that fibromyalgia is genetic and I’m more likely to get it, but I reject that. I believe if I live an active and clean lifestyle I can get a different result than this result she’s gotten by living an inactive lifestyle of self medicating. I don’t think my mom will ever stop drinking for us to find out if that’s the case for her, she would have to end up in the hospital or something before change would be an option. I’m really happy for you that you found you didn’t have that mysterious disease that causes pain misfiring all over your body. I’m also really grateful you commented here to me, because I know so few people who have or have had fibromyalgia, so it means a lot to see your pov. Thank you!

[u/SnooPickles8893 → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

Hey l just wanted to share a little with you about fibromyalgia, which l was officially diagnosed with twenty years ago. I took strong antiviral meds for hepatitis c eight years ago, and after successfully clearing the virus, l found that my fibromyalgia pain was gone! The only residual pain point is occasionally my inner elbows, but in general have not had pain since treatment. I know l am not the only person this has happened to, as l have gone on an online liver forum, and others have had this response as well. The medicine is very expensive but it's pills, not shots. These could potentially save your mom's liver if she's eligible for treatment (l do not know if they are prescribed for any other reason except hepatitis).

[u/idgafaboutanyofthis → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

I just want to say that you’re seen and heard. I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mom is also an alcoholic. That’s where I learned my drinking habits. I’m over a month alcohol free! I realized that even though I wasn’t drinking every day or even every week that I have all of the warning signs to become dependent.

I know how hard it is to watch the person you love slowly kill themselves. I’ve watched my mom go from a healthy, happy, vibrant woman to a shell of her old self. Her skin looks like it should belong to my grandma, her eyes are always so tired looking and her general appearance and that of her home has gone downhill. I hoped me leaving alcohol behind would inspire her. She’s proud of me but has no plans to stop drinking. I’ve had to mourn my “old” mom. The one that was always there for the first 14 years of my life. She’s gone.

Hang in there, you’re not alone even thought I’m sure it feels that way.

[u/entreprenegra → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

Awww man. This is super relatable. I thought it was weird to imagine a fake, more loving version of my dad. This was very validating, thank you.

[u/fabgwenn → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

To make your apple roll far from the tree you consistently make different choices than your Mom did/does. Over the course of time that will make a huge difference and will feel so good.

[u/puddlesrocks → u/Outrageous_Pair_6471]

This resonates so deeply with me. Thank you for writing it. I couldn't express this as well as you just did, and I feel less crazy for envisioning my other mother too. Virtual hugs to you 🫂

[u/hersweetener]

Same op, I find my mother actually really fucking disgusting for some similar reasons, im glad other people understand the feeling

[u/Playful-Molasses6]

Same, I won't let my mother touch me when we meet up, no hugs, nothing.

[u/MessyGirlo → u/Playful-Molasses6]

My mom forced me to kiss her on the lips when I was a kid, even if I said no. She was THAT type that didn’t think kids (or anyone but her) should have boundaries. And she isn’t even an alcoholic!

[u/Itchy_Frame_6364 → u/Playful-Molasses6]

Neither will I. I’m so disgusted by her poor hygiene, cigarette smell, and incontinence -diaper dependent all the time. No hugs, can’t com in my home, I refuse to go in hers. We see each other outside weather permitting every other year. That’s it. Now that I have my own kids, we see each other less.

[u/entreprenegra]

I feel the same way about my dad. But here’s the kicker-

My dad is VERY meticulous about his hygiene. Head always shaved clean, clean nails, beautiful white teeth (even in his 60’s), and dresses nicely. He is also still in shape and handsome. But he ALWAYS smells like alcohol. It frustrates me because all I can think about is all the potential he squandered.

[u/phoebebuffay1210]

Sounds like my mom. I’m sorry you’re growing up this way. It really did a number on me. I’ve been in therapy for 5 years and I’m still struggling. Start taking care of you. Focus on the things you can control. You are not the reason she is this way. Feel free to message me anytime. You are not alone..

[u/tproser]

Yeah that’s pretty fucking rough. Sometimes we feel disgust because we sense disease or illness, and our behavioral immune system is telling us to stay away.

It sure sounds like your mom is making her bed; will probably succumb to one of the many risk factors associated with her behavior, unless she won the genetic lottery and is just one of those people that chain smokes into their 100s and laughs at everybody.

It must be really fucking hard hearing those constant ugly reminders of your mom’s mortality and her own apparent disrespect for it. Shit like this can really get under your skin and stick with you. I urge you to listen to your subconscious; put distance between yourself and these disgusting things. Challenge yourself to find new ways to relate to her and frame the relationship.

The upside here is that you are in control of your own body, and you never have to smoke a single cigarette, and you can exercise all day and breathe all the fresh air you want.

[u/PayLeast5779]

I can't relate to you more. OP. Both my brother and mother are the most fucking ridiculous, misguided people who behave, roughly, like your mom. I feel so much disgust toward them and yet I feel they're good underneath and just so emotionally undeveloped & misguided.

I just typed "Adult Child Reddit" in Google in complete frustration and landed on this. Maybe I'll find people whose struggles I can relate to. I've joined AA and don't relate to the people in there - they seem like my mom and brother, not like me!

[u/Rudyinparis → u/PayLeast5779]

Alanon is for people affected by another person’s drinking. You would be understood there! They have tons of in-person and online meetings. I wish you all the best.

[u/3blue3bird3 → u/PayLeast5779]

Reddit has a ton of info. I’m not cool with 12 step stuff since it was basically weaponized by my drunk dad…. But if you were raised by alcoholics, check out the cptsd board, raised by bipolar or raised by narcs, great info…

[u/CommercialCar9187]

I’ve never understood how my mom lives. I understand feeling disgusted. My mom would stay up 2-3 or later every morning, eat a few bites during the day so she had to drink less and get buzzed faster. Then she would pop multiple Benadryls and melatonins and eat right before she crashed. Most nights she dropped her food. During work week she put on same clothes from day before (nighty) pack her water bottle of vodka and go to work. We couldn’t listen to music or talk in the mornings everything annoyed her.

I just don’t know how she was that drunk and able to get up within a few hours and do it all over again. She would be ugly and ill to everyone in the house until she began to drink again and then she was only nice on the phone to her drinking partner who fed her ample amount of supply.

Now no one has anything to do with her but her drinking friend. Everyone’s finally got tired.

[u/Narrow-River89]

I’m sorry, we have the exact same mother.

The other day I was talking to my husband about why I don’t feel a strong mother-daughter relationship. It’s because I don’t respect her. She could’ve quit drinking but never did. The ice cubes kept clanking in her glasses and her cigarettes (for real about 40 a day) kept being lit. She never acknowledged it ever. Zero respect.

Also, my mom is a little bit older at 69 and she’s now showing signs of decay. She has COPD, a lung disease, and is also addicted to morphine now. She’s going downhill fast, so give it a couple years - the body will give up eventually.

[u/MessyGirlo]

This sounds EXACTLY like my dad and also how I feel about him. But the sucky part is I hate him so much BECAUSE I love him….

[u/Lesalsifis]

I am 28 now and I'm spending the Christmas holidays with them. The way you feel is exactly the way I still feel. Nothing's changed even though I begged, even though I ask for them to stop. 

[u/ClickPsychological]

My sister is disgusting and her daughter can't stand her. Drinks, smokes, obnoxious... We tried to warn her for years she was going to ruin her relationship with her daughter. She'd say, my relationship with my daughter is just fine" Now she blames her ex husband for "brainwashing her daughter to believe shes an alcoholic " absolutely no personal accountability whatsoever

[u/littlecupcakekitten1]

I feel the same about my mother, and she's exactly like that. Thankfully, we don't see each other a lot. Today's my 25th birthday, and she was supposed to come see me, but she got so drunk she ended up passed out on the street. I needed to call urgent care and organize the help, and now I'm just exhausted, grossed out, and I want to sleep away this day.

[u/granulesofsand → u/littlecupcakekitten1]

I'm so sorry your mother put you through this. Hugs to you if you'll accept it! I wish you a wonderful 25th year of your life full of growth, inner strength, and dare I even say.. joy. 🍀

[u/alittlegraceandgrit]

Wow I could’ve written this. Truly, same boat here. My mom is visiting for Christmas and I am hardcore biting my tongue and I feel like I am going crazy. I am so snippy too and I cannot even help it. It makes me feel guilty that I feel this way but I have since I was old enough to understand the kind of person she was. Everything has annoyed me. One more day 😅 I am trying to be nice. But give it another hour or so and she starts slurring and stumbling I will be at my limit. Ugh.

[u/Justdoingmybesttt]

As others have said I can relate. As a mom myself now I have this horrid feeling like somehow all moms end up like this, but I know that’s not true as I don’t drink or smoke and I know I’m purposefully the opposite of the things that drive me nuts about her.

Mine doesn’t drink anymore because lung cancer- but she does insane amounts of morphine and oxy pills while drinking green NyQuil that stains her lips- she has dentures also which is a treat. She vapes nonstop on these cheap Chinese-made sticks, she mumbles “where’s my hoobie” and I just blank out. She has tried to rub my back or touch my shoulder over the last 5 years a few times and I absolutely cannot handle it. I physically have to retreat. She is mostly bed-bound but when she leaves the room my entire body is tense when we are visiting.

Can’t wait to see her in a few days!!!

This was a release, thank you and sorry to those who relate. It’s so hard because I had years of agony of missing her when I was in denial of who she has always been.

[u/meganbrihu]

My bedroom door faced the only bathroom in the house. When his alcoholism got worse, he often didn't wash his hands after taking an atomic alcoholic shit 🤮

He used to pick his scabs and then reuse his bloody paper towels until he finally replaced it. If my mom or I tried to throw it out, he'd yell at us.

He had no table manners; going out to eat was a nightmare. He licked his fingers dramatically, slurped loudly, farted, picked his teeth, blew his nose crazy loud instead of going to the bathroom or outside.

[u/ThePinkyHook]

My mom told me that she neglected me growing up and was never home because she had to take care of herself. Unknowingly creating the blueprint for me to accept telling her goodbye, even at 90 hrs old, along with everyone else. 🤷‍♀️. Unintended consequences

[u/allmyamaryllis]

How old are you? I’m guessing that you’re old enough to move out. Who’d wanna live with this? This sounds awful.